*Adelaide*
May 1, 2017
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I roll over to turn off my alarm clock.
Instead of getting up, I curl into a ball and stare at the red glowing numbers.
I’m still struggling with the concept of time. How are we able to place a day within a time frame? To split it up with “twenty-four hours”? And then to break an hour into sixty minutes, and then break a minute into sixty seconds…who came up with these numbers? Who came up with the length of a second, or even the length of a day?
When I was first introduced to time, it was my first Sunday morning with the Cranes. Missy was yelling through the house saying, “Church is at nine forty-five!” I honestly had no idea what that meant, on top of not knowing what church was.
How does everyone have the same time? How is it ensured that the person’s clock down the street is also glowing 6:32?
I guess this is something I should have learned when I was young so I could grow up with the knowledge of it. But there was no such thing as time. I was one with the sun outside…when it rose, so did I. And when it set, I went to bed.
Why wouldn’t my ma teach me about time?
Sighing, I swing my legs off the side of the bed and rise, walking toward my dresser to pull out an outfit.
I am slowly becoming comfortable with jeans, silently liking the odd sense of freedom they give me. I also wear flannels, mostly bright colored ones. I’m dead-set on keeping the dull colors out of my wardrobe, if I have anything to do with it.
So I mostly wear red, pink, purple, and blue flannels with black or light blue wash jeans.
Today, I pull on a pair of high waist light blue washed flare jeans, according to Kristy’s teachings, and a blue flannel tucked in with an inch-wide belt. When Kristy described every article of clothing that she picked out for me, I was greatly confused. But as time has gone by and with daily lessons, I am beginning to understand fashion.
I believe Kristy will be proud.
I slip on brown boots that are hidden by the pant legs, and after throwing my hair up in a messy bun, I exit my bedroom quietly. I know Kristy and Jeremy sleep well until seven, as late as they can until they have to get ready for school.
I try to be courteous and sneak out of the house without waking them up. I’m usually the first up in the household.
The sun is slowly rising in the sky, therefore it is partially dark out as I jog along the stone pathway. I throw a glance at the beautiful garden as I pass it, a habit that I’ve formed. I have always appreciated plants, and while I enjoy gardening, I want to expand my hobbies. I want to enjoy grooming horses or helping out with the cows.
I open the door to the barn and quickly walk over to Serendipity’s stall. Maddox doesn’t mind me tending to her, grooming her daily, and even walking her around the ranch. It pleases me that he trusts me with his horse.
I grab Serendipity’s halter and open the stall door, following the correct procedures Maddox taught me when retrieving a horse. I delicately run a hand down the gray mare’s face, starting with her forehead and moving lower to her soft nose. She gently nudges my hand and I smile, stepping aside so I can put the halter on. I then attach the lead rope and guide the large mare out of the stall.
Serendipity seems to be getting bigger and bigger as the days go on. At this point, I’m half convinced the foal will just drop from her stomach, ripping the horse in half.
I walk Serendipity out of the barn, our pace sluggish as we enjoy the rising sun. Vibrant colors of pink and yellow dance across the clear sky, creating a calm atmosphere.
The loyal horse walks beside me, the rope loose within my grasp. Serendipity is well-trained, Maddox has taken great care of her. I wonder how her foal will be…will he be as gentle has his mother? Or perhaps he will cause trouble.
I don’t fully understand how Serendipity…or anyone, really, is pregnant. I understand that there is a baby growing inside of her, but how did it get there? Do we reach a certain age and suddenly become pregnant?
And why is it that only females can be pregnant? Why can’t men?
It makes no sense to me. Time, school, God, kissing, pregnancy. All of it…it makes no sense and it’s my ma’s fault!
How could she do this to me? How could she keep me from so much beauty? How could she allow me to grow old without the simple knowledge of time? Or how could she serve me PB and J’s constantly, but never lasagna?
She has made me an outcast. She caused me to be different—a freak—as Jeremy says. And I don’t even know the reason why!
I feel warm tears roll down my cheeks and realize I have stopped walking to lean against the fence as I stare at the morning sky. I quickly wipe my tears away and turn Serendipity around to return to the barn.
When I walk inside I see Boaz, the dark bay, tied to the wall in the middle of the aisle. I halt Serendipity and pull my eyebrows together, wondering who brought the horse out.
“Morning, Adelaide.” I look over my shoulder and smile as Adam walks up from behind Serendipity, softly running his hand over her rump to keep her from getting spooked.
“Good morning, Adam,” I respond. Adam gently pushes on Boaz, causing his horse to side-step closer to the left side of the aisle, allowing me to walk by.
After I put Serendipity away, I grab a brush and help Adam groom his horse.
“Have you thought about riding again?” Adam suddenly asks after a few minutes of silence. I look at him over Boaz’s back, a frown settling on my mouth.
“No…the first time didn’t go so well,” I say honestly.
It scared me. I had no control over the horse and I had no idea what I was doing. If it wasn’t for Maddox, I’m sure I would have ended up with an injury. I’m glad I tried, but I’m not in any rush to get back on a horse.
I like it better when I walk beside them instead of sitting upon them.
“The first time hardly goes well with anyone. It’d be a miracle if you were able to get on and have no difficulties. I believe Dexter was the wrong choice for you, however,” Adam says, leaving me for a moment to come back with a saddle in his hands.
He begins tacking up his horse and I stand by, watching every movement he makes.
“Boaz is a better option?” I ask, my heart accelerating at the fear of Adam forcing me onto the back of his horse. If I don’t want to ride, he won’t make me, will he?
“No. Eowyn, Missy’s horse, is the best option since Serendipity is pregnant. Those two are our most gentle horses,” Adam answers, grabbing Boaz’s reins. “Well, I’m going to go for a ride. Feel free to take Eowyn out and perhaps get to know her. If you want to ride, Maddox will be happy to assist you.”
Without another word, Adam leaves and I’m alone in the barn. I look over at Eowyn’s stall, sighing. I’m half-tempted to open the door and bring the horse out, but I’m also uncertain.
Missy wouldn’t mind? It’s her personal horse, surely she wouldn’t want me around it.
Adam wouldn’t have offered if his wife wasn’t okay with it, I think.
After a short debate, I decide that grooming the horse wouldn’t hurt. So, I lead the palomino mare out and slowly begin grooming her.
Adam was right. Eowyn is practically as gentle as Serendipity. She stands sturdy, allowing me to brush and walk around her. She even has the same eyes. The same eyes that see me for who I am.
I sigh again, pressing my forehead against Eowyn’s. The horse snorts softly and I let out a soft laugh.
Is she encouraging me?
I suck my bottom lip between my teeth and chew on it something fierce before I begin walking to the tack room.
I grab the saddle that is placed under Eowyn’s name, grabbing the bridle as well. Remembering how I’ve seen Maddox and Adam tack up horses countless times, I follow their procedures. Eowyn stands still as I do my best. When I’m done, I step back to see that everything looks as it should…as I’ve seen on other horses.
“Am I doing this?” I whisper to the horse. Her brown eyes flick to me at the sound of my voice and hold my gaze for a moment. I reach forward and gently brush under her eyes. She is so soft there.
Nerves overwhelm me. I have no idea what I’m about to do. I don’t know how to ride, I’ve never done it. I’ve seen Adam and Maddox do it every day, but that’s hardly the same thing.
You just tacked up this horse, based solely on observations, I argue with myself.
I have two options. I can either untack this horse, put her back in the stall, and return to the house, where I will continue to be the isolated girl who dreamed of one day seeing a horse. Or, I can take that dream one step further and put the isolated girl to rest.
My lack of knowledge already puts so many limitations on me. I can’t go to school or drive a car. I don’t understand the meaning of love and fear I may never know what a kiss feels like. I have had minimal contact with people, mostly because I don’t know how to interact. But I have been given a new start, a chance to be the person I have always dreamed of being. Do I just ignore this opportunity, or do I seize it?
Do I get on the horse, or do I give in to my fear and walk away?
If I walk away, I might as well walk back to my home in the woods, for I don’t deserve to be here otherwise.
I lead Eowyn outside to the pasture I had tried to ride in before. I place my left foot in the stirrup, and after bouncing up and down a few times, I jump up and swing my right leg over the saddle.
I instantly tense the moment my butt makes contact with the saddle, waiting for Eowyn to bolt. But she just stands there, her head lowering to the ground to graze. I smile triumphantly. I can’t believe I did this!
After situating myself in the saddle, both feet in the stirrups, I gather the reins in my hands. I try to remember how Maddox showed me. Just as I begin to gently nudge Eowyn with my heel, a voice keeps me from doing so.
“Adelaide! What are you doing?” I jerk, looking over my shoulder to see Maddox running from his truck. His eyes are wide with concern as he climbs the fence and hops over it, making his way toward me. His hands are clenched in fists and I instinctively flinch when he grabs Eowyn’s reins. I look down at him with slight fear, afraid of what he is going to do to me.
I can tell he’s upset. Does that lead to him now breaking my heart, as my mom put it? I don’t necessarily know what that means, but I can infer it has something to do with a man being upset and harming a woman.
“Are you crazy? You don’t know how to ride, you can get hurt!” His voice is shaky as he places a light hand on my calf. He bows his head and rests his forehead on Eowyn’s shoulder. He is silent for a moment, holding on to both me and the horse. He then looks up at me with amazement. “Did you tack this horse up on your own?” he asks.
I slowly nod my head, scared my answer will end with a reprimand.
“I’m impressed,” Maddox softly says, sighing and stepping back to give me a bit of space. Eowyn snorts, lowering her head to continue grazing. “Promise me you will never do this again, not without someone present. You-you can get hurt, Adelaide. And I don’t know what I’d do if that were to happen. Promise me.”
Maddox, for the first time since I’ve met him, looks vulnerable. He sincerely is frightened about my safety. That gesture warms my heart and I nod my head again.
Maddox smiles and steps back again. “Great. Then I guess it’s time for you to learn how to ride.”