Chapter Forty-Five
Brooklyn
A long time ago I’d made a pact with myself that I’d never let myself cry in the gym. I’d never seen anyone else cry in there, so I vowed I wouldn’t, either. Back in those days, I’d been worried they’d accuse me of acting like a girl.
I no longer cared if I was acting like a girl. I was a girl, and I had a lot of respect for the sisterhood in general. Crying didn’t mean you were weak, and it was my good-bye party, so I’d cry if I damn well wanted to.
And boy did I want to. Which was good, because the waterworks had started several minutes ago. Through my sobs I heard the soft tap, tap, tap that’d welcomed me home. Only this time it seemed to be pushing me on my way. Probably because the person hitting the bag was Shane, and he didn’t pause his efforts to come over with the rest of the guys to say good-bye. I supposed I deserved that, and in theory, we’d already had our good-bye.
I hugged the last of the guys who’d been members of the gym and MMA community for years, gave a few are-we-gonna-hug-or-shake-hands shuffles to the newer fighters, and exchanged an awkward nod or two.
Then I turned to my dad and my brothers, and a fresh wave of tears hit me. I’d wanted my dad and I to repair our relationship, although I’d also done plenty to get in the way of allowing for it, and now I was out of time.
He pulled me into a giant bear hug, going so far as to lift me off my feet for a couple of seconds before putting me down. And holy shit, were his eyes misty, or were my tears making me see things?
He cleared his throat, so some kind of emotion was there, and I mirrored it back at him times a dozen. “You sure there’s nothing I can do or say to convince you to stay?”
In spite of everything, he wanted me to, and I supposed that in some ways, that was a victory in and of itself. I looked to Liam, who gave me an encouraging nod/smile combo.
“Sorry, Dad. I’ve got to do this. The exhibition could be the big break I need to get my art recognized, and my internship will help solidify my future in the art world, either way. I know you think painting is a silly hobby, but it’s important to me.”
I wanted him to contradict me, but he didn’t. Considering I’d wanted to end things with Shane on a good note, apparently I wanted a lot of impossible things.
“Good luck,” Dad said.
I’d take it. I glanced over my shoulder at the guy expending his energy by beating the shit out of the bag in the corner. Nothing for me to take there, except for how much I’d screwed things up with him.
You’re doing the right thing, you’re doing the right thing.
It didn’t exactly feel right, but once I settled back into my old life, away from the world I couldn’t keep myself from getting sucked into, it would. Right?
Finn scooped me into his arms next, and I did my best choke-hold, save cutting off enough air for him to actually pass out. “You better visit more,” he said.
“I will,” I promised, although it would be a while. I needed some space, or I might go thinking it wouldn’t be so bad to throw away my dreams and risk a maybe on an incredible fighter who was so different than I’d expected him to be.
Maybe…
No, I’m doing this for both of us. Without the stress of trying to make a relationship work on top of everything else, it’ll be easier for us to achieve our dreams, and this’ll save us a lot of pain and heartbreak down the road. I’m being strong for both of us. Even though right now all I feel is sad and weak.
I moved on to Liam, the big brother I had never thought understood me. Now I realized that in some ways, he did better than anyone else. After all, I suspected he let Chelsea go to follow her dreams, and that he would bend over backward to ensure that Dad, Finn, and even Shane could obtain theirs.
I hugged him tightly and whispered, “Thank you,” in his ear. Then I drew back enough to look him in the eye. “While you’re pulling all the strings and taking on all the stress for everyone else, don’t forget to take care of yourself. I’m not the only one who should get to follow their dream.”
I almost left it, but I couldn’t help myself. “And please call Chelsea. Just to say hi or whatever. It might help you be at least semi-bearable for these other guys to be around.”
He gave me a crooked smile. “Couldn’t just let it go, could you?”
“It’s something I learned from my big brother.”
“Me,” Finn said, inserting himself into our bubble, so obviously he’d heard my advice.
With all the hugs doled out, it was time for me to go hop in my Mustang and drive off into the sunset. Metaphorically, of course, or I’d be driving into the ocean, and my car was a classic, not a submarine.
I paused for one last glance at the fighter still hitting the bag, begging him to look my way. Ironic, considering one of the reasons I was leaving was so that he wouldn’t get distracted during his training. So good to know he could, in fact, block me out if he wanted to.
My heart bled misery and pumped out more agony, and the way Finn squeezed my shoulder made it clear it showed. “Give it some time,” he said. “He’ll get over it.”
I nodded. That was what I wanted. Well, what I should want. It would mean I’d made the right decision. That I hadn’t screwed up a perfectly good relationship.
Not to mention the many other factors, like his career and my career, and if I didn’t seriously get out of here now, my mind would keep spinning on forever.
“Good-bye, everybody!” I practically screamed it so that the guy who refused to come over could hear it as well. “Make me proud. Kick some ass, win some fights, and know this girl’s cheering for you. All of you.”
The loud, supportive shouts of encouragement mixed with farewells lifted me up, buoying me enough to gather the strength to stride out of the gym, chin held high. I managed to keep going despite the fact that my heart ripped right in two the second I stepped outside. No matter what happened from here, part of my heart would stay here in San Diego, in that gym, with my brothers and my dad. With the cocky fighter I’d accidentally fallen in love with.
Good-bye, Shane Knox. I hope one day you’ll look back on me as the girl who loved you enough to let you have the career you deserve.