Jaymes

My heart sinks. I close my eyes and mentally beat myself up. How can I let him leave when he came here so sweetly searching for me? Damn it. I open my eyes and see Jose staring back at me. “You okay?” he asks.

He’s not nearly as interesting to look at as Derrick. “I am. I’m good. Really good.”

Jose shrugs. “Cool.”

I run past him, through the showroom, and around a Hyundai. Shoving the entrance door open I run out into the daylight. Derrick is getting in his car when I shout, “Hey!”

When he looks my way I suddenly feel like one of those girls on the tarmac when The Beatles came to America for the first time. Another fan vying for the great musician’s attention. My arms lower . . . ah, screw it. I run to him, wishing I were in sneakers instead of these high heels. Coming to a stop right in front of him, he stands still, door still open, sunglasses covering his eyes, hair lightened by the sun, and just enough stubble to make me wonder if he shaved for me today. “Hey,” he says.

But I’m still caught up wondering if he was always this gloriously handsome. “You’re tall.”

“You’re kind of short.” He looks down, but takes his time working that gaze back up. “Even in those shoes.”

“There are two sandwiches.”

“Thought you might be hungry.”

I can’t stop my smile listening to him try to act like what he did was no big deal at all. “That’s a lot of food. Maybe you might stay and eat one with me? And was that strawberry shake for me?”

Although he fills out the rock-star status nicely, I see the boy I once loved so easily when his shoulders shift down and he relaxes. “Yeah.”

“Come back with me. Please?” I hold out my hand, needing to give him those few minutes he asked for. I owe him that. I owe him more, but I start with this peace offering, “I’m sorry.”

The twitch in his neck isn’t exaggerated, but I see it. I know him. I know this man before me, like no other. He always hated apologies, even more so when they were mine . . .

The pads of his thumbs wipe away my tears. His lips caress my cheek, and then he whispers, “Lovers. Soul mates. Friends. Those three words come with three others—trust, love, and forgiveness. They’re not given. They already exist between us, baby.”

Looking up into his indigo eyes I get lost in my love for him. It’s deeper than the ocean and vaster than the universe, but it keeps me here, gravitationally pulled to him. I don’t know when it happened or why we fell like we did, but I cling to it, to him. “I don’t deserve you.”

He chuckles. “You’re right. You deserve better.”

“Don’t say that.” I run my hands over his chest, underneath the leather jacket and around his middle until I’m fully pressed to him with my ear over his heart. The beat is strong like his arms around me.

“It’s true, but guess what?”

“What?” I tilt my head up and wait.

“You’re kind of stuck with me.”

The smile on my lips feels good, like him. “Why do you love me, Derrick?”

Reaching down, he grabs my ass. “Because you’re hot.”

I giggle. “That’s it? You like the way I look?”

He leans against the side of his truck and crosses his legs at the ankle. Scanning me down and then back up, he runs his thumb over his bottom lip. When he finally speaks, he says, “It’s a nice package, but it’s your heart I’m after.”

“Such a charmer.”

“Maybe that will be my next tattoo.”

The glare is instant. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“It was inevitable.”

“I know,” I reply, the disappointment engulfed by the sadness I feel for our situation. “We’re never getting out, are we?”

Taking my hands, he parts his feet and pulls me close. The warmth of his hands cradles my face. “I promise I’ll get us out of here and I’ll always take care you.” The heavy breath tasting of peppermint fills my mouth as he kisses me. He’s always so gentle, but not now. Desperation fills our kiss, but we part, panting and searching each other’s eyes. “If anything ever happens to me—”

“Stop saying stuff like that. We’ll leave before it gets worse.”

Worse. He’ll be killed and where will that leave me? A body without a soul? “You’re marked for life, branded to them.”

“Branded to me. It’s only a tattoo.”

“It’s across your whole back.”

“Good. We won’t have to look at it much.” Rubbing my arms, he asks, “What was your plan anyway?”

“I wanted to stop them. I wanted you to stay you.”

Taking my hand to his lips, he kisses it and brings me back to him. “I’m me. As long as I’m with you, I’m me. No tattoo is gonna change that unless you hate Rebel.”

“I don’t hate Rebel. I hate what the nickname represents. I love you.”

The questions are seen in his eyes when he asks, “You’d leave with me, right?”

“Any day. Anything to leave this hell behind.”

“What if we never make it to heaven?”

“We’ll always have each other.”

“I love you, Jaymes.”

Though the air is heavy with our circumstance, I manage to smile. “Why do you always call me Jaymes?”

“Because everyone else calls you Jamie.”

“But I’ll always be your baby.” I spin away from him.

“That you will.” I’m promptly pulled back in, dipped, and kissed like in the movies. Deep. Real. Raw. Passion. Love. Forever. He says it all without saying a word.

. . . He asks, “What are you sorry for?”

“Brunch and how abruptly it ended.” Looking down, I whisper, “Us and how abruptly we ended.”

“So, you do have a lunch break?

Glancing over my shoulder, I see David leaving out the side door. He’ll be gone to lunch at least an hour if not more. “No, but I’m taking one anyway.” My eyes meet his again.

“Look, we don’t have to dwell on the past, not right now. How about we just enjoy your lunch break?”

“I’d like that.” As we walk back in, I don’t tell him I don’t have an official lunch break today because I have to leave early for class. I also don’t tell him that I’ve missed him so much that my heart still aches for him. Or that when I dream, I dream of him holding me again. We sit across from each other and I do tell him what I should have told him years earlier. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you in front of the guys when you got the Rebel tattoo.”

“Why did you cry?”

“I think I was crying for our lost youth. Sounds silly to say that at twenty-three, but I feel much older than my years these days. Anyway, at the time, I thought I lost you to Reggie and the . . . guys.”

“Call it what it is—a gang. But to be clear on one thing, you never lost me, Jaymes. I was across town, not across the country. I should’ve checked on you. I should have done more, but I was hurt. That’s silly, not that you mourned for youth. I get it. I sucked it up that day because I had to. There was no more stalling and I wasn’t ready to leave you. At eighteen, I knew you wouldn’t come.”

“I couldn’t. I wish I would have though.”

“You’re doing so good, Jaymes. You really are. You don’t have much school left either. You’ll have a degree, something I never got. My smart girl. Always so damn smart.”

Hearing him call me his girl is like an arrow to my heart. I take a deep breath, inhaling his words deep into my soul where only he’s allowed to visit.

“You’re making me blush, Derrick.”

“I like you blushing. If you’re blushing, you’ve lowered those walls that you carry like a fortress around you.”

“I know you so well, but sometimes I forget that someone out there knows me just as well.” Leaning in, I whisper, “Don’t tell anyone I let you in or they’ll all want in.” I laugh.

“Your secret’s safe with me.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

“Ha!”

“Ask away.”

“You’re not seeing anyone, are you?”

“No.”

“Is that why you started coming around?”

“No.” A playful smirk appears.

I take a sip of the shake when he seems to be intent on keeping his secret. “This is delish. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Are you going to eat?”

Unwrapping the sandwich, he laughs. “Sure.” It’s a carefree laugh, and one I remember from years ago. He was always easy to be with, and if the tension weren’t here because of our past, or he wasn’t a rock star and loved by the world, I know I’d feel just as comfortable now.

But things have changed.

Reggie.

His threat from last night comes racing back. Derrick takes his first bite, and I say what I have to say, “It’s been good seeing you again—”

“It’s been good seeing you again, too.”

“Please. Stop being so nice.”

That makes him gut chuckle. “Now I’m too nice? That might be a first, Jaymes.”

“No,” I say, sighing. “Just let me get this out.”

His sandwich is discarded and I get his full attention. “It’s good to see you again, but I can’t keep seeing you.”

“You said that the other day. Something about no time for any relationships.”

“Unfortunately, that’s where I am in life. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you.”

“I think that’s like your fourth sorry in less than fifteen minutes.”

Setting my sandwich down, I say, “I am though. So sorry for so many things.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want to know what’s going on.”

“Life, Derrick.”

“Life? Like I’m not living one?”

“You’re living a big one and I’m just trying to survive while raising my son.”

“It’s not bigger than yours. You’re a mother. God, Jaymes. You’re a mother. That’s amazing. You are amazing.”

I turn away from him. His pride feels unwarranted. I’ve failed in so many ways. If only I could change the past. “I’m not. I’m barely getting by.” My life feels so little compared to his.

“Don’t believe the lies in your head. What you’re doing, raising Ace, is the most important job ever.”

Peeking back up at the attractive, passionate man across from me, I say, “It’s not glamorous like yours.”

“I can’t lie. I love performing live. The energy. The excitement.”

“You were born to be on that stage.”

“You always believed in me, even when I didn’t. I just want you to know that all the success you see, it’s yin and yang. Life balances itself. With the good, you get the bad. I like recording in the studio. I dig the travel. But it’s wearing me down. It’s hard sometimes . . . or maybe it’s just lonely.”

“Why are you lonely? You’re surrounded by thousands of people who adore you every day.”

“But I’m only looking for one.” He pauses and I think it’s the first time I see him a little unsteady. I know I am from the turn this conversation has taken. He fills the seconds, breaking my heart a little more by saying, “Despite the house I own, I feel lost, homeless at times. My north star has moved and I can’t seem to find it.”

“You have a home—”

“No, I have a house.” Leaning in, he glances to the door, then back to me. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

I lean back, away from him. “You shouldn’t think about me at all.”

“I shouldn’t?”

Standing up, I grab my sandwich, my appetite gone anyway, and toss it. “I have to get back to work.”

“What are you doing?”

“I have to go before I get in trouble by my boss.”

He meets me by the door, throwing his uneaten food away. “No. What. Are. You. Doing?”

I know what he means, but with last night’s encounter too fresh in my mind, I know what I need to do. My heart be damned. “You’ve got to stop this. No more coming around. No more meet-ups with the moms.” I look away from him, not wanting for him to see how hard this is for me. “No, nothing. Whatever this is between us can’t turn into more.” My eyes go wide and I point at his mouth. “No. No. Whatever you’re thinking, stop. Whatever that smirky smirk thing you’re doing, don’t.”

“What am I thinking?” His body presses to mine and my back hits the wall, knocking the light switch. The room is dark, but the light from the showroom reveals his every bad intention. Tempting my body, his lips entice when he leans down and whispers, “What am I doing?”

I know I shouldn’t. Everything that matters is now at risk, but my soul misses him in ways that I can’t let go. My fight weakens. I can almost remember the life I once shared with him. The beat of my heart quickens. “We shouldn’t.”

“We should.”

“This is bad.” My breath comes short.

“I’ll make you feel so good.” His counteroffer is so tempting.

My arms wrap around his neck. “Derrick?”

He takes me in his arms. “Jaymes?”

“One kiss and that’s it.”

“Or two or three,” he replies, cutting a deal. His nose slides along the bridge of mine. “Then I’ll go. I promise.”

“Swear?”

Our lips come together and my body gives in, molding to his as if we were never apart. He speaks of performing on stage in the same way I feel about this kiss—the energy, the excitement. I was born to kiss this man and I wish I could spend my life doing it.

Large hands rub along my middle and soft moans escape him. I inhale him and his sweet sounds, loving this . . . loving him too much.