*Maddox*
July 7, 2017
I rest my forehead against the windowpane as sweat runs down my back. My breath comes out in pants as I try to slow my racing heart. My palms are hot and moist as I rub them on my jeans. My skin feels as if millions of ants are crawling up and down my body.
I have just done something immoral and I am suffocating in guilt. I can hardly breathe, hardly focus as my mind swarms with the wide blue eyes that stared up at me with horror.
The blue eyes that were so similar to Adelaide’s. It struck my heart like a dagger as I pointed my gun in between those familiar orbs. Even though they belonged to a male, they were practically identical to those of the woman I love. And as I threatened his life, I felt like I was threatening hers.
Tears roll down my cheeks as I try to push her face out of my mind. I have been struggling this last month and a half to not pack my bags and reunite with Adelaide. But my debt is not repaid. Until it is, I can’t leave, for I will fear for her safety.
This debt has been a burden upon my heart and my soul. Every day, I feel as if I am slipping further from the man who loves Adelaide and God, and closer to the man who caught a thrill in smuggling drugs.
I detest the man I was in my youth. I was forced into this lifestyle at a young age, and even though my part in it was small, I still enjoyed the rush it gave me. I liked seeing the fear my uncles and cousins placed into the men on the opposite end of their guns. I liked running from the cops; the momentary fear of being caught and then the overwhelming sense of relief when we weren’t. I liked knowing that what we were doing was wrong.
But the reason I was charged with manslaughter had nothing to do with the gang my family runs. Nile and I were driving through town and stopped at a gas station. I waited in the car while Nile went in to grab a few miscellaneous items. From outside, I could see him getting in a heated argument with someone inside and it resulted in a few thrown punches.
Next minute, Nile’s running out as if there is a shotgun pointed to his head. He screams for me to drive away, and as I threw the car in reverse, I ran over an elderly man who didn’t have a chance of surviving the impact.
After all that I had done and seen: all the cop chases, and the smuggling of drugs, and being a witness to countless murders, it was an innocent night out that took me away from my corrupted life.
I only have God to thank. He could have waited until I was driving the getaway car from a heist, which would have elongated my sentence…or even wait until I was of age and lock me away for life.
Instead, God took me from the terrible situation and sent me to live with the Cranes to start over. And for seven years, I reformed my life. I threw away all ties to my family, and soon they hardly became a thought. The thrill I once had in seeing the fear in men’s eyes was replaced with the love a complete stranger bestowed upon a troubled kid. The thrill of running from the cops was replaced with the pure bliss galloping through the fields brought. The thrill of seeing a man die was replaced with the feeling of God’s grace when we traveled to Uganda and built homes for starving children.
I thank and curse God for Adelaide. She owns my heart, there is no doubt about it. I have gladly given it to her. Every moment we spent together is constantly on replay in my mind. I can’t get over her beautiful smile and delicate touch…I thank God for giving her to me, because she is a gift I treasure with all that I am.
But I curse Him. He gave her to me, knowing that it would come with consequences. When I fell in love with Adelaide, she became a target, my own kryptonite. Nile saw her and instantly knew how to make me pay. Either with her life, or seeing the very soul I refurbished deteriorate.
I would never allow anyone touch Adelaide. There wasn’t even a choice. I had to leave and I had to do it without telling her. The look in her eyes of complete betrayal and anguish would have ripped my heart apart. And in the end, I would have convinced myself that I could fight off my family and keep her safe.
But I knew that was unrealistic. Even if there was a chance, the risk was too great.
I pull out my phone to see a message from Kristy. She texts me once a week, giving me an update on Adelaide and the Cranes. She knows I will never message her back, but I’m glad that doesn’t deter her from sending them.
I walk over to my bed and sit on the edge, grasping my phone.
Kristy: Maddox,
I will never understand what you are going through. I know it must be hard on you, because it is hard on us. I miss you so much. I took for granted the time we spent together. It simply was not enough. You have become a brother to me and I hate the not knowing, Maddox! Just, please, text me back so I know you’re alive and all right…even if it’s just a thumbs up.
My mom and dad are doing all right. They are struggling…they practically lost their son. Mom still sets your place at the dinner table and practically sobs as she then puts it away. Dad sometimes tacks up Dexter for you, before doing his horse, just as he always did when you were running late. Adelaide is the one who points out his mistake and he’s always flustered and heartbroken.
Jeremy misses you like crazy, even though you were hardly close. He’s even quieter, having nothing to say and no one to talk to.
Adelaide…Maddox, she hardly speaks to us. She’s either in her room or with the animals. Cooper is glued to her side, just as you intended. She rides Serendipity every day and her bond with Phoenix is slightly shaken. She doesn’t spend as much time with him as we…I guess, I, now…would hope.
She found your Bible. We were in church last Sunday when she let out a gasp and broke into tears. I peeked over to see a note written in the margins right before she ran out of the service with your Bible in her hands. Are you sure those notes were a good idea? You are giving her hope of a return…are you ever returning?
Please, Maddox…come home. Whatever it is you’re facing, you don’t have to do it alone. We love you.
If you can’t come, remember that God loves you as well. Remember to confide in Him and He will give you strength…only with God’s strength can you overcome the turmoils you face and return safely to us.
All our love,
Kristy and family.
Attached to the message is a picture of Adelaide in the barn, tacking up Serendipity. I can see that she’s talking to the horse, seeking comfort from her as she always has. Tears roll down my cheeks as I reach forward and touch her pixelated face, wishing she were here.
“Cameron!” Pounding at the door brings me back to reality, to the small apartment room I reside in. I clutch the phone in my hand as if it were my life-line…and in a sense, it is. It is the only thing keeping me tied to Adelaide.
I look over at the door. “What?” I shout.
“Boss has another job for us!” Mouse, my younger cousin, says.
“We just finished a job!”
“Well, seems like he has another for you!” I grind my teeth and take a few deep breaths. Nile is surely giving it his all to ensure I go back to my roots. He wants me to become the man I once was.
I’m scared that by the end of all of this, I just might be.
I stand to my feet and send a quick thumbs up to Kristy before I pocket my phone and meet Mouse at the door.
*Adelaide*
“Adelaide, can I come in?” I hear a light knock on my door and I look away from my window to stare at it.
My silence is apparently an answer, for Kristy opens the door and peeks her head in to see me. She quickly slides in and closes the door behind her. A small smile adorns her face as she tip-toes over to sit on the other side of my window seat.
“Maddox is okay,” she whispers. Her words catch me off guard. I raise my eyebrows in confusion as I look at the phone in her pocket. “Adelaide, I don’t want to give you false hope. I know his disappearance broke your heart, and I never want to see you in pain again, but I hate that you are wallowing away in here. I know about the Bible. He didn’t say anything, but I saw it in church. I…I want to be someone you can talk to.”
Tears well in my eyes as I look away, back to the pastures filled with our horses.
I can see Phoenix with his mother, already growing in size as he grazes.
My heart breaks every time I see that beautiful colt. He was gifted to me from Maddox, and I can’t help but hold a bit of resentment toward the foal. How could Maddox give me such a large responsibility and then leave me to figure it out on my own? This is a life I have to take care of…I can’t even take care of my own!
Last Sunday, I found another message from Maddox. It was from the scripture: ‘“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”’ Jeremiah 29:11.
Then Maddox wrote,
Adelaide, God has such big plans for you! He already knows of your future and I know it will be a great one. Do not question whether or not I will be in it. Do not question my safety and my love for you. Know that God will not abandon you. He will prosper you. Oh, my sweet Adelaide, how I wish I could guarantee us a future together. I want nothing more than to hold and kiss and love you every day for the rest of our lives. But until I can make that future certain, trust in God with all of your soul and all of your heart and all of your mind. Love, Maddox.
Every message I find brings forth tears and anguish. I wish I could understand God’s plan for me. I wish I understood all that He has planned for this heartbreak given to Maddox and me both.
How could He do this to Maddox? Maddox has been a loyal follower…he has dedicated his life to Christ…why is he being punished?
I look over at Kristy and let out a soft sigh. “I would love to tell you everything, Kristy. I could really use a friend right now…but first, I need you to do something for me.”
Kristy lets out a sigh of relief, leaning forward to wrap her arms around my shoulders. “Of course…anything.”
“I need to see your phone.”