CHAPTER SEVEN
DEAN
THE WEEKEND STRETCHES IN FRONT OF us like a desert. There’s a persistent knot in my chest. A purplish black bruise stains Liv’s breast around the site of the needle puncture. I hate the sight of it—the ugly evidence of diagnostic testing and pain. I’m worried that if I hug her too close, I’ll hurt her.
“Should we tell anyone?” Liv asks me on Sunday night, after we’ve gotten through a determinedly busy weekend of taking the kids to karate classes, swimming, an impromptu movie and dinner out, and a lot of time spent at Wizard’s Park.
“It’s your call,” I say. “Do you want Kelsey or Allie to know?”
“Kelsey’s not even home,” Liv says. “She and a few of her students drove down to Colorado for a conference. I think she said she’d be back later this week.”
“Allie?”
“No. There’s no sense worrying other people right now.”
She moves closer to me. I extend my arms and pull her against my chest.
“Still hurting?” I ask.
“No, it’s fine. Just a little sore.” Her body heaves with a shuddering sigh. “God, Dean. A week ago, I—”
“Yeah.” I press my lips against her forehead. “I know.”
Monday morning dawns with a strange combination of dread and hope. Liv, not wanting to sit around waiting for the phone to ring, takes Bella to preschool and goes to the café. I leave Nicholas at school and head to campus. If we get the results today, it likely won’t be until later this afternoon.
The familiar bustle of the university is comforting. There are no black clouds threatening the horizon. In fact, the weather is almost strangely warm for mid-November, the sun heating the air enough that people are shedding their coats. I spend the morning talking to students, answering administrative emails, and preparing for my classes.
At eleven, I gather my notes for a seminar course and manage to focus for an hour and a half on discussing Sir Gawain and the Green Knight with my students. Afterward, I stop at the main office to check my department mailbox.
“Hi, Dean.” Grace, the administrative assistant, gestures to a package on her desk. “That just came from your publisher. Looks like it might be edits for your book.”
“Great, thanks.” I pick up the package and take a few envelopes from my mailbox.
I tuck the mail under my arm and switch my phone back on to check my messages. There’s a voicemail from Liv.
My heart stutters. She never calls me when she knows I’m in a lecture or seminar.
I access voicemail. My heart pounds harder.
“Hi, it’s me.” Her voice is calm, but tense. “I just wanted to tell you that Dr. Nolan called and asked me to come in to her office. The appointment is at one. I know you have a lecture at one-thirty, but… well, I wanted to let you know. I’m heading over there now. I love you.”
I hit the call button with a shaking hand. Liv’s phone goes to voicemail, which probably means she’s driving. I look at the clock. It’s twenty to one.
“Dean?” Grace is looking at me with concern. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” I shove the mail back into the box and cross the room to Frances’s office. “Is she in?”
Grace nods. I knock on the closed door and push it open when Frances calls for me to come in. She’s at her computer, and she pauses to peer at me over the tops of her glasses.
“Frances.” I’m gripping the phone so hard my fingers hurt. I don’t even know what to tell her. No one knows about this. “I’m… uh, I need to go.”
She blinks. “Go? Don’t you have a lecture?”
“Yeah, but I’m…” I stop and clear my throat, realizing that I’ve never said the words aloud. “Liv is… she has a lump in her breast.”
“Oh, no.” Frances stares at me, her hand going to her chest.
“She had a biopsy last week, and the doctor just called with the results.” The words come tumbling out in a sudden, hard rush. “She has an appointment at one, and I… I have to go.”
“Of course.” Frances rises from behind her desk and approaches me, lines of worry creasing her forehead. “Do you know what the results are?”
“Not yet. My lecture…”
“I’ll take care of it. Where are your notes?”
“On my desk.”
“Okay, go on.” Frances pats my arm and walks with me to the door. “Stay positive, Dean. I’ll be hoping for the best.”
I know I don’t have to ask her to keep this to herself. I run to my office to get my car keys and briefcase. Outside, the sun is blinding, the campus swarming with students going to and from class. It all looks painfully normal, but the raw terror snaking through me is anything but normal.
I struggle to drive safely, tearing through a couple of red lights at the last minute and speeding down the highway to Forest Grove. By the time I pull into the parking lot of the doctor’s office, my heart is hammering and I’m almost out of breath. I hurry into the front door and veer toward the waiting room.
I stop. Liv is sitting near the windows, her head bent as she leafs through a magazine. For a second, I let the sight of her calm my fear. She’s wearing a plaid wool skirt and white shirt, with the length of her hair pulled back by a headband.
As if sensing my presence, she lifts her head and looks in my direction. Our gazes meet with a tangible force. She smiles—nervous but relieved. I approach her, reaching out to brush my fingers through the thick length of her hair.
“Hey, beauty.”
She squeezes my hand, twining her fingers through mine as I sit beside her. The scent of peaches fills the air.
“I’m glad you made it.” Liv rests her head against my shoulder. “I know you have a lecture, so I wasn’t going to call, but… well, I don’t think I can walk in there without you.”
I’m not sure I can walk in there at all.
We sit in silence. A few dust motes swim in a river of sunlight coming through the windows. The receptionist stands from behind her desk and turns to the filing cabinet behind her. There’s a framed photo of a Greek island on the opposite wall.
“Olivia?” The nurse appears at the doorway leading to the exam rooms and Dr. Nolan’s office. “Dr. Nolan is ready for you.”
For an instant, Liv doesn’t move. Then she tightens her fingers around mine and stands. Because she does, I manage to stand too.
As we walk into the doctor’s office together, the terror, anger, and uncertainty fall away. And all that’s left is the feeling of my wife’s heart beating against the palm of my hand.