Chapter 16

“I said, do you think you’ll be able to work this morning?” Niall asked and ducked his head so he could see Ran’s eyes. They jumped from his plate to the dining room windows and Ran shook his head.

“Not until this fog clears. It could be a few hours so I’ve got the horses inside, getting shots and checkups. My jockeys won’t be able to see their horses’ heads out there and we can’t find them on the fields,” he murmured distantly then sighed. “Go for a walk with me, I’m restless,” Ran said as he tossed his napkin at his plate and Niall nodded. The conservatory was always warm but it still felt gloomy on overcast days. It would be shrouded in the heavy mist and eerie until the sun could break through in the afternoon. Niall loved when the weather became grey and spooky and a walk with Ran in the gardens or by the loch would be perfect.

“If it’ll keep you out of trouble,” he said and quickly finished his tea then stood.

“I’m not in the mood for trouble,” Ran stated wearily as he pushed back his chair and got up. “Let’s go by the kitchen for our coats,” he said as he followed Niall into the hall. Niall hugged his favorite jumper tighter around him and frowned.

“I’m worried about you,” he murmured and Ran sighed heavily as they made their way past the kitchen.

“We’re going for a walk, Brundy,” Ran said as he nodded at the housekeeper and the cook and Niall waved at them as he pulled his coat off the hook.

“We’ll keep the kettle on and have some scones ready,” the cook said and Ran gave them a boyish grin as he shrugged into his coat.

“It’s no wonder I’m so fat and spoiled,” he complained and Ms. Brundage rolled her eyes and waved dismissively.

“Ye’d have to slow down to get fat,” she muttered as Ran used his shoulder to push the door open and held it for Niall. “Mind yer heid and yer…”
“I know,” Ran said loudly then pulled Niall through and shut it. “To the loch?” He asked and Niall nodded as he shoved his hands into his pockets. They were quiet as they passed through the garden and into the woods before Ran pulled Niall against his side and swung his arm around his shoulders. Niall reached around and slipped his hand into Ran’s pocket to keep it warm. “It’s looking very haunted out here today,” Ran observed as he kissed Niall’s temple.

“It does,” Niall agreed and he made a content sound as they followed the path to the loch. They were quiet again, neither seemed inclined to disturb the velvety denseness of the fog as it cloaked them in peace and privacy until Niall paused to watch an owl land on a branch just above them. Ran was staring at Niall and he looked worn and a little haunted as he studied his face.

“I don’t think I’ll be making many more trips to London, beyond business or politics,” Ran said carefully as he pulled Niall so they continued walking. Niall tried to lean away so he could see his eyes but Ran’s arm tightened around him.

“I’m sorry, are you suggesting you’re going to be…?” He flailed his hand and Ran rolled his eyes.

“Celibate? Why not?” He asked and Niall’s lips twisted as he imagined it.

“Because you’re Ran and you’re already mad and you’ll end up destroying half of Gallahide or kill someone,” he predicted and Ran snorted.

“You don’t think I could do it? I can do it,” he said defensively and Niall winced.

“I don’t know… You get restless when you go a morning without riding,” he pointed out and Ran groaned under his breath. Niall squinted as he thought it through. He does enjoy his morning ride… He pictured Ran on Kelpie and it was all just fine until Niall imagined what else he might ride in the morning. “I… I’m just going to jump in now,” he said as he nodded at the water and Ran laughed softly as he towed Niall under a tree and leaned against the trunk. Niall turned and relaxed against Ran’s chest as he was wrapped in his arms.

“How do you do it?” Ran asked as his lips sifted through Niall’s hair. Niall rolled his eyes then grinned at the lake.

“I’m sure sex is great but have you ever popped an entire sheet of bubble wrap by yourself?” He said and Ran’s breath huffed against his cheek as he laughed. “I love you for thinking that was a joke but that’s what’s waiting for you,” Niall warned and he felt Ran shrug.

“That sounds pretty satisfying in its own way and it has to feel better than this,” he said as he rested his chin on Niall’s shoulder. Niall’s heart sank and he felt a little sick. Look at how much you’re hurting him.

“What if you went away for a while?” Niall urged as he turned in his arms and searched Ran’s face. His brows pulled together as he stared down at him.

“Where would I go?” Ran asked and Niall shook his head.

“Wherever you want. You could just take a year and travel!” He suggested excitedly. Isla and Simon wouldn’t be able to plan anything and they were bound to kill themselves or get arrested. They’d go to Hell a lot faster on their own if Ran wasn’t there to stop them. Niall could find some way to encourage them and help the process along if he wasn’t worried about Ran every damn minute of the day.

“Are you that desperate to get rid of me?” Ran pouted playfully as his thumb swept across Niall’s lips and he pulled a face.

“I’d miss you like hell and be miserable but at least I’d know you were happy.”

“Well, it’d be for nothing, then,” Ran said. “I couldn’t be happy without you and you’re out of your mind if you think I’d leave you with them for a year,” he decided and dismissed the idea entirely. A year is better than forever, Niall grumbled to himself. He’d have a year to get over you and find someone else, his heart warned.

“A lot could change in a year,” Niall said as he turned back to the loch.

“We won’t. You’ll still be too damn stubborn and I’ll still be waiting for you,” Ran said and Niall couldn’t take it. He wasn’t feeling very stubborn as Ran’s beard brushed against his neck. He was feeling quite weak, actually.

“Don’t wait,” Niall whispered. His eyelids fell and heat spilled down his body as Ran panted. For a moment, they pretended he meant something else, that he didn’t want Ran to stop. Ran’s hand spread across Niall’s chest and he held him tighter as he took a deep breath.

“I’ve made up my mind,” he said. “I can’t do it anymore, Niall. It’s never felt right and it’s not how I want to spend the rest of my life. There’s something I need to resolve in Town but I’m done after that. I’m staying home and I’ll start meditating or I’ll pop bubble wrap with you.”

“That sounds pathetic,” Niall stated and Ran shrugged.

“I don’t know… Maybe we’ll make a race out of it. We can see who finishes their sheet first,” Ran offered. Niall was about to argue but turned and jumped in front of Ran and spread his arms protectively as a fox chased a hare through a bush and across the path, just ahead of them. “Easy, lad!” Ran laughed as he gripped Niall’s shoulder and whispered against his cheek. “I could use you in London but I’m safe enough in my own home. I’ll fear no man or animal at Gallahide,” he vowed then slid his arm around Niall as he turned him. What about Isla? Niall wondered but he let Ran turn them back to the castle and leaned against him as they walked.

“You know how you’re always offering to send me pictures and links?” Niall asked and Ran nodded warily. “Maybe I’ll send you some, to make the celibacy thing easier,” he suggested and Ran’s eyes were huge as they slid to Niall.

“You’re going to help me with my spank bank?” He asked and it was high and a bit choked and Niall’s brows fell.

“No… I… A spank bank?” He asked and Ran cleared his throat. Niall’s face became hot and he wanted to punch it. “Not like that,” he complained and gave Ran a flat look. “I meant books that might help you pass the time, relaxing pictures, meditation exercises, sales on bubble wrap…” He explained and Ran laughed.

“I am curious as to which books you’d think might be useful,” he said and Niall’s lips pulled tight as he considered.

“Thoreau?” He offered and Ran’s eyes twinkled.

“Is this my Walden Pond?” He asked and Niall shook his head.

“It’s not isolated enough and you live with vipers,” he said and Ran shushed him.

“It’s not all bad. We have each other and the rest of the house. Who doesn’t have a terrible relative or two?” He argued and Niall frowned.

“This isn’t like living with an elderly, racist uncle who’s a Tory.”

“No but it’s just as difficult and unacceptable to get rid of them as well. You have the family you’re stuck with and the family you choose. You rely on your chosen family to help you endure the family you can’t kill. I’ll suffer through a lot worse to keep Gallahide because of people like Brundy, cook and Pearson, and I couldn’t have you without Isla and Simon,” he pointed out then nodded faintly as he searched through the fog for the castle. “Which is why I need to stay home. This is all that matters,” he murmured as his hand tightened around Niall’s. “My heart is here and I feel like I’m doing something very wrong when I leave. Or something feels very wrong when I leave,” he added and Niall nodded.

“I know but you don’t have to sacrifice your life for Gallahide or me, you deserve to be happy.”

“Don’t you get it?” Ran said as he stopped Niall and tilted his chin back. His eyes were broken and spilled into Niall’s as his head lowered. Their noses touched and Niall could taste the tea on Ran’s breath as his heart slammed into his ribs. Their lips brushed and Ran exhaled long and slow as he gathered Niall in his arms. Niall’s soul screamed and clawed, desperate for him to lean just a little closer and open his lips and pull Ran in. He needed him like air and warmth and it hurt. It hurt so vividly and deeply, Niall’s eyes watered and his throat tightened. A soft curse slipped from Ran’s lips before they pressed against Niall’s and everything stopped. The pain stopped and the fear was gone. There was nothing but Ran and Niall felt safe and good. It was just the barest touch and neither moved and they barely breathed but it felt sacred and indescribably precious. Niall thought there would be loathing and guilt but there was just peace and joy. “I would give my life for Gallahide but I don’t want it without you. Even if there’s vipers and I have to live like a monk, I need you here.” Ran’s voice broke and Niall felt it in his heart and his conscience. He’d pushed Ran to satisfy his physical needs with other men and begged him to move on and denied that part of him burned with fear and jealousy. He wanted Ran to find someone who deserved him and could give him a future but Niall couldn’t pretend he didn’t feel relieved and a little proud that he’d been chosen. But he knew what Ran was walking away from and how much it would cost him and Niall knew he was just as terrible as Isla and Simon. There wasn’t a lie he wouldn’t tell or a law he wouldn’t break to protect the one thing he loved and wanted most. Even if he couldn’t have it.

“I do get it.”