Jaymes

I’ve made a mess of him and by the red lipstick all over his penis I can only imagine how I must look. I attempt to slink away to the bathroom and clean up before he has a chance to look at me, but I’m caught by the waist and pulled to the mattress beside him. “Don’t hide. I want to see how fucking beautiful you are after making me come.”

His dirty words elicit a soft whimper that I regret the second after I realize I did it. All my boldness, my empowerment from the clothes and makeup and hair is disappearing and I realize I just want him to love me for me. So I roll toward him and let him take me in—messy and disastrous I’m sure, but this is me after being together so intimately. “You’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. That has never changed from the moment I saw you in that short dress with the flowers on it and that denim jacket.”

“You remember that?”

“I remember everything about you. You wore thick wool socks and a pair of deep-red combat boots.”

“They were knock-offs. We couldn’t afford Doc Martens. I found them at a resale shop for three dollars because the heel had split from the shoe. I used to use super glue to keep them together.”

“I liked them on you.”

She pushes against my chest. “I think you would say just about anything right now.”

“You’re wrong. I don’t have to say stuff to impress you. I just have to be honest.”

“You have me all figured out, do you?”

“No, I wish I did, but I do know that the truth goes a long way with you these days, so I won’t lie to you, Jaymes.”

Reaching between us, I find his hand and our fingers entwine. “When you left that day, Reggie was pulled over the same evening on an anonymous tip the cops had received.” He stiffens between us, but doesn’t say a word. “He wasn’t taken in.”

“What?”

“I won’t lie to you either. Not anymore. I went by your house that afternoon, but you were turning the corner, driving erratic, so I followed you worried you had finally succumbed to doing what you swore to me you wouldn’t.”

“I wouldn’t do heroine. No way.”

“But I didn’t know that.”

“I told you. I gave you my word I wouldn’t. Was my word worth nothing?”

“Your word was as good as your actions and you were acting strange the previous few days. I know what you did. I saw how you set Reggie up to take the fall.”

“God, Jaymes.” His hands slide over his face and he starts pacing. “What did you do?”

“I thought I was helping. Like I said, I thought you weren’t thinking clearly.”

Stopping in front of me on the bed, his words are tight. “What. Did. You. Do?”

Panic rises, making it hard to breathe. “I . . . I waited for you to leave and found the package under his seat. I took it and flushed it all down my toilet.”

“Why?” he yells. “It was the perfect fucking plan. He would have gone down for life.”

Crawling back on the bed away from him, my words come stuttering out, “I didn’t know that. I, I thought, I thought he’d be released and he’d come for you.”

“Instead he came for you.”

Lies don’t separate us anymore. Neither do omissions.

Here we are caught in the middle of the hurricane we created.

Coming around to the side of the bed, he sits next to me. The heaviness of our exposed acts weigh his throat down and I hear him swallow. “It was a good plan.”

“A great plan. I just wish I would have been in on it.”

“Me too.”

A light knock is followed by Dex asking, “Everything okay?”

I look up at Derrick and sigh. He nods, understanding the weight of the world I’ve been carrying around with me all these years. Taking my hand in his, our fingers entwine again, and he replies, “All’s good.”

Helping me off the bed, he pulls me into the bathroom, and positions himself behind me. My makeup isn’t as messy as I thought it would be. My hair is messier. But his arms slide around me and he’s kissing my temple, so all that superficial stuff fades away. At the end of the day, we made a decision, took a path, and paid the price. Now, all we can do is live with it. Having that off my shoulders gives me peace. Peace I’ve needed for a long time.

---

Sitting in a private dining room at the hotel’s sushi restaurant, I look around at the four couples and Tommy. Introductions have been made and conversation is lively. I have finally met the man Derrick refers to as his best friend. This is huge.

Kaz Fabian has his own very intriguing story to tell, and so opposite of Derrick’s, but I see how they get on—teasing and joking, but honestly and genuine. His fiancée and I hit it off right off the bat. Lara Kessler has been telling me how she’s been decorating Derrick’s mom’s house and that his mom just adores me and has these photos of Derrick and me in frames that she wants to keep out even with the new décor. She says, “So I talked her into new frames.”

“I can’t wait to see.”

She leans in and whispers, “Between us, I’ve heard a lot about you in the last year. I don’t even think Derrick realizes how much a part of his life you’ve been.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sure you know about the guitar, but Kaz said Derrick used to mumble about a James in his sleep. He thought he was referring to a man and just wasn’t ready to come out yet.”

“I’m surprised Kaz never asked.”

“Oh God, no. Kaz is all about being who you are and supporting that. Heaven knows I went through hell and he was right there however I needed him to be. Derrick’s that way too. He has the biggest heart. A little hot tempered, but who doesn’t want a friend willing and ready to fight for you?”

“That’s Derrick. He used to hit first and ask questions after.”

“Once at an awards show he punched my ex-boyfriend just to back Kaz up.” I watch as her eyes drift to something I can’t see in the distance, her memories. “I think he would have punched the world if he could because of all the anger he had tied up in him.”

“But?”

Her attention turns to me. “But?”

“I thought there would be a but.”

Smiling, she says, “But you came back.”

Into his life. I came back. “I’m starting to think there’s a conspiracy to see Derrick with somebody, especially when I look around this table.”

“Not somebody. You.”

“You’re making me feel special and you don’t even know me.”

She laughs and sips her glass of wine. “We may not know you, but we all know about you. There was never going to be anyone else even if he thought it possible.”

“How possible did he think it would be?”

“Don’t even go there, honey. Trust me, it’s a no-win situation. Just know where his heart lies now. That’s all that matters.”

“What if I’m as temporary as the other possibilities?”

“You sitting here tonight should put your mind at ease.”

This is new information. “He’s never brought a date to dinner with you?”

“No. He hasn’t. This dinner, he organized.”

Derrick’s hand covers my thigh and begins to rub. When I look to the other side of me, he’s chatting with Tommy about some equipment, but his hand continues mindlessly. He won’t know how that makes me feel, warm and cared for, or how he’s treating me the exact opposite of temporary. He’s treating me like we do this all the time, like we’re together every day. It’s natural and comforting.

This dinner, he organized. I cover his hand, and hold it until he looks my way. Leaning over, I kiss him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“This weekend, brunch with the moms, coming by that night to pick up your mom just to see me. For lying in the grass with me when I obviously made a fool of myself and tried to play it off. For bringing my textbook up to my work when we were only seventeen because I forgot it at home the night before a test.” The lines soften around his eyes and it’s funny, but I never noticed before. I love that I’m sitting here witnessing another stage of his life with him. “For remembering what I was wearing the first time you saw me. And for making love to me with care but not treating me like I’ll break.”

“Any time.”

“I have one more.” His hand flips over so our palms are together. “Thank you for accepting my son and treating him like he’s your own. If that scares you that I’m voicing that, I totally understand, and I won’t do it again. I just need you to know that I see how you treat him and I see how taken he is with you. Thank you.”

“It’s been my complete pleasure to spend years of my life with you. I would never pass up a chance to spend more time with you and your son. I can make you that promise, Jaymes, and keep it.”

“I don’t want to go home tomorrow and I don’t want you to leave to wherever the band is off to. Call me selfish, but I feel like I just got you back and now you have to go away again. I shouldn’t feel this way, I know, but I’m already starting to miss you.”

“Three weeks and then you’ll be sick of me hanging all over you, following you around like a lovesick puppy. You know, pathetically head over heels in love kind of stuff. I might even write a few love songs and serenade you. I can already tell it’s not going to be pretty.”

“I’ll take pathetically head over heels in love kind of stuff any day over not seeing your face at all.”

“We can FaceTime. And get a sitter when I come back. I guarantee you a reunion you’ll never forget.” My hand is brought to his lips again, a small smile locked in his kiss.

“I like the sound of that.”

“In the meantime, we have tonight.”

---

When the guys head off for the concert, we all head back to change clothes. There’s no way I’m standing around in five-inch heels and a dress at a concert. I’ll break my ankle. Jeans and a T-shirt it is!

But not just any.

I scored a band shirt from Holli. What I didn’t expect to find was a gift from Derrick waiting in the suite. I haven’t opened a gift all by myself in years. Usually Ace sticks out his bottom lip and guilts me into letting him open it. So I rip the paper off like it’s Christmas morning and open the lid.

That sweet man.

The burgundy of the leather is pristine, the size of the combat boots perfect. I may not be fifteen anymore, but I can’t believe I finally have my first pair of Doc Martens.

He is so getting laid later.

I get dressed and touch up my makeup before going to say good night to Ace, who is with the other kids and a nanny for a few hours. “I’ll come get you later, but go to bed when they tell you to, okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees begrudgingly, looking sad.

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

“I want to stay with CJ and Neil.”

“You want to sleepover again?” Does it make me a horrible person that I wouldn’t mind one more night with Derrick? Mom guilt. “Did you ask Rochelle and Dex?”

“They said it was up to you.”

“I think it would be good for him to try again.” I look over at Rochelle and she’s nodding. “We’re happy to have him if you’re okay with it.”

“As long as you are.”

“The boys would love it and I think it’s good for you and Ace as well.”

“That sounds like a yes, Ace.”

He hugs me tight, and says, “I love you.”

“Love you, too. You have a fun night and I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“’Kay.”

Rochelle meets me at the door and we walk out together. “Ready to see that hot rocker of yours?”

“More than ready.”