Three days later I was on a flight back to Duke. My best friend Lisa met me at the airport.
“Sweetie, I’m so glad to see you,” she told me, taking me into her arms. I held her close, happy to finally see my best friend once more.
“I miss her, Lise,” I cried into her shoulder. For the first time since my mom died, I was with someone I could talk to. Like, really talk to about it.
“I know. I wish I could make it better,” she told me. “Listen, come back to my place. You’re staying with me for a few days, ok?”
“Thanks,” I replied, shooting her a grateful smile. Lisa was awesome. The child of hippies, she was the definition of a free spirit, and while her constant protesting for various causes had landed her in jail a few times (she was going to love my story) and occasionally made her miss class, she was so damn smart that she was still one of the top people in pre-med at Duke, and had already been accepted into the medical program once she graduated.
We drove back to her place in relative silence. She knew that I needed my space, and I was so grateful for it.
“I screwed up, Lise,” I told her when we got in the front door of her place.
“How’s that?” she asked as she went into the kitchen and poured us both a glass of wine. Handing mine to me, she pointed to the couch, where I obediently sat down.
“The funeral killed me,” I told her. “Everyone telling me how sorry they were, and I just felt like none of them really knew. I thought I wasn’t going to make it through. Every single second just felt like my heart was getting heavier and heavier. I constantly felt like I was going to puke. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.”
Lisa just nodded and let me continue.
“So I got drunk. Like, completely fucking pissed drunk. I bought a whole bottle of vodka and just started drinking it straight. I don’t know how far through it I got, I don’t really have too much of a memory of that night.”
“Oh sweetie. That’s totally normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“Well, except for the part where I ended up in jail.”
Lisa’s big blue eyes widened.
“Seriously?”
I nodded, blushing. Then I told her everything.
Well, minus the sleeping with my stepbrother part.
When I finished, Lisa just stared at me.
“What?” I asked, needing her to say something, anything!
“I didn’t think you had it in you!” she exclaimed, suddenly breaking into laughter. “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but oh my god! I wish I was there to see it!”
Lisa’s laughter turned contagious, and I broke out into giggles myself. God, she was so good at making me feel ok about everything.
“I’m so proud of you. Your first vandalism arrest.”
“I was so scared, Lisa. Like seriously, I had no idea what was going on.”
“I can imagine! At least when it happens to me I remember what I did to end up there.”
“I felt so stupid though, like I let my mom down.”
“You’re not stupid, you were letting off steam. I’m sure your mom would just hug you and tell you it was fine if she was here.”
As I continued chatting with Lisa, I realized that for the first time since her death I’d mentioned my mom without immediately bursting into tears.
“Now look. I know if your mom were here she’d want to make sure you got good grades, right?”
“Yeah. Yeah, she would.”
“So let’s go down to the library and see if we can get a bit of studying done, ok? I got the notes from the classes you missed from Kathy, so you can catch up on those.”
“You’re the best, Lise,” I told her as we got up off the couch.
“I know, babe. I know.”
* * *
Slowly but surely, everything in my life started to go back to normal. I started going back to my classes, saw my friends again, left Lisa’s apartment after staying there for a couple of days, and before I knew it, I managed to go a whole day without thinking about my mom, and as I got closer and closer to exam time, I began to feel the same combination of nerves and panic that I was pretty used to by now as a student.
What I wasn’t ready for was waking up the morning of my first exam with a giant wave of nausea passing over me.
“Oh, fuck,” I moaned, rolling over in bed. I just managed to scramble up and get to the toilet before the rest of the Indian takeout I’d had the night before came up.
“Man, I am never eating there again,” I complained to myself as I got up and brushed my teeth. Gross. This was not a good start to exam period.
Briefly considering calling in sick to the exam, I knew I was never going to get away with it. Profs hated when students came sick to the exams, and I knew if I had to do the make-up one it would be ten times harder than the normal exam. So I decided to stick it out.
Making myself a cup of tea in the kitchen, not trusting myself to actually eat, I texted Kathy.
Ready for today’s exam?
The reply came a minute later.
No. You?
Food poisoning. Sad face. Going to suffer through it anyway.
Oh, shit. That shit sucks hard. See you soon. Cramming.
I smiled. Kathy would definitely be cramming. Another good friend of mine, Kathy wasn’t exactly the “studying” type. She always figured that taking good notes in class was enough, then would panic 24 hours before every test and cram like crazy. I knew on one occasion she actually started studying on the bus on the way to the exam.
Despite all that, she usually passed her classes, though her grades could have been so much better than the 3.2 GPA she actually had. Then again, they could also be a lot worse.
I looked over my books once more as I mentally prepared myself for the day.
This was going to suck.
When the exam was over, I didn’t feel any better, but at least I hadn’t embarrassed myself by puking all over my papers.
“So how’s the food poisoning?” Kathy asked as she waited outside for me, always the first of the two of us to finish tests.
“Is there any way we can get home without passing any sort of building that has food in it?” I asked in reply. “The guy next to me had a muffin and I swear I could smell it the whole time and that was so not helping.”
“That’s weird, usually food poisoning is just stomach stuff. You sure you’re not sick?”
“Well, pretty sure. I mean, I feel completely fine other than the whole puking thing. And that Indian place I ordered from last night was the one that got shut down for health code reasons a few months back.”
“Oh my God, Mikki, sometimes I swear to God for someone so smart you are barely a functioning adult. Why would you go to that place after they got shut down?”
“Their Rogan Josh is really good.”
Kathy looked like she was torn between bursting out in laughter and tearing me a new one. She settled on rolling her eyes and trying to hide her smile.
“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that Mikki? At the very least you shouldn’t have done it the night before the exam.”
“Yeah. You’re right, that was pretty dumb.”
“Well, go home and puke out whatever’s left. Then you’ll feel better.”
“Thanks, Kath.”
“No problem. And stop eating at restaurants that have legally had to be shut down by the health department. Can you imagine how bad it had to be for the place to actually be shut down instead of just fined?”
“I’ve been choosing not to.”
“Evidently. And see where it got you?”
“Point taken.”