CHAPTER FIFTEEN
October 19
I MAKE A TRIP OUT OF town this afternoon. We have a new exhibition opening at the museum, and we’ve ordered the signage and wall-text from a printer in downtown Forest Grove.
I volunteered to pick up the completed order. I tried to tell myself I was being helpful, that the trip had nothing to do with the fact that Tyler Wilkes’s restaurant is four blocks from the print shop.
After picking up the order, I store the materials in the trunk of my car. Then I walk that four blocks to Julienne. It’s a chilly, sunny afternoon, dried leaves brushing the sidewalks, people heading in and out of the cafés and shops.
I’m nervous, unable to shake the feeling that I’m doing something wrong. I stop outside Julienne and pull my cell phone from my satchel.
“Dean?”
“Hey. Where are you?”
“Forest Grove. I had to pick up some signs for a new exhibit.”
“Oh.” There’s some rustling of papers on the other end. “Careful you don’t hit rush hour.”
“I will… um, that’s why I’m calling. I’ll probably be late.”
“Yeah, me too. Ton of work to do, then a football game.”
“Okay. I’ll see you this evening, then.”
“Drive safe.”
I snap the phone shut and shove it back into my satchel. I stare at the calligraphic writing on the window of the restaurant. Then I turn and start walking away.
“Liv?”
Shit.
I turn. Tyler is standing at the open door, looking at me quizzically. He’s wearing his chef’s jacket. He gives me a tentative smile.
“Thought that was you. What are you doing here?”
“I was… I had to run an errand at a print shop down the street.”
He holds the door open. “Come on in. I hope you weren’t going to leave without stopping by.”
I make a show of pushing back my coat cuff to look at my watch. “Actually, it’s getting late and—”
“Come on.” He pushes the door open farther. “We close from three to five to prep for dinner, so I can show you around.”
“I don’t want to interrupt your work.”
“You won’t.” He tilts his head toward the inside. “I did say you could stop by anytime.”
Something knots in my stomach, but I walk past him into the restaurant. The interior is elegant, quiet, with perhaps forty linen-draped tables and booths, soft lighting, leather seats. Muted paintings line the walls beneath ivory-colored crown molding. A few servers walk around setting the tables.
“It’s beautiful,” I say truthfully.
Tyler smiles. “Thanks. I like it. Come on back to the kitchen.”
The hum of voices and clank of pots and pans rises as we walk to the back of the restaurant. Several chefs bustle around, checking simmering pots, peeling potatoes, scaling various cuts of fish. They give me nods of greeting when Tyler introduces me, then return to their tasks.
“We change the menu according to what’s available or in season,” Tyler explains. “Tonight we’ve added king salmon and grass-fed beef tenderloin.”
He hands me a menu. The food is impressive and mouthwatering, including seared scallops, wild mushroom salad, slow-roasted veal, and fresh apple tart.
“Sounds delicious.” I put the menu on the counter. “I’ll have to come here with Dean sometime.”
Saying my husband’s name aloud eases a little of my tension. Tyler studies me for a moment, then nods to a table near the kitchen.
“Sit down. You can sample some of what we’re serving.”
“I really can’t…”
“Come on, Liv. Aren’t you hungry?”
Well, yes, I’m hungry. I didn’t eat lunch, and it’s four in the afternoon, and I likely have a dinner of microwaved pizza in my near future.
I take off my coat and look at my watch again. “I can’t stay long.”
“It won’t take long.” He moves to pull out a chair at the table, then stops. “Wait a sec. I have another idea.”
He disappears into a backroom and returns with a chef’s jacket. He holds it out to me.
“What’s that for?” I ask.
“Come on. I’ll show you how we make a few things.”
“Tyler, you don’t have to—”
Instead of arguing with me, he goes behind me and puts the jacket around my shoulders. “We’ll make the salmon so I can show you how to fillet it.”
He returns to the kitchen. I watch him for a second, then push my arms into the jacket sleeves and button it up. The name Julienne is embroidered on the lapel. I fish in my pocket for a rubber band and fasten my hair into a ponytail, then go to wash my hands.
This is fine. I’m not going to sit there while he cooks for me. I’m going to watch what he does and learn something. Exactly like in class, just a different venue. Totally fine.
I go to where Tyler is standing. There’s a whole salmon lying on the counter in front of him, and he patiently explains all the different parts, then demonstrates how to scale and cut a perfect fillet. His movements are so fluid it’s like he’s cutting through butter.
“Your turn.” He flips the salmon over and hands me the knife.
“I’ll destroy it.”
“Liv, stop thinking that everything you try will end up a disaster,” Tyler says. “Don’t saw at it. Keep the blade tipped toward the backbone.”
I have no idea how much a salmon like this costs, but I don’t want to be the reason Tyler’s unable to serve it. Nervous again, I make the first cut near the tail.
“Don’t go through the backbone. Tilt the blade.” He puts his hand on mine to guide it. His handling of the knife is far more confident than mine, and we slice the second smooth fillet from the fish. It’s a good feeling.
Tyler shows me how to remove the bones, then preps the fillet for sautéing with braised lentils. Another chef is working on a mustard, crème-fraiche sauce, and Tyler sends me over to him. Although the other chef is working fast, he doesn’t seem bothered by having to stop and explain the technique to me.
When I return to Tyler, he shows me how to season and sear scallops.
“The less you mess with food, the better it is,” he says, stepping aside and nodding for me to put the scallops in the hot pan. “Don’t put too many in, and don’t move them around until they’re ready to be turned.”
He doesn’t coach me when to flip them, but I’m very aware of him watching as I slide a spatula under the scallops. To my relief, they’re a lovely golden brown. I know from class that it’s easy to overcook scallops, so I take them from the pan about thirty seconds before I think they’re completely cooked.
Tyler hands me a clean dish and we plate the scallops with celery-root puree, fava beans, and arugula.
“Now go and eat,” he says, nodding to the table. “Scallops can’t wait or they get rubbery.”
By now my stomach is growling, so I sit down and eat. The scallops are excellent, crispy on the outside, soft and creamy on the inside. I finish them all just as Tyler brings me the perfectly cooked salmon and braised lentils, which are melt-in-your-mouth delicious.
He pulls out the chair across from me and sits.
“Not bad, Chef,” I remark, which of course is a vast understatement.
His grin tells me he knows that. “Glad you like it.”
I wipe my mouth with a napkin. “Your dad must be really proud of you.”
“He would be.” A shadow crosses his face. “He died a few years ago.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugs. “I finally convinced my mom to sell the diner after he died. She’s living down in Florida now near my sister. I see them a couple of times a year. I’m thinking of opening a place down there someday.”
He looks at my empty plate and stands. “Hold on. One more thing I want you to try.”
A few minutes later, he returns with a warm, flourless chocolate torte adorned with raspberries and homemade coffee-bean ice cream.
“The ice cream is my favorite,” he says. “When it comes down to the basics, I’ll always pick good ice cream over anything else.”
He watches me as I eat the torte. I’m very conscious of his gaze.
“Tyler, this was amazing.” I lick the crumbs from my fork. “You didn’t have to take the time to show me so much, but I’m glad you did.”
“So am I. And I offered, remember? I was thinking we should come here as a class one afternoon. Like a field trip. So everyone can see how a restaurant kitchen runs.”
I look at him for a minute. His face is flushed from the heat of the stove, and his blond hair is ruffled. A few strands stick to his forehead. There’s a smear of chocolate on the front of his chef’s jacket.
Cute, indeed.
I pull on my coat and stand. “Thanks again. I won’t tell Charlotte I was here, though, because she’ll get jealous.”
“Charlotte doesn’t have a reason to be jealous.” He pauses. “Does she?”
“No.” I duck my head. “Of course not. I’ll, uh, see you in class.”
He walks me to the door. Before I leave, he puts a hand on my shoulder.
“Hey.”
I stop.
“Did it make your soul sparkle again?” he asks.
For some insane reason, my throat closes over. I can’t speak past the constriction. Instead I just nod and pull away from him. He lets me go.
“See you in class, Liv.”
I hurry outside and walk back to my car. It’s not until I take off my coat before getting into the driver’s seat that I realize I’m still wearing the chef’s jacket. I pull it off and stuff it underneath the seat, then head home.
I smell like olive oil, salmon, dill, chocolate. I need a shower.
My chest is tight, even though I did nothing wrong.
Did I?
At home, I drop all my things on the counter beside Dean’s keys and briefcase. The shower is running. I remember the time I’d tried to join him in the shower and encountered a locked door.
Now my chest is so tight it hurts.
I go into the bedroom. The bathroom door is open.
I fumble with the hem of my T-shirt and start to take it off, then stop. Instead I reach underneath it, unhook my bra, and toss it aside. I take off my skirt but leave my panties on.
Before I can think too much, I enter the bathroom. Steam coats the air, blurring the mirror and the shower door. The outline of Dean’s body is behind the glass, his arms raised to scrub his hair.
He turns at the sound of me opening the shower door. Water cascades down his chest. My eyes follow the rivulets down to his groin. He’s already half-erect. That alone makes my heart throb. I wonder again what he’s been thinking about, standing here naked with hot water pounding over his skin.
I’m your wife, Dean.
I don’t know if the reminder is meant for me or him. Water splashes through the open door onto me, dampening my T-shirt.
Dean’s gaze goes to my breasts. My nipples harden and tent the soft cotton. My belly starts to swirl with desire, and I reach up to rub my palm across my breasts.
Dean places one hand flat against the door and pushes it fully open.
“Get in here,” he orders.
The gruff tone of his voice pulses through me. I step inside. The water drenches me in seconds, plastering my shirt to my skin and outlining every curve. Dean closes the door hard enough to rattle the glass on its hinges, then he turns and hauls me against him.
I move my hand down to brush against his cock. “What were you thinking about?”
“You.”
“Really?”
“Porn.”
“No way.”
“No.” He slides his hand around the back of my neck and pulls me to him. “You. Really. Naked and moaning and creaming all over my prick.”
A shiver rocks me. The hard edge to his voice floods me with arousal.
His mouth crashes against mine, and lust surges like an ocean swell. I can feel the adrenaline from the football game still racing through him, the heat of his skin beneath the water.
He lifts his head. “You taste good.”
“I had… I had some chocolate.”
“Nice.”
Yeah. It was nice.
I suddenly want it rough.
Dean’s cock pushes hard against my belly, fully erect now, but when I slip my hand down to grasp him, his fingers curl around my wrist.
He twists my arm behind my back. His breath is hot against my lips. “Don’t move.”
I don’t. Except that my chest is heaving as I watch him pull back to cup my breasts, flicking the tips through the wet cotton, running his long fingers beneath them.
He turns me around so my back is to his chest, locking one arm securely around my waist. He slides his other hand over my hip and peels the shirt up to expose my white panties.
“Are you hot under here?” His fingers tangle in the elastic waistband before he pushes them halfway down my thighs.
“God, yes.”
I shudder, wanting to both part my legs and press them together to soothe the growing ache. Dean pushes the panties off me, then slips his fingers between my thighs and starts working me in exactly the way he knows I like, his forefinger trailing up one side and circling my clit before stroking down the other side.
In no time, I’m writhing against his hand, and moans echo off the shower stall. I’m hoping the hot water holds out because the whole thing feels so good—the steaming, pounding water, Dean’s exploring touch, his other arm tight around my waist. The T-shirt clings to me like a second skin, and I’m aroused by the sight of my full breasts draped in the wet cloth, my nipples hard as cherries.
Three more hard strokes from Dean, and I come with the force of an exploding star, quaking and tightening my legs around his hand. His chest heaves against my back, and then we’re tumbling out of the shower, dripping wet and not stopping for towels on the way to the bedroom.
My breasts crush against his chest as we fall onto the bed, our mouths seeking, tongues tangling. Water spills from our skin, evaporating in the carnal heat. He lifts away, his eyes hot as he stares at the shirt still plastered to my body. He pushes it up farther to expose my breasts, splaying his big hands over them, squeezing them together.
I spread my legs, my knees hugging his hips. My desire sparks all over again when his erection presses against my inner thigh. I can feel the urgency uncoiling through him. Above me, he’s all heated, damp skin and smoky eyes and I know he wants it, wants me…
I twist around, bucking him away, and get on my hands and knees. I push my ass toward him. “Do it like this.”
My voice is low and strained. This position has always been explosive for both of us, though I’ve never quite gotten used to the way it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. But right now, I want it, want the reminder of Dean’s possession and my own compliance.
Renewed arousal clenches my belly. He grabs a condom from the nightstand and rolls it on. He settles his hands on my waist, pulling me into position, and then his cock nudges at my opening. Sweat trickles between my breasts. I squeeze my eyes shut.
“Hard,” I whisper.
He tightens his hands on my hips before he slides into me with one powerful thrust. I gasp, jerking forward, wincing at the sensation of utter fullness. Dean pulls me against him and thrusts again. My nerves are on fire. I fumble for a pillow and bury my face in it, emptying my mind of all thought as he starts to pump.
“Push back.” His voice roughens with the command. “Fuck yourself on me.”
I shudder and drive my hips backward, matching his rhythm. My world distills to pure sensation—my husband’s hands gripping my body, his cock sliding in and out of me, his breath hot against my back. Tendrils of wet hair cling to my face.
My ass slaps against his flat stomach, the smack of flesh on flesh echoing in my head. The wet cotton shirt abrades my nipples and sends heat sparking over my skin. Dean’s thrusts are forceful, his groans rumbling above me.
Air scorches my lungs. He slams into me all the way, jarring me to the core, pleasure mixing with an edge of pain. My pulse pounds. I’m quaking with urgency, and he knows it because he slips a hand beneath me and splays his fingers over my aching clit.
“Tell me what you want, Liv.”
“Oh…” I twist my hips, trying to rub myself against his hand, feeling that explosion of bliss so close. “I want to come again… please, let me…”
He takes his hand away, sliding it up to my breasts beneath the T-shirt. I cry out with frustration and reach between my legs. Dean grabs my wrist and pins my hand to the bed, plunging so far inside me that my whole body shakes with the impact.
“Don’t touch yourself,” he says hoarsely. “You’ll come just from taking me deep.”
Heat floods me. My thighs tremble. I shove back in desperation, craving release. My mind fills with images of me on my hands and knees, Dean all fiery and tense behind me, his muscles corded with exertion, his chest damp with sweat. His thick, veined cock sinking into my body.
“Work for it,” he orders. “You look so fucking hot… show me you want it… harder… ah, that’s it…”
I brace my hand on the headboard and writhe shamelessly against him, pumping myself onto his shaft and urging us both toward ecstasy. My breasts sway beneath me, cries of pleasure tearing from my throat. Pressure coils around my nerves.
“Dean!” The pillow muffles my scream as I convulse around him, my inner flesh tightening. He shoves hard once more before withdrawing. A second later, he rubs his cock into the crevice of my ass. His groan shakes the air as he comes long and hard over my lower back.
Gasping, I sink onto my stomach. Dean pulls away and rolls onto the bed beside me.
We lie there wet, panting, and sweaty. Shudders continue to tremble in my blood, those tiny aftershocks of lingering pleasure.
I shift, turning onto my side. Dean is watching me, wariness dissolving the satiation in his eyes.
Jesus. Does he suspect something? Why should he? And what is there to suspect anyway? I haven’t done anything wrong.
Have I?
No, dammit, I haven’t. He’s the one who lied about his previous marriage. I haven’t lied about anything.
I sit up to pull off the T-shirt, which is no longer wet and sexy but cold and clammy. I grab my bathrobe and wrap it around me. I don’t look at him as I make an intricate knot in the belt of the robe.
“You okay?” He’s still watching me.
I don’t know how to answer that question.
“Second time I’ve caught you thinking about me in the shower,” I remark, forcing lightness into my tone. “I should walk in on you more often, if your fantasies lead to this.”
Though I’d intended it as a teasing comment, darkness flashes across Dean’s face. The first time I’d walked in on him, my fears had provoked ugly accusations and doubt.
He pushes off the bed. Tension ripples in the air between us.
“I need to finish packing.” He pulls on his boxers and goes into the living room.
I take a few breaths to calm my still-racing heart. I’m tired and confused and in no mood to go after him and dredge up all our problems. I need to figure things out myself first, which I hope I can do while Dean is at the conference.
My throat constricts. I suddenly can’t wait for him to leave.
After Dean heads to the airport, I spend the morning alone in the apartment. The strain of recent weeks is gone in his absence, and I let myself enjoy the peace and quiet.
I have a cup of coffee, read a magazine, do some laundry, clean out my closet, watch a gardening show. In the afternoon I spend a few hours at the Historical Museum, and since I’m off work at the bookstore this weekend, Kelsey calls to invite me to a Mexican restaurant for dinner.
“Is it still the baby thing?” Kelsey sits back and sips her gigantic margarita. When I don’t respond, she glances at me. “Or is something else wrong?”
“No.” I duck my head and take a long sip of my own, less-gigantic margarita. The baby thing has been overwhelmed by the former wife thing.
“We’ll work it out,” I say vaguely. “It just takes time.”
I won’t tell Kelsey what Dean told me—it’s his story to tell, after all—but she’s savvy enough to read between the lines. She piles a chip with guacamole and crunches into it.
“Whatever the deal is, Liv, the man loves you to his bones,” she says. “Even I can see that, and I’m about as romantic as a tree branch.”
“Liv?”
Kelsey and I both look up to see Tyler Wilkes approaching our table.
“Tyler.” I smile. It’s the first time I’ve seen him without his chef’s jacket on. He’s wearing tan trousers and a well-fitted, button-down shirt the same shade of blue as his eyes. He looks good.
He stops beside our table and there’s a moment of awkwardness as we try to figure out how to greet each other. Finally he puts an arm around my shoulders and we exchange a brief hug. I catch a whiff of his aftershave before I pull away and introduce Kelsey.
“Tyler is my cooking instructor,” I say, then launch into a list of Tyler’s many accomplishments, which I’m surprised I even remember.
“Impressive.” Kelsey purses her lips around her straw for another dose of margarita. She glances from Tyler to me.
“I expect Liv is going to be the most improved student by the end of the year,” Tyler says. “She’s a hard worker and she has great potential. And she makes a mean soufflé.”
I flush and roll my eyes, even though the compliment secretly pleases me.
“So, what are you doing here?” I wave my hand at the restaurant, which is a nice place but certainly no fine-dining establishment.
“Just met a friend for dinner,” Tyler says. “The chile relleno here is the best for miles.”
I glance behind him, wondering if the “friend” is female. And then wondering why I care.
“Don’t you live in Forest Grove?” I ask.
“No, I’ve got a place over in Rainwood. About the same distance from here to Forest Grove.”
“Can you stay?” I gesture to the chair beside me. “We’re just getting ready to order.”
“No, I gotta get back to Julienne. I like to be there on weekends. Remember you’ve still got a standing invitation. Next time I won’t even put you to work.” He nods at Kelsey. “Nice meeting you.”
“Yeah. You too.”
“Bye, Liv. Good to see you.”
“You too, Tyler.”
I watch him go. I don’t really care that Kelsey is looking at me like she’s trying very, very hard not to interrogate me.
I haven’t done anything wrong. And Tyler’s compliments and admiration make me feel good. Frankly it’s nice to feel that way these days.
Our food arrives, and I ask Kelsey about her work as we eat. Ranting about her fellow professors is enough to keep her off the subject of Tyler, and by the time she drops me off at home she seems to have forgotten about him.
I don’t forget about him, though.
I lie in the big, empty bed and think about him and all his accomplishments and the easygoing way he has with people. I think about his vast knowledge of food, how he can debone a chicken within minutes, how he knows the exact temperature to cook a scallop, and how he can identify every cut of beef. He even knows how to make a perfect risotto.
I roll over and stare at the other side of the bed. Tyler is like Dean in some ways. Both of them possess an encyclopedic knowledge of their fields. Both are accomplished, dedicated, wholly passionate about their work. Both excel at what they do.
I press my hand against Dean’s cold pillow, then fumble for the phone on the nightstand. “Dean?”
“Hey, beauty. Did you get my voicemail?”
“Yes. I…” I curl my fingers into the pillow. “Just wanted to talk to you.”
“How was your day?”
“Fine. I had dinner with Kelsey. She says hi. She wants you to bring her back some peach preserves.”
“Do you want anything?”
“I want you to come home.”
“Four days only. I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow night.”
“I love you too.”
He’s already hung up, so I don’t know if he heard me. I drop the phone back onto the cradle and close my eyes.
If Dean had been sleeping beside me, I don’t know if I would have dreamed about Tyler Wilkes. I’ll never know. But I dream about him now—a dream that’s slow and easy and sweaty.
I dream about his body, compact and firm with a light mat of blond hair scattered over his chest. I dream about the way his mouth would feel against the bare skin of my shoulder, my throat, my breasts. I dream about his weight on top of me, how we’d fit together, how it would feel to wrap my legs around his hips. I imagine his skin smells like fresh herbs and citrus, that his hair feels thick and smooth like straw.
When I wake, I’m damp with perspiration, and my blood throbs a restless beat. I shift around, resisting the urge to press my fingers between my thighs, to rub the ache away.
I roll to my side, breathing hard, wincing as my sex pulses with the movement.
This is not what I expected. Not what I want.
I haven’t felt so shaken, so uncertain, in years. Since before I met Dean. I thought the whole reason I started considering the idea of having children was because I’ve put my past behind me, I love my husband, we’re settled in Mirror Lake, my life has become what I always wanted but never had before—secure, happy, safe…
So what the hell am I doing having an erotic dream about another man?
And what the fuck else has my husband not told me?
The anger I’ve been suppressing breaks loose like a swarm of bees.
I press my hands to my eyes. My heart is beating too fast. I force my mind back to our conversation, everything Dean said about his relationship with Helen. His first wife.
“I shouldn’t have relied on her to deal with birth control. But I did, and that’s what happened.”
All thoughts of Tyler Wilkes dissolve into the pool of dread spreading through my entire being.
I climb out of bed, pushing the covers aside. I yank open the drawer of Dean’s nightstand and look at the box of condoms inside. There’s another one in the bathroom. And a third in the drawer of a table beside the sofa. I’ve known for years where Dean keeps the condoms, but now it’s like I’m finding them for the first time.
Is that why Dean always used condoms with me, even when I tried birth control pills? Was it because of Helen’s betrayal? Did he think I’d do the same thing?
The thought makes me cold. Doubts flood me again—Dean’s reluctance to talk about a baby, Maggie Hamilton’s ugly insinuations, the secrets Dean and I both harbored so that we wouldn’t ruin the illusion of who we were supposed to be.
He was always the successful overachiever. I was always the good girl. God forbid anything should destroy the images we fought so hard to maintain.
I go into Dean’s office and sit at the swivel chair in front of his desk. I look at all his papers, flip through legal pads covered in his scrawled handwriting, page through books marked with Post-Its.
I turn on his computer. The desktop appears as a grid of PDF files, documents, images. I open a few of them. An article about the San Clemente church in Rome, another about “architectural polychromy.” A draft of Dean’s paper for an archeology journal. Pictures of medieval cathedrals, town plans, archeological sites.
I open a web browser and look at his browsing history of news and sports websites, email, conference information.
I click on Dean’s university email. The password is saved, so I log on. There are messages about classes and papers, the conference, airline and hotel confirmations. Halfway down the message list, I see the name that makes my breath stop.
Helen Morgan.
With a shaking hand, I click on the message to open it.
TO: Dr. Dean West, King’s University
FR: Dr. Helen Morgan, Stanford University
SU: Conference
Dean,
I wanted to let you know that I’m submitting a paper for inclusion in your Words and Images conference. The topic is about the Pre-Raphaelite use of medieval icons. I’ve been working with several medievalists recently, and the conference would be a way for me to expand my research into more interdisciplinary areas.
Since I do not want to miss a professional opportunity, I thought I would let you know (as a courtesy) of my intentions.
Sincerely,
Helen
There’s a reply from Dean.
Thanks for letting me know. Best of luck.
Dean
I stare at the message. My heart freezes.
My husband lied to me again.