Chapter 28

“Are you sure we’re supposed to be here?” Niall asked as the cab stopped in front of a stately mansion on Carlton House Terrace.

“This should cover the fare and any damage to the cabin, once it’s dry,” Ran said as he passed the driver all the soggy pounds from his wallet then pushed Niall out. “I’ve never visited but the master of the house said I should, if I’m ever in the neighborhood.”

“It’s late, Ran, and we’re waterlogged. I don’t think this is what he had in mind,” Niall warned as they climbed the steps and Ran waved it off as he rang the bell. They waited for several moments before Ran offered him a sheepish look.

“Knowing Roman, this is exactly what he had in mind,” he said then smiled as the door opened and a tall, pale, slender young man eyed them warily.

“Yes?” He asked expectantly but he seemed to cower and Niall felt less optimistic. He was a little creepy but Ran wasn’t worried. He offered him a wide grin as he put his arm around Niall.

“My name is Ranulf MacEachern and I’m hoping Mr. Carlisle is available,” he said and the young man bowed his head as he stepped back.

“Please come this way, Lord Lachlan. Mr. Carlisle has retired for the evening but I’ll let him know you’re here,” he said as he waved them in. He dodged their eyes as he shut the door behind them and Niall’s brows fell and he looked at Ran as they followed him.

“Was he expecting you?” Niall asked him and Ran shrugged.

“You just can’t tell with Roman,” he said.

“Mr. Carlisle said you were to be given any help you require and are always welcome at Carlton House,” the young butler said as he guided them into the study then hurried to the fireplace. He struck a match and Niall stifled a gasp as the light from the flame touched the right side of his face. A long scar was ripped along his ear and cheek and wrapped around his jaw. Niall waited until the young man coaxed a large fire to life then gave him a grateful smile as soon as he could find his eyes and held his gaze.

“Thank you so much, we’re freezing!” Niall said as he pushed closer to the fire and the younger man ducked his head but he seemed to cower less.

“I’ll let Mr. Carlisle know you’re here. He should be down soon,” he said then paused and looked at the door as a strikingly handsome man with dark hair and silver eyes strode into the study. He appeared to be in the process of removing his tuxedo and a bit disheveled but his lips tilted into a warm, drowsy smile and his eyes sparkled with laughter and mischief. A gorgeous man with soft green eyes was in a similar state of getting undressed and his blond hair stood in wild spikes as he followed him in.

“Ran! I thought I heard your voice,” the darker man laughed as he offered his hand and Ran chuckled as he took it.

“Sorry if we caught you at a bad time, Roman, but I need to hide for a little while and figure out how to get rid of my brother and sister,” he said cheerfully and Niall’s eyes flared and his jaw fell. Roman wasn’t nearly as shocked as Niall would have expected. In fact, his eyes glowed brighter and his lips pulled into an even larger smile.

“It’s about time! How can I help?” He asked then held up a hand as he turned. “Could you start a fire in the guest room please, Grigore?” Roman said to the butler. Grigore bowed again then silently took himself off. “I assume you just need one room…” Roman said as he raised a brow at Ran. Niall started to object but Ran grabbed his hand.

“Roman, this is Niall, Lord Brewarden, and we just need the one room,” he said firmly and Niall cleared his throat and tugged discreetly.

“You might change your mind,” he said quietly and Ran sighed as he turned to him.

“I told you, none of it matters.” His eyes were determined as they held Niall’s. He recognized that look and he had so much faith in it but he dreaded seeing it vanish once Ran knew.

“It will,” he replied then swallowed hard. It was going to be a night of all around shitty revelations for Ran. “If we could talk…” He slid Roman an apologetic look but Ran shook his head.

“I trust Roman with my life and I have a feeling we’re going to need his help. I also have a feeling whatever you’re going to tell me will help us figure out our next move,” he said encouragingly and Roman cleared his throat.

“Lord Brewarden, this is my soon-to-be husband, Quinn,” he said and Quinn gave them a brilliant smile and waved.

“Welcome to Carlton House, we’re literally thieves, murderers, prostitutes and various varieties of exiles. I have a feeling you’ll fit right in,” he declared teasingly and Niall felt half the tension fall from him. He still had to tell Ran. He didn’t really care what anyone else in the room or the world thought of him but he dreaded telling Ran.

“You’re not going to want anything to do with me after this but I want you to know there’s nothing you can think of me that isn’t already branded on my soul. Regret and remorse can’t begin to touch what I’ve felt and you can’t imagine how much I’ve hated myself,” he said and Roman gave him a tender smile.

“Quinn wasn’t kidding. I’m a thief and a murderer and I have a feeling this is a drop in the bucket, comparatively, Lord Brewarden. Out with it,” Roman insisted gently and Niall nodded as he turned to the fire. He didn’t want to see Ran’s face. He didn’t want to see the disgust or see the moment Ran stopped loving him.

“I hate her so much, Ran. She destroyed my life every day. Every time I found a way to forget and feel like I could live with myself or felt a glimmer of real joy, she crushed it,” he whispered.

“Isla?” Ran asked and Niall nodded.

“Simon too but I was her favorite victim. I can’t say I don’t know what I did to deserve it because I deserved a hell of a lot worse.”

“Niall, don’t be…” Ran started but Niall shook his head.

“You’ll understand and you won’t want me and I don’t think I’ll be welcome here,” he predicted then took a deep breath. “It was six years ago, just before I agreed to marry Isla. I knew Simon at school and he knew about me. I did my best to be as quiet as possible and prayed no one would notice but he knew, somehow. He introduced me to Isla and from the beginning, I knew they’d ruin me. I tried to distance myself from them but Simon said she wanted a husband with a title who wouldn’t interfere with her life. They knew I was…gay.” His voice was weak and wavered and Niall shook his head. Hiding and lying ruined his life. “I was gay and my family’s been broke for decades,” he said clearly as he watched the fire. “We were on our last leg and Simon and Isla promised my estate would be solvent again if I married her. I refused. My parents were dead but I knew they’d never want me to sacrifice myself or my happiness like that. I thought Simon and Isla would move on and find someone else. A few weeks went by and they barely spoke to me and I thought it was over. Then, Simon pulled me aside and told me he was going to this wild party and it was just for men, mostly gay men. Simon’s…disgusting. Not because of the party, he just is.” Niall rested his forearm on the mantle as he braced himself. He thought it might make him look cool and relaxed but his legs were shaking and he felt sick. “I wish I’d never gone. In my head, I thought it was my one chance to be like Cinderella for a night. Nobody would know me or judge me and I could finally try something. Simon said he’d take care of me and make sure I didn’t get in over my head. It was overwhelming but thrilling, what little I remember. We made it through the ballroom and to the bar and I don’t remember anything after that. It’s like the lights went out completely. I woke up in a hotel room and Simon and Isla were there. I was so damn naive and flew too close to the sun too fast. They drugged me and I have no recollection of the night after that first drink. I’m afraid I wasn’t that original with you. I even used his drugs,” he said apologetically and Ran hissed softly. Niall shut his eyes as Ran’s hands squeezed his shoulders.

“You drugged me but the choice was mine after I woke up. You didn’t consent to whatever happened,” he insisted and Niall snorted as he rested his forehead on his arm. He was getting too hot. Steam came off his wet clothes and his face burned but he wanted it to burn more. Part of him wanted to jump into the fire. Every time he thought about it…

“Isla had a picture and it looked like I was definitely consenting. I was kissing a boy in front of the hotel and she said there were more. She said there were some of me with him and I… She said I was an animal and did terrible things to him but he was gone when I woke up,” he explained and Ran cleared his throat quietly as he rubbed Niall’s arms.

“I understand you weren’t ready to come out and maybe you were embarrassed but it’s not that bad,” he said and Niall laughed bitterly as he turned.

“No. He was a boy,” he clarified loudly and rage and nausea swelled within him. “She said he was sixteen and I have no idea what I did to him because I don’t know who I was when I was with him!” He twisted his fingers in his shirt anxiously as his eyes drilled into Ran’s, waiting for the loathing and anger but he was still as he watched him. “How could I do that? How could I be capable of that?” He demanded and Ran shook his head and shushed him as he kissed him. Niall jumped and his hands braced against Ran’s chest.

“You’re not,” Ran said as his eyes pinned Niall’s.

“Well, even if he was…” Roman murmured thoughtfully. “If he found that boy at that party, he was definitely consenting and way more experienced than Niall,” he pointed out and Niall’s face twisted.

“That doesn’t make what I did alright! He was a child and it makes me sick every time I think about it!” He said and Ran winced.

“You’re right. Obviously,” he said as he held up his hands. “But you weren’t capable of making a real decision and who knows what you were given or what that boy told you. What if he told you he was older? Isla and Simon might have put him up to it,” he pointed out and Niall shook his head.

“I did it. It doesn’t matter why or how. I saw the picture of us in front of the hotel and I was kissing him. I was capable of kissing him and walking into a hotel room with him, so I wasn’t that far gone,” he argued and Ran’s lips pulled tight and he shook his head. He was preparing to litigate.

“I can tell you from experience, you could have been out of your bloody skull. Do you have a copy of this back at Gallahide?” He asked and Niall chuckled wryly.

“I have copies everywhere. She sends it to me almost daily, to remind me to keep my mouth shut. If I had my phone, I could show you a text message or an email,” he murmured.

“Why don’t we have a look at it?” Roman asked as he pressed his phone into Niall’s hand and he jumped and gasped down at it. He didn’t see Roman move.

“Can’t you take my word for it?”

“No,” Roman said and his eyes were wide and there was a hard absoluteness Niall couldn’t defy.

“Ok,” he said shakily as he opened the phone’s browser and logged into his email account. He didn’t have to hunt for more than a few seconds and he felt like the floor was caving in as he gave the phone to Ran.

“None of it matters,” he whispered to Niall and gave him a determined look before his eyes dropped to the phone. Ran’s brows pinched together as he pulled the screen closer then enlarged it. “Did you look at the other pictures?” He asked slowly as his head fell to the side and Niall shook his head.

“No. I couldn’t. I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I saw them. I’ve wanted to kill myself so many times over that but I was too scared to leave you with Simon and Isla,” Niall admitted as he pointed at the phone and Ran groaned as he cupped his cheek.

“I wish you would have come to me,” he said and Niall sighed.

“You were the only thing I had. I couldn’t risk losing you but I never let myself forget that I could never truly have you. Not after what I did. I would never be fit for you or ever deserve you,” he said and Ran waved at him.

“Just…wait. Is this the best copy you have of this?” He asked and Niall nodded.

“That’s it. Why?” He asked and Ran hissed as he held it out to Roman.

“Does that look like young Marston to you?” He asked and Roman took the phone from him and his head pulled back and he raised a brow.

“I’m almost completely certain,” he replied and Niall grabbed the mantel as the room turned.

“You know him?”

“Oh, we know him,” Ran said then laughed. “Now, I’ve never had sex with Marston but I’d think you’d know if you did,” he mused and Roman pointed as he nodded.

“I’ve fucked him a few times and you would definitely remember. He’s…” He made a dreamy, nostalgic sound and Quinn rolled his eyes.

“Why would he know? Is there something distinctive about him that might help Niall remember?”

“Distinctive?” Roman winced as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “He is a beautiful young man but it’s more a… You know how most people have a line they won’t cross or shame? He doesn’t. He doesn’t have a single inhibition and he’s utterly indestructible. We could just ask him,” he suggested and Niall clapped his hand over his mouth to hold back a scream.

“You know him!” He squeaked. “I’m going to throw up,” he warned and Ran reached for him.

“Please! Roman just said he doesn’t have any inhibitions. I know him too and I think you should hold that thought for just a moment,” he insisted and Niall nodded weakly.

“Sure. I can have a nervous breakdown now or five minutes from now, it can wait,” he said and Roman laughed as he tapped at the screen then held up a finger as he put it to his ear.

“Or, you could not and see what he has to say first,” he offered then brightened. “Reginald! How are you?” He grinned at Ran playfully but Niall was ready to grovel for forgiveness. He thought of looking for the boy but he was too scared to face what he’d done. But now, Niall saw a chance to lighten a little of the guilt he felt, if something good could come out of his confession. “Excellent! I’m with friends, do you mind if I use the speaker?” Roman waited a moment then touched the screen. “We’re trying to solve a bit of a mystery about a picture and we think it might be you,” he explained.

“I see three computers in Carlton House. That one in the room with you, does it have a camera?” A voice asked briskly and Niall heard keys tapping in the background.

“That’s my laptop…” Quinn said slowly as he stared at Roman in confusion. “It has a camera.”

“Another American! Is that him?” Reginald asked excitedly. Roman hummed and he winked at Quinn as he went to the sofa and picked up the laptop. “Put it someplace high-ish,” Reginald requested and Roman set the laptop on the mantle and opened it. A moment later it lit up and a window filled the screen. A young man with icy blue hair and matching blue eyes smiled back at them. “Is that him? Very nice,” he said as he pointed at Quinn and Niall leaned closer to the monitor and searched Reginald’s face for anything familiar. He was sleek and alluring but Niall would swear he’d never seen him before. “Hello, again,” Reginald purred and Niall jumped.

“You remember me?” He asked then squeezed his eyes shut. “Of course, you do. I’m so sorry and I wish there was some way I could go back. I hate myself for what I did,” he said quickly and Reginald’s nose scrunched.

“It was one of my more disappointing encounters but I’ve recovered,” he murmured blandly and a snorting laugh rattled in Roman’s throat. Ran ducked around Niall and waved.

“Marston,” he said and Reginald gasped.

“Ranulf? How are you, you wild bastard?” He asked and Ran smiled.

“Much better now. This is Niall and he was under the impression that something very dark happened between the two of you,” he said and Reginald fell back in his seat and cackled.

“I hate to disappoint you but absolutely nothing happened,” he stated and Niall couldn’t feel his body.

“What.”

“You were adorable and begged me to take your virginity. I was very willing to oblige but I pushed you on the bed to take your pants off and all anyone was getting out of you were teeth rattling snores,” Reginald said and Niall’s stomach dropped to his feet and his skin prickled. Ran pulled him close and kissed his hair.

“It’s alright. I’m here,” he whispered. “He’s also under the impression you were sixteen at the time,” Ran added and Reginald’s lips pursed as he shook his head.

“Closer to twenty-three, by my math,” he stated and Ran held him tighter as Niall began to tremble. He was truly about to vomit. Or explode.

“I told you it was going to be fine,” Ran said. Niall pushed him away as incredible pressure swelled in his chest and his head pounded.

“No! It really isn’t fine!” He roared. It burned Niall’s throat and his lungs tightened as he fisted his hands in his hair. The pain, the pain, the pain… It surged within him and poured out of his chest and mouth as he backed away from the laptop. “I wanted to die every day and she knew! She reminded me every day that I was a child molester. A child molester!” He wailed as his fingers dug into his chest. He wanted to rip the pain and rage out as his eyes drilled into Ran’s. “She knew you were the only thing I wanted. They rubbed all the men in my face and laughed at me. A day didn’t go by that they didn’t remind me that you’d hate me and think I was a monster if you found out. Isla knew how much I loved you and she never let me forget that you’d never talk to me again or let me anywhere near you. Every day was hell and all I had to do was ask for the pictures! All I had to do was tell you!” He screamed.

“Ran, I think it’s time Lord Brewarden got some rest. We can talk again in the morning, after the two of you have had some time to absorb everything that’s happened. You’ve both had a very eventful night and it’s obvious he’s suffered terribly,” Roman said quietly but Niall shook his head.

“No. I can do this,” he said as he pushed his hands away from him and took a cleansing breath.

“I need a break,” Ran stated as he took Niall’s hand then swung his head toward the door. He looked hurt and haunted and so damn tired. “I need to be alone with you and have some time to get my head around all this,” he admitted.

“I could use some time to sift through their messages, they’re very chatty,” Reginald said and Roman nodded with him.

“I’d like to see what I can learn and have Darius check around as well,” he added and Ran gave Niall’s hand a tug.

“It looks like you’re overruled. Let’s call it a night,” he said and Niall threw up his other hand in defeat.

“Fine. Let’s call it a night,” he muttered then his heart raced as he realized what that meant.