CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Epilogue
“IT’S A YEAR today, Cassie. One year since you were taken from us.” I blew out a breath as I looked at the headstone.
Cassandra Jackson
Sleep on, sweet mother and wife,
And take thy rest, God called thee home
He thought it best
I said those words over and over in my head whenever I felt despair creeping in. It was the only thing that gave me comfort when I felt lost without her.
“We’re doing okay now. It’s been a rough year without you, but I’m doing everything I can to make sure I raise James the way you would have wanted.”
I laughed a little at what was going to happen after this.
“When we’re done here, we’re going back to the house for a celebration of your life. Your parents will be there and we’re going to toast to your life. James will even be having a drink with us, which I know you’ll be thrilled about. I promise, no hard liquor.”
My throat was straining as I fought the sadness that was creeping in. As usual whenever I thought of Cassandra, my chest tightened painfully, my breathing became ragged, and my vision blurred.
“I decided that I would only bring James out here on the anniversary of your death. I don’t want him to think that this is where he’ll feel close to you. You’re still all around the house. I haven’t touched the book you were reading before you died. It’s still sitting on the table by your favorite chair. I haven’t been able to bring myself to remove your clothes or your makeup. Your favorite bath bombs are still sitting on the side of the tub. I just can’t erase you from my life yet.
“I still sleep with your pillow wrapped in my arms at night just so I feel like I have your body next to mine. The pillowcase doesn’t smell like you anymore, so I started spraying your perfume around the room to make it feel like you were there. Is that creepy?” I chuckled at the fact that not only was I talking to a dead woman and hoping for a response, but that everything I was doing did sound crazy.
“James has been doing pretty good in school. It was rough for him to go back at first, but everyone’s been really understanding. After a few months, he was back to doing his school work the way he should. We still read together at night and he’s getting pretty fast.”
I sighed and kicked at the ground with the toe of my shoe. “It feels wrong to be standing here telling you about things you should be experiencing. You were never supposed to leave me here alone to take care of him. We were supposed to be a family and grow old together.
“I’m really trying, Cassie. I’m trying to be the best father I can. I’m trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move on. I’m trying to not cry every time I think about everything I lost when you died. I just miss you so much and I feel lost without you. I look like I have my shit together, but in reality I’m a fucking mess after James goes to sleep. It’s the only time I allow myself to really feel anything.
“Every time I walk in that house, I see you and it’s like a punch to the gut. I see James crying sometimes and I want to tell him that it’ll get easier, but the truth is, I still feel like it was just yesterday that you died. I rarely let James go to your parents house to stay the night anymore because I’m afraid my grief will get the best of me. He’s the only thing holding me together right now. I don’t know if there will ever be a day that I don’t think of you or that it doesn’t hurt to not be able to touch you.
“But I’ll keep trying, Cassie. I’ll keep moving forward because I know that’s what James needs.” I bent down and twirled her wedding ring that was still on my pinky finger. “I’ll always love you, Cassie girl. Someday we’ll be together again and I’ll hold you in my arms, but until then, I’ll be loving you and praying that you’re at peace.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and pressed a kiss to my fingers, then pressed my fingers to the headstone. As I stood, I looked back to see my son waiting by the car with his grandparents. To my utter shock, so were all my friends. Every single one of them stood there with their wives and kids in support of James and I.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone but Logan since that night at my house. That was over six months ago. I knew that I had fucked up when I kicked them out, but my grief wouldn’t allow me to let anyone in. I shook my head slightly, sure that they were a mirage and would all disappear if I could just clear my eyes.
I looked back at the grave and knew I had to make a decision. I could keep fighting the people that loved me and were trying to help me or I could stay in a life that no longer existed with my Cassie girl.
“Dad!” James called to me and then waved me over.
My life was back there, not in this cemetery. I steeled myself and walked back to the car and away from my wife.
“Until next year, Cassie girl.”