Damon
She should’ve said more about what she done for Joel, not us. She sits beside me and without thinking about it, she takes hold of my hand again and smiles up at me through her wet lashes.
“Strangers are here for him, but no mother sits here.”
In my eyes, Alice was a mother to him. She couldn’t have done more for him than any mother who had given birth herself. Before I can tell her that, she says, “Thank you.”
“For what?” I whisper as the vicar continues the service.
“For everything. I’m glad you’re here for Joel, and me.”
It’s the first time she’s admitted she needs me and while I don’t like the circumstances, it feels good that she’s letting her walls fall a little.
“I told you, I’m here for you, always. Hopefully one day, you’ll believe me.”
“I believe you.”
I squeeze her hand in mine and then let go to wrap my arm around her. She leans into me and my blood rushes knowing what is coming soon. I press my lips on the top of her head and inhale her coconut shampoo. I have missed her something bad since she left, and it was only because I knew it wasn’t the end, I let her go. It’s been hell waiting for this day and now it’s here, it’s filled with bitter-sweet intentions.
“Now, Damon Coleman has something he would like to share.”
The vicar steps away from the podium and I quickly kiss Alice before letting her go. River takes my place and holds her as she wonders what the hell is going on now. I pull out my notebook and flick to the pages securing a letter that changed my life as I stand at the podium.
“My name is Damon Coleman, and I was lucky enough to become Joel’s friend. Before I met Joel, I’d lost my love for music. I couldn’t write new material and I had lost the connection to our old songs. Each day blurred into the next and nothing made sense to me. Then I received a letter from a young man who had a wish. His words scorched my soul and I knew I had to meet this kid from England.”
Everything I’ve just said the band already knows and Alice doesn’t. I told her once his wish would all make sense and today is that day.
“His sister believes the first time I met Joel was in the hospital before they joined us on our tour two months ago, but it wasn’t the first time we made contact. Through the ‘Wish for You’ charity, Joel and I spent hours on the phone and talking on video calls. You see, his wish was selfless, but it needed a plan. I’d like to share his letter with you, so you can hear for yourselves.”
I look at Alice and she is now on the edge of her seat.
“He wrote…Dear Mr Coleman, my name is Joel Butler. I am seventeen years old and I live in London, England, and I am your biggest fan. If I could, I would go all around the world just to go to your shows. My sister used to say I was too young, and now she says I’m too sick. I have Leukaemia and because it’s terminal, I get to make a wish. They say they’ll try to make it come true, but you’re the only one who can make this happen. I know you write your own music, and it’s your lyrics that have kept me from going insane while I’ve been stuck in hospital. I’ve watched all your interviews on YouTube and you always make people smile and laugh. So, this is my wish, I want to see my sister smile again. Not the forced smiles she puts on for me, but her smile that lets me know she’s really okay. I’ve tried myself, but all she sees is the cancer.”
I have to stop for a moment, this kid broke my heart with his words the first time I read them and it’s happening all over again reading them aloud.
“After our dad died, our mum didn’t want us and put us into care. We were lucky and were always kept together. Alice was the one who stayed by my side and held my hand when I scared of all the new people. She taught me how to do my tie for school after asking one of her teachers to teach her, so she could help me. She was always there at the school gates at home time, so I didn’t have to walk to whatever home we were staying at alone. She has been my sister, my mother, my father and my best friend. She’s given me everything and she never asks for anything in return. Before I got ill, she smiled all the time and she was funny, always making me laugh when I was sad. Now she’s the one who’s sad and I can’t make her laugh. Please, help me find my sister’s smile, I don’t want to die forgetting what it looks like. Your biggest fan, Joel Butler.”
Alice shoots up onto her feet and her chest heaves struggling to breathe. River stands beside her and I carry on.
“After everything life had to throw at him, all he needed to go peacefully was a simple smile from the one person he loved so much. I’m happy to tell you all, he got his wish a hundred times over. It was an honour to help Joel fulfil his wish, to be in his presence and to be his friend. He will always be in my heart and with me when I write.”
I finish and go over to Alice. She looks at me like she’s seeing someone she’s never met before and then throws her arms around me.
“Will you tell me everything later?” she asks.
“Yes.”
She sits with me and the service ends with Joel’s song drifting through the speakers.
“I hope you don’t mind, River swapped the last song for this.”
“It’s perfect,” she whispers and another tear falls.
As the song comes to an end, the church begins to empty. It doesn’t take long before it’s left with the people who personally knew Joel.
I hang back with the guys while she speaks to Joel’s friends and then with the vicar.
“Are you still going to ask her?” River asks.
“I’m going to talk to her first, then if it’s right, I’ll ask.”
“She’s doing better than I expected, I thought it’d be too hard for her to deal,” Freddie puts in.
I look over to her and she catches me watching her. She smiles weakly and turns back to the vicar.
“I think it helped having everyone here for him.”
I watch as she walks over to the casket and places her hand on top. Her lips move softly but I’m too far away to hear a word she says.
Tears begin to fall again, but she’s smiling too. Her heart is broken, and half her life is in that casket, but she’s still the most beautiful creature in this world.
Something catches her eye behind me and her smile turns into a sneer. Before I can turn to see what’s happening, she is walking down the aisle. A woman clutching a purse to her chest braces herself and stands from the back row.
“I better go see what’s going on,” I murmur, already heading for Alice.
“You do not get to be here. Leave, now,” I hear Alice snap as I walk up behind her.
I’ve never heard this tone from her before, even when I tried my best to piss her off.
I stand closer to Alice, but I don’t think she knows I’m here.
“I had to come…”
“No,” she cuts her off, “You had to raise two children. You didn’t do that and gave up your right to be mourn him.”
Oh shit, this is their mom.
“I wasn’t strong, your dad…”
“Don’t say his name,” Alice screams, and I hold her back, “I begged you to go and see Joel when you had the chance and you still didn’t care. You don’t get to care now. He hated you, you know. He referred to you as, her, because he couldn’t bear to call you mum.”
Again, I’ve not heard this new tone from Alice. She sounds cruel and twisted, purposefully hurting this woman, not that I don’t agree. The woman starts to tear up and this angers Alice further.
“Don’t you dare cry for him now you, selfish bitch. If you knew him like a mother should know her son, you’d know he hates it when people cry.”
“I’m so sorry, Alice.”
“That’s real nice, it makes me feel so much better hearing you’re sorry,” she spits out sarcastically, “If life was fair, it would be you in that casket and Joel and I wouldn’t be here to say goodbye.”
The woman sobs and starts to leave.
“Joel was afraid I’d turn out like you after he was gone. Even though it hurts so much, I’m going to live and find happiness every day. I’ll be nothing like you, I’ll make sure of it.”
She’s breaking this woman in front of us and unleashing years’ worth of built up hatred.
“He was holding my hand when he passed, I have his memories to get me through, you have nothing. Every tear you shed isn’t for him, it’s your guilt for failing him. I can’t believe you have the cheek to show up here, not when you don’t know the first thing about him. I hope you never forget my words, like we never forgot how you dumped us. He died hating you, and when my time comes, even if it’s a hundred years from now, I will die hating you too.”
The woman runs out and Alice is left shaking in anger.
“How dare she show up,” she seethes, staring at the door.
“She knew she wasn’t welcome, that’s why she stayed at the back. Forget about her for now, don’t let her ruin today,” I urge, taking her hand in mine.
At every turn she surprises me, she never acts the way I expect her to. Her inner strength shines from her in waves and touches everyone around her. Her sheer determination and loyalty to her beliefs and the ones she loves are admirable. Every day I learn something new about her and I fall that much deeper for her. She’s what I need in my life and I’m determined to keep her.
She couldn’t possibly suffer any more than she is now, yet she insists on walking down the street, thanking people for coming out for Joel. She puts her mother out of her mind and focuses on Joel, once again.
None of the women I’ve been with have needed me, they’ve all wanted me, but never needed me. I want Alice to feel both about me. Only, I doubt she’ll ever admit to needing me, she’d see it as a weakness.
“We’re going back to the hotel, we need a drink,” Freddie tells me, and I look at him and the rest of my brothers.
“Okay, I’m going to wait this out. She needs to talk to these people, it’s good for her.”
“Cool, call us later and let us know what’s happening, good luck” River says, and I shake each of their hands.
As they walk to the car, I walk over to Alice and listen to her speak with a young girl. She’s sick herself and I presume it’s her mother standing behind her wheelchair.
“Joel has been my reason to smile,” she tells Alice.
“He’d be happy to hear that.”
“I don’t have too long myself and I know what it feels like to have your family struggling to be happy. I don’t want them to forget me, but I don’t want their lives to stop when mine does. Don’t feel guilty for living, live more for you and Joel.”
Alice holds her hand and smiles.
“You speak wise words, you would’ve gotten on great with my brother,” she chuckles.
I stay by her side as she makes her way through the masses and I notice she becomes more relaxed after speaking to each person.
The cold England winds start to whip around us, and it begins drizzling with rain. Harry pulls up and opens the back door. I wait for Alice to climb in before I follow her and relish in the warmth of the car.
The ride is quiet and when we stop outside her house, I wait for her invitation to go inside. I don’t think I’ll be able to leave her again if she doesn’t.
“Can you come in, or do you have to go?”
I could laugh at her, but I don’t. For a smart woman, her insecurities dumbfound me.
I throw open the door and help her out. She digs around for her keys and I send Harry back to the hotel.
Her street is quaint and lined with tiny houses. Her front yard is tiny, there are only two windows on the front of the house, everything is fucking small. It’s more like a hobbit house.
She opens the door and I follow her inside. The place wreaks of bleach and nothing is out of place. I’d bet all my money she’s been cleaning non-stop to keep herself busy.
She leads me through to the kitchen and busies herself discarding a bucket of water down the sink. The bucket and a mop I missed on the way in is quickly put away in a cupboard, satisfied with herself, she shrugs out of her coat and hangs it behind the door.
“Alice.”
“Damon.”
We both chuckle, and I wait for her to speak first, sitting down at the table.
“What you and the guys did today,” she pauses and shakes her head, “it was beautiful.”
“Joel had a lot to say about it.”
“When? I mean, how? Actually, I don’t know what I mean, just tell me how this happened.”
She sits facing me and I tuck the loose strands of hair that have fallen out of her bun behind her ear. I’ve missed seeing this face every day, I need a clear view of it today.
“Joel knew you too well, he knew you’d leave alone and he knew you’d plod along doing the bare necessities to survive. The kid knew his shit and you did everything he said you would. He left you those messages to get you through and remind you it’s not what he wanted.”
“How long have you been here?”
“I flew in with Joel, I’ve been staying at the hotel in town. I wanted to be close to you and give you your space. I could let you go because I knew it wouldn’t be the last time I saw you.”
She looks around her kitchen and it gives me a chill when her gaze falls on me. I never know what she’s thinking or planning next.
“I’m tired, Damon. I’ve spent years keeping people away because they end up hurting us, I pushed you away when you did nothing but try to help us. It wasn’t fair and I’m sorry. When I saw you walking in the church, I thought you couldn’t possibly do anymore for us, but it turns out you already had. You gave Joel the one thing I struggled to do…”
She exhales a rush of breath before carrying on, “Because of you, Joel had everything.”
I lean forward and pull her chair closer to mine.
“It was an honour.”
Her eyes fall to her lap and she starts picking at her dress, which shouldn’t look as hot as it does in these circumstances.
“Talk to me, Alice, tell me what you want,” I push her.
Before Joel passed on, I broke through her walls and she came to me when she needed support. She feels something for me and I’ll force it out of her if she makes me.
“I don’t know…”
“Yes, you do, but it’s fine, I’ll do it for you. Even though you’re lost without Joel, and you miss him like crazy, you like me and you like being around me. You want to see where we go and what kind of life we could have if you let yourself be happy. Your heart knows I won’t let you down, but you follow your head that’s been programmed over the years not to trust anyone…”
“Please, stop,” she sighs, and I do.
“I’m done waiting for you to come to me, you want me and I’m going to tell you what’s going to happen next,” I say, making her smile.
“Oh yeah, and what’s next?”
“Firstly, you’re going to ask me to stay here tonight so I can help you pack. Tomorrow morning, Harry will pick us up and we’ll meet the guys at the airfield. You’re going to trust me to take care of you and you’re going to trust that I’m not going anywhere without you.”
“And where will we be flying to?”
“I’m taking you everywhere.”
Her eyes don’t glisten with tears, they don’t fall to her lap, they settle on me and give me hope.
“If there’s one person you ever trust again, trust me,” I plead.
“I already trust you. Damon Coleman, will you stay tonight and help me pack? Although, what do you pack for a trip everywhere?”
If I have my way, everything, because she won’t be returning to England.