Chapter 29
Calida
Shawn chewed on his toy car, continuously trying to share it with me. We sat on the front steps watching the Wrecker go about his task. The loud pop of the tow truck crank made us both jump. With a low rumble, it came to life, slowly pulling one of Seth’s destroyed cars onto its bed. The jolt made the one sideview mirror that was barely hanging on fall to the ground.
I picked up my coffee mug, turning my head to keep it out of Shawn’s reach, before taking a sip. He started fussing, trying to get ahold of the mug.
“Sorry, buddy, the caffeine will stunt your growth.”
I handed him his juice filled sippy cup, which he eagerly took. He leaned back against me, happily kicking his feet as he drank the watered down OJ. I ran my fingers through his dark, silky hair, moving the longer strands out of his face.
“Think it’s time for a haircut.” My hand went to my own hair. My bangs had grown out, the sides now hung mid-ear, and I found myself annoyed at having to constantly smooth it back. It was in a shabby state these days. “For us both, I think.”
Dorian pulled into the driveway just as the Wrecker put the chains on the F150 to pull it.
She got out of her car, and watched as the guy completed his work. “What the hell happened?”
“All set, Ms. Jokobi. I jus’ need ya to sign here. How’ll ya be payin’ today?”
I stood, and readjusted Shawn in my arms before taking the small, dirty clipboard he held out to me. My signature was a mess since Shawn insisted on trying to grab the pen.
Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out my credit card. “You take American Express?”
“Yep.” The guy processed my payment then handed me back the card. Whistling through his teeth, he looked back at the three vehicles. “I sure bet he’s sorry for whatever he done.”
“You did that?” Dorian asked. The look on her face was a strange combination of shock and awe.
“They’ll be crushed, right?” I asked.
“Yes ‘em, that’s what the order says. Should be done by tomorrow, ‘less ya want us to hold off.”
“No, tomorrow is perfect. Thank you.” I turned to Dorian. “You can park in the garage now.” I picked up my coffee cup, and headed into the house.
“Jesus, Calida, you could have just parked one outside, not take a bat to them. And you’re having them crushed? Do you know how much that Jag cost?”
“A hammer.”
“What?”
“I took a hammer to them.”
I put Shawn down in the living room, and took a seat on the floor, ready to play with him. He walked over to Dorian, demanding to be picked up. She sat on the sofa then pulled him into her lap. He twisted trying to shove his empty cup in her mouth. I crawled over, taking it from him, which sent him into a mini tantrum. That was Dorian’s cue to hand him back over to me; she never liked to deal with him when he cried.
“So, are you going to tell me what happened? I’m gone for two days and you’ve pulled the angry girlfriend stunt.”
I shrugged, keeping my focus on trying to pacify Shawn. I drove one of his toy cars around the carpet while he was laid out on the floor continuing to cry, but watching me at the same time. Eventually, he rolled to his stomach, and crawled over to me to take the car. He climbed into my lap and started driving the car around as I had.
“Calida?”
“What, Dorian?”
She looked at me, expecting some explanation, but I had none to give. “How was your trip?”
She frowned. I turned my attention back to Shawn, who was now pulling out all of his toys.
“Fine. Don’t tell me. As for my trip, it went as expected. I’m now a single woman again, and that bastard has to pay me alimony. He was pissed about that, since our incomes were fairly equal, but that’s what he gets for not keeping it in his pants. It’s only for twelve months, but still I’m happy about that.”
“Oh wow. So, congrats then?”
“Thanks. Anyway, I need to grab my bag then I’m heading into the office for a little while.” She got up, heading out of the room but stopped. “You’re at least okay, right?”
I was temporarily stunned by her question. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You tell me.” She waited for a minute, I guess in hopes for that earlier explanation she’d wanted to finally come. When it didn’t, she shrugged and continued out to her car.
I spent the rest of the day doing my best to keep busy, trying my best to not think about Sunday, and ignoring Malcolm’s calls. Shawn and I were working on a puzzle when my phone rang for a third time. I was ready to turn it off but saw it was Macy. I considered sending her to voicemail too, but thought better of it.
“Hey. How was lunch?”
“Um, fine. How was your lunch?”
“Saltines, nothing grand there. So…”
“So, what?”
“Come on, Lee. We didn’t get to talk much at dinner. And Sunday, between my folks and Mitch, I didn’t get a chance to call. I figured you’d be busy yesterday, so I waited till today.”
Shawn crawled away, abandoning the puzzle in favor of Legos. “Macy, what are you talking about?”
“Lunch with my parents. They said they were meeting up with Malcolm before they headed back.”
Ah, now I understood why she started the conversation like that. “No. I, um, I didn’t have lunch with them.”
I didn’t even know about a lunch. Then again, how could I since I’d been avoiding talking to him.
“Huh...okay what’s the deal? Mitch has been telling me to stay out of it, but something is going on.”
I moved over and started helping Shawn stack the chunky plastic blocks, buying myself time. She was on Malcolm’s case at dinner, and he took it instead of simply telling her I flaked out on him.
“Lee?”
“Mace, it’s nothing. And before you ask, no, he didn’t do anything.”
“I didn’t imagine the tension between you two.”
“Macy—”
“No, Lee. Listen, I was a terrible friend to you...” She paused, and it sounded as if she was getting emotional on the other end. “While I would love to be able to officially call you sister, what I want more is for you to be happy. Really happy. But I don’t know...I am just getting this vibe that you aren’t.”
“Macy, you were never a terrible friend. We’ve been over that, water under the bridge and all as the saying goes.” I tried to keep my voice light, willing myself to not take that trip down memory lane. “And it’s not that I’m unhappy...it’s complicated. But we’re working through it.”
She sniffed. I was right; she was getting emotional. “I know, but I just...if he’s being a dick, kick him in his. Hard.” She laughed.
“He’s not. And please, please stop giving him a hard time over me. Please.”
“If not you, it’ll be something else.”
I shook my head. Macy may have been the youngest and only girl, but she tried to mother all of her brothers, keeping them in line on how she thought they should act.
“Then let it be something else. Anything else but me,” I pleaded with her.
“Fine, but if he hurts you—”
“He won’t.”
After we hung up, guilt covered me like a fifty pound leaded blanket. The last thing I wanted to happen was exactly what was taking place. Malcolm had become the villain in this situation when it was all my fault.
∞∞∞
Monday night, I’d had Shawn sleep with me. I didn’t want to be alone. I’d stroked his dark curls and held onto his tiny hand, waiting for sleep to come. It didn’t. Instead, my mind had raced as it tried to figure out exactly what I’d told Malcolm. I’d laid in the dark, listening to the soft breathing of my little boy, wondering how many of my secrets had been revealed.
It had been all I could think about Tuesday night too. I couldn’t handle it. I’d spent that night with a bottle of wine, sitting in the hall in front of Shawn’s room until the voice was silenced. I could barely function Wednesday morning when he’d woken up. So, that night, I kept him with me, wanting a better outcome. It wasn’t working. The longer I laid there, the more the pressure in my head mounted. That feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin increased tenfold. Every part of me tainted—inside and out. The fear of the unknown slithered around me.
I covered my mouth, muffling a strangled sob. Did Malcolm know Shawn was conceived through the most brutal attack Seth had ever unleashed on me? Pain squeezed my chest. I didn’t want anyone to know that. I didn’t want Shawn to know. And if others did, they would treat him differently.
I’d treated him differently in the beginning, looking at him and only seeing his father. I’d worked hard to forget for my son’s sake. I’d needed to forget, and for a while I’d been able to bury those memories. Push them out of my mind and move on. I loved him. Despite how he was conceived, I loved him, and no one needed to know his beginning. Especially my parents, who were in the house when it happened. That knowledge would kill them.
None of this was supposed to happen. How had I lost control? Did I ever really have control?
I rolled over, curled myself into a ball, and buried my face in a pillow. My body shook as uncontrollable sobs took over. My house of cards had collapsed.