Chapter 34
Calida
Walking into my house felt strange. I hung my keys on the hook; the empty hook. Laughter bubbled out of me. I’d had his cars crushed. He’d loved those damn things. I would have never pegged him for a car man, but then again, I wouldn’t have pegged him for a murderer either. My laughter stopped.
Shawn squirmed in my arms, attempting to get down. The distraction welcomed.
“Sorry, buddy. Baby jail for you, so mommy can take a shower.”
A shower and maybe a stiff drink or two. How could so much change in such a short time? Fighting with the unhappy little being in my arms, I knew the drinks were out. After getting Shawn settled with a cup of juice and secured in his playpen, I headed for the bathroom.
Last week—hell the last two years—the idea of sex was something I wouldn’t consider. The thought used to make me physically ill. Letting someone else see my body, let alone take pleasure from it, was a road I’d prepared to avoid at all cost.
Yet, last night I not only took that road, I sat in the driver’s seat. While I waited for the shower to heat up, I looked at my reflection. For the first time in a long time I really studied myself. I looked older. The exhaustion I always felt was clearly shown in my features. Maybe the lies I’d told myself were bigger than I thought. Was I really that good of an actress that I hid this from everyone? I doubted it.
Slowly, I pulled my shirt over my head. I stared at my bare chest, remembering how good it felt to have Malcolm’s hands on me. For years, I’d fantasized about what it would be like to be with Mal. In those dreams, it was always some intense and magical encounter; perfect in every way. Last night was far from perfect.
I’d had sex with Malcolm. I used him last night.
I used him.
I turned away from my reflection, and climbed into the hot shower. That same feeling of guilt and shame I’d have after a night with Seth rushed back. He’d coerce me into sex, always getting a reaction from my body. Always taking pride and pleasure from that fact, reminding me that no matter how much I protested, in the end I wanted him. I’d used Malcolm last night; threw myself at him for my own selfish needs. I did that, but it was him this morning that acted as if he had done something wrong.
Shawn eagerly reached out for me when I entered his room. He’d thrown his cup, and all the toys out of the playpen. He’d been attempting to try and climb out of it when I entered. I knew it wouldn’t be much longer till he figured it out, and then I’d really be in trouble.
“Ready for a snack?”
After getting him changed, we headed downstairs. I heard my phone ringing as we reached the bottom, but I didn’t get to it in time before it stopped. Digging it out of my bag I saw the missed called was from Macy. I hadn’t even thought about what it might be like to face her.
“Oh boy, Shawn, what am I supposed to tell T-T Macy?”
“T-T,” Shawn repeated. His chubby fingers reached for the phone.
“No, we’ll call her later. First, I need to feed you. Want some bananas and cheese?”
He nodded his head eagerly.
I got him settled then joined him at the table with my own plate of snacks. Macy followed up her phone call with a text asking to call her ASAP.
She picked up on the third ring. “Hey chick, whatcha up to?”
“Not much, just snacking with Shawn. What’s up?”
“I need out of my house and away from my husband. He’s driving me batty.”
I laughed. “What is he doing this time?”
“Breathing! I swear if I’d known he’d be this annoying I would have rethought this baby thing. He wasn’t this bad when I was pregnant with London.”
I laughed harder. “Let me guess, he’s cutting back his hours to be home with you more?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you said the same thing then too.”
“Did I? Man I’m losing my mind more than I thought. Pregnancy brain is a real thing.”
Pregnancy. Shit! How could I have been so stupid? We didn’t use anything last night. The last thing I needed right now was another baby. Not to mention it would add another complication to this already complicated situation. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking.
“Lee?”
“Huh?”
“You okay?”
No. No I wasn’t okay, but I wasn’t about to tell Macy that. She’d already adopted a don’t ask don’t tell approach to whatever sex life Mal and I were to embark on.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just got a little distracted.”
“Oh, okay. So, we’re good then?”
Shit. What did she asked me? “Yeah, sure.”
“All right, we’ll be there in a little while.”
We hung up, and that overwhelmed feeling started to take over. It was too much too fast. One fuck up after the next. The unwelcomed tightening started in my chest. Unease settled in my stomach. Shawn banged his now empty plastic plate on the tray of his highchair. I took slow, steady breaths. I needed to keep it together. It was going to be okay. It was going to be okay. I focused on the noise Shawn made, needing the distraction to get my focus off the spiraling abyss that threatened to take over.
I forced myself to stand, freed Shawn from his high chair, and hugged him. He returned my hug briefly before pushing against me, wanting to get down.
∞∞∞
After Macy left, I spent the next few hours trying to work up the nerve to call Mal. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid. I hadn’t been thinking clearly at all last night. I sat in the rocking chair in Shawn’s room, watching him play. Deciding I could no longer put it off, I picked up my phone and dialed his number.
He answered on the second ring. “Hey, I was just getting ready to call you.”
“Oh...yeah? I would have called earlier but Macy was over.”
“Missing me already huh?”
“Um, yeah, sure.”
“That sounds real convincing.” His voice got muffled.
“Did I catch you at a bad time? Sounds like you’re eating.”
“Nope, I’m good. I can multitask.”
I looked over at Shawn, who started banging his cars together. Mustering up the strength to be a good mom to him had been a struggle some days. Things were better, but adding another life into the mix...
Malcolm’s voice cut through my thoughts. “Baby, whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re thinking.”
“Condoms.”
“Um, penis.”
I laughed at his comment. “What?”
“I don’t know. Thought it was a word association game.”
I laughed again, then paused. It was now or never. “I...I’m not on birth control.”
Silence on his end. I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me.
“Shit.”
“Yeah. I didn’t stop to let you—”
“I don’t have any. Haven’t had a reason to buy them.”
“Oh.”
We both settled into silence. The only sounds came from Shawn, who kept bringing me toys to play with. I needed Mal to speak first, to say whatever it was that he was thinking about this situation. That unnerving feeling settled into my stomach the longer neither of us spoke.
“Well…” he started then stopped. “What about that pill? The morning after deal?”
Unsolicited memories of the first time Seth ever got angry at me popped into my head. I’d been stupid then too for not stopping him. With the way he’d been in control that night, who was to say any objection I might have raised would have been listened to. But it was the unexpected anger that I’d faced after I told him I’d taken the Plan B that haunted my thoughts now.
“Ginger, baby? You okay?”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, and tried to push those thoughts back in the dungeon of my mind where they belonged. “Yeah...I...um...is that what you want me to do?”
He let out a heavy breath. “Shit. I don’t know. I mean, this falls under that whole your body, your choice deal, right? I’m just sayin’, would a baby right now, with the way we are be seriously bad timing? Yeah, probably. But…”
“But what?”
“But…” he paused again. “First, tell me what your first thoughts were when you realized we’d not used protection?”
Shawn climbed up into my lap, giving me a book to read.
“In a second, buddy. I was worried you’d be mad at me.”
“Ginger. Baby. Come on now. We did this. So no, I would not and am not mad at you at all. I’m as much to blame here. Two to tango, right?”
Shawn fussed, insisting I read to him. Instead, I absentmindedly flipped through the pages. “I’ll run out and pick up the pill.”
There was brief silence. “Okay.”
Okay? Just Okay? He said he wasn’t mad, but something in his answer and tone didn’t ring true to him not being upset.
“I have to go. He’s wanting my undivided attention.”
“All right. Call me later. If you want.”
“Okay.”