CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Cassandra
RYAN AND I decided that we didn’t want a big elaborate wedding. I had a child that was almost eleven and Ryan and I had eloped already. It seemed all backwards. What I really wanted was a nice outdoor ceremony at our house. It was going to be simple and stress-free.
I didn’t want to let it show how relieved I was that Ryan asked me to marry him. Although we were already married, sometimes I felt like I was still a passenger in his life, not because he made me feel that way, but because maybe it didn’t really belong to me. While I had become comfortable around his house, occasionally I still felt it was that, his house. Now that I knew for certain that he wanted me here permanently and he wouldn’t be changing his mind, I found myself more comfortable not just around him, but also in our house.
I wanted a fall wedding, so we planned it for September, which left plenty of time to plan and find the perfect dress to wear. I didn’t want anything too fancy, but I still wanted something breathtaking. Alex was needing to get out of the house one weekend and agreed to take me dress shopping. We headed to a little boutique outside of Pittsburgh.
“Do you know what kind of dress you want?”
“I’m not sure what will look good on me. I know that I want something simple because it’s an outdoor wedding, but other than that, I guess I’ll need to try some on.”
“I think you would look great in a mermaid style dress.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You have the perfect curves for it. It’s exactly what I would have wanted.”
“But you didn’t go with that?”
“No, we had a beach wedding and I didn’t really have the figure for it.”
I had known Alex for a little over a year now and this was the first time I had really spoken with her about her wedding or anything to do with Cole. Usually our conversations revolved around other people or superficial things.
“How long have you two been married now?”
“Two years. We met a little over a year before that, but then..”
She didn’t have to say any more. I knew the story from Ryan and it wasn’t a pretty one. I was sure she didn’t want to talk about it.
“So, have you guys thought about starting a family?”
“Um..yeah, but it’s not really working.”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven’t been able to get pregnant. I think it’s me. The doctors don’t know why I can’t get pregnant. They tell us to just keep trying but not to stress over it.”
“Have you thought about trying IVF?”
“We’ve talked about it a little, but I don’t know if we want kids that much. I mean, I want them, but I know it’s a lot of pressure to do IVF and it could put a lot of strain on us. We’ve already been through so much. I just want to live in peace for a while.”
“What does Cole think about that?”
“I think Cole wants to give me a child any way that he can. It must be a guy thing, that he’s supposed to make this happen for me, but I don’t blame him. I don’t think it’s him that’s the problem.”
“Alex, you can’t look at it that one of you is the problem. Maybe you just weren’t meant to conceive naturally. There’s nothing wrong with alternative ways of getting pregnant.”
She blew out a breath and stared out the window. “I know, but after everything, I just don’t think I’m up to it. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I still don’t have a job. I’m basically a housewife.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“In today’s society? Tell me what’s not wrong with that. I’m supposed to be out finding a job and helping to support the household.”
“Who cares? It used to be that women stayed home and took care of the house and the man earned the money. What’s wrong with that, as long as Cole’s okay with it.”
“Cole would wrap me in bubble wrap for the rest of my life if he could. He’s so freaked out whenever I leave the house if I’m not with him. He doesn’t want me to work because he wants me at home where he knows I’m safe, but honestly, I’m glad about that. I don’t know if I could handle a job. Maybe some day, but right now, I get panicked if I’m out in public for too long. I feel like people are watching me and I get freaked out.”
“So, was this a bad idea for you to come with me?”
“No. I think it’s good that I push myself. If I don’t, I won’t get better.”
“Well, you’ll have to tell me if you start panicking. We can leave if you start to feel overwhelmed.”
“I appreciate that, but I really do want to try to be okay today.”
We arrived at the shop a few minutes later and immediately started going through dresses. The shop ladies were excellent at helping me pick out a style that worked for me and it only took two hours to find the right dress. The dress was a mermaid style, just like Alex suggested. It had a sweetheart neckline with two inch straps that wrapped over my shoulder and then connected with the fabric under my armpits. It left the back completely open, forming a v at the small of my back.
It was perfect for an outdoor wedding, though it might be cool for fall, but it was exactly what I had been looking for. I was changing out of my dress when I heard a man and woman arguing in the front of the shop.
“Alex, what’s going on out there.”
“I don’t know. There’s a couple arguing up front,” she said shakily.
“Is everything okay?” I asked warily. She didn’t sound like she was okay. I quickly threw my clothes on and when she didn’t answer, I rushed out before I could put on my socks and shoes.
“Alex?”
She was standing at the front of the dressing area shaking. The man was yelling at the woman and started picking up displays and throwing them. The manager was threatening to call 9-1-1, but the man continued his tirade.
“Alex, let’s go in the back.” I tried to pull her with me, but she seemed to be in some kind of trance. “Alex.” Her shaking intensified and her breathing grew ragged. I didn’t want to disrupt Cole, but I had no idea what to do for her. I pulled out my phone, only then realizing that I didn’t have Cole’s number. I couldn’t find Alex’s phone, so I called Ryan.
“How’s dress shopping going?”
“Ryan, I need you to get ahold of Cole. There’s a couple having an argument and Alex is freaking out. I don’t know what to do for her. I think she’s having a panic attack.”
“I’ll have him call you right back.”
I waited for a few minutes for the phone to ring, all the while watching Alex as her panic grew. When the phone rang, I almost dropped it twice before finally answering.
“Hello?”
“It’s Cole. What’s going on?”
“There’s a couple arguing and Alex is just standing here in some kind of trance. She’s breathing heavily and I can’t get her to move. I don’t know what to do.”
“Get her in a dressing room. You’re going to have to force her back there. Then get her to stick her head between her legs to help calm her breathing. I’ll be there as fast as I can.”
“Cole, I don’t think she’d want you to come all the way out here. She said she needed to do this.”
“I don’t give a fuck what she thinks is best. She needs me and I’m coming for her. Don’t leave the shop!”
He hung up on me and I quickly sprang to action, following his directions as best I could. She was a little difficult to move and more than that, the couple up front were getting louder and only adding to the stress of the situation. When I heard the sirens, I was relieved that they would finally handle the couple, but wondered if it would freak Alex out any more.
When I got her in a dressing room, I shoved her head down between her legs and rubbed her back. Her breathing seemed to come under control a little at a time, but she was still pretty out of it.
“Police. I need you to step out of the dressing room.”
I got up and walked over to the curtain, pulling it aside slightly to step out.
“Her too.”
“She’s having a panic attack. She needs to stay back there until her husband gets here.”
“I’m going to go check on her. I need you to stay here until I’m sure that she’s okay.”
I nodded and watched as the officer poked his head in the curtained off area. Alex was now huddled on the ground with her arms wrapped around her legs. Her shaking had intensified, but she appeared to have her breathing under control.
“What’s the deal with her? Is there anything I need to know about?” the officer asked.
“Something happened to her and now when she’s in public, she sometimes gets panic attacks. The argument between the couple was what set it off. I already called her husband and he’s on his way.”
“Okay. What can you tell me about what happened out there?”
“Nothing, really. I was getting dressed when I heard them start arguing. I have no idea what the fight was about, but when I came out, he was throwing displays on the floor and causing a mess. Then my friend was panicking and I had to deal with that. I’m sorry, but that’s all I know.”
“Alright. We’re working on getting this taken care of. What’s the husband’s name so I can let him through?”
“Cole Reynolds.”
“Alright. Just stay back here until someone tells you you’re allowed to leave.”
“Thank you, Officer.”
I went back and sat with Alex for another half hour before I heard Cole calling her name. I saw the moment that she snapped out of her haze. It was like Cole was her secret balm that made everything okay. I watched as he knelt down next to her and held her as she cried. I felt terrible for having put her in this situation. Had I known that she was prone to panic attacks, I would have taken her someplace closer to home.
“Cassie, are you alright?”
I turned around, shocked to see Ryan standing there. “What are you doing here?”
“I came with Cole. When you told me that Alex was freaking out, I wanted to be sure that you were okay. She usually only panics when something bad happens.”
“That was sweet of you, but I’m fine. You didn’t need to drive all the way out here.”
Cole walked out of the dressing room, carrying Alex like she was made of glass. “We’ll see you later. I’m going to take her home. Thank you for calling me, Cassandra.”
I nodded and watched him walk out the door. “He really loves her, doesn’t he?”
“Cole is crazy about Alex. I think if anything ever happened to her, he’d lose it.”
“Wouldn’t anyone?”
“Not like him. He’s almost lost her twice now. It’s weird because he has his own issues, but she seems to calm the monsters in his head. If she wasn’t there, I think he would slip back into the shell he was before she came around.”
That was a terrible thought. I couldn’t imagine being so engrossed in someone that you would cease to exist without that person. I loved Ryan very much, but if something happened to him, I would still have my son and my parents. I couldn’t afford to think about what I would do without him.
After I put down my deposit on the dress, Ryan and I went back to my car and he drove us back home. I couldn’t help but think about Cole and Alex and how little I knew about them. That was the way it was with all our friends. I didn’t really know a lot about any of them, despite being friends for over a year now.
“Is that what happened to Drew? Did he lose himself in grief when his first wife died?”
“He doesn’t really talk about it, but I think that’s what happened. He’s definitely changed since Sarah’s come into his life. And Cara.”
“I think I want to keep our wedding small. Just our family and close friends. I don’t ever want to witness Alex freaking out like that again.”
“Cassie, you shouldn’t make our wedding smaller just because Alex might freak out. We’re already having it at the house, so she could just go inside if something happened.”
“I know, but I want her to feel comfortable. I’m sure Cara is the same way around people.”
“Cara’s worse. I’m sure you’ve noticed that she doesn’t ever come out to join us at The Pub.”
“Then let’s keep it small. I want our friends to feel comfortable.”
✯✯✯✯✯
At the end of February, we had our three month check in with the court. While it didn’t seem like James liked going to his dad’s, it wasn’t up to him if he went for visits. We met with the lawyer again to prepare for the hearing and it was not very encouraging.
“I don’t understand. James doesn’t even like being there. He can’t wait to get away at the end of his visit.” I was baffled. I just couldn’t wrap my head around what Garret was saying.
“Basically, if the social worker doesn’t say that James is in any danger and it’s a good environment, there’s every possibility that Michael could get more than visitation. It’ll start out small, but I’m sure he’ll eventually try for more. I wish that I could tell you something different, but as his biological father, the court won’t keep James from him unless he proves to be a threat to him in some way.”
Ryan squeezed my hand as he felt me stiffening. I knew I was on the verge of freaking out and only he could keep me from losing it.
“Is there anything we can do?”
“No. The most we can do is argue our case.”
It seemed completely hopeless. I didn’t know what I would do if my son had to go stay with his father overnight. I had never been away from him other than when he stayed at my parents’ house. We left the meeting feeling worse than when Michael got visitation. This was real and there was no waking me from this nightmare.
When the day of the hearing came, I was a complete wreck. Ryan had to help me with everything from showering to eating to dressing. My hands weren’t working properly with all the anxiety running through me.
We had talked to James about the possibility of his father getting more time with him, but as before, he took it like a little man and said that it would all be alright. Ryan was doing a great job of being a male role model for James. I could see it every day with James in the way he handled every day situations. He had always been a good kid, but he seemed mature beyond his years since Ryan came into the picture.
When the judge entered the courtroom, the opening was a blur. The social worker gave her assessment, which was basically that James was in a protected environment and while James and Michael didn’t have a great connection, there was no danger for him being there.
“Your honor, we would like to request at this time that James remain on his current supervised visit rotation until Mr. Scott can get to know James better. My clients are not comfortable at this time leaving their son with a near stranger.”
“Mr. Ryder, it seems to me that the best way for James to get to know his father is to spend more time with him. I’m granting partial custody to Mr. Scott. He will receive custody every other weekend and one night a week for the next three months. If at that time he proves that he has established a relationship with his son, he may petition the court for joint custody. Mr. Scott will begin his first weekend on Friday the 5th. James will be dropped off by five in the evening and picked up no earlier than three in the afternoon on the following Sunday. The week day that you arrange will begin as soon as school is out and he will be picked up no earlier than seven in the evening.”
Michael’s lawyer stood and interrupted the judge. “Your honor, it would be better for my client if he could pick up James from his mother’s house after five-”
“If it would be better for your client, he can go back to supervised visitation,” the judge growled.
“No, your Honor. He’ll make it work.”
“Good. See that he does.”
“Wait!” I stood up, surprising the judge and Garret. Garret tried to tell me to be quiet, but I just couldn’t sit there. “I don’t understand. How can you give him custody?”
“Mrs. Jackson, please take a seat-”
“No. You know nothing about my family besides what it says on a piece of paper. Michael hasn’t been a part of James’s life for ten years and suddenly he wants to be a part of it.”
The judge banged the gavel. “Mrs. Jackson, take a seat before I have you thrown out of this court.”
“No. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, your Honor, but this is bullshit! He abandoned me and my son because it suited him and now he gets to walk back into my life and take my child from me.”
“Mrs. Jackson, he’s not taking your son. He gets limited time with your son to establish a connection with his son. It’s his right as the biological father.”
“His right? Tell me where my rights were when I was the one that struggled to take care of my son alone? He didn’t pay a cent to help out, but now he gets to completely change James’s life because his wife wants a child! He doesn’t even pay attention to his son!”
I knew I sounded like a raving lunatic. Garret was at my side trying to get me to shut up and Ryan was squeezing my hand in support. The judge was banging his gavel, but I couldn’t hear anything but the sounds of my son being ripped away from me.
“The court has made its decision. Now one more outburst from you and I’ll hold you in contempt of court.”
I didn’t care if they threw me in jail. This judge was insane if he thought I was handing over my son.
“Cassie girl, calm down. I don’t want to have to bail you out of jail,” Ryan whispered in my ear. His voice finally broke through to me and I sat down. I wasn’t sure what else was said as I sat there completely numb.
I flinched when the gavel struck the wood, not able to comprehend what had just happened. My son would now be spending every other weekend away from me as well as one night a week. I looked over at Ryan who looked equally shell shocked.
“I’m sorry, Cassandra. I knew it would be a long shot if the social worker found no problems. I expected him to extend the current arrangement, but this judge tends to side with the father.”
I nodded, not sure what to say. I stood when Ryan pulled at my hand.
“He’s going to stay a whole weekend with a virtual stranger in just a few days. Why did the judge rush it?” Ryan asked.
“I suppose he didn’t see any point in putting it off. I’ll do some more research on cases like yours, but for now, just follow the courts decision. You don’t want to do anything to make the judge mad. It’ll only hurt you in the end.”
“Okay.”
“Cassandra, I know this is hard, but the more you argue with the judge, the more he’s going to want to side against you. You can’t lash out in court like that. We’ll keep fighting and find some way to get full custody back. I promise, I won’t stop fighting for you.”
I nodded at Garret’s words and let Ryan lead me out of the courthouse and to his truck. I felt totally deflated and a little out of it. All I could think about was how my son was going to have a very different life than what he was used to. Some stranger was deciding my son’s future without taking into consideration my feelings on the matter.
“How do we tell James that he has to go stay with that man?”
“We’ll do it together. Listen, Michael isn’t dangerous to James. He’s distant and not a very good father, but you know Alisha wants him. She’ll take care of him, so hold onto that until we can get this sorted. He’ll be safe there.”
It was such a ludicrous thing to hold onto the knowledge that he would be safe. He shouldn’t be there in the first place. I should have asked him to give up his parental rights long ago, but I never imagined that anything like this would happen. Now I would be paying for that decision and I didn’t see a way out of it.