It’s a beautiful day, one of those days where everything just feels right. The sun is shining brightly overhead, not a cloud in the sky, and the normally crowded campus is calm and relaxed; only students taking summer classes staying behind for the season.
Days like this don’t happen often, at least not for me. Days where it feels like all the stars have aligned and there’s a clearing in the distance where I can see all my hopes and dreams within my grasp.
Normally I would be one of the students heading to or from class, but this year I decided after two full years of classes not to enroll in summer courses. I’m already a full semester ahead of my other classmates and to be honest, I need the time off.
I stayed behind so Bennett could finish up some last minute coursework and then I’ll be bound for the beaches of North Carolina for two full weeks of fun in the sun before heading home for a month to spend time with my mom and Courtney, who should be arriving in Rockfield a week before me.
Bennett talks excitedly about our upcoming trip, telling me all about his favorite restaurants and how he can’t wait to show me where he grew up. I was apprehensive about joining him at his parents’ house for the two-week trip when he first asked me, but since then the idea has grown on me. The more time I spend with him the more I forget about all the reservations I had when we first started dating six months ago.
He wasn’t expected and a new relationship certainly wasn’t what I was looking for, but after pursuing me for weeks I finally caved and agreed to a date. I mean, why was I so scared to date again anyway? Date… It was like the dirty, unspoken word that I avoided at every turn.
I guess deep down I believed that no one would ever fill Sebastian’s shoes, that everyone would pale in comparison to the first boy who ever owned my heart. But slowly over time, I realized that I didn’t need to fill the void left by Sebastian. I needed to embrace that it was a part of me and find a way to live with it.
So needless to say Bennett wore me down. Day by day with his warm smile and chocolate eyes, he broke down the walls that had once guarded my heart so fiercely. I don’t know when my fondness of him morphed into something more. It was slow growing but the realization had hit me at all once, and I spent two hours on the phone crying to Bree over it.
It felt like a betrayal—like I was doing something wrong—but after a while, Bree finally made me see that I wasn’t replacing Sebastian; I was simply letting him go. And hadn’t that been what I wanted all along?
“I can’t wait to take you out on the water. You’re going to love it. I can’t believe you’ve never been jet skiing.” Bennett bounces next to me, his hand wrapped around mine.
I look up to see him watching me, a wide grin on his handsome face.
“You’ll have to go easy on me.” I return his smile, knocking my shoulder against his.
Bennett is one of those people who you just can’t help but be attracted to. In addition to his obvious good looks—dark hair, warm brown eyes, a lopsided smile that shows off the smallest hint of two matching dimples, and a body that’s toned and broad from the years he’s spent surfing and sailing—he’s also one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met. Nothing about him is complicated or hard. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and I never feel like there’s anything he’s keeping from me; no part of himself that he has hidden in the shadows.
“I will warn you,” he continues, sliding his aviator sunglasses down on his face to shield his eyes from the sun, “my sister Brittany can be a bit of a handful. She means well, but I can’t promise that she won’t follow us around the entire time we’re there.” He chuckles, the sound vibrating deep in his chest. “She’s done it since we were kids.”
“I think it’s sweet. I would probably do the same thing if I was her age and had a brother like you.”
“She’s a good kid but sometimes I just need some alone time, and I’m definitely going to want some this time around.” He winks at me, and even though he’s wearing sunglasses I can see the action clearly through the tinted lenses.
My cheeks flush and I quickly look away. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to talk about sex in a comfortable manner. I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s because it feels like something that should only be discussed behind closed doors, or maybe it’s because we’ve just recently become intimate and it just feels too new to really talk about out loud.
For the longest time, I didn’t know if I’d be able to go through with it, sleeping with someone who wasn’t Sebastian. It was something I struggled with for quite a while, and even after we did sleep together that first time I had a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror for a couple of days.
This entire process has been a really big step for me, and even though it’s been difficult, I wouldn’t take it back. Bennett has brought me back to life in a sense. His contagious smile and carefree attitude make me realize that sometimes you need to just give a little and not take life so seriously.
We’ve just rounded the corner of my dorm building when I feel the shift in the air. Goose bumps erupt across my skin and my stomach twists, a tight knot instantly forming. I don’t understand the feeling right away. That is until I look up and find myself staring directly into a pair of bright hazel eyes, eyes I wasn’t sure I’d ever see again.
“Sebastian?” I don’t even realize I’ve spoken until his name is off my lips, thrown into the wind that seems to have picked up around us.
I stop abruptly, causing Bennett to stop next to me.
I feel disoriented, so caught off guard by his appearance that I’m not sure if it’s actually happening or if I maybe fell and hit my head and am just dreaming this whole thing up.
“Sebastian?” I hear Bennett question behind me.
I don’t have to look at him to know he sees what I’m looking at—or should I say who—though I doubt he would have any clue who he is had I not said the name. He’s only seen Sebastian once and that was in an old picture that he came across stuffed in the bottom of a desk drawer in my dorm room.
I can tell by the way his hand tightens around mine that even if he doesn’t know for sure it’s my Sebastian, he definitely suspects it.
Sebastian’s eyes bounce from our adjoined hands to my face and back again, a slight tick in his jaw as he stands motionless just a couple of yards from us. I can see the struggle in his eyes, the uncertainty of what he should do next, but then he blinks and an easy smile quickly falls into place as he closes the distance between us.
“Hi, Tess.”
It’s just a statement, a simple greeting, and yet I feel like he’s said so much more. I don’t know how long I stand there, jaw on the ground, still trying to figure out if he’s actually here.
I can feel Bennett’s eyes on the side of my face, but I can’t force a single thing to come out.
Bennett clears his throat and extends his hand to Sebastian, clearly seeing that I’m not going to introduce them anytime soon.
“Hi, I’m Bennett.”
“Sebastian,” he replies coolly, taking Bennett’s hand on a firm shake before shoving both of his hands into the front pocket of his jeans as he rocks back slightly on his heels, eyes trained on my face.
“What are you doing here, Sebastian?” When I finally manage to push the question out it feels raw against my throat.
“I was in the area. Thought I’d stop by and say hey.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. Just an old friend dropping by.
“You were in the area?” I repeat slowly.
“Was hoping maybe you’d have time to grab a bite to eat, catch up for a little bit.” He ignores my question completely.
I open my mouth to respond but then close it without uttering a single word. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell to say to that. And as unexpected as it is to find him standing in front of me, I also can’t deny how incredible it is to lay eyes on him after such a long time.
He’s just as perfect as I remember, maybe even more so. Sebastian always was the most attractive person I’d ever seen, still is. I feel guilty even thinking it with Bennett standing next to me, but it’s true. I can’t help it.
“I’m gonna run up and grab my bag out of your room. Why don’t you take some time to talk to your friend?” Bennett offers, pulling my attention to him.
“Are you sure?” I ask, a thick knot in my throat.
“Yeah, of course. I still have a few things I need to take care of before our trip. I’ll just call you later, okay?” He gives me a warm smile before pressing his lips to my forehead in a quick kiss.
Case and point why Bennett is so incredible. My ex-boyfriend shows up out of the blue and instead of being an asshole about it, he offers to give me some time to figure out what he wants and why he’s here. God, he really is amazing.
“Okay.” I force a smile when he pulls back.
“It was nice to meet you, Sebastian,” he calls over his shoulder before taking off toward the entrance of my building, disappearing inside just moments later.
When I slowly turn back to Sebastian, his expression has morphed from carefree to something else entirely. He takes a shaky breath in, his nostrils flaring slightly.
“I take it that’s your boyfriend?” The last part comes off more like a hiss than an actual word.
“He is,” I answer shakily; it’s not like it’s worth hiding at this point.
“How long have you two been seeing each other?”
The last thing I want to do is have this conversation directly outside of my dorm building, so I quickly move to change the direction.
“What are you doing here, Sebastian? And don’t give me that crap about being in the area because we both know that’s not true.”
“I just, fuck.” He runs a hair through his messy hair, making it look even more perfect.
God, why does he have to look so good?
“I just needed to see you,” he finally continues. “Can we maybe go somewhere and talk?”
I want to say no. I want to tell him to go away so I can pretend like he didn’t just show up at the moment when I finally decided I was happy, determined to tear down everything I’ve built in his absence, but I simply can’t do it.
Because at the end of the day, I still love him as much as I did yesterday, as much as I did a year ago, and two years ago and beyond that. Just because I have found some semblance of happiness doesn’t for one second erase the way my heart beats against my ribs or the way my fingers itch to reach out and touch his silky hair. Even after all this time a part of me, a very large part still feels like he belongs to me and I to him.
“Okay.” I finally concede. “There’s a coffee shop just on the edge of campus. It’s only about a five-minute walk.”
“Sounds perfect.” He waits for me to start walking before quickly stepping up next to me, slowing his long stride to match mine so that he can keep my pace.
We don’t speak for most of the walk. It’s clear to see Sebastian is just as in his head as I am in mine, both of us trying to sort through what we’re thinking right now before having to sit down and actually speak it aloud.
“I graduated yesterday.” He finally speaks just as we round the corner to the coffee shop where I’ve worked since freshman year.
“Wow. Congratulations. That’s amazing. How do you feel?” I nod in thanks when he holds the door open for me before following me inside.
The smell of coffee instantly assaults my senses, and I take a deep inhale, having become one of my favorite smells over the last couple of years. I don’t like to drink it, but the smell is incredible. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the smell reminds me of my mom; she’s always been a big coffee drinker.
“I’m not sure yet,” is all he can get out before we reach the counter, and my co-worker Jill cuts in.
“Tess, what are you doing here?” Her long blonde ponytail swings as she talks. “I thought you were leaving for North Carolina with that hunky boyfriend of yours.”
Sebastian shuffles next to me, clearly uncomfortable.
“We leave tomorrow.” I try to sound as casual as possible despite the sudden flush of heat that has washed over my body.
“How fun. I’m so jelly. I would love to lie on a beach for a few days.” Only then does she seem to notice Sebastian, her eyes widening slightly as she takes him in. “And who’s your friend?” Her voice completely changes as she asks me the question while looking directly at Sebastian.
“Sebastian.” He gives her a megawatt smile, and I swear I can physically see her swoon a little.
“Where do you find these guys?” Jill asks playfully as she turns back toward me.
I offer her no more than a shrug and a “we go way back” before asking if I can have my usual chai tea with two sweeteners. Jill may be perfectly content standing here ogling over Sebastian until her little heart’s content, but I’m rather anxious to have him to myself and find out exactly what has him coming all the way here to see me so unexpectedly.
Sebastian orders a coffee, black, and after paying for us both, grabs our drinks and follows me to a table in the far corner.
Sitting back in his chair, one hand on his leg, the other wrapped around his cup of coffee, he seems so lost in thought that I decide to speak first rather than waiting on him to start the conversation.
“So you were talking about graduation,” I press, hoping he’ll take the lead.
“I was.”
Only then do I realize that I don’t even know what he was studying. How sad is that? He hadn’t claimed a major the last time we had actually spoken of college, and with everything that happened, it was honestly the furthest thing from my mind.
“What did you end up studying?”
“Sports medicine.” He shifts in his seat, eyes never leaving mine.
“Oh wow. That’s awesome.” I feel cliché saying it, but I have no idea what the hell to say right now. Everything feels forced and unnatural which is unsettling considering I never felt anything but comfortable with Sebastian before.
“And what about football?” I quickly add when he doesn’t offer a response.
“I had some interest going into senior year, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing it.”
“Oh.” I don’t know why but this surprises me. I knew football was never his end game, but I find it hard to believe anyone would walk away from the chance to play football professionally.
“I actually got a job offer as an athletic assistant for the medical team at USC. I’m supposed to start in a couple weeks.”
“That’s amazing, Sebastian, congratulations.” I pause. “That’s in California, right?”
“It is.” He nods slowly, taking his first drink of coffee before setting it back down, his hand never leaving the cup.
“California,” I let it roll off my tongue as I toss around what that means for him. “You always said you would go back there one day.”
“Yeah, but when I thought about it I always saw you there with me.”
I don’t know what to say to that so I just sit here looking at him, my heart racing out of my chest, trying my best to control the tremble running through my hands.
“I miss you, Tess.” Heat spreads over my face and down my torso the second the words are spoken.
“Sebastian,” I try to interject.
“No, just let me get this out, okay?” He waits for me to nod before continuing, “I miss you every single day. Every moment was less because you weren’t there to share it with. I’ve missed out on so much time and now, now I find myself unsure of how to move forward without you. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I was up on that stage accepting the degree I worked my ass off for, the only person I wanted to look out into the audience and see was you. But you weren’t there, and it made me realize that none of it means anything if I don’t have you to share it with.”
“Sebastian, please.” My voice shakes, and I can already feel tears stinging the back of my eyes.
“The guy, is it serious?” He cuts me off.
“I mean, yeah, I guess it is.” I sniff.
“Do you love him?”
“I think so.” It takes me a long moment to force the words out. Why is it so hard to say what just an hour ago I thought I felt.
“You think so or you know so?” He crosses his arms in front of his broad chest.
“I mean, it’s still pretty new.”
“But you’re going on a trip with him?” He continues to pound questions at me.
“We’re going to spend two weeks in North Carolina with his family,” I admit, guilt swarming me from every side.
Why the hell do I feel so damn guilty?
“So you’re going to stay with his family for two full weeks, and you can’t even tell me for sure if you love the guy?” He cocks a brow, frustration etched in every feature of his face.
“I mean, I do love him. It’s just…”
“It’s just what, Tess?”
“It’s different, the love. It’s different than what you and I had.” He cringes at my use of past tense. “But he makes me happy.”
“Good.” He lets out slowly, clearly battling with what to say next.
“Why are you really here, Sebastian?”
“I told you. I’m here for you.”
“So what then? You just show up after nearly three years and you expect me to drop my life and everything I’ve built here to what—go to California with you?”
“Well, when you put it like that.” He blows out a breath, looking more conflicted with each moment that passes.
“I still have another year of school left. And I have friends here and a…”
“Boyfriend,” he finishes my sentence.
“Yes and a boyfriend,” I snip, letting my emotions get the better of me.
“I guess I didn’t think this all the way through. I think… I mean, I guess I thought…”
“You thought you could just show up here, and we’d just pick right back up where we left off. God, Sebastian. Look at us. It’s been three years and yet were still doing this same old song and dance. Maybe you’ve graduated and are ready to start the next journey of your life, but I’m not. My life is here. Nothing has changed for me. So unless you’re here to tell me that you’re moving to New York then we have nothing left to discuss.”
“Would you leave him, your boyfriend I mean? If I were to move here, would you leave him and be with me?”
“Are you moving to New York?” I challenge, leaning back in my chair on a sigh when he doesn’t answer right away. “That’s what I thought.”
“Fuck,” he growls, pushing his chair back so it skids across the floor as he stands. “I shouldn’t have come here.”
And just like that he turns and storms out of the coffee shop, walking away from me yet again.