*Maddox*
May 5, 2017
“I don’t get it…”
Her soft voice grips me and drags me away from my slumber. I roll onto my stomach, feeling the prickling of the grass against my stomach. My shirt has ridden up during my sleep, but I make no move to fix it as I become captivated with the sight before me.
Adelaide lays on her stomach, a quilt acting as a fine layer between her and the grass. She wears a white hat to protect her face from the sun. Her skin is still delicate. It has been deprived all her life, and it will take a while for her skin to get used to the sun. Her beautiful blonde hair is pulled over one shoulder, softly blowing in the wind as her eyes are downcast upon a book.
I rest my chin on my arms, my eyes watching her as I reply, “What don’t you get?”
Adelaide lifts her head, looking at me with surprise, as if she had forgotten I was here. I offer her a small smile, rising a brow in question.
“This…listen.” Adelaide reads to me, describing a man placing his arm around a woman’s shoulders, holding her close. Her voice is a soft whisper amongst the whistling of the wind and I hum in appreciation.
Adelaide is reading the second installment of the Left Behind series, a great collection I suggested she read. I was slightly surprised to see that she took my advice and the action warmed my heart.
“What do you not get, Adelaide?” I ask, allowing her name to roll out my tongue like smooth caramel.
“Her head on his chest, his arm around her…what all does that mean? What are they doing?” she asks, setting the book down to grant me her full attention.
I silently wish Kristy were here today, but after being late to school on Wednesday because of the kitchen catastrophe, she isn’t allowed any more days off…even when she pulls the “Adelaide wants to learn!” card to her mother.
Kristy would be able to answer this question…I seem to struggle with these types of questions, because instead of answering, I’d rather show Adelaide.
I want to bring her into my arms, rest her head on my chest and wrap my arms around her…I want to protect her from the world she’s still afraid of, but learning to accept.
“They’re…cuddling,” I say, biting my bottom lip. “Erm, couples do this. It brings each other comfort. As humans, we have a natural desire to be held in each other’s arms. It’s a form of physical contact that we naturally crave.”
Did I answer that right?
Adelaide brings her eyebrows together, concentrating hard. “I’ve never had the desire to be held…”
I frown at her. What did her mother do? Did she neglect Adelaide to the extent that she was never even hugged?
“You never wished for someone to hug you? Even when you were sad?” Adelaide gets that look on her face. I hate this look. The one where she comes to the realization that she is a freak, as Jeremy called her. That the questions she asks are unusual and stupid.
I hate this look because it’s not true. Yes, Adelaide is different. She doesn’t understand the world around her. But she is pure and kind. She has a tenderness to her that is hardly seen anymore.
Yesterday, I helped Adelaide with Eowyn. She mounted the horse like a pro, and after a few times around the pasture, Adelaide was confident enough to walk without me by her side. The look of pure satisfaction and joy that she had on her face was rare.
People take for granted the little things. People are given iPhones and laptops, trips around the world, and their gratitude and excitement are barely half of Adelaide’s. And Adelaide’s enjoyment comes from walking around the pasture on a horse.
Yes, she’s different from every girl I know, but I would not trade company. I would never prefer to be beside anyone other than her.
“My ma never hugged me. I can only recall one incident, however she touched me as if I were a disease. It was nothing like how Missy hugs Kristy…I want to be hugged like that, just to feel what it’s like. To feel loved and cherished.”
So she does have a hidden desire to be held…
I rise to my knees, fix my shirt, and half-crawl toward Adelaide. She moves back, lifting off the ground and sitting on her feet as she looks at me with uncertainty.
“I’ll show you, Adelaide, just what you’ve been missing.” The fear in her eyes cannot be missed. She’s scared, though I don’t understand why. I have made it explicitly clear that I would never do anything to harm her.
Surely, she knows a hug could do no harm.
Does she fear she will enjoy it? That she will find yet another reason to grow angry toward her past? I see the hatred that brews within her every time she tries something new. Just as she hugged Cooper, felt the warm fur against her skin, she was delighted but also upset, for she had missed out on having a dog all her life.
“Trust me, Adelaide,” I whisper.
With a soft sigh, she shifts to the same position I am in, waiting patiently for me to make my move.
I close the distance between us, slowly slipping my hand under her arms and around to her back. I pull her in close to me, cradling the back of her head with my hand, holding it to my chest. My left hand splays across the small of her back, acting as an iron vise that will keep her safe.
I rest my cheek atop her soft hair, closing my eyes as warmth radiates between the two of us. I breathe in her sweet smell of shampoo and earth.
For a moment, it’s only a one-sided hug. I have my arms wrapped around her while hers lay idle by her sides. However, after a minute, Adelaide tentatively raises her arms and locks them around my waist. I feel her fingers close in around my flannel shirt, gripping tightly against me.
I send mental thoughts to her, projecting my love and admiration of her. I want her to understand everything I feel, just by our embrace. She said she wishes to be held as if she were loved. Well, her wish is granted.
I’m not sure if I am in love with Adelaide, but I do love her. I care for her, more so than I’ve ever cared about anyone. I know this is the girl God created for me and I intend to be here for her in any way I can.
I’m afraid that I will one day go too far and it will result in Adelaide pushing me away forever.
My past will harm her. It will haunt her dreams and it will attack her gentle nature. She must never know what I did years ago. However, if there is to be a future between the two of us, I will have to share my demons. I will not lie to Adelaide…
Even if she asked me now, here in this moment, about my past, I would tell her. I would tell her every horrid secret. Every horrible crime I committed.
I know there will be consequences to face…I’ve faced many, but there will never be enough to balance the scale.
I gently de-tangle myself from Adelaide and look down at her shimmering blue eyes. They are soft, filled with happiness and wonder as they focus on me. “I understand…hugging is an amazing feeling.”
I chuckle softly.
If she thinks hugging is great, wait until we dive deeper into the lesson of kissing.
“She has you wrapped around her finger,” Jeremy says, grooming Raven. I grip the pitchfork in my hands, mucking out Raven’s stall. I try to ignore his childish remarks about Adelaide, but they’re fueling a fire within me.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Sweat rolls down my back.
I have been working overtime the last two hours, since I spent the majority of my day with Adelaide. I had pushed my chores back, only to have them pile atop of me now. But I don’t regret it. That hug today is worth it. Just being by her side is worth it.
“Kind of pathetic, man,” Jeremy mutters. I growl, straightening my back and cease shoveling manure to face Jeremy.
“What is your problem with her? Why don’t you like her?”
Jeremy’s dark eyes narrow in on me as he stops brushing his horse. He shrugs. “She’s a stranger. The way she talks…I don’t know, it’s unsettling. And then there’s the fact that everything is new to her. It’s like we have to teach her how to breathe and it’s just annoying. No one asked if I was okay with having some strange girl move in! She was dumped on us, because her own mother couldn’t even stand her…which then led to Aunt Elena killing herself!”
Jeremy’s voice starts off cold and calm, but as momentum built, he rose to a shout laced with hatred. I glower over at him, shaking my head.
He’s acting like a child. “You don’t know that, Jeremy! She’s an innocent girl, deprived of essentials to living! Don’t blame any of this on her!”
“I blame all of it on her! Ever since she arrived, everyone is different. You, Ma, Kristy, even Pa…you’re all under her spell and it’s sick!” I drop my pitchfork and step forward to reprimand Jeremy, to put him in his place.
I understand where he’s coming from, I do…but he has no right to speak poorly of Adelaide. He hasn’t given her the time of day, and he passes judgment as if he does have the right to.
I freeze, however, when I hear the side door of the barn slam open. I jerk my head around to see Adelaide standing there, a tray of brownies in her hands and tears rolling down her cheeks. I see her shoulder’s fall forward, as if her body is trying to fold into itself. She lets out a soft sob before the tray falls to the ground, shattering with pieces of brownie bouncing into the darkest parts of the barn.
She whirls around, the skirt of her sundress fanning around her as she goes to run back to the house. “Darn you, Jeremy,” I grit out, bolting after Adelaide.
The crunch of gravel alerts her to my approach and, as if she’s frightened, she halts from running and falls to her knees. She places her arms over her head, protecting herself from a punch. I frown, slowly lowering down to place a gentle hand on her back.
“I’m sorry, Adelaide. Everything that he said…it’s not true. You mustn’t believe him.” I softly unravel her arms and tenderly grab her chin, lifting it so I can look into her eyes. “You are so beautiful and pure and kind. You have brought nothing but life to this ranch. Jeremy is angry with himself and jealous. You’ve captivated our attention. And that is not a bad thing. You are not a bad thing.”
Unlike last time, where I initiated the embrace, Adelaide takes it upon herself to rest her head against my chest and cry. I sigh, wrapping her up in my arms as I hold her fragile, shaking body. Harsh sobs run through her and I know it’s not only because of Jeremy’s distaste toward her.
Does she believe she killed her mother? Does anyone believe that? I don’t. There’s nothing Adelaide could have done to lead anyone to their death. If her ma did commit suicide, it was because of her own internal demons.
It has to be.