June 25, 2017
It has been over a month since the trip into town with Maddox.
It has been over a month since Maddox has left.
I don’t know where he went. He never came to the ranch after the incident. I watched from my window, waiting to see his blue truck pull into the driveway…however that never happened.
Missy, Adam, Kristy, and especially Jeremy refuse to tell me where he went. They only say, “It’s a personal issue. We must trust he will fix it on his own…” or at least, along those lines.
How can they keep this knowledge away from me? Surely, they understand that Maddox means something to me…that the friendship we forged lies dear upon my heart. I worry about him. I worry he’s in trouble.
The events of our trip to town still occupy my mind. I think of little else. I wonder who this Cameron is. I wonder who Emily and Nile are, and why their appearance took Maddox away.
Maddox has left everything behind. Serendipity, Phoenix, Cooper…and me. Without a word or a glance back…
The first few weeks were extremely hard. I had relied upon Maddox to be my comfort and constant company. I trusted that he would always be here for me. But I have been proven wrong.
After the first two weeks, I found something amongst Phoenix’s belongings…I found the brown leather halter and lead rope that Maddox has gifted me, and his Bible. I knew it was his, not only by his name printed on the cover, but because we’ve shared it every Sunday morning.
I stared at the cover, lying within a basket containing the halter made for a grown horse, the lead rope, leg wraps designed for a grown horse, and boots designed for a grown horse. Maddox had bought equipment that Phoenix would need in the years to come.
The notion is bittersweet. Maddox has always been selfless and I’m happy to accept the gifts. But the fact that he bought them now means that he does not intend to return before Phoenix is fully grown. He has prepared me for the future, because he does not intend to be here.
I grabbed the heavy book and contemplated what to do with it. For a split second, I was determined to throw it away. But as I held it and tears ran down my cheeks, I knew I could not. Phoenix, Serendipity, Cooper, and this Bible are all that are left of Maddox. I have no desire to get rid of any of them.
That night, I sat in my bed with the Bible in my lap. I opened it to a marked page and stared at the underlined scripture. Never will I leave you, nor forsake you. A piece of folded paper was also shoved within the pages and I skeptically opened it to reveal Maddox’s masculine handwriting.
Adelaide,
You do not know how much this pains me. It is tearing my heart apart as I write these words that will surely sever your own. I hate knowing that I am hurting you, but no matter how much anguish this is bringing me, it does not amount to the pain I would suffer if something happened to you.
I promised to share my past with you, sweet Adelaide. And I keep all of my promises.
My name is Cameron Maddox Steele, and at the age of seventeen, I was charged with manslaughter.
I wish I was there to tell you all of this. But being with you only puts you in danger. Nile, my brother-in-law, has a vendetta against me, and he caught a glimpse of just how important you are to me.
I know you have questions, but let me try to clarify as best as I can. I was seventeen, therefore I did not have to serve time in prison. I was given the opportunity to go to a ranch and serve my time with hard labor. And while I was doing so, I was bestowed upon the most loving family. Adam Crane saved my life…he took me in as his own child and when my debt to society was paid off, he offered me a home. A family.
I was blessed, Adelaide.
Nile was not. He was with me the night that man died. He was twenty-two and he was forced to serve his time in prison. He blames me for the hardships he faced. He blames me and he wants me to pay, just as he had.
When I saw him with you, Adelaide, it was as if everything went out of focus.
I fell in love with you the first day I met you. I am not ashamed to admit it. God has gifted you to me, to love and protect until my last breath. And that is what I am doing, my sweet Adelaide.
I must leave. I agreed to rejoin Nile, to sacrifice my soul if need be, to ensure you will never have to.
I have left Serendipity in your care. You love my horse and I trust her in your capable hands. I also leave Cooper with you, to protect you while I cannot. I went back to the shop and purchased essentials for Phoenix. I regret not being there to help watch him grow. But I know you will do a great job in raising him. And this Bible…Adelaide, God will never forsake you…even when I have.
Trust in Him. Give Him all your burdens and all your love. I have marked scriptures within this book and written notes in the margins. Do not seek them out. Instead, trust that God will bestow them upon you when the time is right. I pray to return to you soon, Adelaide. But I will not until the threat has diminished.
I do not expect you to wait for me…I want you to find love and comfort. I want you to laugh every day and read countless novels. I promised you the world, and as I’ve said, I keep my promises. I will return.
But until then, I love you this day and all the days to come.
Be strong, my sweet Adelaide, and do not be afraid to love.
Until I look upon your beautiful eyes again,
I love you,
Cameron Maddox Steele
I have read the letter every night. I don’t go to sleep without reading it, studying every word. I looked up the term for manslaughter to get a full understanding of what it meant. What I found shocked me to the core. How could Maddox do that?
For a while, I was angry with him. Disgusted. The mere thought of him killing someone made me sick to my stomach. He fit the description of a monster. I cursed the memory of Maddox.
But as time went by and I continued to read the letter every night, my hatred faded. How could it not? It’s clear that the Maddox at the age of seventeen is not the Maddox at the age of twenty-four. He isn’t violent, nor aggressive. He is calm and gentle.
Manslaughter is unintentional murder…meaning that it was an accident. I wish I could ask Maddox what had happened, but I fear I will never be given the opportunity.
I read the passage he intentionally marked over and over. At first, I thought Maddox was sending a message, saying he will never leave me. However, it is clear that he was silently begging me to rely upon God. To remember that even though people may leave us, God is a constant.
Over the month and a half, much has changed. I have gained a dog. Cooper, almost as if it were an assignment, has not left my side. He watches me constantly, always ready to pounce at a threat. He has become my dog, just as Maddox had intended.
I care for Serendipity. My skill in the saddle has improved greatly. I ride her almost every day with Phoenix following by her side.
Phoenix has already grown quite a bit and his training has progressed smoothly.
I feel as if my relationship with the Cranes has suffered due to my detachment. I find myself spending more time in the stables than in the house. I speak to the horses more than to people.
My heart is in constant ache. If I thought the betrayal at the store was heartbreaking, I was naïve. Even though I thought Maddox had betrayed me, I didn’t lose him. But now, with him gone, I feel amiss.
I do not understand the sorrow I feel. I didn’t feel this way when my mother passed, permanently leaving me.
Is this what love is like? If so, I never want to be in love again. Maddox has the power to completely break me.
Kristy convinced me to work with her at the town’s bookstore. She said it would be an easy way to occupy my mind and meet new people. While I did meet new people, my mind was hardly occupied.
It seemed every small motion would remind me of Maddox. If a man tipped his hat in greeting, I thought of Maddox. If someone scratched the back of their neck, I thought of Maddox. If the topic of horses came up, I thought of Maddox. If someone wore plaid, I thought of Maddox.
I’m beginning to lose my mind. How do I move on from this? How do I push this pain aside and continue onward?
A gasp leaves my lips as I stare at the markings on the page. I sit up, clutching Maddox’s Bible within my hands. The first noted verse. I have done as he wished. I did not search for his notes, instead I have been reading the Bible at a leisurely pace. And now, I have been bestowed upon his first message to me.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10.
Tears roll down my cheeks as I read the underlined verse. My fingers run over the words before I look at Maddox’s handwriting in the margin.
My sweet Adelaide, do not be dismayed. If ever you feel lost or at your weakest, remember God is by your side and He will strengthen you. I imagine you’re reading this while the pain of my departure is still raw. Lean onto Him, Adelaide, and He will uphold you. Love, Maddox.
I lift the Bible to my chest and let out a loud sob. Cooper whines from the foot of my bed, but I ignore him as I try to grow closer to Maddox through his words. I wish he were here, to help teach me the glory of God in person. But I cannot deny the warmth I feel inside to know that even hundreds of miles away, Maddox is still managing to save my life by showing me God’s love.