Metallic clinking of silverware, patrons chattering, and Billy Joel’s Piano Man melded together providing white noise to my cluttered thoughts. Even though it was considered early for dinner, the happy hour crowd came out in droves for Wednesday Wild Wing Night.
The fucking chicken wings weren’t why I was sitting in the middle of the noisy pub. I chose this place because it was close to the studio, and after five minutes of being there I deeply regretted it. But with Lizzy and Evan leaving the next day for a vacation, and my show going live in a few short hours, this dive would have to do.
Lizzy had no idea why I needed to see her. The urgency in my text was understood, and without question she accepted my invite for a quick drink. I hadn’t shared what happened with Haven yet. I was about to let it all out tonight. Only a shrink could help a shrink.
It wasn’t until her hand patted my shoulder that I realized she was standing beside me.
“Oh hey, Liz,” I said as I stood to give her a hug. She accepted my embrace and sat once I released her. “Thanks for meeting me on such short notice. I know you’re flight is early tomorrow. How long are you guys away?”
“Two weeks. My mom’s dad hasn’t been well enough to travel, and he and my grandmother are dying to see Michael. We would love to stay longer, but we need to be back in time for Evan to make rehearsals for the benefit concert.”
“Oh, right. I forgot about that.” At the end of the month, my cousin Jack’s band was playing their annual concert for the childhood cancer foundation he and Leila started.
“It should be a great night. Haven’s gonna love it.” I stiffened, not knowing if Haven would be there at all. Even before we got together I had purchased two tickets months ago, wanting to surprise her. She always loved my cousin’s band. Combined with the cause, I knew she’d be excited to attend… which seemed like a long shot now.
Lizzy caught the tension radiating off of me in waves. Her eyes raked over my face, concern puckering her brow. “Did something happen with Haven?”
“Yeah. I think I fucked up.”
A waitress quickly appeared to take our drink order. Once she left our table, Lizzy leaned back in her chair and said, “Okay, what happened?”
In a very matter of fact way, I recounted every detail from finding the phone containing the texts to our last conversation before I walked out. During my dissertation, my beer and her wine were delivered. Not once did Lizzy interrupt… until I stopped talking.
“So basically, you can’t get past the lie?”
“Basically, I can’t get past the fact she continued to lie. Even after we became a couple, it went on and on. I loved every minute of the time we’ve spent together, and now I feel like it’s tainted. I’m pissed at her.”
“That’s understandable. Especially since she’s never lied to you, nor have you to her. But, everyone makes mistakes, and you know as well as I do that no one is perfect. She did not lie out of malice, deceit, or ill will. Haven is a good-hearted person. She probably felt it was just a little fib with good intentions. The longer it went on, the more she was afraid of how you would react.”
“She admitted that fact. She was afraid I’d be angry with her, and she was right. I am. I’m also confused, and hurt. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.” I took a swig of my beer, before admitting, “I texted her, called twice, she hasn’t responded.”
“I’m betting she’s just as confused as you are. You already admitted to me that you can’t live without her. Have you told her?”
“That’s part of the problem. She thinks my feelings are entwined with the fact I’ve always needed her. And what if she’s right? What if it’s the Haven who is my friend, my assistant, my life preserver that I can’t live without?”
A small smile spread over her lips. “Come on, Vaughn. You know her awesome organizational skills are not the reasons you’re with her now. List them.”
“List what?”
She rolled her eyes upward. “All the reasons you love her. I don’t care how silly they are, tell me.”
“Is this necessary?”
“Apparently, you forgot why you love Haven. So, let’s remember why. You love her…” When all she was met with was silence, she rolled her hand in the air to prompt my response. “You. Love. Her…”
“Laugh. I love her stupid character T-shirts.” And how she mixes lace bras with silly character panties, I added in my mind. “I love her hair, the way she smells like the tropics, the way she sighs, the way she looks sideways when she’s annoyed.” The way she inhales just before exhaling as she comes. “Her ability to see through my shit, predict what I’m thinking, and finish my sentences. Should I go on?”
“No. I think you see my point.” she said with sass. “Look, it’s the fact she kept lying that angers you the most. So, be angry Vaughn. Tell her off, throw shit, get it out of your system… and then kiss and make up.” Lizzy took a sip of her wine, staring at me with a smug smile. “You need to forgive her.”
She sat back, allowing me to roll that one and simple fact around in my brain. It felt like a marble ricocheting off the sides of a pinball game, while other obstacles like doubt and trust kept trying to push the ball away and drive it right down the center and out of play.
“I know I do,” I finally said. “But…”
“There are no buts. It’s simple. You love her, and you need to forgive her,” she repeated with conviction. “Nothing else matters.”
Lizzy was right, I knew I had to, and I knew I would. The more I thought about life without Haven in it, the more my heart squeezed in my chest from fear of losing her. And it wasn’t just all the things she did for me… it was everything.
In a sick way, I even loved the things I always hated about her. Like how annoyingly organized she was in all aspects of her life, or how most of the time she was always right. I loved how after a fight, the anger and frustrations between us seemed to culminate into a fiery passion. The likes of which I’d never felt in my life.
I loved it all with Haven… the good and the bad.
As Lizzy said, the decision was a very simple one, and that one conclusion was all that mattered. Bottom line, I loved her.
Lizzy drained the rest of her wine. “Okay, my job is done. I have to pack, and you have somewhere you need to be.”
I glanced at my watch surprised it was later than I thought. “Shit, I’m sorry. I have thirty minutes until…” When I looked up, Lizzy’s head swung back and forth. “What?”
“Forget the show. They can air a ‘Best of’ segment. Go see her, Vaughn. Now.”
By the time I called Natalie to inform her that an emergency came up, I left my night crew with less than a half an hour to pull together enough material to run a show with. It wasn’t impossible to do, as shit happened all the time with live radio. It was the short notice that made her silence over the phone understandable. No doubt I’d get heat from corporate for the last minute bail, which I couldn’t give a shit about.
Not long after, I stood at Haven’s apartment ready to knock when a male voice carrying into the hall stopped me in my tracks. Before my knuckles hit the wood, the door swung open and a wide-eyed Haven stared at me.
“Vaughn,” she said my name on a sigh. I couldn’t tell if she was glad to see me or not. She looked exhausted, and sad. The familiar sight of one of her cartoon T-shirts, worn yoga pants, and messy ponytail stirred an impulse to crush her into my body. But instead, I shoved my hands into my pockets to resist the urge to touch her. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be on the air soon.”
“We need to talk,” I responded with my eyes pinned to Elliott standing behind her.
He tipped his head with a tight smile. “Hey, Vaughn.”
“Hey.”
“Okay. Um… Elliott was just leaving.”
I had to bite my tongue to stop from asking, “Why the fuck was he here anyway? Were you telling him our business?” But, I didn’t want to start off on the wrong foot. And with that fucker looking so smug I had to fight hard to control the impulse to punch him in the face. In addition, having her standing before me after too many days apart reminded me how much I missed her and to behave myself.
Haven’s eyes met mine before she turned and said, “Thanks for your help, Elliott. I appreciate it.”
My eyes zoned in on his hand gripping her shoulder as he said, “Anytime, Haive. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The fuck you will.
He squeezed past her in the doorway and instead of heading to his apartment took the stairs at a quick trot.
“Can I come in?” I asked when she hadn’t offered.
With a nod of her head, she moved into her apartment allowing me to follow. The boxes that had been packed a few days ago remained piled neatly in the corner, with a few more added. I took that as a good sign.
I removed my coat, tossing it onto a kitchen chair. I sat on the couch, and she chose the stiff winged-back chair facing me. The tension bouncing between us could be cut with a knife.
“You haven’t responded to my texts or calls,” I said, not bothering with small talk. “I just wanted to be sure you were okay.”
She gave me a sad smile. “No, Vaughn. You wanted to be sure I was safe, which I was.”
I immediately read into her response. “But, you’re not okay?”
“Are you?” she countered.
“No. I’m not. I’m far from okay, Haven.” Her gaze remained impassive, sparking a flash of anger to roll through me. Opposite how I’d thought she’d react, no fiery response came because of my curt tone. Instead, sadness continued to emanate from every part of her… especially her eyes. “You do understand why I was angry with you?” I asked, softening my tone.
“Of course, I do. You were right to be angry with me.” She suddenly stood and came to sit beside me. Tears welled when she took one of my hands between both of hers. “I’ve done a lot of thinking since Sunday. You were also right about me always being the savior to your unorganized world. And as I said a few days ago, I liked being your savior. It gave me a purpose in your life. But, it gave me an unhealthy purpose, Vaughn. Me working for you is a problem. I can’t always be putting out fires for you.”
I considered what she said and couldn’t find it in me to disagree. It was a problem. Now that we were romantically together, I could foresee our professional relationship fucking things up for us. “You’re right. So, in that case, you’re fired. Problem solved.”
She stood and walked over to her desk and picked up a folded piece of paper. “I was going to drop this off while you were on the air,” she said stepping closer to hand it to me.
I unfolded it, and my eyes danced along the words—resignation… two weeks notice… replacement.
“I accept your resignation.” Tossing the letter on the coffee table, I took her hand and pulled her back down to sit beside me. “You’re more to me than an assistant, Haven. If you working for me is no longer something you want, you won’t get an argument. I want you to be happy.”
“Thank you, but that’s not the only problem, Vaughn. Things are different between us now, and I’m to blame.”
“Haven. It’s over, and I want to move on and forget it happened.”
“I do, too. Yet, I can see something in your eyes that I never saw before. You’re guarded now, and that kills me, Vaughn. You have a shield up that I put there.”
I didn’t like where this was going. I knew her like a book, and in the three days we were apart, she managed to come to some fucked up conclusion on her own. I could see it in the way she looked at me. Missing was the warmth in her chocolate brown eyes. Today, they looked hollow and lifeless. Gone was the spunk in her expression, the tease in her smile.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“Vaughn, you yourself said I was different to you now… and that is problem number two.”
“I said that in anger.”
“No, you said that from your heart.”
“You’re wrong. Come back home with me tonight. We’ll figure it out.” I clutched her to my body, not bothering to hide the desperation I felt. She pushed out of my hold and choked back a sob. “What? Talk to me.”
“I think I need to go back to California. We haven’t been apart in ten years.”
“No, Haven. You belong here, with me.”
“Vaughn, I have no idea who I am if I’m not with you.”
“You’re my best friend, my love, my heart. Haven, I need you.”
A small smile played on her lips, contradicting the tears that slowly rolled over her cheeks. “See, that’s our biggest problem, Vaughn. You and I both know you need me, but never once have you said you wanted me.”