CHAPTER EIGHT
We opted for a hike first and went down to the front desk to get a trail guide. The main path from the lodge sloped down the hill to a sandy strip along the lake. From there trails split off in all directions. Seth suggested the four-mile loop around the lake. I agreed and let him guide the way, walking next to him for a bit, then hanging back to stare at his rear when the trail narrowed.
The spider webs we ran across suggested we were the first humans to come down the path that day. We swept them away from our faces and kept going, not talking, just breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the scene around us. Birds sang, and at one point we saw a group of does peeking out from the shrubbery. They lowered their heads and took a few tentative steps toward us as if we might feed them. When we kept walking, they spooked and ran away, vanishing into the dark shadows.
We moved on, the earth becoming softer and more giving under our feet, as we took the curved path up a hill. A collection of boulders crowded together beneath a lush canopy, just like in my imaginings of the forest Seth had described on my patio.
Without discussing it, we veered toward the rocks.
Seth climbed deftly on top of a boulder and reached down to take my hand. Time halted as his grip tightened slightly on mine. He pulled me up effortlessly, and I joined him on top of the rock. With only inches of space between us, my lips came about to his chin. To share a kiss, we’d both only have to incline our heads the slightest bit.
My boot slipped on a patch of moss and Seth pressed his hand against the small of my back. “Careful.”
I smiled up at him. “Thanks.”
God, I wanted him to kiss me. And yet I didn’t.
I was afraid that once I got that first kiss, and the taste of his touch, the result would be the opposite of what I hoped. Instead of losing interest in him, the fire would be further stoked.
Seth looked at me for a long moment, and his thumb moved across the fabric of my shirt. Or had I imagined it? I was in such a state of lust I could no longer decipher the real from the imagined.
He stepped away and looked out through the trees. My whole body tightened. This I wasn’t imagining. Something had changed since that night at the bar. Maybe I did something at my house he didn’t like, something that made him think I wasn’t worth pursuing after all.
Maybe this weekend was nothing more to him than a free trip.
I couldn’t really hold that against him. I used people for my own means on a regular basis. I had my own money to take trips with, but going out to dinner by myself wasn’t exactly romantic, and neither was spending a weekend at a lakeside retreat.
“Look,” Seth said, pointing at something between the trees.
I shuffled carefully across the boulder. Through the green branches, the lake was visible and, across the water, a dock.
“Is that the lodge?”
“No,” he answered. “I don’t think so. There’s a little bit of white there, see? It must be someone’s house.”
He settled down on the rock, his legs hanging off the side. I joined him, uncertain and careful to not sit too close. I didn’t usually wait so long for a man to swoop in. If a guy didn’t go for it, then I took the initiative, made the move.
A lot was strange about this situation, though. Seth and I would be together for two whole days. If I tried to kiss him and got shot down, the rest of the weekend would be beyond uncomfortable.
We sat for a while, not saying much. Eventually, Seth asked if I was ready to go and then stood up and took my hand. When our fingers touched, I couldn’t breathe.
I needed to be careful. I was getting dangerously close to living for the brush of his skin on mine.
The rest of the way around the lake, we made small talk, discussing the music scene in Chicago and pets. Seth didn’t have any but confessed a soft spot for cats. I teased him relentlessly for this, of course, and my assault ended in his promise to dog sit Starlet any time I needed it.
Any time.
He expected our relationship to go past the weekend. And yet he still hadn’t made a move on me. Was he just trying to be a gentleman and wait? Or was he only interested in a friendship?
I needed to stop analyzing things. I knew what I came to the lodge for and intended to get it.
Once back at the lodge, we had just enough time to clean up for lunch. Served in the main dining room, it was a small affair for about twenty guests. A server scurried about, bringing us sandwiches and cold cucumber bisque soup. Again the talk was minimal, mostly Seth asking about my life.
I told him about growing up with my still married parents, older brother and younger sister; about trying to be a cheerleader freshman year in high school and failing miserably; about missing the Spring Fling so I could rewrite a paper that counted for a quarter of my final English grade.
“Do you regret that?” he asked.
I gave it some thought. “No, I don’t. At the time, it made me a little sad. This boy asked me to it, Mark. I really wanted to go with him. Like, really, really.” I laughed over the memory. “I wanted him to be my boyfriend, bad. But I also wanted something else. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be as successful as I could imagine and then even more. That meant making some sacrifices. I gave up short term pleasures for long term ones. I could suffer a little bit if it meant I would get to have something more, something gigantic and really fulfilling. I knew the dance would end. Mark and I would probably go off to different schools. And then what would I have? The memories, I guess, but even those just didn’t seem like they would be fulfilling enough. No, it just wasn’t worth it.”
I sucked in a breath, embarrassed by my spontaneously composed Shakespeare length monologue.
Seth gazed at me from across the table, his chin in his hand. “You have to live in the moment sometimes.”
“I know.”
“The moment is all you have, really.”
“I know,” I repeated, slightly annoyed. “But you have to think ahead as well. Live as if it’s your last day and as if you’ll never die...” I stirred my soup. “Or whatever the crap that saying is.”
Seth laughed. “You just butchered it big time.”
“Yeah, I did. So, what about you? Did you always want to join the army?”
He tapped the side of his soup spoon against his bowl. “No.”
I waited for more, but he didn’t elaborate, only stared at the table.
I licked my lips, ready to change the subject. Seth wasn’t exactly the most self-revealing person out there. Maybe talking about himself made him feel put on the spot.
I gave him an opening. “Did your parents make you join?”
He shook his head and sat up straighter. “No, I went myself.”
“And what did they think of it? They must be pretty proud.”
He smiled slightly, but there was something rueful about it. “I’m not sure.”
“You’re not close?”
“My mom and I are… I mean, about in the average way. My dad I… have… stuff.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I was just going to say that I talk to them, yes, but we don’t really talk about my career.”
What do you talk about with them? I wanted to ask, but the mood at our table was dark and palpable. Seth did not like to talk about his family, and I’d be cold hearted to push him on the topic.
“Come on,” I said, standing up and offering my hand. “Let’s go learn how to canoe.”
Learning how to canoe, it turned out, wasn’t really necessary. The task was pretty simple and maybe geared toward the retirees who made up the rest of the class. The instructor showed us the basics and then let us set off in our vessels, brand new adventurers in the small lake.
Seth got to work, his muscles tightening and then relaxing as he paddled. I followed his lead, doing my best to match my pace with his and enjoying the same view I had during our hike, made better this time by the movement of his arms. And even better than in my imaginings.
“Let’s get past the crowd,” he whispered, speeding beyond an older couple wearing matching baseball hats.
He steered us across the lake and then around a bend, taking us into a nook where the lodge was just barely visible. It was a lot like my fantasy involving the picnic basket and getting fucked in the grass.
He didn’t take the canoe toward the shore, though, instead paddling lackadaisically around.
“Why me?” he asked out of the blue.
“Huh?” My paddle slipped a little in my hands, and I did my best to hang onto it.
“Why me?” Seth asked again.
I knew what he was referring to, but wasn’t about to let on. “I don’t understand.”
“I mean why did you invite me this weekend? You seem like a girl who has lots of friends. You were with how many that night at the gallery? Two? Four? You could have invited one of them, right? Instead, you picked a guy you’ve known a week.”
I looked down at my feet, wedged on either side of the boat. Because I wanted to get bored of you quicker. Because I couldn’t handle the things you make me feel.
“Because I wanted to get to know you better.” As I said the words, I realized they’d become true. Maybe they weren’t when I booked the resort or when I climbed into Seth’s Jeep this morning, but they’d become true over the course of the morning and early afternoon.
I liked this guy. Way more than I wanted to. There were things about him that still irked me. At lunch, I saw a hint of the cocky attitude he’d shown me in the bar. That kind of personality trait doesn’t disappear as time goes on. It actually tends to get worse, since people relax and let their real selves come out as they get to know each other.
Seth looked at me with the poker face he wore so well. “I’m honored.”
I stopped rowing, unable to take it any more. God, I was such a fake. I didn’t deserve to enjoy a weekend like this.
“Really?” I pressed. “You’re honored?”
He turned his face to the side to study me, probably thinking I was crazy. “Yes,” he said slowly, halting his rowing and resting the oars against his knees. The canoe came to a stand still, its only movement the gentle waves rocking it up and down.
“You don’t think it’s weird that I asked you?”
“Yeah, I kind of do think it’s weird, that’s why I brought it up.”
Annoyed at the bit of snark in his tone, I inhaled sharply through my nose. “Well, you’re welcome.”
Seth threw his head back in laughter.
I crossed my arms. “This isn’t funny. Why are you laughing?”
He chuckled one more time. “Because you’re… you’re a lot to handle. I like it.”
My pulse sped up. I couldn’t speak, so I just sat there and looked back at him, shy and fearful and angry and giddy, all at the same time.
“I would kiss you if it wouldn’t make the canoe tip over.”
I choked on air. How did he do that? Say something so romantic out of the blue that the words made the world flip upside down?
I fought to respond. “Uh… O-okay.”
Seth grinned a little wider and picked his oars back up. “Let’s keep going, shall we?”
I let him take the lead once more, my head spinning, my whole plan for the weekend going down the drain.
But what had I expected, really? That I could go off to a romantic setting with a man and expect to leave hating him?
Here I was, doing anything but getting over Seth.
I was falling for him.
Hard.
There was one thing left to try. One thing that would either bring us together or push us apart.
I no longer knew which result I wanted.