Derrick

There are always two options.

Two roads.

Two paths.

Right and wrong.

Left and right.

Yin and yang.

Good and evil.

Choices.

Decisions.

Outcomes.

So much goes into deciding where this life leads. Some fate. Some destiny. Some great. Some bad. But we have to learn from those bad decisions, learn from our mistakes and hope we don’t make them again.

Devastation should never exist in Jaymes Grenier’s world, but it does. I control my expressions—my eyes, my mouth, my breathing, my whole body—except for my hands. As I stare into her mossy-green eyes, watch her tears fall to the floor, I can’t control my hands. Tightening. Loosening. Fisting to the point of my bones aching.

“Blink, Derrick.”

I blink.

She says, “Breathe.”

I fill my lungs and then blow slowly out.

“Say something. Please. You’re scaring me.”

I blink and breathe, then ask, “I’m scaring you?”

Sucking in a jagged breath, she whips it out in a flurry of words. “I didn’t mean it like that. You don’t scare me. Not like that. I meant I was worried. By your silence. By your hands. I can see you’re upset.”

“Upset? Yes, Jaymes. I’m upset because you’re upset.”

Inching closer to me, she says, “If I tell you this, I need you to make me a promise.”

“I can’t do that and you’re going to tell me anyway.”

She stands, and I get up off the floor. Hugging me, she tilts her head down against my chest. When I bring my arms around her, she whispers, “You need to keep your voice down. Ace is sleeping and I don’t want to worry my mom.” She looks up, resting her chin on me. “Can you do that for me?”

For you? Anything for you. “Okay.”

She leads me back to the couch and we sit down. I don’t know if I’m blinking or breathing or what I’m doing. I know I’m imagining the worst. Her tears have dried and I failed to be the one to dry them. I failed. I failed her.

“I got away. I thought I could make it to my bedroom.” She stops to reflect or to remember. “I made the wrong choice. I should have gone for the knife in the kitchen, but he was high, so I thought maybe he would be slow.”

The beat of my heart rumbles through my ears.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

She continues, her eyes focused on me, her voice not trembling or upset, but matter-of-fact. No emotion, just retelling the facts of the night. I touch her arm, which seems to shake her into the present. “Hey,” I say, “you only have to tell me if you want to. If you can’t, I’ll understand.”

“I’ve carried this a long time. Too long. I’m tired. I’m tired of the power it has over me. I’m tired of the power he has over me.”

“Jaymes, you need to tell me what happened.”

“He was fast. He caught me before I could get the door closed. Tackled me to the floor and pinned me.” She peeks over at me with shame filling her eyes. “I fought, Derrick. I promise you. I fought.”

What the fuck is happening? What the fuck happened to my girl? A sickening fills me, bile rising until the taste of metal replaces it. “Are you telling me he raped you?”

I. Will. Fucking. Kill. Him.

“Keep your voice low. Please calm—”

“I never promised to stay calm,” I whisper-fucking-yell. I’m on my feet and pacing, but I want to punch the fucking wall or better yet, Reggie.

“Please don’t wake Ace. He has nightmares sometimes. Tonight he’s sleeping. He needs it.”

In my anger, I find clarity.

Ace.

My eyes flash to hers. The air stalls around us, the truth suffocating. When she looks down, I know. “Don’t say it, Derrick.” It’s not a threat, but it’s a warning.

We’re in uncharted territory. I don’t say a word. I can’t for fear my voice will crack under the heartbreak.

She was violated, violated by someone she should have never trusted. Violated because I left. Fuck.

She didn’t betray me by sleeping with him. I should have known better the minute I heard the news. “I should have come back for you. I should have called. I should hav—”

“You wouldn’t be here if you had, so despite all I’ve been through, you’re safe.”

“I could have handled him.”

“He doesn’t play with toy guns, Derrick. He’s shot people. He just hasn’t been caught. Fortunately, they lived, but he’s made everyone well aware that he’s got a bullet with your name on it.” When she continues, she says, “I know you’re blaming yourself, but don’t. We all played a part, made decisions—good or bad—that got us here today.”

Four steps divide us, but not for long. I walk right over and sit next to her, pull her against me, and hold her. “We can change the future, Jaymes. Leave your job. Let me help you.”

“No. You’re not giving me your money or buying me a house. I’m still considering the plane tickets.” She looks up and a small smile is there.

“Get away from this place for just one weekend.”

“What about us?”

“Give me one weekend. That’s all I ask.”

“You make it very tempting.”

“Just say yes. Come away with me. You and Ace.”

Leaning back, she looks tired. Her eyes are on mine but she’s drained emotionally, the weight of this conversation dragging her under. She lifts her legs and sets them across my lap. Gravitating to her, I rub up and down her soft skin a few times before lifting her right up and settling next to her with her back to my chest. Her hands are cold when she covers mine, but her words are warm. “We’ll come see you.”

I kiss the back of her head. “I’m happy about that, but I need you to know that I’m sorry for leaving like I did. I’m more sorry for what happened. If I would have stayed—”

Spinning around in my arms, her finger covers my mouth. “He would have killed you. And how would I have gone on after that?”

She’s letting me off the hook, but I know what I did was wrong, even if what I did to him was right. My eyes home in on hers. “Just like you did. You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Your mother is a strong woman.”

“So is yours, but you, you’re special. Ace is so lucky to have you.”

A gentle smile sweeps across her lips. “I’m lucky to have him. He’s the best result one could ever get from what I went through.” The tips of her fingers run along my jaw. “Promise me you’ll never see him again.”

I don’t have to ask whom. I know who she’s talking about and I can’t make that promise. “It’s not a promise I can keep. Not now.”

Sitting up, she angles toward me. “Derrick, don’t go starting trouble on my behalf. I’ve got enough as it is. Things are mostly peaceful. We rarely see him.”

“Tumultuous. That’s how you described your relationship with him. Has he ever touched you again?” The memories scroll through her thoughts. I see the hesitation in her eyes. “You don’t have to answer. Your silence says enough.”

“I don’t want you involved.”

“Too late.”

“Because I told you?”

“No, because you didn’t. You’ve been fighting that fucker for five years. You don’t have to fight him alone. How does he even have any visitation much less custody rights? He’s a fucking gang leader. A known criminal.”

“I’m tired. I stayed up until three a.m. last night working on a paper due tomorrow. Please. Can we please not do this tonight?”

She’s tough. Damn tougher than I am. I’m all about the physical, but she’s got inner strength. I relent and let it go for tonight. For her. As for Reggie Rogers, he’s about to have his world flipped upside down. Again.

---

Leaving Jaymes last night was pure bullshit. I don’t think I slept at all after she sent me home. It’s now catching up with me on the plane. I’m out before we even take off.

I’m awoken by Tommy calling us sorry fucks for partying so hard the night before a tour. Kaz laughs. “I think you might be responsible for that.”

Tommy joins in, laughing. “I can’t help that the girls love me.”

I’ve missed a part of this conversation, but don’t care to catch up. Looking at the time, it’s late enough for me to text Jaymes. Hey, we left, but if you have a chance, maybe you can call me sometime.

Okay, I’m officially a pussy because when she texts me back right away, I’m rereading every word over and over and smiling from ear to ear. I’ll call you on my break.

She’ll call me on her break. Yes!

I fist-pump, but when I look up, Kaz is shaking his head and laughing to himself. “I’m not going to say a word.”

“Good.”

“Except I told you so.”

“Go ahead.”

“I already did. My work here is done.”

Leaning forward, I say, “Hey.”

He looks up from his phone. “What?”

“If I tell you some shit, will you keep it between us?”

Kaz looks half-offended that I even preface my question like that. The other half has to be curious. His hand comes out and we shake. “You know you can tell me anything. We’re friends. You’re my best friend. You’ve always had my back. I’ll always have yours.”

“Thanks.” Scanning the plane, I spot Tommy with his eyes closed and his earbuds in. Dex is asleep on the couch. Johnny is in the bedroom. When I feel it’s sufficiently safe to open up, I say, “I used to be in a gang.”

Staring at me, he asks, “Like a band gang?”

Annoyed, I lean back in my chair. “What the fuck is a band gang?”

He shrugs and chuckles. “I have no idea. What do you mean?”

“Drugs and guns and shit like that.”

“You sold drugs?”

“No, but the others did.” My defenses go up. They shouldn’t, but I feel judged. “Look, we can’t all be fucking princes.”

“Don’t be an asshole. I was trying to understand. You’ve never mentioned this before.” I look out the window. We’re stuck in the clouds, lost in the gray. “Why are you telling me this?” he asks. “And why now?”

“I saw Jaymes last night and found out some stuff that drudged up old feelings.”

“Gang feelings?”

“Fuck you,” I say, laughing. “Yes, my delicate gang feelings.”

He drinks his Gatorade as soon as it’s served. When the flight attendant returns to the front of the plane, he says, “Whatever nest has been disturbed, you better hope the snakes stay put. Don’t get the band mixed up in some old mess.”

“That’s what I’m trying to keep in mind.”

“Don’t keep it in mind, man. Stay focused. The band is all that matters.”

“Bullshit. Lara matters to you. Jaymes matters to me. The band matters.”

He nods, and I continue, “But what would you do if Lara was being threatened?”

“You know what Lara and I have been through, so I’ve been there. How is Jaymes being threatened?”

“I can’t say.”

“What can you say?”

“Not much. I just need to get her out of the situation she’s in.”

“And what does she say?”

“She doesn’t want my charity.”

“One thing I learned with Lara was the more patience I showed, the more she opened up. Trust is huge. You need it or you’re sunk before you even have a chance.” He starts putting his headphones on, but stops and says, “Really, I just fought for her and she was worth it.”

So is Jaymes. I didn’t fight for her before, but now I’ll do whatever I have to do for her and Ace. Despite what happened to her, that kid is like his mother—a fighter, and a hugger. He hugged me twice the first day I met him. We were instant buds. I’m glad they have each other. I still don’t know how she does everything she does with such grace, not asking for a thing. She’s got her life together way more than me. I’ve just been luckier in a few ways.

When we’re landing, Kaz looks around like we’re part of some secret agent shit, then says, “So the tattoo . . . Rebel—”

“It was an initiation, hazing kind of thing.”

“And here I thought you were just that badass.”

“It was the tattoo or lose the second finger on my left hand.” I unsnap my seatbelt and stand. “There was no fucking way I was going to lose that finger.”

“You wouldn’t have been able to play guitar.”

“Oh I’d figure out a way to play. It’s my ring finger though. Once I’m married, that shit is getting shown off.”

His eyes go wide. “The burn out is getting to you, man. You realize you’re talking about long-term commitment, right? You definitely need a few days off.”

Laughing, I reply, “Just had the best break of my life. I’m good.” Better than I’ve been in ages. As soon as I’m in the SUV heading to the hotel in Sacramento, I get the text I’ve been waiting for.

I can’t wait to see you again.

If I thought I was lucky before, finding fame and fortune, I know I’m the damn luckiest guy in the world now.