CHAPTER THIRTEEN
October 9
“ROCK THE BLADE, LIV.” TYLER WILKES pauses beside my station.
“Sounds like the name of a chef’s concert series.” I shoot him a grin. “Rock the Blade, fronted by Chef Tyler Wilkes on the sauté pan.”
“Funny. Now pay attention to what you’re doing.”
I turn back to chopping chives. The voices of my fellow students and their occasional laughter rises around me and Tyler. Oil sizzles in pans, blades thwack against cutting boards, oven doors open and close.
It’s all become pleasant and very welcome over the past weeks, a familiar cadence that soothes all my tangled, barbed-wire thoughts.
“Careful.” Tyler steps closer. “Move it backward to get ready for the next stroke.”
He puts his hand over mine on the knife handle, then takes my other hand and places it against the top of the blade. He’s done this often since that first time when I kind of freaked out. Now I’m used to his hands-on guidance, and I appreciate it because he shows me exactly how to do it right.
“This stabilizes the cutting board,” he explains. “Now rock the blade up and down without moving the tip. Keep it in the same position, and let the knife do the work.”
He guides my hands into the rhythm. It’s easy and satisfying to feel the sharp blade chopping the chives into uniform pieces.
Tyler steps back to watch me. “Good. Got all your mise en place?”
“Yes, Chef.”
“Remember the chicken breast won’t take long to cook. Give it a good sear, then finish it in the oven.”
“Got it.”
He watches me chopping herbs for a couple more minutes before he nods with approval. “Nice work, Liv. Told you I’d make a chef out of you yet.”
He winks and smiles, which makes a pleasant warmth glow through me. Even at almost thirty years of age, I apparently still have the urge to earn the teacher’s approval.
At the end of class, we sample our own dishes and everyone else’s. My chicken turned out dry and, according to Tyler, under-seasoned, but overall it’s not a bad dish. At least it’s edible.
“How do you feel?” Tyler stops by my station again when we’re cleaning up and getting ready to leave.
“How do I feel?” I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“Yeah. About your cooking skills. You were pretty shaky about your abilities at first. Since it’s been a few weeks now, I was wondering how you feel. Are you enjoying yourself?”
Hmm.
“I don’t know if enjoy is the right word,” I admit. “I mean, it’s frustrating when I can’t even crack an egg properly. But that soufflé did taste good, right? And I’m learning a lot.”
“Are you practicing at home?”
“Sometimes,” I say, then add, “though honestly, it’s so much easier to pick up a roasted chicken on the way home.”
“Not nearly as good, though,” Tyler says, “for your tastebuds or your soul.”
“I don’t think cooking is the best thing for my soul right now.” I’m surprised that I admitted such a thing, but Tyler only tilts his head and looks at me consideringly.
“What is, then?” he asks.
Fixing my marriage.
I shrug and scrub at the spotless counter. The insane thing is, I want to say the words aloud. I want to tell him that things are tough right now, that my marriage is rocky, that I’m doubting both my husband and myself.
And that it hurts.
I lift my head to look at him. He’s watching me with curiosity in his blue eyes. His blond hair flops over his forehead. I find myself staring at his mouth, then jerk my gaze back down to the counter.
“Friends?” he asks.
I swallow. The air feels different, charged with something I’m not used to, something not right, something I should reject.
“They’re good for one’s soul,” Tyler says.
“Yes,” I agree. “And maybe food?”
He grins. “Any time you want, Julienne is open. I’ll cook you a meal that’ll make your soul sparkle again.”
That, I think, is a meal I’d love to eat.
Today’s Saturday. Dean wakes me up early and tells me to get dressed for a hike. It’s been ages since we’ve gone hiking at dawn, and I struggle with the urge to burrow back under the covers.
“Come on, beauty. Let’s talk.”
I push the comforter aside and peer at him. He looks serious, but not angry. Given our recent discord, the thought of spending a couple of hours hiking with him is appealing. So lured by the hope that we will find our way back to each other, I haul myself out of bed to dress and eat a quick breakfast.
We put on jackets over our jeans and sweatshirts, hitch on our backpacks, and head out to hike one of our favorite trails that crests along the edge of the mountain and overlooks the lake.
“I sent you an email with my flight information for the conference next weekend,” Dean says.
“Is your paper ready?”
“Finished it last night.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“Four nights. I’ll drive to the airport and leave my car in the lot.”
I follow behind him, stepping where he steps. Some leaves still cling precariously to the tree branches. Below the rocky ridge, the lake shimmers and undulates with a light wind. We pass a couple of other hikers, but the trail is mostly ours.
By mutual agreement, we stop at the top of an outcropping of rocks and find a place to sit. We eat granola bars and drink water, enjoying the quiet and the bird’s-eye view of the lake and town.
“Since the day we met, I haven’t wanted anyone but you,” Dean says.
My heart jumps a little.
“Never looked at another woman,” he continues. “Never thought about one. It’s always been you, Olivia.”
My white knight. I reach over to squeeze his hand.
“I know.”
I’ve always known. I’ve always believed in him. That belief has been shaken in recent weeks, but my heart still knows the truth. I just have to remember to listen.
We fall silent. A breeze rustles through the leaves, and a bird hops along the path in front of us.
“You remember I told you about Helen?” Dean asks.
I turn to look at him. His gaze is on the lake, but something tense emanates from him. My stomach tightens.
“The woman you were with in grad school?” I ask.
“She wanted to get married.”
“That’s not surprising.”
“We figured we’d finish our dissertations, find jobs. Get settled first.”
“Makes sense.”
He stares at his water bottle, rolling it between his palms. “So we… well, a few times we were kind of careless with birth control.”
The knot in my stomach worsens. I don’t respond.
“She got pregnant.”
Jesus. Where is he going with this?
“And she… uh, she got rid of it,” he continues. “She was stressed out over her dissertation, working two jobs, both of us still teaching and taking classes… she thought it was a mistake.”
“She thought all that?”
“I didn’t… I mean, we’d talked about having kids someday, but after we were married. So yeah, she was right. It wasn’t… it was a lousy time. I didn’t argue. Hell, I drove her to the fucking clinic.”
I don’t know what to say. I hadn’t known this before. Is this why he’d never questioned my own lack of desire to have children?
“So you… you regretted it?” I ask.
“I don’t know. I think so. It didn’t even seem real at the time. I was… what, twenty-two? We didn’t even talk about it much. Then a year later, Helen was still working on her dissertation when she got the Stanford job. I’d done my coursework, so I went with her. She said she’d work while I finished my research. We were out there for two months before she said she wanted a baby.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t know what it was. I figured it was guilt, sorrow, family pressure… maybe a combination of all three.” He pauses and shrugs. “Helen was close to my mother and sister. I told you that.”
“Did they know about the abortion?”
He shakes his head. I see it then, an old, familiar guilt that has never fully gone away.
“Helen made me promise not to tell anyone, not that I would have,” he says. “She started her job, then I got word I’d been awarded a fellowship to study in Madrid for a year. When Helen heard about it, she flipped out. Said she’d never have taken the Stanford job if she knew I’d leave in six months, that she did it because of my parents. Then she told me she was pregnant again.”
“But you—”
“She’d stopped taking the pill. Didn’t tell me. I shouldn’t have relied on her to deal with birth control. But I did, and that’s what happened.”
“But you weren’t married. I mean, I thought your plan was marriage, then kids.”
“It was.”
“So what…” It hits me then, like a blow to the gut. “You married her, didn’t you?”
He nods, his jaw tightening. “There was a lot of pressure from our parents. I wanted to do the right thing. Thought it would work, that everyone would be glad. That it’d all fit, you know?”
My chest burns, and I have to remind myself to breathe. Part of me understands this about Dean—his intense urge to fix things, to prove himself a success, even at the expense of his own happiness.
Another larger part of me can’t process the magnitude of this revelation.
“Why… why didn’t you tell me?” My voice is tight, strained.
“Because I still don’t think of it as a real marriage.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Helen and I had gone through grad school together, we had similar career goals, on paper we were a perfect match. But it didn’t happen the way it was supposed to. It was like the plan went totally off course.”
“What happened to the baby?”
“Helen lost it at thirteen weeks. She’d told a lot of people early on. She was excited. Then when she had the miscarriage, we had to tell all those same people about it. That was rough.”
“Then what happened?” I ask, not at all certain I want to know.
“She got pregnant again four months later. Second time, she told only my parents and hers, but she lost that one at nine weeks. Third time—”
“Third time?”
He nods. “Didn’t tell anyone until she was into her second trimester, but then, fifteen weeks in… ah hell, Liv, it was all so shitty.”
“Oh, Dean.” Some of the wind goes out of me at the thought of another woman, of Dean, contending with three miscarriages.
“Yeah, well, that was it.”
“What do you mean—that was it?”
“Everything unraveled after that. She was devastated, I was convinced it all had something to do with the abortion and I blamed myself for not having stopped it… and soon neither of us could figure out why we’d gotten married in the first place.”
He shakes his head. “Helen’s parents blamed me, said I should be the one working, that I was putting her under too much stress. They were right. I wasn’t doing enough. But I didn’t know what enough was.
“Even though Helen and I both had normal genetic test results, I didn’t want to try again, thought it was too much. Helen had this idea that we needed to be a perfect couple, we had to have a baby, but we couldn’t agree on anything. Fought all the time. Finally she filed for divorce. I didn’t contest it.”
I sit there for a long time, processing what he’s just revealed.
My stomach twists sharply. Dean knows everything about me, even the black, raw parts. I’d thought I knew everything about him but ever since I brought up the idea of a baby, I’ve sensed I was missing something. Now I know my instincts were right.
I haven’t known my husband completely.
Tears sting my eyes. I blink them away.
“It was tough on Helen,” Dean continues. “Tougher than I can imagine. And I couldn’t be… what she wanted. I didn’t even know what that was. I tried… we went to counseling, I tried to get her to take a year off, offered to put my research on hold until we figured it out. All we ended up doing was fighting about work, about trying again, what our marriage should be, what it wasn’t…”
“Why didn’t your parents ever say anything?” I ask, even though I know the answer, know that this miserable failure of a marriage was just one other thing the West family would cover up with layers of brittleness and suppressed anger.
“My family doesn’t talk about the shitty stuff, Liv.”
My heart lurches. I push to my feet, an ache filling me. “And neither do you.”
“What?”
I whirl to face him. A riot of emotions spins in my head. “You’re still doing it! You spent so many years trying to fix your family, to be the hero, while all these secrets festered and none of you would acknowledge them.”
I struggle to take a breath, feel my heart beating too fast. “And you told me before we got married that you didn’t want to do that anymore. You didn’t want to try and prove yourself to them, you wanted your life to be about what you wanted…”
And you wanted me.
“But you did exactly what they did, Dean.” The tears spill over, unchecked, my spine stiffening. “Exactly what you said you didn’t want to do anymore. You buried a secret and refused to talk about it. Even with me, after all we went through. It’s the same damn pattern!”
He just stares at me. He knows I’m right.
“I understood why you did it before.” I pace a few steps, struggling to keep my breathing under control. “I got it, all right? I knew because I’d done the exact same thing, hid a secret so it wouldn’t shatter the illusion of who I was supposed to be. But now? Why in the love of God would you do this now? And to me?”
“I want to fix whatever the hell is going wrong with us, Liv.” He crumples the water bottle between his hands. “The whole mess with Helen… I couldn’t imagine having kids after that, so when you told me you didn’t want any, I… I just wanted to forget the whole damn thing.”
“You can’t forget something so horrible, Dean.” A knot fills my throat, prickles of ice erupting on my skin. “You can only use it to make you stronger.”
He stares at the ground, his fingers tight around the crushed bottle. “It was really fucking ugly, Liv. I don’t want that to happen to us.”
“Why would you think that? I’m not Helen!”
“I know!” He looks up at me. “I feel things for you that I never felt for her, which is why I can’t stand the thought of you going through what she did.”
“Telling me about it isn’t the same as me going through it.”
His jaw tenses. “You’d have been hurt anyway.”
“I’m hurt now! I’m more hurt and upset that you didn’t tell me than I’d have been if you had! God, Dean, I’m not a fragile wallflower who can’t handle anything. Don’t you know that by now? This is exactly what we went through when you tried to keep me from your family.”
“Right,” he snaps. “And look what happened to us then.”
I stare at him, my heart cracking at the bitter memory. My breath saws through the air. My pulse races.
“Liv.” Dean drops the water bottle and stands. The tension dissipates from his features and concern floods in. He grasps my shoulders. “Breathe, Liv.”
“I’m not…”
“Breathe!”
“I’m not panicking!” I shove away from him and stalk toward a grove of trees.
I pull air into my lungs and exhale slowly, aware of Dean hovering behind me, always there, always ready to anchor me to the ground.
Except this time, he’s the one who pulled it out from underneath me.
I press my hands to my eyes and struggle for control.
“Liv, please.” He sounds desperate. “It was… everything changed, you know? All for the worse. I don’t want us to change.”
Neither do I.
But I can’t bring myself to say it because beneath that wish is the hot, jagged knowledge that we already have changed.
I turn to grab my backpack. Dean closes his hand on my arm. I shake my head. He releases me and turns to pick up the water bottle and his backpack.
I head back down the trail, my chest tight with anger and hurt. He falls into step beside me.
“Liv, I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to… you know…”
I glance at him. “What?”
He’s looking off to the side, down toward the lake. A faint color crests his cheekbones. “I didn’t want you to think less of me.”
I stop in my tracks and turn to face him. “You thought I’d think less of you because you had a bad marriage? Because you… your wife lost three pregnancies?”
“No. Not because you’re the type of person who’d think like that but because you’re not.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re good, Liv.” He grips my hands, holding them both tight. “You’ve always been good. You’ve never made shitty decisions that hurt the people you love, that veer your entire life off course, that you’ll regret forever. You’ve never disappointed anyone, never failed.”
“Dean, that’s not true!” My vision blurs, all the old emotions swamping me. “I left my mother when I was thirteen, I refused to go with her again when she came back, I never told anyone about what happened to me, for months I wanted to hide from everything and everyone—”
Anger clenches his jaw. “But you didn’t. You never needed to prove yourself to anyone except yourself. You did all those things to survive.”
His hands tighten on mine, his voice intense. “You’re so damn strong, Liv, and you don’t even realize it. I’m the one who’s always had to show people I’m successful, an achiever, the best at everything I did. I’m the one who’s always been a goddamn egotist. A groveler. And you… you’re the first person who’s ever… Christ, Liv, sometimes the way you look at me makes me feel like I can hang the fucking moon.”
“Because I’ve always believed you can.”
“I know! I’ve never had to prove myself to you. And if I’d told you about the shit-storm of my marriage… ah, hell, Liv. I couldn’t stand the thought that you’d look at me any differently.”
“I…” My throat is aching. “I don’t know why you thought I would.”
“I’m sorry.” He lets go of me and drags a hand through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh. “Please believe that, if nothing else. I want… I thought if I told you, if you understood about the whole pregnancy thing… I don’t know. I want us to be okay again.”
My heart breaks a little more. Once upon a time I would never have imagined we could be anything but okay.
We don’t speak the entire way back. When we reach the place where we started, Dean pulls me to him and tucks me underneath his arm.
I move closer to him, but there’s a gap between us, my shoulder pressing into the wrong place, my body no longer fitting quite so perfectly into the space against his side.