Joel got his way and was discharged from the hospital late last night. Slate posted on his page on his behalf informing his followers he had been hospitalised and he has been inundated with messages from well-wishers ever since.
Freddie, Baz and River are closed away with him in his room and I impatiently wait in the living area staring out the window. I should be admiring the view, but it means nothing to me at the moment. There’s no beauty in this cruel world.
Damon has been staying close to me since my breakdown in the hospital, always in arms reach of me. He sits on the arm of the chair and occasionally I get the over whelming urge to fall on his lap.
“I should take him home, you’ve done so much for him but he’s holding up the tour.”
The band has missed two shows over the last five days and while they assure me their fans will eventually get a show, I still feel bad and so does Joel.
“He’s one of us now, if he goes back so do we. Plus, it’s not what he wants. He wants to stay.”
“I know what he wants, I’m talking about what he needs.”
“We could be in space and I will always make sure he has what he needs. But, we both know it’s not a case of what he needs now, it’s about how you spend what time you have left together and easing his pain.”
A slow building ache planted itself in my temples three days ago and I press my fingers against them to take the pressure away. It doesn’t help.
My eyes hurt, they’re bright red and swollen. Damon had an ice pack brought up to the room, but it hasn’t helped.
“There’s only three shows left. One week is all he’s asking for, Alice. Please don’t take it away from him,” he pleads.
“Tell me what’s so important about the last show.”
He reaches for my hand, and pulls me onto his lap. He wipes a tear away and smiles.
“It’s his eighteenth birthday.”
“He isn’t strong enough to go to your shows, Damon.”
He drops his forehead against my arm and I find myself running my fingers through his hair. It’s much softer than it looks.
“I’ll talk to him and ask him to stay behind for the next two shows, if you don’t stop him from coming to the last one?”
“Okay.”
I can deal with that.
Every day a new splinter etches it way across my heart. They are getting deeper and deeper and when Joel agreed to sit out for two shows, my heart nearly smashed into a thousand pieces. Him agreeing not to go, is him admitting he can’t. He didn’t argue with Damon or me when we walked into his room and told him about our compromise. There was no fight in him like there was when I didn’t want him to come on this tour in the beginning. He didn’t try to talk us around, he simply agreed it was for the best.
During the first concert in Las Vegas, we stayed in the hotel room with Maggie and watched comedies. Tonight, Joel is asleep in his room and Maggie is in her room catching up on sleep while I watch over Joel.
It’s getting late, Damon said he would come straight back after the show and I really need him here now. He has the ability to talk me down and keep me calm, to think a little clearer and make sure I spend time with Joel, not just worry about him.
We’ve been alone for so long, I hate that I need Damon’s presence around me and I’ve only known him for just over five weeks.
It’s three days till Joel’s birthday and I honestly don’t know if he’s going to make it. It’s easy to believe everyone when they tell me he will be because I want it to be true, so desperately.
We have been through so much, but we’ve always been together. It’s hitting me hard that it’s going to be me only. Joel is the only family I have left and when he’s gone, he’ll never come back, and I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s too real to deal with.
A pain shoots across my chest and I gasp fighting for a lung filling breath. Everything hurts, and I can’t breathe. Tears fall as I have no choice but to take short, rapid breaths and I lean on the back of the couch.
The door opens, and a huge bouquet of flowers are the first thing I see come in. They fall to the carpet and Damon rushes over.
“What’s happened? Where’s Joel?” he demands, taking hold of my shoulders.
I can’t speak.
His hold softens, and he stares into my eyes, “Breathe with me,” he urges.
He inhales and exhales long and slow, he does this until I’m doing it with him. I lock eye contact with him and the pain eventually subsides, and I shudder.
“Is Joel…”
I can’t let him finish so I cut in, “He’s sleeping. It’s me. I started panicking. I’m not ready to let him go, I’m just not.”
He pulls me flush against him and I embrace him in every way I can. I don’t know why, but he seems to understand.
“Will you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. Wait here.”
He lets me go and sits me on the sofa. He disappears into my room and comes back out with pillows and the cover and drops them by Joel’s door. Next, he pulls off cushions from the chairs and the sofa after I move.
He takes it all quietly into Joel’s room and starts making a bed up on the floor at the end of Joel’s bed.
Since I’m already dressed for bed, he lays me down and whispers he’ll be back in a minute.
The make shift bed isn’t too uncomfortable, and I quickly sit up and check on Joel. He’s sleeping soundly, and I lay back down as Damon returns dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of shorts.
I move the cover back for him and it doesn’t scare me to sleep beside him. It feels right. He gets himself comfortable and I roll around and he holds me from behind.
“I’m so fucking sorry this is happening to you both. I want you to know I think you’re the strongest woman I know, and beautiful, and kind and caring. You’re every bit the mother he never had and there should be more people like you. I’m falling hard for you, and I know you’re not ready for me and I accept that, if you accept I’m going nowhere without you. When you’re ready I’ll be waiting. You can try and push me away, you can build your walls higher than ever, but I’ll never stop climbing to get back to you.”
I turn around to face him, I need to see his beautiful face that match his beautiful words.
“I really, really like hearing that.”
He brings his hand up and brushes his knuckles across my cheek.
“Try and get some sleep, I’ll be right here, and I’ll keep an eye on Joel.”
I roll back over and concentrate on the beat of his heart against my back. It beats strong and steady and sends me into a peaceful sleep.