CHAPTER NINETEEN
I stayed on the couch that night. Cristiano’s bedroom was too full of memories for me to even enter it.
The whole apartment was haunted, of course, but the bedroom we had shared even more so.
After grabbing a pillow and blanket from the linen closet, I set up camp. Instead of sleeping, though, I merely sat there, staring down at the bruises forming on my knuckles.
My head was clouded, nothing floating around in there but a thick, impenetrable fog.
I was in shock, not able to believe what was happening. So this was what I got for falling in love with a man who seemed bigger than life. A hard smack in the face.
What would I go back to once Cristiano was gone? I’d quit my job at Michael’s PI company. I would have to stop volunteering at the orphanage now that it had joined the list of sites sure to elicit a crying fit from me.
I wouldn’t leave Chicago. I knew that much. What little I had was important to me. My mom. Evie. They needed me. Especially if those people who had ever been involved with Cristiano in any way were to become targeted.
Eventually, I fell asleep. When I woke I was curled up in a ball, my injured right shoulder cramping underneath my weight. I groaned and sat up. The soft and hazy beginnings of morning were shining in through the windows. Somewhere, someone was waking up to the best day of their life, welcoming the morning and singing its praise with every cell of their being. But I was doing the opposite. I was cursing the first day of a long string of days that would become the most painful period in my life.
I couldn’t make him stay. I couldn’t make him take me. This wasn’t warfare. I couldn’t hold him at gunpoint. I couldn’t chain myself to his jet in an act of protest and stop it from taking off. No, this was way more complicated than any situation I’d ever faced. There was no easy answer.
Maybe there was no answer at all.
A noise sounded down the hallway, and I stood up, eager to see Cristiano.
It was Florentia, though, coming into the living room looking just as tired as I probably did.
“Could you not sleep?” she asked, her eyes falling down to the pillow and blanket on the couch.
I rasped an incoherent response. Even I didn’t know what I was trying to say.
Florentia’s brows furrowed as she slowly stepped towards me.
“Cristiano is leaving,” I cried. “He’s going to Cyprus.”
Florentia sucked in a sharp breath through her nose. “I should have guessed he would.”
I shook my head pathetically. “He won’t take me with him. He wants me to stay. He wants me to go into hiding. You too. Did he tell you any of this?”
“Not yet, but I am not surprised.” Her lips pursed. “He is so like his father. Never could I have guessed how much like him he would be.”
“Then maybe you know how I can convince him to let me go with him.”
Florentia sighed and dropped onto the couch. “Blaire...”
“There’s no way?” I could feel my bottom lip trembling like I was a baby, but honestly, I didn’t feel like much more than just that.
“He is very hard headed. I know that much having been with him for such a short time.”
“Yeah,” I bitterly said, sitting down next to her. “He is.”
“And so are you.”
I looked at her curiously. “Huh?”
“You can argue with that?”
“No,” I admitted. “But he’s one-upping me on the stubbornness. It’s not like I’m going to hop a plane and follow him across the world... although I would if I could.”
“Tell him that.”
“I did,” I sadly said. “I already did.”
“He loves you too much, Blaire. He’s not going to put you in danger.”
“I know. He already told me. There has to be something I can do... some way I can convince him that... that...”
“That your life is not worth it? That, if you die, he will be able to go on?”
I stared at her, thinking for the first time about the real possibility of my death.
“How would you feel?” Florentia asked. “If he died because of something happening in your life?”
I didn’t even have to think about that. “I would never forgive myself.”
A long silence followed, during which there seemed to be nothing left to say. Florentia patted my knee and stood up before shuffling back down the hall without another word.
I stared at the floor. This was it. This was the end. Me and Cristiano. The best thing I’d ever lived through was over so I could keep on living.
The floorboards creaked. I looked up, wondering if Florentia had more to say, but she wasn’t there. Instead, Cristiano hovered in the doorway, dark circles under his eyes, his hair un-brushed.
I wanted to run my hands through the unruly waves, scrunch my fingers in their ends. They’d always been a source of joy for me, but seeing them now made me feel like I was about to throw up.
Cristiano took a slow step towards me and my stomach flipped.
He stopped walking but kept his eyes on me. I stared back, wanting to look away, wanting to end the pain, but not being able to. Would this be the last time I gazed at him? Would this be the memory I carried around with me for the rest of my life, a sad replacement for the picture I held of the first time I saw him?
I wanted to remember him in that first way, laughing in the sunshine of the orphanage’s back yard. Not like this, sad and broken like me. I couldn’t remember him like this.
And still, I couldn’t look away.
“I’m sorry about this,” he finally said.
“I know. I know you are. And I understand. If it were me, I might not let you follow. If something happened to you...” I swallowed hard, thinking about how close we’d come to ‘something happening’ to him just the night before.
I gazed back at him, feeling the whole universe explode as I tried desperately to cling onto it, to keep it whole.
“My flight leaves tonight,” he said simply. “I have a lot to do before then.”
“Yes,” I thickly agreed, giving a terse nod.
He still didn’t move. He still didn’t look away from me, nor I from him.
Eventually, Cristiano broke the silence. “We should have been given a better chance. We were cheated.”
I shut my eyes. Perhaps in the darkness, there would be less pain. “Don’t say that,” I whispered. “We don’t know how things are meant to be. Maybe this was our path all along.”
Though I said the words, I couldn’t believe them. I’d thought Cristiano might be my soul mate. The prospect of losing him, and now the full reality of losing him, made me even more sure he was just that.
But you’re supposed to be with your soul mate. That’s the whole point.
There would be no one else. There could never be anyone who would hold even half a candle to this man.
“Destiny,” Cristiano bitterly said, like it was a slur.
I blinked fast and looked back at him. “Yeah, well...” The sentence ended in a heavy sigh.
His weight shifted. He went to move, to walk in the direction of the front door. But then I spoke, stopping him.
“You’re my soul mate,” I blurted out.
The words came without me planning them, but I didn’t regret their arrival. It was the truth, and nothing was better than the truth. Especially in times of pain. Sometimes, I saw then, when there’s suffering, there’s nothing but the truth. It’s the last thing you have to hang on to, the one thing you know will always be unwavering.
And to voice it, though you may be in unspeakable pain, can really set you free.
“You’re my soul mate,” I repeated. “And I know that you’re going in one direction, and I’m going to have to go in another, but nothing will ever change what you are to me.”
Cristiano’s throat rasped, like he was gasping for air but not able to get a good breath in. “I know, Blaire,” he whispered, so soft I could barely hear it. “I know. And you’re mine.”
“I would die for you. Do you not get that?”
“And I would do the same for you. And that’s why I need you to live. I need you to stay safe.”
“And happy?”
“And happy.”
Heavy as it was, my head still managed a weak shake. “Not without you. I won’t be happy without you.”
“Blaire...”
“What do you think I’m going to do?” I demanded, each word coming out a note higher. “How do you envision this new life you’re asking me to live? Am I going to go to some tiny town named after a fruit or a tree? Peachtree? Orange Blossom? Oakdale? And what? Get a job as a waitress? Spend the rest of every day and night of my life wishing that I was by your side? Get married to some random man who thinks I’m happy with him, but who will actually never get to know the real truth? Am I supposed to spend each night sleeping next to some other guy, trying to love him while the whole time I’m slipping away to hide in the bathroom and cry for you?” Tears filled my eyes, so thick I couldn’t see more than Cristiano’s vague shape. “I would rather die tomorrow by your side than live a hundred more years without you.”
“You’re a fool, Blaire,” he croaked, the thick nature of his words revealing how close he was to crying himself.
“Then let me be because fools can be happy too!” I wiped my eyes ferociously, brushing away the tears and clearing my vision.
“You talk about going on living with me far away, but what about me going on with you dead? Don’t you think that’s a crueler fate?”
“Of course it is, but you won’t exactly be safe in Cyprus yourself,” I countered. “Whoever is after you here will be after you there, and maybe twice-fold. You’re walking into the lion’s den.”
He sighed, his head dropping until he faced the floor. He looked so defeated, his shoulders slumped and not a bit of him moving. “I know.”
“You’re not safe anywhere. Maybe I’m not safe anywhere.”
He slowly lifted his head and then walked across the room to come and sit at the far end of the couch. Several feet remained between us, and I kept my distance, scared with him so close.
“So what can we do?” he softly asked.
I tried to not let the question give me hope.
“We can go forward. Together. Cristiano, I know that I could lose you, okay? And I know that you could lose me. I’ve looked death in the eye. I’ve seen friends go into combat and not come back. I know what loss is like. And I know you do too.”
His eyebrows pushed together, and he peeked at me from the side, his exact expression unreadable.
I went on. “And you know what else? We both lived through it. We’re here today. And we’ve both been happy, though we lost people.”
Cristiano slowly ran his palms over his face then dropped his hands to his knees. “You could have been a lawyer.”
“Because I’m so persuasive?”
“And conniving.”
“Damn it, Cristiano! What the fuck else do I have to say?”
“How about this?” he hissed. “That you will go on with your life. That you will forget all about me. That you will do everything you can to stay safe and away from me.”
I choked on my own breath. It was just like when Florentia left him at the orphanage so many years ago. I understood then that Cristiano was making what might be the hardest decision of his life... and I was only making it harder for him.
“All right,” I whispered. “I will.’
I got up and went in the direction of his bedroom, my body shaking. I couldn’t believe I’d just given in.
At least this was the hardest part. At least it will be over soon.
Tears coursing down my face, I got to work collecting all of my belongings and throwing them into the suitcase Cristiano had brought over for me the day he decided I was safer with him than I was at my apartment. It was painfully ironic that his opinion on that had switched so fast.
My hands trembling, I threw everything into the suitcase, zipped it shut, and then lugged it into the hallway. I kept my gaze pointed straight ahead. No indulgent glances at the walls around me, the space that used to be so welcoming. My time with Cristiano was over starting right away. I needed to accept it.
Straightening my back, I wheeled the suitcase into the living room to say goodbye for the last time.
Cristiano wasn’t alone. Florentia had joined him there.
“...then it is not right,” she said.
Cristiano’s eyes went wide at the sight of my suitcase. Florentia whipped her head towards me.
“You are leaving?” she asked.
I nodded stiffly.
“But what about...?”
“It doesn’t matter. Cristiano and I talked about it. It’s... for the best.”
Behind her, Cristiano’s jaw ticked, but he said nothing.
“But it is a mistake,” Florentia insisted.
I raised my chin, not allowing myself even a second before I replied. If I weren’t careful, I would agree with her, which meant I would be right back in the place I was fifteen minutes ago.
“I love your son,” I informed her. “So I’m going to do whatever it takes to make him happy.”
“If you love each other then you won’t be happy.”
I glanced at Cristiano, curious as to what his reaction to that was, but he stayed as frozen as a statue.
“You will be miserable,” Florentia insisted. “And I know what you will say. The same thing he just told me. You might die.”
“Yep,” I tartly agreed. “And that’s enough for him.”
She turned to look at her son. “But she won’t die here?”
Cristiano opened his mouth, likely to argue the point, but she cut him short. “She could get hit by a bus next year, and then what will happen? You will spend your life wishing you had stayed with her.”
He shook his head. “It’s highly unlikely—”
“I’m not done.”
He flinched as if struck. Even I was surprised by Florentia’s sudden aggressiveness.
“You left me,” Cristiano calmly said. “When I was four. Even though it broke both our hearts. You did it because it was what was best for me. You did it because you loved me, and now I’m doing this because I love Blaire.”
A tear escaped the corner of my eye, and I sniffled. At least I would have that statement to hold on to, wherever it was I went next.
“And that is why I know what I’m talking about,” Florentia said. “That was worth it. You were a small child. You did not understand the risk that came with us staying together. Blaire does. That is the difference.”
The silence rang out. I swallowed, the sound crazily loud. Cristiano blinked rapidly, something changing in his features. His gaze slowly moved across the room, coming to rest on my face.
“I know,” I whispered, taking my hand off the suitcase handle. “You don’t have to tell me what we might be up against.” I licked my parched lips. “But let me help. Let me give you strength when you don’t have it. I know how much you can do alone... but together we can do everything. And please believe me when I say that even one more week with you will be worth it. It will have made my whole life.”
Cristiano’s eyes shimmered. I held my breath, waiting, unable to bear the pain of it. Please, please. Say yes. Just tell me you want me with you.
“I don’t know, Blaire,” he said, but it was enough to get my breathing going again. He was breaking, getting so close to opening the door and letting me in.
“I’ll follow you,” I stubbornly said. “Because one day, Cristiano, you’re going to see it my way. I know you will.”
He looked into my eyes, holding my gaze, those amber eyes I would love until the day I died locking onto my soul.
“Come with me,” he whispered.
I almost didn’t believe it. Could this really be right?
“But only if you really understand...” he began, but I didn’t let him finish. I flew across the room, moving lighter than air into his arms.
Cristiano swept me up, pulling me off the floor and bringing me close. Two hearts as one. Two lives come together.
Alone we had done so much, but together we would accomplish even more. And come what may, and in what form, it didn’t matter. Cristiano and I were meant to be together.
My mom would understand. Evie would too. Because they both knew how hard I’d searched for my real purpose in life.
I’d found it. At this man’s side, I would protect him and he would protect me. We would make a difference in the world.
Together.
With no more secrets.
THE END
Continue on to read the next in the Lords of the City series, Burned.