CHAPTER TEN
CALDER
That was too close.
My jaw hurts from clenching. My mind won’t slow down. I’ve been pacing the same spot on the floor for so long that I’m surprised I haven’t worn a hole into the boards.
It was only a false alarm, I remind myself. Lily is fine—for now—and the doctor said she was only having Braxton-Hicks contractions, probably made worse by stress. But even though she’s now safe in our bed, I still can’t seem to make myself calm down. When it comes time for the real thing… I don’t even want to think about it.
“There’s no need to be so worked up,” Lily tells me. “Everything is fine. Come to bed.”
“Everything is not all right,” I say. “Your mother upset you so much that you—”
“It was my dad’s fault, too,” she says. “And it was a false alarm. I’m all right. No harm done.”
“Maybe not this time, but I’m not willing to take that chance again.” I resume my pacing. “That woman needs to go.”
“I agree,” she says. “And she’s already looking for a place. But in the meantime, she has nowhere else to go and—”
“There are a hundred places she could go,” I say. “She’s managed to survive without you for most of her life. She’s a resourceful woman. I’m sure she can figure something out.”
Lily takes a deep breath. “I know you’re a little upset—”
“A little? Lily, that woman—”
“—but it’s too late to do anything about it tonight.”
I stop pacing and look down at her. She looks so soft, so frail right now—and so vulnerable. Beneath the exhaustion in her eyes is something unspeakably tender and afraid.
“We need to figure something out,” I say, gently but firmly. “I can’t do this, Lily. I can’t watch her do this to you.”
“It was a difficult pregnancy even before she showed up,” Lily says. “There was always a high chance of me ending up on bed rest, even without her around.”
“But that woman isn’t helping. I don’t want you to have any stressors, anything that upsets you in even the slightest way.”
She closes her eyes. “I’d be upset if we kicked her out. I’d be worried about her.”
The same way she worried about you all these years? I want to ask her. You were a child when she left, but that didn’t stop her from thinking only about herself. But I don’t say it. I don’t need to remind her of the truth. She knows the truth, but she’s stubbornly ignoring it anyway.
“I don’t want to argue anymore,” she says softly, opening her eyes and reaching her hand out to me. “Come to bed.”
I move closer to the bed and clasp her fingers in mine. “I’m afraid I’m too worked up to go to bed.”
“I can work with that,” she says. She lifts my hand to her lips and kisses the inside of my palm. Her tongue licks against my skin.
At the first touch, desire rushes through me. It would be easy to sink down onto the bed and take her, to distract myself from my thoughts in the pleasure of her body. But that wouldn’t be right.
“I think we should take a break tonight,” I say, and though I don’t take my hand completely out of her grip, I still pull it away from her soft mouth.
“Are you sure about that?” she says in that sweet, innocent tone that gets me every time. The look she’s giving me doesn’t help, either. “I could use a little release right now.”
Me too, I think. But things have changed. “You’re on bed rest. That means you need to rest.” It takes all of my effort to say those words.
“I don’t want to rest. I just want to be in your arms.”
And God, that’s where I want her, too. I want to devour her, to spare no part of her skin from my lips. I want to assure myself that every inch of her is all right. That she’s well and whole and healthy. That her heart still beats as it should and our son still moves inside of her. It doesn’t matter what she says—I can’t look at her without seeing the risk. She’s everything to me. Everything. And having her now feels too dangerous—no less because I know she’s trying to distract me from the real issue again.
“Seduction won’t work on me tonight,” I say, pulling out of her grip. “We need to figure out what we’re going to do about your mother.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I see the emotions flicker across her face—surprise, anger, fear, hurt. I don’t think I’ve ever rejected her advances before, but I know I can’t tell her the truth—that my cock is already half hard, that it’s taking all of my power not to pull her into my arms—without losing my resolve.
And then, just when I think the look on her face can’t make me feel any worse, her eyes start to glisten with tears. She squeezes them shut and leans back against her pillow, shaking her head from side to side. Her chest rises and falls with a shuddering breath and her hands grip the comforter.
“I don’t know what to do,” she says in a rough whisper. “Please, please let’s not talk about this tonight. Please.”
Hearing her beg me like that makes my chest ache. God, what have I done? A tear leaks from beneath her dark lashes, and it nearly breaks me. I can’t bear to see her cry. I can’t bear to see her in any sort of pain, and I hate that I’ve done something that made her suffer, even in a small way.
“I’m just so tired,” she says, pressing her hands against her eyes. “I’m so tired. And I don’t know what to do, and I’m confused, and I’m… afraid.”
I sit down on the edge of the bed and take her hand. “Lily, I won’t let anything happen to you.” I’d die before I let any harm come to her. Throw down my life in a heartbeat if I thought it would ease her pain.
“I know,” she says, her eyes still closed. “I know, I just… God, I’m so tired.”
It’s torture, hearing her voice crack like that. Seeing the anxiety in her face. And I’m sitting here like a damned helpless fool, unable to do a single fucking thing.
“Get some sleep,” I tell her. “I don’t want you thinking or worrying about anything else.” I slide my hand across her cheek, even though I know she’s beyond the place where a gentle touch will give her much comfort. Damn this… damn it straight to hell. Watching her struggle, knowing I can’t take this pain from her, is the worst kind of agony.
“Lie down next to me,” she whispers. “I promise I won’t try to… I just need you to hold me. Just be with me.” Her eyes finally open, and she looks at me with a need that has nothing to do with physical lust.
She doesn’t need to ask me twice. Quickly, I undress and turn down the lights, then slide into bed next to her. She falls into my arms with a shuddering sigh, and I wrap myself around her, holding her against me.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” I tell her again, my fingers grazing her spine.
“I know,” she whispers against my skin. “I… I just…”
The Lily I know is so strong, so stubborn, that hearing her fall apart torments me in a way I don’t know how to bear. It isn’t enough to just hold her. That’s my son she has growing inside of her, and I need to fix this somehow.
“If there’s anything you need, just say the word,” I tell her. “I don’t want you focused on anything but taking care of yourself and our son. I’ll manage everything else.”
She stiffens. “Just promise me you won’t send my mom away.”
I can’t promise her that, not when her mother is a major part of the problem. But even though I don’t say that out loud, she knows how to read my silence.
“Promise me, Calder,” she says.
“Why do you insist on allowing her to disrupt your life?” I say. “Lily, there will be plenty of time to connect with her after our son is here.”
“But she’s here now. She needs our help now.”
“She’s an intelligent, capable woman. She’ll manage for a few weeks just fine, I’m sure.” I press my lips against her hair. “Lily, think of your health. Think of our son’s health. Your mother will still be there after all of this is over.”
Her grip tightens on me. “But what if she isn’t?”
The way she says this—the way her voice breaks on the final word—makes me realize we’ve hit on the core of her fears.
“You think she might leave you again,” I say carefully.
She presses her face into my shoulder. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know what I think.” She lets out a long, shaky breath. “I want to believe that she’s really had a change of heart. I want to believe it so, so badly. And if that’s true, if she’s honestly ready to be a part of my life again… then how can I turn her away? Maybe there’s a reason the universe sent her back into my life now, when I’m about to have a baby. Maybe she and I need each other.” She squeezes me. “But I’m also afraid that… I’m afraid if I let her in, if I find a way to get past all of my anger, she’ll just…”
“She’ll hurt you again,” I finish for her.
She nods against my shoulder. “I guess I’ve just been waiting for her to ask us for money, or to… to… I don’t know what. I don’t know what I think about any of this, and that’s the problem. It’s the not knowing that makes it so hard.” Her lashes tickle my skin. “I know you think I’m crazy, that I’m being blinded by my emotions, but I can’t help it. It doesn’t matter how angry I am or how much she annoys me—I still want her to want me.” She whispers this last part. “I just want her to want me.”
I rest my chin on the top of her head, holding her as close as I can, given the roundness of her belly. She’s quivering beneath my hands, and it’s clear that this is all too much.
“Just sleep,” I tell her. “We don’t need to decide anything tonight.”
She shifts in my arms. “Promise me you won’t send her away.”
“You know I can’t do that, Lily.”
She starts to sit up, but I grab her arms.
“I promise that I will only act in your best interest,” I tell her. “But so help me, Lily, if I think it’s in your best interest to get that woman out of our home, nothing will stop me. Not even you.”
She jerks out of my grip. “I would never, ever force you to turn your back on your family.”
“Even if my health depended on it? Even if our child’s life depended on it?” I sit up beside her.
Fury flashes in her eyes. “Are you still trying to accuse me of not caring about our son’s life?”
“No. I’m saying that your life and our son’s life mean more to me than your mother’s feelings. And I refuse to promise you that I’ll put her needs above yours.”
“That’s not what I was asking.”
“It might as well have been.”
“This is ridiculous,” she says, starting to get out of the bed.
I grab her arms again. God, where did this go wrong? I’m supposed to be calming her, not making her even more upset.
“Please, Lily, just lie down. Get some sleep. You’ve had a really long day.”
For a moment, I think she’s going to fight me, but then she squeezes her eyes shut and all of the energy seems to leave her. Half a dozen emotions war on her face as she sinks back down onto the pillows.
Now just try to get her to sleep without putting your foot in your mouth again. I stand by everything I’ve said tonight, but I won’t push it. Not now.
“We’ll figure out everything tomorrow,” I tell her softly, pulling her toward me again. “Just get some rest.”
She twists so that her back is nestled against my chest. She’s still angry with me—I can tell by the stiffness of her body—but she doesn’t say anything.
I wait until her breathing has slowed, until her muscles begin to relax. And then I slide my hand slowly across her belly. Through her nightdress, beneath my palm, I feel a little push as our son moves inside of her. My chest tightens.
This is what I live for, this life in my arms, I think. I remember feeling my sister’s stomach when she was pregnant, being amazed by the life growing inside of her. But now that it’s my wife, my son… it’s nothing short of miraculous.
“I love you,” I murmur to her. “I love you so much, Lily.”
I can’t tell if she’s still awake. But either way, she doesn’t answer.