I’m dreaming of bright green eyes when I’m awoken by a deep, worried voice.
“Wake up.”
Am I still dreaming? It’s his voice and I’m drawn to it, but I can’t see him.
“Alice, come on, Joel needs you.”
My eyes shoot open and Damon is leaning on the bed beside me. He’s as pale as dust and I can almost taste his fear.
I jump out of bed and run through to Joel’s room. Maggie is already with him and he is struggling to breathe.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, moving to his other side.
I climb on the bed and hold his hand, careful not to get in Maggie’s way.
“An ambulance is on the way, I’ve got him comfortable. Go and get dressed.”
Gone is her soft, kind tone. She’s serious and that means this is serious.
I’m moving before she has the chance to tell me again. I slip into the jeans I wore yesterday and throw on a jumper from my case. Everything is happening so fast, Damon is standing by the door waiting on the paramedics and I slip my boots on and go back to Joel.
“How long ago did you call the paramedics?” I ask, starting to panic.
“They should be here any…”
They are bursting through the door before she can finish, and one firmly moves me out of the way.
A solid wall of warmth appears behind me and a strong hand squeezes my shoulder. I’m thankful he doesn’t try to offer sentiments because I don’t think I would hear them.
They’ve always been meaningless to me anyway, I know it’s the thought that counts but they don’t change anything.
Maggie is briefing the medics and before I can keep up, they are transferring Joel onto a stretcher.
He looks so pale and small under the oxygen mask and instead of letting tears of fear release, I can feel ice creeping its way through my veins. I’m frozen with fear. This can’t be it, it just can’t be.
For a fraction of time, everything stops. I don’t see anything, but me and Joel sitting in the bedroom at our first foster home. I don’t hear anything, apart from him asking where our mum was. I feel nothing, but the sorrow of loneliness.
Then everything speeds up and the lights in the hotel are brighter than usual, and people move out of the way as the medics take him down.
My body moves on auto pilot, I stay close to him and Damon stays close to me.
I’ve heard of life flashing before your eyes in a near death experience, but I haven’t heard about life passing in flashes. One moment we were in Joel’s room, the next we were in the lobby, now we’re outside on the curb and I’m being told I can’t ride in the ambulance.
He can’t go alone. Maggie’s in there but she isn’t his family, he barely knows her.
“Come.”
I hear Damon, but I’m stood there watching the ambulance speeding off into the night.
Then I’m in the back of the car and Harry is driving. He isn’t wearing his usual sharp suit, he’s dressed down in jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t know why I’m noticing these things, they don’t matter at all.
“Why were you and Maggie in his room in the middle of the night?” I ask, looking down at his hand in mine.
“He couldn’t sleep so we were talking, then he asked for Maggie.”
“Why didn’t he ask for me?”
He knows I’ll always be there when he needs me.
“He wanted the nurse…he’s going to be fine,” he adds.
“How can you say that? We’re on the way to the hospital.”
“The tour isn’t over yet. He hasn’t come all this way to fall now.”
I wish I was as optimistic as he, but as usual, I fear the worst.
The next moment, we are manoeuvring around the hospital and it feels like a lifetime before we come across Maggie waiting outside a private room.
I let go of Damon’s hand and walk faster towards her.
“How is he? Is he…”
“He has to have a blood transfusion, his white cells…”
I tune her out, I know all too well what’s happened, this has happened twice before. Behind Maggie is a window into his room and it breaks my heart all over again to see him hooked up to machines.
He’s been doing so well lately, I was starting to believe this tour was good for him. How wrong could I be.
I believed it because I needed to, and I let my guard fall and I let him down. I should’ve expected this, I should’ve been ready.
The sensible and responsible side of me kicks back in and practical Alice returns.
“I need to find out what his medical insurance covers. I need to find a doctor.”
“I’ve got it covered, you don’t need to worry about anything.”
“He’s my responsibility…”
“While you’re both here, you’re my responsibility and I said I’ve got it covered.”
I find myself leaning against him and he wraps his arms around me.
“Thank you,” I manage to whisper.
This is the first time during a hospital visit we’ve had someone here for us and it’s nice.
If I close my eyes, it’s like being back home. Joel lying in a hospital bed and me sitting beside him, resting my head on the edge of his bed. Damon went to find a doctor but that was a while ago and he hasn’t returned.
I run my finger along his forearm. I used to do this when we were younger when he was afraid to close his eyes in case I was gone when he opened them. I spent many nights waiting for him to fall asleep, running my finger along his arm so he knew I was still there.
“Alice…”
Lifting my head, Joel’s eyes are fluttering open and his face sinks when he realises where he is.
“Water,” he huskily asks for.
I pour a glass from the jug a nurse brought in not long ago and guide the straw to his mouth. He doesn’t take much, and I put the glass down.
“How do you feel?”
“Like I’m dying,” he tries to joke.
I sit back down and drag the chair closer to his side.
“So not funny, little brother.”
He sighs heavily and admits, “I hoped I wouldn’t have to see another hospital.”
“What do you mean?”
“After I got my wish and Damon arranged for Maggie to come too, I told myself she would be enough. I don’t want to be in these places anymore.”
“They help you, Joel. Don’t be so silly.”
“They help me live a few measly days,” he snaps, “Before we came out here, we knew I only had weeks left. I don’t want to go back to England, life is good here. If Maggie can’t help me, then let me go.”
“No,” I blurt out without having to think about it.
He’s always been able to speak about the end, but this is different. He would joke about dying after he was diagnosed, but he had a fire in him not to let it define him or give up without a fight. This talk sounds like he’s giving up.
I swipe a stray tear away and then hold my face in my hands, keeping it hidden in my sleeves. The tears soak through the jumper and when I lift my head, Joel has tears of his own.
My first instinct is to wipe his away and forget about my own.
“I’m tired of hospitals, I’m tired of needles and I’m tired of fighting every day to see the next. I’m tired, Alice.”
“I know you are, but you’re not a quitter, Joel Butler…”
“It’s not about quitting,” he snorts, “I can’t fight something that is more powerful than me. I’ve done it for as long as I can, when I fight it takes every ounce of energy I have left. I’m ready to go with the flow, no more fighting it, when the time comes, I’m ready.”
“Please,” I sob, “don’t talk like this.”
“Promise me you won’t bring me back here and we’ll never have to talk about it again.”
“The tour isn’t over…”
“It doesn’t matter, I’ve had my wish and I’ve got you. I don’t need anything else. Promise me, Alice.”
I grip onto his hand and press my lips to his perfect hand that could have done so much in this world but was never given the chance and I refuse to look at him.
“Alice.”
“I swore I would always look after you, I won’t give up on you.”
“Look at me.”
I keep my head down, afraid if I see the conviction in him I’ll lose the tiny piece of strength that is holding me together.
“I’m not giving up, and nor would you be. It’s time we fully accept the inevitable because it’s coming for us real soon. I know you don’t want me to leave, I wouldn’t think any less of you if you promise not to bring me back here. I’m the only one who knows your heart, I can hear it breaking sometimes, I hear it now, but it will hurt more if you keep believing I’ll live longer than I was given, or I’ll somehow find a cure.”
He sounds so grown up, I give him the respect he deserves and lift my head. For once, I don’t wipe away the tears.
“Don’t ask me to ready myself of losing you, but…I promise, I won’t bring you back here.”
The room spins around me, and Joel’s sigh of relief is another crack in my heart.
“Thank you.”
I barely hear him over the rushing in my ears. I let go of his hand and push out of the chair.
“Damon went to find a doctor, I’m going to see where he got to.”
We both know I need to get out of here. I walk on numb, shaking legs. My chest heaves as my breathing becomes too fast. My vision becomes a blur.
Once I’m out of sight of Joel, I cling to the wall and fall to the floor. He wants me to give up on him and I agreed.
I want to scream, no, I need to scream, I need to do something to unleash this pain crippling me, but nothing comes out. Silent sobs, heavy tears, they weigh me down and I can’t find my way up.
“It’s okay…shhh…I’m so sorry for you both…”
I hear him in the midst of the pain, I feel his body surrounding mine, and I smell his faint cologne. I’ve never needed someone as much as I’ve come to need Damon. I cling to him and let him hold me.
“He wants to stop fighting,” I sob into his chest, “And I promised him I wouldn’t bring him back to these places.”
He strokes my hair soothingly and presses his lips to my head.
“He knows what he wants, it sucks, but for him, it’s something he can control. You have to let him have this.”
I sit up and Damon keeps me close.
“Do you understand what he asked me? If we don’t get him to a hospital when he needs it, he’ll die, and I’ve just given him my word he won’t ever see a hospital again.”
“You see the hospital as a lifeline, Joel sees it as the root of his pain. He wants you to listen to him, and understand he wants to control how it ends.”
Falling against Damon, he wraps his arms around me and we sit there on the cold floor in the hospital, coming to terms with the fact that my brother has made the biggest decision of his life.
“Damon, how is he?”
Over Damon’s shoulder, River and Freddie are walking briskly towards us and Damon stands and helps me up with him.
“He’s doing okay now, he woke up a few minutes ago. Where’s Baz?” he asks them.
“He decided to stay at the hotel, he asked that we keep him updated,” River says.
“You should go in and see him, he’ll be happy to see you. I’m going to get some air,” I say, already detaching myself from Damon’s side.
“I’ll come with you, we can see if we can find some decent coffee on our way back,” Damon offers, and I don’t know if I’m pleased or not.
My first instinct is to tell him I’ll be fine, to go and see Joel with the guys, however, being near him calms me in a way only my dad used to.
Damon tells River and Freddie what room Joel is in and takes my hand. I don’t remember walking in the hospital, so Damon leads the way and I bask in the fresh air when it hits my face.
There’s a small bench to our left and my legs are moving towards it before I know where I want to go.
I’m glad Damon leaves a small gap between us. Looking at him with his bright green eyes twinkling under the street lamps, I wonder how he knows me so well. He’s close when I need him close and he gives me space when I need it without having to ask for it.
“Back home, when Joel was in the hospital, I’d go for air when I needed to cry and wanted to hide it from him. I’d see other people smoking or on the phone. I’d watch them seeking comfort and I used to stand there doing nothing. I don’t smoke, and I had no one to call.”
“Are you trying to say you’re glad I’m around?” he grins.
Through the hell that is tonight, I manage a weak laugh in the darkness and again, I am full of wonder when it comes to this man beside me.
“I guess I am.”
“I know why it’s hard for you to admit that, but it fucking frustrates me after everything I’ve done that you don’t believe me when I tell you I’m here for you both.”
“To be fair, I’ve only known you for a few weeks, we’ve had social workers longer than that and I never believed a word they told us.”
“I get that, I do, but you’ll see when I’m still around.”
Maybe I will and most likely, I won’t.
I’m not naïve. The tour will come to an end and Joel and I will return home. We have our lives and Damon has his. As much as I like having them around now, I know the two worlds would never mix under any other circumstance.