Fighting the inevitable?
What the hell?
Over and over I repeated Lizzy’s words in my head. How would she know what the inevitable was?
I knew asking for advice was asking for trouble. Yes, I was well aware that contradicted what I did for a living. If everyone I treated had felt the same, I wouldn’t be where I was today. But now, I got it. I understood what stopped people from reaching out, asking for help. The warring between one’s brain and one’s heart was enough to cause major confusion. Add in a third party’s opinion and that was enough to render a person stupid.
It wasn’t Lizzy’s fault for the fucked up state of mind I was in. For the first time since arriving in New York, I wasn’t consumed with the frigid temperature. I barely felt it as I walked and walked for hours. I had no idea where I was going, or why I was reluctant to go home.
The incessant honking horns and throngs of people all rushing to their destinations should have been a welcome distraction. Yet, I saw and heard none of that. All I had on my mind was the look on Haven’s face when I said kissing her was a huge mistake.
Somewhere between leaving Lizzy’s apartment and now, time had passed. The only indication that it had was my wristwatch and the streetlights that began to flicker on while a light snow fell.
Without conscious thought, I found myself standing in front of her building. Haven had been silent all day. It was for that reason I needed to see her and fix whatever it was that her brain had conjured up. She never felt she was enough for anyone. Her insecurities and abandonment issues ran a mile long as a result of her birth parents giving her up.
After that prick she was dating in L.A. broke up with her, Haven spent days convinced it was her fault that their relationship ended. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind she was harping over that one comment I mistakenly made. Because of my stupid mouth, I bet I hurt her more than that prick had… which made me a bigger prick.
I glanced up at the second floor and saw her bedroom light on. Before I could chicken out, I let myself into the building using the emergency key she gave me and sprinted up the stairs.
Music filtered into the hall from inside her apartment. The sound of Adam Levine singing about Lost Stars meant she was not in a good frame of mind. It was her go-to song whenever her heart hurt. The fact that this time I was the one who caused her pain almost had me turning around and leaving like a coward.
After mentally berating myself, I rapped my knuckles against the wood grain of her door in a hard knock. The door flew open, and a smiling dude wearing nothing but a towel looked at me expectantly.
Recognition caused his forehead to crease. “You’re Vaughn, right?”
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Vaughn Lair!” Haven scolded from behind this asshole that I was having engaged in a staring match with.
“Dude, chill.” The way he raised both hands, and the sound of his condescending voice, caused my blood to simmer. Having nothing but a towel on when he was telling me to chill caused it to boil.
“Elliott, maybe you should go.”
Elliott?
He looked behind him with a smug smile plastered on his stupid face. Nothing like what I imagined. He stood as tall as me. Like mine, his body was fit. The blond mess of curls on his head and the scruff on his jaw screamed surfer, which was strange since Haven’s type was nerdy and intellectual.
“I’ll talk to you later, Haive,” he said, adding, “Excuse me.”
Haive?
This asshole was too arrogant for his own good. I moved aside and watched him saunter down the hall and into an apartment a few doors away.
I leveled her with a piercing glare. “Did you fuck him?”
Her mouth gaped open in a perfect circle before she clamped it shut and shoved my chest with both hands. “First of all, how is that any of your business?” She turned her back on me and walked into her apartment, forcing me to follow behind like a pathetic puppy. When she turned back around, her eyes blazed with fury. The tiny Ninja Turtle T-shirt she wore stretched over her boobs. My eyes zoned in on them like some kind of pervert.
“Second of all,” she continued with her hands on her hips, oblivious to how my eyes now studied the outline of her body in her favorite yoga pants. “No, I didn’t fuck him! Unlike you, I don’t sleep around or use sex as a distraction.”
“When have I used sex as a distraction?” I asked, skipping over the sleeping around part.
“Kim.”
“Oh.” Of course she hit on the one chick that I did indeed use to get over another chick. “Well, I don’t anymore. But that’s beside the point. Why was he in your apartment wearing nothing but a towel?”
“Why are you here, Vaughn?” She ignored my question, now folding her arms beneath her perfect breasts.
Shit.
“You know why.” She groaned, plopping herself down on the couch. I followed and sat right beside her. My eyes focused on the symmetrical beach pictures on her wall that Elliott helped her hang. Combined with Adam Levine whining about his relationship pissed me off even further. “We need to talk this out.”
I watched her dig her hands into her hair in frustration. “Can you just stop with the therapist crap? Not everything in life needs to be beaten to death with your Freudian stick. I want to forget about this. Let’s just chalk it all up to me having a bad day, end of story.”
“Because of me?”
“Yeah, because of you.” Her exaggerated eye-roll and shake of her head showed me a tiny glimpse of my Haven. This was what I was missing from her. But as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared, replaced with the insecure pout I hated seeing. “Look, you know me better than anyone. You know I stew a bit, I realize I was being stupid, and then I move on. Can’t you give me space to do that?”
“No. Because I also know when you move on, you cut the source of your angst from your life without a backward glance.”
Her big brown eyes widened. “You think so little of me that I’d cut you out of my life? Are you insane?” I realized she was right, and laughed at the ridiculousness of that possibility. The anger slipped off her expression and soon enough she laughed with me. “What the hell? Is there a full moon or something, Mooner? You’re acting crazy.”
“I could say the same about you.”
“How am I acting crazy? I’m acting the way I always act.”
Shit, again she was right. I was the one acting atypically—the question that remained… why?
“Okay, I’m sorry. Can you just answer one question for me?”
She stared at me apprehensively. “What?”
“Were you about to sleep with him?”
“Ugh! His shower is leaking into the apartment below, so he used mine.”
“He doesn’t have any other friends in the building he could seduce with that lame excuse?” Her expression turned incredulous, and it was then I realized I made the mistake voicing that out loud. She flew off the couch, grabbed a throw pillow, and beat me with it.
“Oww.”
“You’re an asshole, Vaughn!” I snatched the pillow from her raised arms and threw it onto the floor. With a shake of her head, she stormed into her kitchen to grab a beer.
“Can I have one?”
“No.” After taking a long sip, she slammed the bottle on the counter beside her and nodded with a sardonic smile on her face. “I know what’s happening here. You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else wanting me either.”
Bingo… well, except for the—I didn’t want her part. Before yesterday, I’d have to admit that was true. I never looked at Haven that way. But now, it felt like kissing her lifted a fog and suddenly the road ahead was clear as day.
“Cat got your tongue, Mooner?”
Until I could figure my shit out, I had to deflect and distract. “I’m starving. Can we order something up?”
“You’re a piece of work.” She rummaged through a drawer and pulled out a menu with a flourish. “We’re getting Indian,” she demanded, lifting a brow in her ball-busting way. “And you’re treating.”
“Fine.” She knew I hated Indian food. But this visit wasn’t going to be in vane. Before I left her apartment, I’d make sure we were back on solid footing.
I sat on the couch and listened to her order her favorite dishes. At least her inclusion of the one Indian dish I tolerated meant she didn’t hate me.
“Thank you,” she said before pulling her cellphone away from her ear to add, “Hello.” Her eyes lifted to mine and held. “No, I’m fine. I can handle him. Thank you… no problem at all, anytime… let me know if you need to use it tomorrow, I’ll be home until noon. Okay, sounds good.”
No sooner did her finger hit the end call button than I asked, “Who was that?”
“Elliott, making sure you weren’t upsetting me.”
What the fuck?
“You can handle me?” I grumbled.
“Yep. Especially when you act like an ass.”
“I’m an ass because I don’t like that guy?”
“No, you’re an ass for an entirely different reason. You’re a jerk because you don’t like him.”
“He wants in your pants.” I knew when a guy wanted into a girl’s pants. If I hadn’t shown up, that asshole would have been balls deep into my best friend by now.
“Yeah? Well, if that’s the case I’ll probably let him in them.”
The fuck you will.
What the serious fuck? Another red flag flapped wildly in my mind. Never had I given much thought to Haven’s sex life… so why now?
A short huff of air preceded a mumbled something, but the sound of the silverware she was pulling out of the drawer drowned out her words. I wanted to ask her to repeat what she said, and then thought better of it. If I continued to push her, question her, I’d have to explain myself.
That would prove to be difficult when I didn’t even know what the fuck was going on.
Dinner arrived… dinner was eaten… tension continued to radiate between us.
I hoped to ease back into our normal selves over the bad Indian take-out she loved so much, but no such luck.
“That was terrible,” I said, pushing my plate away. “The only reason I ate that crap was because I was starving. You ordering it meant you’re still mad at me.”
“Smart man.” She lifted our plates with a smirk and carried them into her small galley kitchen. I followed behind with the remnants of dinner.
“Are you saving this?” I asked, lifting what was left.
“Of course.”
“Your taste in food is awful.” Shoving the plastic container into her fridge, I noticed how bare it was. “What do you eat? There’s nothing in there?”
“I manage,” she said while scrubbing the plate she was holding. A welcomed comfortable silence stretched between us as she washed and I dried. That was until she handed me the last plate and asked, “Mooner?”
“Yeah?” Instead of responding, she paused while hanging her head. “Haven, what’s wrong?”
“Can I ask you something?” She shut the water off and turned to stare into my eyes. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Besides you being a pain in the ass?” I released a short laugh, but she wasn’t even smiling.
“I’m serious.”
“Why would you ask me that?” A casual shrug contradicted the same forlorn expression that had appeared last night. She dried her hands and walked over to sit on the couch. “Haven? There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Really? Let’s face it… my track record with men is a disaster. Elliott, who has to know that I’m into him, has made no moves on me whatsoever. None.”
“Fuck Elliott. He’s an asshole… or gay.”
“He’s not gay. Do I just send off a—friend-only vibe? Is there a blinking sign over my head that reads—platonic?”
In an instant she was in my arms. She remained quiet and stiff, even after I squeezed her harder. When I pulled back to look at her face, she avoided my eyes. “Look at me.” I waited until she did, and held her chin between my fingers to ensure she kept her gaze on me. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a beautiful human being.” A trademark Haven eye-roll made me angry. “I mean it. No one is worthy of you, Haven. Your heart, your spirit, and your beauty are too good for that prick.”
“Well, then there’s also you.”
“Me?” My heart halted in my chest.
“You freaked out over one stupid kiss.” Her eyes welled just enough to cause them to shimmer in the dimly lit room, and just enough for me to know how hard this was for her to talk about.
“I didn’t freak out.”
“Yes, you did. You freaked out. And all I wanted…” Her big brown eyes searched mine.
“What?” My question came out as a breath more than a word. She looked down at her hands, forcing me to prompt. “Haven? What did you want?”
“I wanted you to keep kissing me.”