CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Olivia
“AM I WHAT?” I FEEL LIKE the nurse is speaking a foreign language.
“Pregnant,” she replies, a touch impatiently. “Or is there a possibility that you are pregnant?”
“Uh… well, I guess… I mean, yes. There is a possibility. That I am. Pregnant.”
The realization is a shock to my system.
“We’ll do a blood test to find out,” the nurse says.
She asks me more questions before telling me they’ll have a bed for me shortly. After I register, a phlebotomist draws blood from my arm, I change into a hospital gown, and am directed to a bed.
I press a hand to my belly and take a deep breath. I’d had visions of discovering a pregnancy the usual way—by peeing on a stick in the privacy of my own bathroom—then telling Dean over a romantic, candlelit dinner.
Instead I’m in the ER with a splitting headache, fluorescent lights glaring from overhead, no-nonsense nurses firing questions at me, and a husband who is currently in a holding cell at the Mirror Lake police station.
Which, admittedly, is more like the police station in The Andy Griffith Show than NYPD Blue, but still…
Before the doctor arrives, I fumble for the phone to call Kelsey.
“Oh, for God’s sake, Liv, he’s like a caged tiger in there,” she tells me. “He’s furious that they wouldn’t let him go with you to the hospital. The officer said he won’t release him until Dean calms down, but you know what a stubborn ass he is. Dean, not the officer.”
“Can I talk to him?” I ask.
“They’re not letting him talk to anyone,” Kelsey says. “What about you? Are you okay?”
“They’re running more tests, but everything looks good. Where are the Hamiltons?”
“No idea about the girl. They held Hamilton for a while, but let him go.”
“How much longer before Dean is released?”
“He’s been processed, and they’re willing to release him on his own recognizance since they verified all his info, but first they want him to dial it down a notch. Or ten. I’m just sitting here waiting for him. I’ll bring him over as soon as I can.”
I end the call as the doctor returns and conducts a thorough exam. He tells me I don’t appear to have a concussion, but he’ll do an MRI to make certain. As he’s telling me about the MRI procedure, the nurse returns with the lab report.
“Your hCG levels indicate that you’re pregnant, Mrs. West,” the doctor tells me, studying the papers. “You didn’t know?”
Since I can’t speak past the constriction in my throat, I just shake my head.
“Though chances are your accident didn’t harm the fetus, we’ll do an ultrasound and connect you to a fetal monitor to assess the viability of the pregnancy,” the doctor says, and the businesslike tone of his voice as well as the words viability of the pregnancy bring up a wave of old fear.
A bustle of activity follows. Allie, Crystal, and Marianne come in from the waiting room to see how I’m doing. The nurse shoos them out before bringing in the ultrasound machine and setting up for the exam.
When she turns to the machine, I grab my phone again. “Kelsey, you need to get him over here.”
“They’re letting him go since they need the cell for a couple of drunk college kids,” she tells me. “He’s getting his wallet and phone returned to him right now. He still has steam coming out of his ears. We should be there in about fifteen minutes. I told him you’re okay.”
“Kelsey. Hurry.”
“On our way.”
After getting off the phone, I sit back and watch the clock. Minutes pass. I’m not about to tell the doctor to hold off on the ultrasound, but the nurse tells me I need to drink more water before they can conduct the exam.
I down another glass of water, my stomach zinging with nerves. I wait. I look at the clock again. The second hand ticks. Hurry, hurry…
“Liv?” Dean’s voice breaks through my anxiety.
My heart leaps as he runs into the room, his eyes burning with concern, a bruise marring his unshaven jaw, his shirt torn and stained with blood. He careens to a halt beside my bed, his chest heaving.
“You’re okay?” He grabs my shoulders, looking me over, his voice tight. “Are you okay? Goddammit, I almost lost my mind when they wouldn’t let me come with you, and then they stuck me in a damn cell—”
“Because you were disturbing the peace.” Kelsey hurries into the room after him. “And if you don’t calm down here, they’ll throw you out again. Is that what you want?”
Dean inhales and makes a visible effort to regain control of himself. He tightens his hands on my shoulders.
“Liv, are you okay?”
“Yes. Take another breath.”
He does. Behind him, Kelsey scans the room, her sharp gaze stopping on the ultrasound machine. Her eyes widen a little behind her glasses. She gives me a questioning does he know? look. I shake my head.
Kelsey gets a chair and shoves it behind Dean.
“You’ll want to sit down for this one, Professor Marvel.” She backs away, shooting me a smile. “Aunt Kelsey’s orders.”
She turns and leaves the room. I squeeze Dean’s arm.
“She’s right,” I tell him. “Sit down.”
He sits, dragging a hand through his hair. “Liv, I’m so sorry I—”
“Hey. Be quiet. I have something to tell you.”
“What?” Concern darkens his eyes again.
“Last February, I stopped at a baby boutique downtown,” I explain.
He blinks. “Oh.”
“I bought two cotton baby hats, one pink and one blue. They’re wrapped in a box under our bed.”
Dean searches my gaze. I grip his arm harder.
“We’re going to need one of those hats in about seven or eight months,” I tell him.
Shock registers in his expression. Before he can get a word out, the doctor and nurse return.
“Ready, Mrs. West?” the doctor asks, setting a clipboard beside my bed. “I’ll do the ultrasound first, then hook you up to the fetal monitor.”
All the color drains from Dean’s face. I grab his hand, my own apprehension kicking into gear again. Our eyes meet, and a thousand hopes, fears, and wishes pass between us.
“You and me, professor,” I whisper.
He leans closer to me, putting his other hand against my cheek. “You and me, beauty.”
He straightens when the doctor approaches to prep me for the exam. Dean doesn’t release my hand. Silence descends as the doctor spreads gel over the wand and starts a slow scan of my belly. My heart is racing. We watch the monitor.
For a second, there’s nothing. Even the nurse seems to be holding her breath.
Then a grainy swath of black and gray appears on the screen, a light flashing rhythmically.
“There it is,” the doctor says, sounding pleased. “A baby with a heartbeat.”
The screen blurs in front of my eyes. I blink hard because I don’t want to miss this. It’s a little, peanut-shaped blob on the screen. The light continues to flash as it bounces around. A baby with a heartbeat.
“Want to hear it?” The doctor flips a switch on the computer, and a thumping noise fills the air. “One-twenty beats per minute. Looks good and sounds good.”
Dean presses his hand to my hair. He’s watching the screen. I can’t read his expression.
The doctor is talking again, but I’m only half-listening. After I hear that I’m about six weeks along and everything looks normal, my entire body loosens with relief. The doctor inputs the data into the computer and tells me he wants to keep me overnight for observation.
Dean and I look at each other. He reaches out to put his warm hand against my neck, right where my pulse beats. He smiles that beautiful smile that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners and fills my heart to overflowing. And then there just aren’t any words.
The hospital seems quiet the following morning as I get ready for Dean to come and pick me up. After the doctor conducts another exam and proclaims me “all set to go home,” I dress in my clothes from the previous day and wait for the nurse to come with the discharge papers.
“Hello, Liv.”
I look up at the sound of my mother’s voice. She’s standing by the door, beautiful as ever with her silky gold hair, dressed in a floral wraparound skirt and a peasant blouse with an embroidered design on the bodice.
“Hi, Crystal.”
“They said I could see you since I’m family,” she tells me. “Everything’s okay?”
The lingering tightness in my chest loosens even more. “Everything’s okay.”
“You got your wish, I guess,” she remarks.
I can only nod, thinking of that little bouncing ball on the ultrasound screen whose heartbeat echoed my own.
“I remember when I found out I was pregnant with you,” Crystal continues. “Scariest day of my life.”
Something twinges beneath my heart. She’d been alone when she found out about me, and shortly afterward her parents would kick her out of the house.
I press a hand to my belly. I think of going home to our Avalon Street apartment with its blue-and-white curtains, overstuffed chairs, seascape paintings and photographs of me and my husband. Dean’s office lined with books, my desk beside the windows with a view of the sky-blue lake, the little white table where we have breakfast together every morning.
“I came to tell you that I’m leaving,” Crystal says.
“Oh. Where are you going to go?”
“Phoenix, I guess. Maybe head up to Las Vegas.”
“What will you do?”
“What I’ve always done.”
I know what that means. She’ll find places to stay, men to stay with. She’ll sell her jewelry, find odd jobs, meet people and then leave again.
“Thanks for your help at the café,” I say. There is an odd tightness in my throat.
Crystal moves closer to me. The smell of lavender clings to the air around her. Fresh, clean, a mixture of floral and musk. That scent was the only solid ground I had in all the places we lived. In dismal motel rooms, squalid apartments, strangers’ houses… whenever I smelled lavender, I knew my mother was near.
And because I had no one else, I needed her to be near me.
Behind her, someone else approaches the doorway. Dean pauses, his hand on the doorjamb, taking in the scene with one glance.
And then they’re both in my vision, both facing me—my mother and my husband. My past and my present. The one who hurt me, and the one who helped me heal.
“So, good luck, Liv,” Crystal says, and I don’t think she knows Dean is there. “I really did want you to come with me. I did want to help you.”
“I don’t need your help, Crystal.”
I remember what she said to Maggie Hamilton. Remember all the men Crystal went through because they were the only way she knew how to get what she wanted. I wish she’d found a different way. I wish she’d find one now.
“It’s like I told that girl,” Crystal continues. “I know something about manipulative men, so be careful about thinking your husband is all that you want him to be.”
I meet Dean’s dark gaze. I feel the tension going through him, his urge to rush forward, to move between us, to shield me. He takes a step, his eyes never leaving mine, and then he stops.
I shift my gaze from Dean to Crystal. A wellspring of strength rises in me. I needed my mother once, back when I was uncertain and scared.
I don’t need her anymore.
“Dean is my world, Crystal. He helped me get back the life I lost. You will never make me doubt him.”
As I look at her, I realize why she thought she could come between me and my husband, why she tried to convince me to leave him and go with her again, why she thought I could forget all that happened.
She doesn’t know anything about love.
Not like me. Not like Dean.
I put my hand on my stomach again. I know, I know, that another kind of love awaits me and my husband… a love that will be both exhilarating and frightening, rich beyond measure. A love that will both encompass us and extend beyond us.
Neither Dean nor I have ever experienced a love like that from anyone except each other. Only together did we create this—an island of warmth and light, a haven of devotion, a place where we are both always safe and unreservedly loved.
I feel my mother studying me, assessing me.
“Putting all your trust in one man is stupid, Liv,” she says. “And I never wanted you to be a coward.”
“I’ve never been a coward,” I tell her. “That’s the reason I left you. Besides, you always said you’d have had such a better life if it weren’t for me. But you made your own choices. You hit the road running and never looked back. And you took me with you.”
“I had to,” she replies curtly. “Your father was a lying, cheating bastard. My mother was a self-centered bitch who wouldn’t help her own daughter. I had to leave. You think I had a choice?”
“I think we always have a choice. That’s why I left you, because I wanted to make my own choices. I didn’t want to live like that anymore.”
“And you ended up living a repressed life with Stella before you had to drop out of college, right?”
“No. I ended up married to a man who showed me exactly what it feels like to be loved.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Liv. You never even knew how lucky you were. You never appreciated anything I did for you.”
“Because you never did anything for me,” I retort. A barbed-wire flashback threatens. I rip it apart, crush it to dust. “You didn’t even protect me when perverts tried to mess with me. Instead you said it was my fault.”
“I never—”
“Yes, you did.” Old anger boils in my chest. I feel Dean’s simultaneous flash of rage, but still he doesn’t move forward. I fix my gaze on my mother.
“You even accused me of leading North on because you were jealous of our friendship,” I remind her. “You blamed me for everything, Crystal. Maybe if you hadn’t, you’d have learned that you could have had a different life. One that you really wanted.”
A heavy, strained silence falls. My mother stares at me. For the first time ever, I see the fatigue in her eyes, the lines edging her mouth.
“You were the coward, Crystal,” I say. “Not me. I started a new life on my own.”
“You didn’t start anything,” she replies, her voice tight. “I’m the one who got us away from your father. I’m the one who saved us both.”
“You didn’t save me. I saved myself.”
“All you did was run away.”
“No.” I shake my head, knowing the truth to my very bones. “It’s not running away if you’re running toward something.”
And always, no matter what happened, I’ve always run in the right direction—to Aunt Stella’s, college, Twelve Oaks, North, my future, Dean.
As I look at my mother, I realize that she’s the one who has always run away. Because she has never had anything or anyone to run toward.
“Crystal, I’ve learned so much,” I tell her, and for the first time ever I truly hope that my mother will one day find the ground beneath her feet, and the peace that has eluded her for so long. “And I promise you, putting down roots doesn’t mean you’re trapped or stifled or even… ordinary. It just means that you’ve finally figured out where home is.”
For what seems like forever, we look at each other. I see her eyes that are shaped like mine, her hair that is as long and straight as mine. I remember the picture North took of us as Crystal and I sat beside a campfire together and smiled.
“Good luck,” I finally say.
She nods, her gaze still on me.
“Well.” She takes a step back toward the door. “I guess it was impressive, the way you stepped in front of that Hamilton bastard yesterday. Maybe you didn’t lose that backbone after all.”
“Maybe in some ways, I got it from you,” I admit.
A faint smile crosses Crystal’s face before she turns to the door. She falters for a second when her gaze clashes with Dean’s. They stare at each other, hostility sparking in the air. Dean moves aside to let her pass.
Then my mother walks away from me, past my husband, her posture ramrod straight. The fading sound of her heels clicking on the linoleum takes all the breath from my body. I sink onto the edge of the bed.
An immense freedom and relief flood me, like water spilling over a dry plant. For so long, I have trembled on the unstable, dangerous ground of my past, confused by all the twisting roads, shadowed by oppressive queens, flying monkeys, and wicked witches.
I haven’t known if I would ever truly escape, uncertain of my own assertion that I’m strong enough to defeat the darkness by myself. That I do know what it takes to find my way home again, that I’ve always known the power of the ruby slippers and the path back to the rabbit hole. I’ve always known which way is up.
Dean gets on his knees in front of me. He reaches out, his fingers brushing the sleeve of my shirt.
“You,” he says, “are heroic.”
I look into his eyes filled with a hundred emotions I can’t begin to define, but overshadowing them all is the singular love, both fierce and tender, that has always been like the moon for me. A brilliant light in the darkness, ever-present, constant. Forever.
He reaches into the pocket of his jeans, then takes my hand and puts a silver chain in my palm. My breath catches as I stare at the brass disk. Fortune favors the brave.
“I… I almost forgot you had this,” I whisper.
“I kept it safe for you.” Dean rests his hands on my knees. “Just like you asked me to.”
I close my fingers around the necklace, feel the weight of the pendant pressing against my palm. Dean stands and reaches to help me to my feet.
“Come on, beauty. Let’s go home.”