For a few moments, both of us just sat there, neither one of us saying anything.
Finally, I broke the silence.
“I lost her, Jaret,” I whispered. “She’s gone.”
“I know,” he replied. “Did you know it was a she?”
“I know in my heart.” I’d had the 18 week appointment scheduled already. But my baby just never made it that far.
He nodded. “I’m sorry. I should have been there. I swore I’d protect you, but I didn’t. I didn’t protect you.”
Jaret looked like he was going to cry. He looked like he had been crying. This was so new, a side of him I’d never seen before.
“You did. You did protect us. You saved me. You couldn’t save her, but you did your best.”
“No. No, I didn’t save her, and I promised you I would. Just like I promised Annie, I promised her I’d always take care of her, and I didn’t.”
“Who’s Annie?” I asked softly.
“My sister.”
“You have a sister?”
“I had a sister.”
I didn’t press further. I wanted to let Jaret get there in his own time. I had never heard of any sister, never seen photos of her at his family’s place.
“Every time. This happens every single time.”
“What happens?” I asked.
“I can’t do it, Mikki. I can’t protect anyone. I can’t save them.”
“Jaret, you have to tell me what you’re talking about.”
“I love you, ok? And just like every single other woman I’ve ever loved, I fuck it up, and bad shit happens. So you know what? Just go. Move on. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.”
At first I wasn’t sure if I’d actually heard correctly. Had Jaret Black just told me he loved me? He had.
“You… love me?”
“Of course I love you. I’ve loved you since we were in high school. I never let myself admit it, back then, but I knew it. But I never wanted to let myself get close to you, because I know what happens to the women I love.”
“Tell me about your sister.”
“She was gorgeous. So cute. She was five years younger than I was. I was just old enough to remember my parents coming back from the hospital with her. I was her older brother. Even when I was that young I knew that I had to protect her from all the evil of the world, like kids who throw sand in other kid’s faces, and that sort of thing.”
Jaret paused. He was staring at the wall, his deep eyes obviously having travelled back in time as he remembered Annie.
“She was two when it happened. An accident. It was a stupid accident. I was at a birthday party. My mom was playing with Annie in the pool in the backyard. She had put some meat on the stove for dinner, but the wooden handle of the frying pan caught on fire, even though it was supposed to be flame-proof. When my mom saw the smoke, she ran inside, put the pan in the sink, and nothing came of it. But when she went back out to the pool, Annie was face up inside of it, dead.”
“Oh, Jaret, I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I couldn’t believe it. I had no idea.
“I was supposed to have been there. I didn’t even want to go to the birthday party. It was for that Kyle Clemmers. We weren’t even friends, my mom made me go to be polite. I should have been there, by the pool. I was seven. I could have saved her. I should have been able to save her.”
I realized then just how deep Jaret’s wounds went. How behind the guy who was so sure of himself, so perfect, so happy all the time, there was also a man who grieved for his lost sister, who grieved for the fact that he wasn’t there for her.
“It killed my mom. She never stopped blaming herself. I know the doctors all said it had nothing to do with that, that cancer kills indiscriminately, but I know it was that. She had a very curable form of cancer. A really low death rate. But I know she just gave up. I couldn’t save my sister, and I couldn’t save my mom. The two women in my life that I loved. And now my baby. I couldn’t save my baby because as soon as you told me you loved me, I knew I couldn’t do it.”
How on earth Jaret wasn’t crying right now, I had no idea. He looked so completely broken, and yet somehow he still held it together.
“I knew when you said you were kidding that you weren’t telling me the truth. So I ran. I couldn’t let what had happened to my sister and my mother affect you. I had to get away. I couldn’t do it. That was why I left, why I ignored you. I stayed in my hotel room and barely went out. And I failed. If only I’d been a bigger man about it, our baby would still be here. Our baby.”
I put a hand on his, softly.
“You saved me. Tom would have killed me if it wasn’t for you.”
“Yeah. I never would have pegged you for the type to have a crazy ex,” he told me, a small smile forming on his lips.
“Well, I never would have picked you as the type who love someone like me,” I replied shyly back. After all, Jaret had told me. He loved me.
And I had no idea why.
“Why not? You’re hands down the smartest girl I know. All the time when we were in high school, the other girls would just throw themselves at my feet. They didn’t care. You did. You had confidence. You had brains. You had looks. You couldn’t have given less of a shit about me, and that made me fall in love with you.”
I couldn’t help the blush that crept up my face.
“But you… you’re Jaret Black. You don’t fall in love.”
“I did this time. Believe me, I didn’t want to believe it either. It pissed me off, in fact. That’s why I was such a douchebag when I had to stay in LA while I was on probation. I was so angry that I was in love with you that I started to hate you, too. It’s also why I fucked that friend of yours. What was her name?”
“Lea,” I replied, remembering the feeling of complete and total betrayal I felt the day I saw her coming out of my stepbrother’s bedroom.
“That’s right. That’s how much I hated you. Hated myself. Because I was in love with you, and it was getting harder and harder to deny it to myself.”
This was just insane. It was so much to process. I said as much to Jaret.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m not really myself. After all, I just lost my child.”
“Our child.”
“Yes. Our child.” Jaret squeezed my hand. “But now you know how I feel.”
“I love you too,” I told him.
“I know. I knew the moment you told me in the restaurant. I knew you were lying when you said you made it up.”
“How did you know?”
“I’m pretty good at reading people. And you’re a terrible liar, just FYI.”
I couldn’t believe this conversation was happening. Had Jaret seriously just told me he loved me?
He had.
And I’d told him I loved him.
Oh my God.
“So what are we doing, here?” I asked. “What’s our future going to be? After all, we don’t have a child anymore.”
“I figure we wait a little while. Let you heal up. But I don’t want to be away from you any more, Mikki. I want to start a life with you. If that’s what you want.”
“I do want that.”
“And I promise you, I will never let you down again.”
“I know.”
I did know. I had seen the tape. I knew that Jaret would do literally anything on the planet to protect me.
Just then Lisa came back, somehow managing the world’s best balancing act with three paper bags and a tray full of what appeared to be milkshakes from a burger joint that must have been around the hospital.
“I can go, if you guys need more time,” she suggested, but I motioned for her to stay.
“No, I think we’re good for now, Lise,” I told her. “Jaret and I have decided we’re going to get into a relationship now.”
“Seriously? Awesome.” She turned to Jaret. “My bar for acceptable boyfriends for Mikki isn’t the highest right now, but if you ever hurt her, in any way, I will skin you, and feed your body to pigs.”
“Lisa!”
“Well, it’s true.”
Jaret just laughed.
“Fair enough, fair enough. I guarantee you, Lisa. There won’t be any of that. And Mikki can tell you, I don’t have the cleanest past, but I’ve never, ever hit a woman. That’s a line I’m not crossing.”
“Good.”
I dug into the burger, not realizing until I’d smelt the scent of them wafting through the air just how hungry I was. It was good.
We sat around eating, and generally having conversation. Funnily enough, admitting to Jaret that I loved him made everything easier. Conversation flowed more smoothly. We seemed to be in a better place. I couldn’t wait to see what the future had in store for us.