Chapter Twenty

You can’t lose something you never had; so right now, I wasn’t grieving, more like wishing we had something to lose.

I looked in the opposite direction when I noticed Zane’s eyes flicker up. He didn’t need to know I was looking; he didn’t need to know it bothered me.

“You ready, Allie?”

I spun around with a fake content smile. “Yeah sure, Ryder, where are we going again?” I had been only half listening last night, and, well, this morning all my thoughts seemed to be drifting to Zane and Ebony as they ate breakfast.

“Shopping, remember, I had been roped into it, and you said you wouldn’t mind coming.” Ryder frowned at me. “If you’ve changed your mind, you don’t have to.” He quickly added.

Right.

“No, of course, I’ll come.” I really needed to stop focusing on things that didn’t matter anymore. “Let’s go.”

“Right, I’ll just grab Ebony and Zane.” Ryder grinned, and his sentence literally wiped the fake smile from my face.

You had to be kidding me.

 

***

There were many reasons why this shopping trip was awkward. One being Ebony and I didn’t get on. Two, Zane and Ryder didn’t seem to be talking either and the third being, Zane and my’s…. well, mess.

Apparently, Ryder’s mom had asked both her boys to do the pack house’s shopping. Zane had roped in Ebony, and well, I apparently had put my hand up for this.

Ryder was tapping his finger on the steering wheel to the beat of a song playing on the radio. Zane and Ebony were silent in the back.

I was debating whether I should just make a run for it as soon as we hit the supermarket. I just had to come up with the perfect excuse.

“Don’t like the song?” Ryder turned his head to look at me.

To me, this song was a funeral march; me heading to a doom of three plus hours with Zane.

“It’s alright.” I gave him a small smile.

“You’re a lot quieter today than last night.” His sharp emerald eyes swirled with mischief. “Don’t tell me you’ve gone bashful because I’ve seen you with your clothes off.”

I coughed out a surprised laugh. Of all times for him to say that, why did he have to pick now when my mate was in the back seat?

“You woke up in a good mood, or are you always this chipper going to do the shopping?”

“Well, that’s me, chipper champ.”

“So, what is it you do?” I asked; seeing as we hadn’t really discussed it last night and any conversation was better than silence. Heck, I’d rather speak to Ryder then keep having horror conversations with myself about Zane. “Are you here visiting, or what?”

Ryder glanced at me, then looked back at the road. “Well, depends on who you ask.”

“I’m asking you.”

Ryder ran a hand through his blonde hair. He really did have this natural ease of good looking going for him. “I would say, I’m here visiting.”

“And if I asked, say…umm, your parents, what would they say?”

“They would say I’m here getting my life together.” Ryder slowed the car and pulled into the parking lot; which was full.

“So, they don’t think you have your life together?”

Was it shallow of me to think he does? He has the looks and a good personality; one would think things were easy for him.

Ryder frowned for a moment, then shot me a look that I hadn’t seen before. “No one has their life together, it’s just most act like they do.”

“Park on your left.” Zane’s voice was sharp, and I could taste bitter.

“Thanks, bro.” Ryder turned into the parking space.

“Ebony and I will do the groceries.” Zane opened his car door. “You two, do whatever, heck, maybe continue the heart to heart.”

The door slammed, and Ebony wasn’t far behind him to leave. Call it selfish, but I was glad he was quick to get away.

“Sorry…”

“Don’t bother, Ryder. It’s fine.”

“My brother can be an ass.” He pulled the keys out. “Don’t pay any attention to him.”

I unbuckled my seat belt. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

Heck, I wasn’t planning on giving Zane any of my attention for the rest of my life, but I know how life is, and not everything works out like you want it to, so I suppose all I knew for sure was that I wasn’t planning on giving Zane any of my attention until he deserved it.

 

***

Never in my life did I ever expect to be buying over fifty white t-shirts, all different sizes. Here I thought the pack house just had an endless supply of extra clothes. Never really thought someone had to buy them for them to be there.

“Ok, I’ve done all the picking for the guys’ clothes, you can do the girls’,” Ryder said, putting his last ten-stack of jeans in the cart.

“Really, white t-shirts and jeans? That’s it.” I shook my head at him.

We were meant to re-stock the pack house’s supply of clothes, and Ryder really wasn’t giving the boys the freedom of choice.

He shrugged his shoulders and took over pushing the cart for me.

“Well, I’m adding some different color shirts, and, heck, might even lash out and pick a different style.” I shot him a grin.

“Go for it, Allie. I hate clothes shopping. I reckon that is why Zane jumped so quickly to do the groceries.”

More like he wanted to get away from me and said the first thing that popped into his head.

“Maybe.”

“No maybe about it, he hates clothes shopping as much as me.” Ryder scrunched his nose up at a jumper I was holding.

Rolling my eyes, I put it back down. So, he didn’t want to shop, but he wanted to have an opinion.

“So, you going to tell me more about why you’re never around here or are you just going to stay a mystery?” I selected a few different colored hoodies and placed them in the cart. I caught a glimpse of debate within his eyes.

So, he was holding something back.

“I could tell you, but the little you think of me might be wiped completely.”

“I doubt that, Ryder.” If there was one thing I had, it was a thick skin and maybe too good of a heart. I always wanted to see the best in people which was a weakness. “Go on, try me.”

Ryder’s eyes scanned the department store, and when he realized no one was coming near, or was within listening distance of us, he parked the cart and came to stand next to me and the current rack of clothes I was looking at.

“Now I’m really interested.” I looked up at him.

“It’s a long story you know.”

“Good thing we have a lot of shopping to do.” I waved the piece of paper with the massive list on it.

“It isn’t very pretty.”

“Well, you aren’t very pretty, yet I’m still here.” I joked and copped a shrug from him for it. We shared a smile. “Come on, Ryder, I’m a big girl; I’m not going to get scared and run away from you.”

It was clear Ryder didn’t know me well enough to know I don’t run away.

“Ok.” He gave in and let out a low sigh. “It all started when I was in high school.”

I nodded my head, and, while listening, I continued to shop for clothes.

“I met this girl; her name was Alannah, and when I met her, I just knew.”

“Knew she was your mate?”

He nodded his head and with a solemn look he continued, “She was everything I wanted and everything I couldn’t have.”

“So, something was stopping you two from being together?”

“Yes. Her. She was a few years older than me and to say she was set in her ways was an understatement. You see Alannah got what Alannah wanted. She wanted a mate to always be there, to get her out of the trouble she was in, to be, I guess, her back up plan.”

“That’s harsh.”

“It was the truth, but it took me a couple of years to see it though. She would go off with some man, then come back to me when she had made a good enough mess of her life. I always took her back, every mess she made I would help clean up.” Ryder’s voice hardened as he spoke. “She was always in my head, mucking around with my emotions. She knew what to say, knew how to appeal to me, and well, one day I just snapped.”

“You killed her?” By the sound of things, I didn’t think that was far-reaching.

“No.” His lips twitched up into a slight smile. “But you aren’t far off the mark.”

“Well come on, spill, how did you get rid of Alannah from your life?” Sure, I was interested in his story, but I also had another reason, that being maybe I could lose Zane the same way.

“You can’t disconnect with a mate. The bond is always there.” Ryder reminded me of something I really didn’t like hearing. “She could go for months, then come back and her pull on me would be just as strong. I was her puppet, and she played me when she wanted to.”

Ryder paused as a couple walked past us. Once out of earshot he continued.

“I was traveling the border of Europe when I heard rumors about this man who claimed to have come up with an antidote to the bond werewolves feel.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Nope, but to cut a long story short, he had created one. At first, you inject it every day, then a week, then once a month. So simple and it worked. You see the strand of DNA, you know the one born inside you that matches your mate’s. The identical strand is what pulls the two together. It is what created the bond. Without it, the bond is gone.”

“So, it kills the strand?”

“No, it freezes the strand and without it, the connection, the bond, is gone.”

I was gobsmacked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because it was so unbelievable. “Why haven’t I heard of this before?”

“After I knew it worked, I wanted to spread the news to everyone so I did. So many were being abused and used by their so-called mate. This simple injection stopped all that. Wasn’t long till the Alphas ganged up to silence me.”

“So, you stopped?”

“Didn’t have a choice. It was either that or be killed in my sleep. They were mad, Allie, as I was going against nature’s plan and, according to them, wiping nature’s work.”

“More like fixing nature’s mistakes.”

Ryder chuckled deeply. “Yeah, that was how I saw it too. It’s funny because the ingredients that make up the antidote come from nature. It is like nature’s way of giving us a choice, but no one saw it as that, and my life wasn’t worth the risk; so, I backed down.”

“Your parents, did they know about this?” My interest in shopping was now completely gone. “Does Zane?”

“Who did you think led the rebellion against me?” He tilted his head to the side. “My parents are traditional, Allie, when something or someone threatens them and their way of life; they take it out. I was a threat, so they silenced me.”

 I couldn’t believe his own parents would do such a thing. “So now you’re back and…what?”

“And now, I’m silent.” He shrugged his shoulders, but in his eyes, I saw disappointment and betrayal flash. “Now I pretend like nothing happened.”

He had discovered something so unique and special. It could help so many. It could give us a choice. A choice of who we loved and no longer just being bonded with someone who, in a lot of cases, was a complete asshole.

“Do you still have some? The antidote?”

“Why, got a mate you want to forget?” He mocked me with a roll of the eyes. His second glance made his expression change and realize I was serious. “You do, don’t you?”

“Perhaps.”

“I didn’t know you were mated.” Ryder frowned and narrowed his eyes. “Who is it?”

Who was it? Your brother. I couldn’t just openly share that. I was ashamed, but I was more ashamed by the real truth and that being Zane wanted me as much as I wanted this situation.

“Do you, or don’t you?” I asked him.

“I do. It’s simple to make if I ever run out.” Ryder reached for my hand, which I didn’t realize was shaking until he wrapped his around it. “I can’t just hand it out, Allie, but if you really need it, just tell me who and why.”

I couldn’t tell him who.

I couldn’t tell him why.

So, I let out a low sigh. “I was just asking, didn’t say I wanted it.”

Our eyes locked, and his racked mine for answers. Answers he wasn’t going to find.

“What are you two doing?” Zane’s voice pulled us out of our little thing.

“Um, nothing.” Ryder let go of my hand and turned to look at Zane. “What… what are you doing here?”

“Called you two and didn’t get an answer.” Zane’s hard eyes looked at me for a moment. “We are finished and why the hell aren’t you two?”

“Got distracted,” Ryder shot back as an answer. It was somewhat true.

“Well, can you two hurry up because I really want to head home.” Ebony was at Zane’s side now, and I noticed her new handbag. It looked like someone had managed to do some shopping for herself.

“We’ll pay for these, and then we are done.” Ryder grabbed the cart and shot me a wink as he headed to the counter.

I felt like a bomb of information had just hit me; hard.

Zane’s fingers wrapped around my upper arm, stopping me as I walked past him. “You ok?” His eyes weren’t cold, but they were numb. I never could see into his emotions, and it bothered me.

Yet it seemed he could see mine easily.

“Fine.”

“You’re lying.”

“So, what if I am? Isn’t any of your concern.”

“Actually,” Ebony spoke up. “It kind of is, considering you’re his mate.”

My mouth dropped, and I turned to look at her, then back at him. “You told her?” I hissed. Why would he do that! “You actually told her that!”

“Oh, come on, Allie, he’s my best friend, so you can’t expect him to keep secrets from me.” Ebony crossed her arms and tapped a foot. “He needed someone to talk to about this mess.”

“There isn’t a mess,” I snarled at her. “There is nothing.” I gave Zane a pointed look. “Nothing at all between us.”

“Between you?” Ryder was back, shopping bags in hand.

“Nothing.” I went to take a few of the bags off him. “Let’s just go.”

Yes, let's go before I either punch Ebony for not keeping her nose out of our business, or punch Zane for sharing it with her.

Ebony gave me a smug look as we walked past her. I could feel my temper building, so I increased my pace.

Why would Zane tell her that? My anger was blanketed for a moment when I really thought about it. If he had told her, that means she knows he can’t really love her. Why would he tell her that, when it is sure to end anything between them?