*Adelaide*
April 2007
I watch from my bedroom window as the woman reaches for the man’s hand. My head is cocked to the side as I wonder what they’re doing. I have never seen such contact with another human before. What does it mean?
I glance down at my right hand before I place my left one on top of it, my fingers closing around each other.
Nothing.
I feel nothing.
How odd…why would the woman want to feel nothing?
Looking back up, I see her laugh, her dark brown hair fanning her shoulders as she twirls to face the tall, bulky man.
I will never forget these people. They are the first beings I have seen, apart from my ma and occasionally my grandpa.
She looks happy within his presence, as if she genuinely wants to be with him. How odd…my ma always tells me that men are cruel, monstrous beings. They only care for themselves and will mistreat women constantly.
I have never understood what she meant, for I have never seen a man with a woman…until today. But they look happy.
I frown, turning in my window seat to look at my plain room. The bed in which I sleep is small and lumpy. The carpet is worn and scratchy against my feet. The walls are adorned in peeling tan wallpaper, and my desk has a limited number of items on it. Actually, it only holds a journal and a pen.
My closet carries a selection of five outfits. My clothes are dull, not bright like the dress the lady outside is wearing.
I can’t help but wonder why that is.
I stand and walk out of my bedroom and down the hallway to the main area. I glance at the front door to see the variety of locks on it…locks that can only be opened by the keys my ma keeps stashed away.
I have only been outside twice in my life, and only for a short period of time. My ma says it’s too dangerous for a girl like me to be outside.
Men are too dangerous.
I don’t understand.
He didn’t look dangerous…
I turn my attention to my ma, who is sitting on the couch with an old book in her lap. She looks up at me, sensing my presence and offers a small smile. “What book are you reading?” I ask, walking forward to sit cross-legged on the floor in front of her.
“Nothing, darling.” That is always her response.
Everything is hidden from me. All the books she reads are off limits. I am only to read the ones she deems appropriate for me.
“I saw a man and a woman outside today. They looked happy,” I say. My mother’s blue eyes grow cold as she glowers down at me.
“They are just naïve. She will get her heart broken…but you never will, my flower. I will protect you.”
Again, this is another common response whenever I bring up women and men.
I don’t understand how a man can break a woman’s heart…how can he do so? It isn’t a bone that can be snapped…
I sigh, looking away from my ma.
My flower. She says I’m a flower that is to be cherished and treated with love. She always explains that if I am to ever go out into the world and see people, that I will wilt, just as a flower does when it lacks water.
She constantly reminds me to instill the fear within me.
I stand to my feet, faking a yawn. “I’m going to go to bed,” I whisper.
I know my ma is hiding something from me. I know she’s hiding me. I wish I had answers.
Turning to go back to my room, I crawl into bed and allow myself to slip into my vivid dreams.
Hands grab my ankles, pulling me down to the edge of the bed.
Screams echo through the halls.
I see a man stand above me, his face in the shadows. I don’t know what he looks like, but I know he’s a man. He has the same body shape as my grandpa, and the man who walked through the woods outside my window.
“Don’t worry, Adelaide, everything is going to be okay.” His words hold comfort, however his voice does not.
I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling above me, gnawing on my bottom lip. Same dream every night. No more, no less.
A tear rolls down my cheek as I feel a sense of loneliness overcome me. I will never be the lady in the bright dress. I will never walk outside with a smile on my face.
I am forced to remain within these four walls. I’m a prisoner in my own home and my mother is the key holder. She’s the one who locks me away and keeps me hidden.
And I don’t even know why.
What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?
I roll onto my side and hug my pillow to my chest.
I yearn for the day I will be free of this place. I yearn for the day I will be faced with my biggest fear:
Stepping foot into the world I do not know.