Chapter 50
Calida
“You’re looking different today,” Dr. Carr commented, directing me to the chair.
My hand went up to my shaggy hair. “Yeah, the growing out phase sucks.”
Dr. Carr gave a smile. “I wasn’t referring to your appearance. I was talking about your demeanor.”
“Oh.”
“So you recognize the change?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose. I haven’t felt as bogged down lately.”
“Happy to hear that. Anything major happen to help this new outlook?”
I shook my head as I spun the ring around my finger. “No, nothing major. I’m opening up more. It’s still not the easiest thing, but Mal won’t let me...no, he doesn’t make me do things. He just asks that I not hide from him.”
“Hide from him?”
“Yes.” I stopped and tried to figure out the best way to explain. “I’ve opened up to him about some topics, and I’m trying. I rather keep things to myself when I’m uncomfortable. Retreat away and not deal. But he understands I don’t always want to talk about things.”
Dr. Carr nodded her head in agreement or understanding.
“You corrected yourself when explaining that Malcolm doesn't make you do things. That’s a change from how you viewed his actions before.”
“I’ve done some self-reflecting. My time here isn’t a total waste. Eventually what you say gets through.”
Dr. Carr laughed. “Always good to know I’m not wasting my patient’s time or money.”
I smiled. “I know I’ve not been the easiest. I’ve spent a lot of time in this place. Much of it with me actively finding ways to remain guarded.” My face warmed with the admission. I’d never believed I was fooling Dr. Carr, but admitting it was a whole other matter.
“You’ve been exactly what you needed to be at the time. Therapy is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to work at your pace otherwise it’s pointless.”
“Maybe. Anyway, when I came here upset, feeling like Malcolm ambushed me into the relationship, you told me I allowed the choice to be made by not speaking up. Big surprise I didn’t see it that way. But...you were right. Malcolm isn’t Seth, but to protect myself or whatever I viewed him through Seth-colored glasses. Because of that, everything Malcolm did wrong—no matter how small—I magnified ten-fold.”
Dr. Carr sat back in her chair and crossed her legs at the ankle. “That is quite a bit of self-reflection.”
“Bet you thought I was a lost cause, huh?” I joked and reached over for the bottle of water on the table.
“No one’s a lost cause, Calida.”
“Right, well I’ve taken off those glasses, and the view is much different when I’m not looking for the bad.” I paused. Reaching back, I touched the scar through my shirt. “Even with that breakthrough or whatever, I still find myself guarded with him.”
I thought about our talk a few days ago. I never answered his question about the tattoo, and he’d not asked again.
“Is this something Malcolm has an issue with?”
I shook my head. “He says not everyone is an open book.”
“So, this is something that bothers you?”
I nodded. “He said that, and in the next breath basically told me he didn’t have any no-go topics. Logically, I know I shouldn’t be mad that he won’t avoid talking about things, but I kinda was. Crazy, right? What person gets annoyed by their significant other saying something like that?” I stood to move around.
“Not crazy. You want him to have no-go topics so you’ll feel better about yours. However, you have to remember your situations are very different. Opening up and letting him in is still new to you, it’ll take time. It would be unrealistic to think you’d change overnight.”
I hugged myself as I stared out the fifth-story window. “I still hate disappointing people. Him.”
“How did you disappoint him?”
“Because I couldn’t tell him about the tattoo.”
I heard the scratching on the paper. “What tattoo?”
I turned to face her. “I have a tattoo on the back of my left shoulder. It was the beginning of the end. Malcolm asked me why I got it the other night, and I couldn’t answer him. Wouldn’t answer him.”
“Why not?”
“Because keeping my head buried in the sand is still the easier choice. Because I’ve pushed too much with how many of my stupid actions and choices he’s accepted from me. Because...because I’m always scared he’ll think less of me. That he’ll wake up one day and realize I’m not worth the effort.”
My heart raced. Nervous flutters erupted out of nowhere. I looked down at the ring and started twisting it around on my finger. I willed myself to calm down before my thoughts could tumble too far down the dark path.
Dr. Carr placed her notebook and pen on the side table then moved forward so she sat at the edge of her chair. “Calida, how long did Malcolm pursue this relationship with you?”
I shrugged. “I guess he’s wanted it from the beginning, once I—you know, but he really amped up things in the six months prior to everything starting with us.”
“So, he spent the last two years proving himself to you. Do you think there’s really anything you could tell him that would make him walk away?”
I returned my attention to the window to watch the cars and people below. “Dorian made me doubt myself. Paul, he capitalized on that and stripped away any self-respect I’d had. Then Seth came along just as I began to find my way, and he obliterated everything. Who I was. What I thought. How I felt. All of it depended on him. He got into my head. Into my soul. Till we were so intertwined that I questioned my sanity. He...did...horrible things to me. Soul shattering things, but then he’d be the one to comfort me. To make it all right again. And I’d let him.”
I paused and took a shaky breath. “Long before the tattoo. Long before Seth revealed his true self, part of me knew I should have walked away. And I did once.” I gave a bitter laugh as I thought back to the night with that stripper and the threesome he’d manipulated me into. “I walked away, but I couldn’t even stick to my own hard limits.”
I turned back to see Dr. Carr watching me. Listening. Paying attention to what I said instead of actively analyzing it as I said it. Taking slow steps, I returned to my chair.
“Malcolm sees me as a victim. But I know I carry responsibility for my role during the relationship with Seth. I know I’m going to sound like a contradiction, but while I don’t want Malcolm to view me like that, like a victim, at the same time...at the same time I don’t want him to know the depths of my stupidity.”
Dr. Carr started to speak, then stopped. She gave me a smile and began again. “Calida, does Malcolm tell you he loves you?”
I nodded.
“Do you believe him when he says it?”
I nodded again. “I’m starting to.”
“Do you think his love comes with conditions?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“All right. I want you to think about the worst thing you know about Malcolm. Think about what you would consider his most, in your words, stupid mistake. I don’t want you to tell me. You just need to think it over.”
It wasn’t hard to come up with something. Malcolm’s overdose easily popped into my head. For all the shit talking they do, Macy completely lost it when that happened. It was one of the few times in our friendship where I got to be the strong one, even though I was just as worried. The whole thing had been a major shock to us all. Malcolm didn’t do drugs. He wasn’t that kind of person. He certainly wouldn’t be the kind of person that would get so out of control that he’d OD. It’d been an accidental situation, but still, he’d put himself in that situation.
“No one is perfect. We’re all human, and we make mistakes. There are people that will hold your mistakes against you. You know that because you’ve unfortunately had a few of those people in your life. But there are also people who will accept you as you are. You look at yourself and see only your mistakes or bad judgements, but someone who cares sees more. They see you. You loved Seth despite everything you learned about him. Why is it so hard for you to imagine someone could love you the same way?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. My fingers ran across the symbol on the necklace. I looked down at the ring. A ghost smile pulled at my lips as I looked back up at Dr. Carr.
“Because it’s hard to imagine someone else loving you when you don’t love yourself.”
∞∞∞
When I pulled into the garage at Mal’s house, I didn’t get out of the car right away. My session with Dr. Carr had been more open and honest than any of the previous ones. My insecurities ran deep and probably always would. No amount of therapy would change that. However, I couldn’t let them rule me.
The thumping of music could be heard before I even opened the door to the house. My presence went unnoticed as I stood at the kitchen island, watching Malcolm sing along to whatever rap song played. He didn’t miss a beat as he danced. His dreads swung freely in rhythm with the movements of his head. Goodness, he was sexy. Even when he wasn’t trying, it simply clung to him like a second skin. My gaze went to his ass, his thick, round, grabbable ass that filled out every pair of pants he wore as if they were made just for him.
I covered my mouth to suppress a laugh over my lusty thoughts. I didn’t want to disturb the moment between him and Shawn. I looked down at my little boy. He stood with his hands on the coffee table, attempting to sing along while bouncing up and down. He looked adorable in his attempt to mimic Mal’s movements.
Once the song ended, Mal walked over to turn down the stereo and gave Shawn a pound. When I started clapping, they looked over.
“That was a great performance.”
“How long have you been there?”
I went over to pick up Shawn, and gave him a big hug. “Just a minute or two. You guys are quite the act.”
“Hell yeah, we are. We have the looks and talent. We’re gonna be an unstoppable duo. Isn’t that right, buddy?” Malcolm reached forward and ruffled Shawn’s hair. He laughed in response.
“Can your budding career wait until the other half is at least potty trained?”
“Guess we can hold off.”
Mal put his hand on my lower back, leaned down, and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. Shawn in turn gave me a big sloppy kiss on the other one. Malcolm and I laughed.
“This is a pretty good deal I have here. Endless supply of hugs and kisses.”
Malcolm’s hand slid lower until it rested on my ass. He gave it a squeeze before walking off to the kitchen. I sat down on the sofa, readjusting Shawn in my arms. He maneuvered himself so that his legs were on either side of me, and his head rested on my chest, assuming his nap position.
Malcolm poured himself a glass of OJ. “You want something?”
I shook my head and absentmindedly ran my fingers through Shawn’s hair. He sat up, asking for juice. Malcolm came over to retrieve Shawn’s sippy cup to fulfill the request.
“How was your appointment?” Mal asked as he handed Shawn his cup then took a seat beside us.
“It was good.” Shawn moved around until he got comfortable again. “I was thinking about not going as often.”
Mal took a drink of his juice. “Bi-weekly instead of weekly?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
I shifted my attention away from Malcolm down to Shawn. His eyes were half closed, and he continued to drink from his cup. I lightly brushed his hair off his forehead. I looked back over at Mal when I felt his fingers on the back of my neck.
“Needing to see her less is a good thing, right?”
The cup tumbled free from Shawn’s grip. Holding on to his back, I picked it up and put it on the table.
“That’s the hope. I mean, the end game should be me eventually not needing to go at all.”
Mal finished his juice then set his glass down and picked up his phone. “I have a call starting.” He started to get up, but stopped. Placing two fingers under my chin, he turned my head and leaned in for a kiss.
His full lips moved slowly atop mine, and his warm hand moved up to hold the side of my face. A soft moan escaped my lips. The kiss itself: simple and quick. Still my stomach did somersaults, and I felt lightheaded, near weightless. Malcolm pulled back. He ran his thumb across my bottom lip. He didn’t say anything, simply smiled at me. I swallowed hard, fighting back a tidal wave of emotion.
“You better go so you’re not late for your call.” I needed him out of the room before I burst into tears for no damn reason.
Mal looked at his phone to check the time and let out a heavy sigh. “I really hate conference calls.” He gave me another quick kiss before heading downstairs to his home office.
Shawn shifted in my lap. I kissed the top of his head. Moving slowly, I eased off the couch to carry him up to his room. After putting Shawn in his crib, I looked around the space Malcolm had done for him. My hand went to my lips. The emotion that had come over me downstairs hummed under the surface. I turned on the baby monitor then grabbed the receiver out of the master bedroom and headed to the basement.
Malcolm sat at his desk talking, sounding all professional. He gave a nod in my direction, acknowledging my presence. He was working, I should have gone back upstairs and let him be, but I couldn’t. My overwhelming need to be with him overrode all logical thought. I didn’t want to be that woman, needy and clingy, but in this moment, I was.
He turned as I approached. I put the monitor next to his laptop. He opened his arms in surprise to make room for me as I straddled him. I buried my face in his neck and wrapped my arms around him.
Mal responded by placing his free hand around my waist. His deep baritone voice soothed me. His light, clean scent embraced me in its perfect blend of sensuality and masculinity. His strong arm provided me comfort and security. He was my safe place. I pulled my body tighter against him. His words faltered. I could feel him turn his head toward me.
“Baby, are you all right?” he asked the moment his call ended.
I nodded.
“You sure, because as much as I love the affection, this feels like something more.” Malcolm wrapped his other arm around me, holding me just as tight as I held him.
“You can’t leave me,” I whispered. My face remained buried in his neck.
“I wasn’t planning on it.”
“No!” I said, sitting up to face him. “I mean it. You can’t. You did this to me. I’d thought I’d steeled myself against this. Protected my heart behind reinforced steel doors, drowned in concrete, and surrounded it with a moat filled with man-eating alligators. But no, you come along and showed me that...shit, I don’t even know what I’m saying. But all I know...all I know is that now I’m here, and you love me. And I feel it, really feel it, without having to make excuses, or look for it in the smallest of actions so I feel better about myself. I don’t have to do that, I don’t have to tell myself you love me because you tell me, but it’s more than just saying the words. Like upstairs when you kissed me, it wasn’t the kiss, it was the after. How you looked at me...I was ready to cry.”
Malcolm reached up and wiped away the tears that rolled down my cheeks. “I’m glad you can feel how much I love you. That’s a good thing and it’s what I’ve wanted for a long time. But you sound very distressed, and that worries me.”
I put my hand on either side of his face, leaned forward, and kissed him. Hard. Desperate for him to feel what I had trouble saying. One of his hands slid up to the back of my neck, holding me in place. Our tongues danced. My lips hurt, but I didn’t care.
I pressed my body closer, rocking against his erection. Cool air hit my skin when Mal pulled up the fabric of my dress. His hands made their way under, grabbing and squeezing my ass. I pulled away, moving back in a frantic attempt to free him from his pants.
Malcolm put his hands on my wrists. “Ginger, baby, wait. Just wait.”
“I don’t want to wait, Malcolm. I’ve been waiting. Waiting to feel like this. I’ve been waiting to have someone love me like you do. To have someone love me as much as I love them.”
Malcolm let my hands go and sat back against the chair. A ping came from his computer, signally he’d gotten an email, but his eyes never left mine.
“I’m not distressed. Well, maybe I am a little. I need you. It’s hard. I can’t really put it into words, but I’m scared. The idea of losing you...I can’t breathe at the thought of that. I’m feeling all these things, things I’d sworn off because too much pain was associated with them. But with you, it’s like all new.”
I reached up, putting my hands on his cheeks. The course hair of his beard tickled my palms. I searched his face, drinking in the sight of him.
“I’ve been in love before. I’ve given my everything and got pain and heartache in return. I’ve been in love before, but never like this. The way that you love me makes me feel like I’m in love for the first time. I didn’t think it was possible. I didn’t think I had anything left to give, but it’s like there’s this part of me that remained untouched. Unjaded. That part of me that managed to hold out hope when I’d thought all was lost. The part of me that you claimed when I was fifteen when we shared our first kiss. My first kiss.”
I smiled at the memory. I’d been a nervous wreck and prayed I wouldn’t vomit. I stared at Malcolm, who continued to look back at me maintaining, a neutral expression. For once, I wasn’t self-conscious or afraid to express how I felt. The jittery, heart-pounding desperation from earlier had gone. A calm, peacefulness remained.
“I love you, Malcolm.”
He took in a breath, releasing it slowly as a large grin spread across his handsome face. He pulled me forward. The kiss wasn’t as hard as the one I’d given him, but it held the same passion and need. My entire body hummed with life, a deep, burning need down in my core. My hands went to the waistband of his pants. This time, instead of stopping me, Malcolm lifted his hips to aide me. He broke from the kiss and watched as I moved my panties to the side and lowered myself down onto him.
He sat up and kissed me again as I moved myself along his thick shaft. I gripped onto his shoulders, using them as leverage to help my movements. His head rested on the back of the chair. While his fingers dug into my ass, urging me to go faster. I did. The chair squeaked and groaned under the pressure. Malcolm’s phone started to ring.
“Do...you...need—”
“Fuck no. It can go to voicemail,” he grunted.
It stopped only to start again, which made me laugh. He groaned, but showed no signs of slowing. His lips were on my neck, kissing and nibbling. Then gentle sucking. The friction on my clit, the fullness of his dick, his mouth on my neck, all of it pushed me closer to the end.
His fingers dug into my flesh. His hard grip spurring me on. “Fuck, baby...”
Soon as the words were out, my body spasmed. I clenched around him, riding him harder. Malcolm held me tight, pulling me close as he thrust his hips up. I gripped his shoulders, enjoying the remaining waves of my own orgasm as he approached his own. With a low grunt, he reached his end. I leaned forward, resting my head on his shoulder. We breathed heavily.
His fingers brushed across my forehead, moving the overgrown strands from my face. He kissed the tip of my nose. “Call me greedy, but can I hear it again?”
I sat up and couldn’t resist his lopsided sexy grin and excited expression. Putting my hands on his shoulders, I leaned forward so that I looked him directly in his gorgeous eyes. “I…” I kissed one cheek. “…love…” I kissed the other cheek. “…you.” I kissed his lips.
His hand went to the back of my neck, my arms wrapped around his, and my world balanced out.
I pulled away then climbed off his lap. “I should let you get back to work. Someone really wanted to get in touch with you.”
He stood. His limp, but still impressive dick hung over the waist of his pants. He adjusted his clothing before pulling me into an embrace.
“I much prefer the interruption.”