CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Ryan
BY THE TIME the party was over, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. My house had been filled with so many people wanting to tell me stories about Cassandra and how much they meant to her. I had a feeling that this had been harder on Cole than he let on. He had been working with Cassandra over at VAS and they had become close while they worked with other veterans. Now that she was gone, I wondered who would take over the project.
The women all did an excellent job of making sure that there was enough food and drinks for the guests. Cassie’s parents and I weren’t up to doing it, so I was relieved when Harper said they would handle it. They also took care of the clean up, which I would have left until morning. I didn’t feel the need to have everything clean right now. I just wanted to go lie down and forget about it all.
Cal and Jane went downstairs before the last guests left. They were exhausted from the day and probably from needing to put on a strong front for me. I didn’t break down the rest of the day, though, which I thought was progress. James and I would be going back to our normal lives the day after tomorrow and Cal and Jane would be leaving in the morning. They offered to stay and help, but I could tell that this was wearing on them. They promised to help out whenever I needed and I was grateful, but James and I needed time to adjust.
“Are you ready for bed, bud? I’m exhausted.”
James was slumped on the couch, looking like he could fall asleep any minute. “Yeah.”
“Alright. Let’s hit the hay.”
“Dad?”
It was still amazing to hear him call me Dad even though he had ever since Cassie died.
“Yeah?”
“I think I’m good to sleep on my own tonight.”
“What if I’m not?” I said with a smile.
He laughed and started walking upstairs. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, bud.”
I stood in the living room not sure what to do. I looked around and decided that now was as good a time as any to go back in my bedroom. I walked in hesitantly and saw the box still sitting on my bed. Walking over to it, I took a deep breath and pulled out the few items it contained. Cassie’s wedding ring was inside along with her engagement ring that I had put on her finger not that long ago. She also had the necklace that I had given her that she wore almost every day. Then there were the diamond studs her mother had given her at Christmas. That was all that had been given back to me. Everything else had been destroyed in the accident.
I took the engagement ring, necklace, and studs and put them back in her jewelry box. Some day, James would get them and he could either give them to his wife or pass them on to his kids. I placed her wedding ring on my pinky finger. It was the simple gold band that we’d gotten in Vegas, but I couldn’t bear to put it in her jewelry box.
I thought back to how scared I was when I married her. I don’t know what ever possessed me to marry her at the time, but I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like this past year without her. She had taken my life and turned it upside down.
I showered the day off me and then climbed into bed. The sheets felt cold without her, but I could still smell her scent lingering. I pulled her pillow against me, so it was like I was holding her. I drifted off to memories of her wrapped in my arms, knowing that the memories were as close to her as I would ever get again.
✯✯✯✯✯
I went into work on Monday and avoided everyone’s stares. I didn’t want to hear about how sorry everyone was or their condolences. I needed to get back to work or I would go crazy. It was tough dropping James off this morning, but he insisted that he was ready to go back to school. I had to stop myself before I said that Cassandra would pick him up after school. That’s what I usually told him at drop off unless she had to work late. Now it was up to me.
I started answering emails and I returned a few phone calls. Each person that I talked to told me how sorry they were for my loss and each time I politely thanked them and got back to business.
“Are you sure you should be here?” Logan asked as he entered my office around midday.
“Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know, man. At home with James?”
“The only thing to do at home is sit and think about Cassandra. We both needed to get back into a routine.”
“How’s James handling everything?”
“Better than me.” I sighed scrubbed a hand over my face. I hadn’t shaved since the funeral and it was starting to itch. “He seems to just know how to deal with everything. I don’t get it. I just..” The tears threatened again and I cursed myself for being so weak. “I just can’t seem to get over it.”
“I don’t think you can just get over it. You loved her and you now have to raise James on your own. He’s a reminder of her.”
“I wouldn’t trade him for anything,” I snapped.
“I know that. I’m just saying that it’s not like you can just move on because he’s a piece of her.”
“How did this happen? How is this my life? I know this makes me sound like an asshole, but how is this fair? Every one of you got the woman you loved and you’re happy. You have kids together. I never got that with her. We never had a chance to really start living our lives together. I got one year with Cassie. One fucking year and she was ripped away from me.”
I stood and started pacing around the office. I was angry now. I wanted so bad to punch something, to do something to make me feel like I was taking some revenge for what had been taken from me. Logan stalked toward me and got in my face.
“You’re right. I have it all and I’m not going to feel bad for that. I’m sorry you got a shit deal, but that’s life.”
“That’s life? What the fuck does that even mean? Oops, sorry you lost your wife and your chance at happiness, but fuck you?”
He shrugged and I lost it. I punched him in the mouth and when he turned back to look at me, he smiled. All I could see in that moment was rage. I reared back and punched him over and over again until he was on the floor beneath me and I was beating the shit out of him.
“What the fuck?”
Someone pulled me off him and only then did the anger recede. Logan sat up and wiped the blood from his mouth. He had cuts all over his face where I had hit him and his face would be severely bruised.
“Feel better?” It was then that I realized that he hadn’t fought back or tried to stop me. He had been egging me on so that I could release my anger. I sat back against my desk and hung my head in my hands. This pain had to stop. I couldn’t take feeling like this day in and day out. I couldn’t be so upset that I beat up my friends.
“I’m sorry, Logan.”
“Don’t apologize. You punch like a girl.”
I burst out laughing for the first time in almost a week. Leave it to Logan to bring me out of my funk.
✯✯✯✯✯
Over the next few weeks, James and I fell into a new routine that no longer included Cassie. Since I was used to driving him to school, that part of our routine didn’t change. I had to be sure to be off work in time to get him from school. I didn’t want him in after school programs yet. With his mother just dying, I wanted him to know that he was my number one priority.
We started on a new book series, Percy Jackson, which I didn’t like as much as Harry Potter, but that could have been because it was the first one I had read with him. I cooked dinner every night now and tried to make his favorite meals, but I was finding it hard to be a single parent. There were times that I wanted to just be alone and grieve for my wife, but then I thought about the fact that Cassie did this by herself for ten years and she had a newborn at a young age. That always steeled my resolve and overall, I really didn’t have a whole lot to complain about. James was a good kid and didn’t really cause any problems. He seemed a little more withdrawn, but I took that to be normal and didn’t bug him about it.
At night, I had trouble sleeping and usually didn’t fall asleep until well after midnight. Many nights I dreamed of Cassie. It was usually just hearing her voice or remembering something we did together. Some nights I woke up crying when I dreamed about her being gone. On those nights, I didn’t try to go back to sleep because the pain was too raw. I usually watched some television or just stared out the window until the sun rose.
Just when the one month anniversary of her death was approaching, I received a notice of a court hearing over the custody of James. As I read it, I couldn’t quite understand what was going on. Cassandra and I had received custody of James. Micheal had visitation rights, but nothing else. In fact, once he lost in court, he had only tried to visit with James a handful of times and hadn’t been in contact since Cassandra’s death.
I went to visit my lawyer and had to have him explain to me what was going on. Apparently, now that Cassie was gone, Michael was trying to sue for full custody of James. He felt that being his biological father gave him rights to his son.
The hearing was set for three weeks from now. Three weeks that I had to stew and wait for the day Michael would try to take my son from me. I tried to keep up a brave front, but James could tell that this whole thing was upsetting me. He requested that my lawyer ask that he be allowed to speak with the judge. He wanted to tell the judge where he wanted to live.
As much as James and I were getting along, a part of me worried that James was unhappy and was asking to see the judge so he could tell him that he no longer wanted to live with me. It was an irrational fear since he continued to call me Dad. He gave me hugs and I could just tell when he needed me. Still, I couldn’t help the fears that constantly ran through me.
Garret assured me that we would call his grandparents to the stand again, along with the social worker and that most likely the court would rule in my favor since I was the only parent he really knew. He did warn me, however, that there was the possibility of Michael gaining joint custody. As the days crept closer, the anxiety built so high that I thought I would lose my mind at times. I just couldn’t handle the thought of losing my one last piece of Cassandra. James had become as much my son as if he was biologically mine and I wouldn’t lose him. I would run away with him if I had to.
When we walked into the courthouse on the date of our appearance, James was stoic and determined. I was a mess and Garret had to tell me to snap out of it. James was meeting with the judge first in his chambers. When that was done, he would hear final arguments from us, while James waited outside with his grandmother.
Sitting on that bench outside the courtroom, I couldn’t help but feel that I was letting Cassie down. If she was still here, this would have never happened. Whatever happened, I would make this work. I wouldn’t disappear from his life. I fidgeted with my suit and tie, ran my fingers repeatedly through my hair, and bit every nail until it was painful. Finally, after a good half hour, James came walking down the hall with a courthouse worker. He ran into my arms and gave me a big hug, which was something I desperately needed right before going into court.
Jane sat down on the bench with James while I walked into the courtroom for one last fight for my son. After the judge entered, he asked if anyone would like to say anything before he made his final decision. Cal was the first to speak and talked about how Cassie would have wanted James with me. She never felt that Michael really wanted James and he didn’t seem to connect with him.
I wasn’t sure if his argument was helpful. Since Cassie wasn’t around to corroborate anything he said, it seemed like the ramblings of a distraught grandfather, which I suppose he was. The social worker was next to speak. She gave a very clinical analysis of her time with James and Michael, stating that Michael never really spent any time with James and that her opinion was that he remain where he was until Michael could prove that he did indeed want to get to know James.
When it was my turn to speak, I found myself once again in the position I was the day of the funeral. With everything I had prepared, I was suddenly tongue tied and unable to come up with anything to say. I found myself staring at the judge, trying to think of the perfect thing to say.
“Mr. Jackson. Do you have something to say or are you just going to stand there?”
“Sorry, your Honor. I was trying to think of the perfect thing to say.” I cleared my throat. “James means everything to me and I just worry that I’m going to say the wrong thing.”
The judge nodded, not seeming to hold it against me that I needed a minute. “Continue when you’re ready.”
“Thank you, your Honor. I guess what I really want to say is that since the day James came into my life, he’s completely changed it. My world revolves around him and I would do anything to ensure that he’s happy. I think that he would be happiest with me, but if you feel differently, I will still fight to have a place in his life because he is my son. Biological or not, I love him like he’s my own. He’s mine in every way that counts.”
I tried to come up with something more eloquent to say, but really, that was what the judge needed to know.
“That’s really all I can say.” The judge raised his eyebrows like he couldn’t believe that was all I had to say. “I could stand up here for another hour and tell you all about my time with James and the things we do together, but in the end, that’s not important. All I can tell you is that he’s mine and I love him unconditionally. I will always fight for him and put his needs first because that’s what a good parent does. I’m not sure if anything other than that is important. Thank you, your Honor.”
I turned to sit down and saw all my friends and their wives sitting behind us, supporting me. Each one of them was focused on me, so I nodded to them and took my seat.
“Your Honor, as you can see, I have many more witnesses that can speak to the relationship between James and Ryan. I can call each one of them, but they will all tell you the same thing you have already heard.”
“Let’s hold off for now. I’d like to hear from Mr. Scott.”
Michael stood, looking none too happy to be there. After buttoning his suit coat, he stood before the judge to make his argument.
“Your Honor, I am James’s biological father and even though I just came back into his life, by law he is mine. My wife and I have every ability to make sure that he is cared and provided for. We are willing to let him spend time with his step father if he chooses, but his rightful place is by my side. Right now though, Mr. Jackson is distraught and grieving over his wife. He is in no position to truly care for a ten year old boy. We can provide him with grief counselors to make sure he makes it through this difficult time. We feel it would be best if he stayed in our home where we can be sure he is properly looked after. Thank you, your Honor.”
He sat down looking smug. He wrapped his arm around his wife’s back and held her close. I couldn’t help but be jealous that I couldn’t do the same with Cassandra. His attorney stood to make final arguments in his defense.
“Your Honor, it is admirable that Mr. Jackson would want to care for James after his mother passed, but the fact is that he has no legal standing now that Mrs. Jackson has passed. James is the legal child of my client and his rightful place is in my client’s home.”
He rambled on for another ten minutes and then Garret stood to make our final arguments. I was surprised because I expected something really spectacular from him and was surprised with what he said.
“Your Honor, I could stand up here and go on and on about where James should be, but the social worker and Mr. Jackson already told you everything that I could. You spoke with James and I ask you to strongly consider whatever he said to you. Thank you for your time.”
He sat down and for the twentieth time today, I was really worried.
“That’s it?” I whispered.
“He doesn’t need to hear from me. He needed to hear from you.”
“In light of everything I have heard today and after speaking with James, I can only place him in one house in good conscience. James belongs with his father and I’m afraid that legal or not, you, Mr. Scott are not his father in any way that matters in this court. You may act the part, but you don’t seem to understand what a child needs. The social worker has stated that you didn’t pay attention to James when he was in your home or make any attempt to get to know him. I have a feeling that he was more of a trophy for you than an actual son.
“When you gave your arguments, you spoke of legal rights and what you could provide, but never once mentioned loving your son. And on top of all that, you can’t even get our child’s age right. I am inclined to allow you visitation still, but full custody will remain with Mr. Jackson. This is my final decision. Case dismissed.”
I felt the bang of the gavel deep in my soul. I wasn’t sure I understood what he just said. I felt hands on my shoulders patting me, but I just sat there staring at the judge.
“Ryan, you won,” Garret said smiling.
“I won?”
“Yes, you won. Go see your son.”
A deep breath expelled from my chest and I leaned forward with my head in my hands to get myself under control. Tears filled my eyes and my shoulders shook as I tried to regain my composure. This was real. He was mine and staying with me.
“I promise you, Cassie, I will do everything I can to give him the life you would have wanted for him. I will love him enough for the both of us.”
I stood and took another deep breath, nodding to the judge before turning and running out of the court room. I ran past my friends who probably wanted to congratulate me, but I didn’t care. There was only one person I needed to see right now. James jumped up from his seat and looked at me hopefully.
“You’re all mine, bud.”
He ran toward me and gave squeezed his arms around my neck. He was eleven now, but in so many ways, he was still just a little boy that needed his dad to take care of him.
“Let’s go home.”
He nodded and we walked out of the courthouse without looking back. Our friends and Cassie’s parents probably thought it was strange that we didn’t talk to them. I didn’t even thank Garret before we left. I just wanted to take my son home. Of course, by the time we got home I realized that everyone followed us home whether we wanted them to or not.
The guys ordered food and brought beer to celebrate. Jane and Cal stopped and picked up cake that said Happy Father’s Day. I raised an eyebrow at that and Jane explained that this was the day that I was officially seen as James’s father and we should celebrate that. I didn’t see it that way, but I didn’t say anything. I became James’s father the day I married his mother. If the court had decided against me, they would have had to file a restraining order to keep me away.
“Dad, you never asked me what I told the judge,” he said as we were cleaning up after everyone left. I set down the plates I was putting away and gave him all my attention.
“Did you want to tell me?”
“I told him that you were my dad and I wanted to stay with you. He asked me if anyone had asked me to say anything to him and I told him no. Then he asked me if I liked spending time with Michael.”
I swallowed, not sure if I wanted to hear this. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him that he never talked to me, so I didn’t really know him. Alisha is nice enough, but I don’t want to be with them.”
“Even though he’s your real dad?”
He shrugged. “I don’t think he really wants me.” He looked down at his shoes and I could tell that was probably hard for him to admit.
“You know that he’s the one missing out, right? Any one that doesn’t want to know you is an idiot. Besides, if he doesn’t want to get to know you, that means you and I get more time to together.”
He nodded and gave a small smile. “I know, but it still sucks.”
“I know, buddy.”
There was nothing else I could say to him. He was glad to be with me, but that didn’t make it easier to hear that one of your parents didn’t want you. I promised that day to make sure that he always knew how much I wanted him.
✯✯✯✯✯
Fall passed slowly for James and I. After Cassie’s death and then the court battle, we really needed something to go right for us. I was able to reschedule our trip to the U.K. The travel agency was very understanding of our situation and made sure that we would still be able to make our trip. I had considered taking off at Christmas so that we didn’t have to be in the house with all the reminders, but that wouldn’t have been fair to Jane and Cal.
The weekends that James went to stay with his grandparents were the best and worst for me. It was a relief to not have to pretend to be doing okay for James, but then the house felt cold and empty without him there. This was one of those weekends. I had taken James to Jane and Cal’s yesterday and then spent the rest of the night sitting in Cassie’s chair holding her book.
I kept running my fingers over the bookmark that she used for every book she read. She used to put in toward the back of the book and then she ran her fingers over the top of the bookmark as she read. There was something hypnotic about it and I remembered watching her one afternoon, completely unable to look away.
Lately, I wasn’t able to feel much of anything. I wasn’t sure if I was cried out or if my heart was just frozen now. I often drifted off into a daze and then found that people were trying to talk to me. Logan had covered for my ass more times than I could count and I knew I was letting him down. I asked him yesterday to have someone step into my shoes for the next six months. I would still perform my duties, but I needed someone that could help me out. I just wasn’t capable of performing at the level the job required.
He agreed but asked me to let him know if I was ready before then. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be. I felt like I was in a long, dark tunnel and any moment I would see the light and be pulled from the darkness. The problem was, the tunnel never ended. The light never came and I was left searching for my way out.
The doorbell rang and pulled me from my thoughts. I got up and headed for the front door, only to sigh in irritation when I saw that all the guys were on my front steps.
“What do you guys want?”
“Poker night. We brought beer,” Drew said.
The guys all shoved their way inside and my irritation grew even more. They all gathered around in the kitchen for beer. I noticed that most of them still had their shoes on and had tracked wet dirt inside. Just fucking perfect. Now I had to clean the floors.
“I’m telling you, if I hear one more time about how Lillian is the only one that takes care of Addie, I’m going to throw something at the wall,” Sean said. “She stays home now. It’s her job to take care of our daughter. I work long hours. Is it too much to ask that I get a break when I walk in the door?”
“Hey, I don’t want to hear about how hard it is on you,” Drew said as he pointed a finger at Sean. “When you have two sets of twins, then you can complain to me about not having a chance to relax.”
“At least you have Cara to help. Isn’t she like the baby whisperer?” Jack asked.
“Baby whisperer or not, she still goes home at the end of the day and Sarah and I are up with the little hellions for hours.”
Cole shook his head. “I wish we were dealing with that. Alex said that she doesn’t want to try anymore. She said that she’s been through enough and doesn’t want to do IVF.”
“Maybe that’s for the best,” Logan said. “I’m not trying to be insensitive, but she might be right. There’s no guarantee that IVF would work for you, and that might just be too hard for her to deal with.”
“I just wanted to give her this after everything we’ve been through.”
I stood in the doorway of my foyer and listened as my friends went on and on about what was happening in their lives. While each of them were dealing with something that was hard for them, I just couldn’t help but wonder why they had to come over here and bitch in my house. I walked over to the doorway of the kitchen and raised my voice slightly.
“You guys need to leave.”
“It’s poker night,” Logan said.
“I don’t care. I didn’t ask you to come over. I want to be alone.”
“Ryan, take it from me. Being alone isn’t the answer. You’re not going to make things easier by sitting here alone with old memories,” Drew said with a frown.
“Really? And having you all come over uninvited and sit around talking about your poor lives and all the problems you’re having is going to make things easier for me?” No one said anything. They just stared at me with blank expressions, except for Sean who looked like he actually felt bad.
“Do you think I need to hear about how your lives are moving on while I’m hanging on by a fucking thread? Sean, I’m really fucking sorry that you have a new baby girl and your wife wants you to help. That sucks for you. And Drew, sorry that you were blessed with two little boys and now you don’t get any sleep. That must be fucking terrible to know that you’re going to have such a big, loving family. Go fuck yourself. About the only one here I do feel sorry for is Cole and I bet he’d rather kick my ass than have me feeling sorry for him.”
I knew that I was losing it. For the first time in a long time, the tears were threatening again and I just couldn’t stand to have anyone witness me break down yet again.
“Get the fuck out of my house. I didn’t ask for any of you to come and I sure as shit don’t need any of you over here feeling sorry for me.”
“Ryan, we’re trying to help. You can’t just sit here alone whenever James goes to his grandparents. You need to live,” Sebastian said.
“I am living. The only way I know how. You all have your wives and families to go home to, so go and leave me the fuck alone with my memories.”
Logan stepped toward me and gripped my shoulder. “You don’t have to be alone. I can’t fucking stand to see you like this.”
I shoved his hand off my shoulder and let loose the anger inside. “I am fucking alone! You can’t stand to see me like this? I don’t want to see any of you. You come over here and try to act like nothing happened. Like my whole world wasn’t ripped apart. I have to sit and listen to you bitch about your wives or your kids and all I can think is how fucking lucky you are to still have your families. Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to hold it together so James doesn’t see me fall apart every other minute of the day.”
I walked over to the front door and held it open. “You may think you’re helping, but seeing all of you is just another fucking reminder of what I lost. Just get out. Don’t come back and try to help me or make sure I’m okay because I’m not. If any of you show up on my doorstep again, I won’t answer the fucking door.”
I could see the indecision on all their faces. None of them wanted to go, but they knew staying wouldn’t help. I leaned against the door as they started filing out the door. Logan stopped in front of me and stared at the ground for a moment.
“You’re my business partner and my friend, but above that, you’re family. I’ll step back for now and give you space, but I’m never going to leave you alone. You’re drowning, man. Don’t wait too long to ask for a life raft.”
He walked out the door and only after the last truck pulled out of my driveway did I finally shut the door and fall to my knees. I hadn’t really wanted them to go. I just couldn’t stand to be the friend that moped around and brought everyone down.
“Cassie,” I whispered. “I need you so bad right now. I can’t keep doing this. I’m fucking everything up without you. Give me a sign or something to tell me what to do.”
I wiped at the tears that were falling down my face and looked around the house, hoping that she would appear or give me something. She was never there, though. I was always alone.