CHAPTER TWENTY
Ryan
DESPITE WHAT SEAN thought about me seeing Cassandra’s body, I just couldn’t move forward with planning her funeral until I saw her with my own eyes. I talked with Cal and Jane about staying with James, explaining that this was something I needed to do, but I didn’t want James to see his mom this way. They agreed to stay with him, neither wanting to see their daughter on a cold slab.
Sean met me at the morgue since she hadn’t been moved yet. We walked in together and Sean had us taken down to see her. I was in a daze the whole time. Everything around me was a blur, but my heart was hammering at the same time. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, breathing in and out, anything to keep myself from breaking down.
When we reached the doors I paused, unsure if I could actually do this. Could I really see her body broken and feel her skin so cold?
“Ryan.” I could hear Sean talking to me, but it wasn’t registering. I just stood there staring at the doors and praying that God would wake me up from my new reality.
“Ryan, are you sure you want to do this?”
I looked at Sean and blinked slowly, trying to clear my vision. My throat was so dry that I couldn’t answer, so I just nodded. I needed to do this or I would always question if she had actually died. As sick as it sounded, I needed to see her cold body and feel that there was no heartbeat to keep her alive.
I took a deep breath and pushed the doors to the morgue open. There was a man waiting in the room, standing next to a door that was open with a body on it covered with a large sheet. I swallowed thickly as I stepped closer and closer to her body. My heart pounded harder in my chest with every step. I could feel my chest tightening, as if I was being crushed.
I licked my lips to try to bring back some moisture to my dry mouth. My breaths were coming in short spurts now as I looked up at the man holding the top of the sheet. I nodded and saw him look down. I couldn’t look yet, but I saw him pull back the fabric. I just stared at him, my eyes begging him to show me someone other than who was laying there.
When I finally looked down, all the air left my body in a whoosh. There on the table was my wife, but she didn’t look like herself anymore. Her face was heavily bruised and she had gashes on her head that had been cleaned. Her beautiful hair was matted from the blood that gushed when she was killed.
I pulled back the sheet, needing to see all of her, to know how badly she had suffered. There were bruises covering her body and her chest looked almost concave. I slid my hand down her cold arm until I touched her fingertips. Lacing my fingers with hers, I squeezed her hand, desperately hoping that I would feel her squeeze back. When she didn’t, I brushed my other hand along her neck and felt for a pulse. Still, nothing came, so I put my hand over her heart and prayed that this time I would have a different outcome.
When there was no thumping of her chest, it finally became real to me. My wife was lying here, but she was no longer with me. I would never hold her in my arms again or feel her run her fingers through my hair. I would never see her beautiful smile or wake up with her pressed against me. I squeezed her hand harder as I laid my head down on her chest. Tears pooled on her her roughened skin, her skin that used to be baby soft.
When I finally lifted my head up, I looked at her face one last time, trying to imagine her smiling at me and telling me everything would be alright, but all I saw was the cold, unmoving face that used to belong to Cassandra. She was no longer here and I had to hope she was in a better place now.
“Did she suffer?” I asked the coroner.
“No.”
I looked up at him with tears still running down my face. “Please, don’t tell me what you think will be easiest. I need to know.”
He hesitated, but then looked back down at Cassie. “She was hit on the driver’s side, so the impact would have most likely knocked her out instantly. Without an autopsy, we don’t know the extent of the damage, but I would assume she had significant internal injuries. If you would like to know exactly what killed her, we can perform an autopsy.”
“What’s your best guess?”
“If I had to guess, I would say that her head injury probably would have left her brain dead and any internal injuries would have killed her.”
I nodded and sniffled, trying to get my emotions under control. “No autopsy.” I whispered. She’d been through enough. She didn’t need to be cut up just to put me at ease.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her cold ones as tears leaked down onto her face. My hand came up to cup her jaw and I brushed my thumb along her lip one last time.
“Goodbye, Cassie girl. I’ll love you forever.”
I stood up and took one last look at her before walking away. If possible, it was even harder to walk away than it was to go see her. Every step tore my heart out as I walked away from the person I had grown to love so much over the past year.
When I stepped outside the morgue, I took my first real breath and broke. The cry that tore from my chest was unnatural to my own ears. I turned to the wall and punched it repeatedly until arms wrapped around me and held me tight.
I could feel Sean holding me tightly from behind and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to comfort me or trying to keep me from tearing a hole in the wall. He let me go as I slid to the floor and leaned back against the wall. I took deep breaths until finally I stopped crying and breathing became somewhat normal.
I stared at the opposite wall for a long while as the last of my tears slowly fell from my eyes and rolled down my face. I didn’t feel anything as I stared at the wall across from me. It was as if the world didn’t exist where I was.
I wondered what it was like for her in the accident. Did she see the truck coming? Did she feel the impact, or did it happen so fast that she didn’t have time to process what was happening? Was she ever in pain? Was she awake for any of it? That was the one that I wondered about the most. I hoped and prayed that she was knocked unconscious immediately. That she didn’t sit there for minutes alone as the life leached from her body. I prayed that she didn’t have any last thoughts of who she was leaving behind. I wanted her to be blissfully unaware of what had happened.
I wondered if it would have been better if I could have said goodbye to her if she was on life support. Maybe if she had been hooked up to machines, I could have at least said goodbye to what was left of her. Maybe her soul would have still been with her or she could have still heard me on some level. I could have touched her one last time while she still had some resemblance of the woman I loved.
Then I thought of what that would have done to James. It would have torn him apart to see her like that and would probably have given him nightmares. This was probably for the best. If he had to live in a world where his mother no longer existed, at least he could remember her as she was and not what I just witnessed.
I don’t know how long I sat in that hallway. After a while, I was just staring at a white wall. I wasn’t aware of anything going on around me. I didn’t hear anyone or see anyone. It was all just blank. Exactly how I felt.
“Ryan.” I felt a few slaps against my cheek, bringing me out of my catatonic state. My eyes drifted to my left where Drew was sitting with a worried expression. “Ryan, let’s go home. James needs you.”
“Is he okay?” That snapped me out of my haze. I got to my feet, having to stretch and move slowly. My legs were stiff and I briefly wondered how long I’d been sitting there.
“James is fine, but you can’t just check out. He needs you.”
“How long have I been sitting here?”
“Four hours.” I turned to see Sean standing next to me also looking very worried. “I tried to talk to you, but you were just out of it. You didn’t hear me or see me.”
“Sorry, I-”
“Don’t worry about it. I just didn’t think you should sit there too much longer.”
“Come on. Let’s get back to your place before James starts wondering where you are.”
I nodded and followed them out of the hospital. As we were walking out, I noticed that Sean was carrying a small box.
“What’s that?”
He looked down at the box and then back at me. “It’s her personal effects. The coroner gave it to me when we were sitting outside.”
It was like a MAC truck had just hit me all over again. I reached out slowly and took the box from him. I peeked inside and saw there wasn’t much there. I’d go through it later. Right now, I just needed to make it home without breaking again.
When I walked in the front door, the first thing I noticed was how quiet it was. Thoughts of Cassandra’s laugh rang through my mind, but I quickly pushed them away, not wanting to think about how depressing it would be around here now. I went into the bedroom and set down the box on our bed, not wanting to go through it with others around.
James and Cal were in the living room and Jane was in the kitchen. I headed for her, hoping that she could distract me. She was rolling out dough on the counter, so I took a seat at the island to watch.
“How did it go at the morgue?” She didn’t look at me. She just kept rolling out the dough.
“Rough. I’m glad James wasn’t there. It would have been too hard on him.”
“And it wasn’t for you?”
“I didn’t say that, but I needed to see her with my own eyes. Otherwise, I would have driven myself crazy wondering if it was actually her.”
She finally looked at me with a hand on her hip. “You know they would have verified her identity first.”
“I know, but..in my mind, I would have always wondered if they had gotten it wrong. Like, maybe she was somewhere else trying to get back to us and I hadn’t even made sure she was dead.”
“You know that sounds crazy, don’t you?”
I laughed a little. “Maybe, but I just had to do it. I’ve seen her with my own eyes and now my mind can’t tell me this isn’t real.”
She went back to rolling out dough and I watched her for a few more minutes.
“What are you making?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I made the dough and I just keep rolling it out and then I make a ball and start all over. Every time I go to make something, I think about making cookies with Cassie when she was a little girl, and I just can’t bring myself to actually make them.”
A few tears slipped from her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away and made the dough into a ball again.
“Maybe you should make them with James. You can tell him all about Cassie when she was little.”
“Maybe someday, but not today. Today, I just want to keep doing this.”
I was jealous of her. She had something to do. I had no clue what to do now.
“What do I do?” She stopped and raised an eyebrow at me. “We’re in this limbo. The funeral hasn’t happened yet and I don’t think James and I are ready to just get back to life, but we’re just sitting here. What do we do?”
“I wish I could tell you. Do something that the two of you like to do together. Something that will take your mind off all this shit.”
I walked over to her and gave her a hug, then went to the living room to see James. He was sitting there staring out the window, looking lost and bored.
“Hey, bud. Do you want to do something?”
“Like what?”
“We could start a new book series.”
He shrugged.
“Or we could watch some movies. We could make some popcorn and drink soda all afternoon. Just have a movie marathon.”
“Yeah. Let’s do that.”
Of course, the movies he chose were the Harry Potter movies. We spent all day watching them and well into the night until both of us were exhausted. Cal and Jane had gone downstairs sometime after dinner and left James and I to ourselves. When it came time for bed, I looked in the bedroom at the box, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at it yet. Instead, I walked upstairs and followed James into his bedroom where we both passed out on his bed.
✯✯✯✯✯
My parents flew in from Florida the day before the funeral and they looked about as bad as I did. Dad couldn’t figure out how to help me and Mom just kept crying, which didn’t help at all. They had both loved Cassandra when they met her and were shocked when I finally called them. I actually hadn’t thought of calling them because I was so caught up in my own thoughts.
I’d slept in James’s room the past few nights. It wasn’t like that first night, but it was comforting for both of us to be in the same room. Cassie’s mom took over arranging the funeral and the gathering after at the house. James and I told her what we wanted and she took care of everything.
James and I stayed home and worked on different projects with his grandpa. There was plenty to get lost in and it was the only way I could get through the day. James had become quiet also, and I wasn’t sure if he was taking a cue from me or if he just didn’t want to talk. James had decided that he didn’t want to speak at the funeral and I couldn’t blame him. There would be a lot of people there.
I walked into my bedroom after mostly avoiding it and went to the closet to pick out a suit to wear. Her clothes were hanging across from mine. It was as if she would be home to wear them at any moment. I ran my hands over the blouses and dresses, thinking of each outfit she’d ever worn that I could remember. When I came across the blouse she’d worn the first time I’d met her, I pulled it from the hanger and fingered the button that had come undone. It was so long ago, but I could still see her standing in her office looking absolutely stunning with no idea her blouse was gaping and showing me her breasts.
I slid down the wall and held the blouse to me, trying to remember what she smelled like that first time. Damn, she was beautiful.
“Ryan?”
I quickly wiped the tears from my face as Cassie’s mom entered the closet. She sat down next to me and grabbed my hand. My breathing faltered as I did my best to pull myself together.
“You know, not long after you married Cassie, she told me she loved you and she wished she hadn’t waited so long to be with you. She thought she had missed out on time with you. I told her that she couldn’t look at it that way. You were meant to get together when you did. That was your time. I know it doesn’t seem like it now and it doesn’t make sense, but it was her time. God took her because it was her time.”
“How was it her time?” I asked through my tears. “She has a son and husband that love her.”
“I know, Ryan. It doesn’t make sense and I’m not trying to preach to you, but I truly believe that God had some other purpose for her, and we may never know what that is. Just remember that Cassie wouldn’t want you to be sad forever. She would want you and James to move on and live full lives. It won’t happen overnight, but Cal and I will be here for you whenever you need us. If you need a break and need us to take James, we will. If you need us to come just so you can feel close to her again, we will. You won’t go through this alone.”
She stood and held her hand out to me. “Now, unless you plan on wearing that blouse, I suggest we find you a suit to wear.”
I took her hand and stood, rehanging the blouse. “That was what she was wearing the first time I met her. I’ll never forget that day. I knew she was going to change my life.”
“And you changed hers. Just remember all that you two had. You brought her so much happiness, even if it was only for a little while.” She pulled a suit off the rack and handed it to me. “Why don’t you get dressed. We have to leave soon. I’ll check on James.”
✯✯✯✯✯
We pulled up to the cemetery behind the hearse and stepped out of the limo into the sunlight. It was a perfect day aside from the fact that Cassandra was gone. She would have loved the weather. I looked over to the back of the hearse where all my friends were standing. Every single one of them wanted to help carry the casket.
This suddenly all felt too real. We were going to bury her, put her in the ground. It felt so wrong. She would be alone with no one around her. How could I do that to her? I reached out and grabbed James’s hand, squeezing for dear life. He looked just like me, tears streaming down his face and sadness in his eyes.
I squatted down next to him and looked him in the eyes. “Whatever you do, don’t let go of my hand today.”
He nodded and we walked over to the casket. The guys pulled it from the hearse and hoisted it up on their shoulders. I took my place, not really doing much of the lifting, but needing to touch her resting place. James clung firmly to my hand the whole walk and then took his place beside me at her grave.
We listened as the minister talked about her and the way she lived her life. I got lost in my thoughts of her and only knew it was my turn to speak when her mother gripped my other hand. I stepped forward and James followed, not ever letting go of my hand.
I cleared my throat and looked out at the crowd of faces. My friends and their wives were all up front. The men stood stoically and the women were all wiping their eyes. Cassie’s parents stood next to my own, just staring at the huge hole in the ground. Now that I was up here, I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to say. I had prepared something to say, but it escaped me in that moment. All I could think about was that I shouldn’t be there. I shouldn’t be holding the hand of an eleven year old and burying his mother. We should be on our family vacation right now. We should be starting our lives for the first time as a real family.
The little hand squeezing mine reminded me that I had to breathe and move forward. I looked down at James and squeezed his hand back.
“Cassandra was the most wonderful person I ever knew. While she was only in my life for a short time, she made my life whole and gave it meaning. She gave me the best gift when she married me, a wife and a son.” I looked down at James, but he was staring at the ground. “She was taken from us too early, but someone wise told me that she was taken because God had other plans for her. I have to believe that my Cassie isn’t with us because God needed her for something really special.”
The tears started up again, just like they did every time I thought about the fact that she was gone. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and that’s when I smelled it. Her perfume was in the air. I opened my eyes thinking I would see her, but she wasn’t there. James must have smelled it too because he squeezed my hand and was looking at me curiously.
“I know she’s with us and watching over us. She may not be here anymore, but we’ll always have her in our hearts. We’ll see you again someday, Cassie girl.”
James and I walked back to stand by his grandparents and I stood there wondering if I had said the right thing or enough. Had I said everything I needed to? The truth was, I didn’t get to say any of it to her and she was the only one that I cared to hear it. I should have told her every fucking day how special she was and while I think she knew, I would always wonder if she really knew how much she meant to me.
The service ended with people laying flowers on her grave and all I could think about was that I didn’t understand why people did that. The flowers would be covered with dirt in a matter of minutes, and she didn’t care because she wasn’t really there. Then they started lowering her casket into the ground and I lost it.
“No. Stop!” I ran over to the men working the controls and tore it from his hand. “No. I don’t want this. She doesn’t belong down there,” I yelled as tears streamed down my face.
“Ryan, stop. You have to let her go,” Cal pleaded.
“Is that what you want for her? You want her alone in the fucking ground?”
The tears glistening in his eyes didn’t stop me. I couldn’t help myself. I could see myself acting irrational, but I just couldn’t help myself. I saw Jane ushering James away and somehow that made it all worse.
“Ryan, she’s gone. You know that’s not her down there.”
“That’s my fucking wife,” I yelled. “And you’re asking me to leave her in the ground surrounded by a bunch of other forgotten people. I won’t let that happen. She deserves to be in the sunshine. She should be warm. It’s too fucking cold in the ground.”
I looked back at the casket that was now lowered all the way into the grave and fell to my knees. This couldn’t be it. I couldn’t say goodbye to her for the last time. Once that dirt was over her, it was truly over.
“Ryan, I get it.” Drew sat next to me on the ground as though it was the most natural thing to sit by someone’s grave. “I get that you feel like she’s gone when she’s in the grave, but you have to remember that that’s not her anymore. Her body was just a carrier for her spirit and that lives in you and in James. Coming here to see her isn’t going to make you feel closer to her. She’s in here.” He pressed his fist over my chest and thumped it. “She’s in James, and that little man needs you right now. You can’t keep breaking down because he needs someone to be strong for him.”
“How did you do it? How did you move on?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t. Not for a long time. I was just an empty shell walking around and pretending to live life. I spent every night waiting to feel Iris with me again. In some ways, it was the best gift ever, but I wasn’t living. I was waiting on a ghost. So when you feel like breaking down, you look for things that can make you happy, and you’re pretty lucky because you have the best reminder of Cassie right over there.”
I looked over at James who was standing by the car looking completely lost. Drew was right. I was going out of my mind and James needed me. I needed to be the father I had promised Cassie I always would be. I stood up and looked at the grave one last time. There would be no more tears, or at least, no more major breakdowns. I would do everything to make sure that Cassie’s son knew every day how much he was loved and we would talk about her to keep her alive in our hearts. I turned and walked away knowing that Drew was right. I wouldn’t find comfort in visiting her here. I didn’t have to look any further than in my heart because that’s where she would always be.