Six months later…
“Can you believe Mr. Jordan expects us to write a thousand-word essay over Christmas break? What the hell is wrong with that man?” Courtney complains as we make our way through the parking lot.
“What do you expect? He’s notorious for giving out the worst assignments at the worst possible times. Are you really all that surprised?” I shake my head, stopping next to my car which is parked directly next to Courtney’s.
It isn’t much, a beat-up Jeep Wrangler that’s nearly as old as I am. I worked full-time all summer to buy it, and even though I told myself it was because I liked Jeep’s, deep down I know I picked it because it reminds me of Sebastian.
I named my old rusty girl Sara Beth. SB—get it? Sara Beth. Sebastian Baxter. Same initials. Even my Jeep is named after him, though I tried to disguise it by making it a girl Jeep. I really am pathetic.
The hard knot that forms in the pit of my stomach anytime I think of Sebastian rears its ugly head. It’s the same feeling I get every time I think of him, which happens to be a lot considering it’s been months since I’ve seen or spoken to him.
“Hello, earth to Tess.” I look up to find Courtney looking at me with confusion.
“What?” I question, trying to refocus.
“What was it this time?” She crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me expectantly.
“What was what?” I play stupid even though I know it will do me no good. I give her a few seconds to really drive the point home that she can see right through me before finally answering honestly. “I was just thinking about Sara Beth,” I say, resting my hand on the driver’s side door.
“Oh, you mean the Jeep you named after Sebastian?” She gives me a pointed look, daring me to dispute it. When I don’t, she quickly adds, “Ice cream at Luna’s?”
Courtney is one of those who thinks ice cream solves everything. After she and Anthony broke up in July we practically lived at Luna’s, an old ice cream parlor in town, for weeks. We still go there quite often. Too often really.
“It’s like twenty degrees out here, and you want ice cream?” I chuckle, opening my driver’s side door to throw my bag inside.
“When do I not want ice cream?” she asks sarcastically, tapping her foot on the concrete.
“Fine. One scoop.” I cave, knowing at least this way I won’t have to go home and sit in the deafening silence like I do every other night.
“Meet ya there.” She squeals before quickly disappearing into her car.
Laughing, I shake my head and then climb into my Jeep. Turning the ignition, I’m met with the same familiar grumble I hear every time I start Sara Beth. I swear it sounds like she’s cursing me for not just letting her rest.
Okay, so I’ll admit I have this weird relationship with my Jeep. It’s probably not the healthiest thing in the world but whatever. It beats spending my days in therapy which I tried shortly after Sebastian left for Louisiana. It didn’t take me long to realize that therapy just wasn’t for me. Plus, had I kept it up I probably would’ve ended up bankrupting my mother which is never a good thing.
I follow Courtney through the school parking lot and out onto the street, laughing when she attempts to make faces at me in her rearview mirror, half of her face cut off from my vantage point.
Courtney has been my saving grace, the one who has kept me from completely losing my mind over the past few months.
Sebastian leaving was hard enough, but then having to turn around and say goodbye to Bree and baby Jackson just weeks later made his absence even harder to deal with. Bree kept me busy, and I was able to throw all my focus into helping her prepare for the baby and the move. But once they were gone there was this eerie silence, an emptiness I just couldn’t shake.
It all happened too quickly. One moment everything was one way, the next it all changed. Baby Jackson was born, and I was forced to say goodbye yet again. And not just to Bree but to her son, who I grew extremely attached to in the week before they left.
She was a natural with him out of the gate, just like I knew she’d be. Bree has always acted with her heart, searching for the love she was denied growing up. I think she needed Jackson more than she realized. He gives her something to sink that love into. Someone she can love unconditionally who will love her the same in return.
I don’t hear from her as often as I’d like, but I know she’s extremely busy with school and raising her son. The last time we spoke Jackson was on the cusp of crawling, though I’d say it will be a couple months before he actually nails it down. Because we always Facetime, I was able to see him in action—his little butt up in the air as he rocked back and forth on all fours.
He’ll probably have mastered crawling and be walking by the time I talk to her next. It’s scary how fast things are happening now. I have to remind myself sometimes to just slow down and look around me. Before I know it all of this will be gone.
I pull up next to Courtney in a street side parking spot and kill the engine to my Jeep. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, pushing down the sadness that seems to cling to me like a bad stench I can’t seem to wash away.
Giving myself one last pep talk, I quickly exit the Jeep and join my best friend on the sidewalk. She may be able to see through the happy exterior I’m clearly faking, but she doesn’t make a habit of calling me out on it.
I think she realizes that my smile acts as my armor, something I put on to protect myself, but it’s also the very substance that holds me together. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to get through most days. Even with it sometimes I’m not so sure.
And no matter how many times I try to secure the pieces in place, they always have a way of slipping when I least expect it. That’s when thoughts of Sebastian creep in, the moments when I give in and let myself mourn the love I lost—love that still haunts me every single day.
Every corner I turn, every street I travel, every hall I walk—I see him everywhere. His eyes, his smile, his touch—these are all things that are embedded in my brain, tattooed on my skin, and etched into my heart.
***
“Tess?” I hear my name, but it takes a few seconds for me to register the voice.
When I glance up from the book in front of me I’m more than a little surprised to see Anthony standing directly next to the small table I’m currently occupying in the back of my favorite little coffee shop.
“Ant?” I question, dropping my paperback down onto the table as I stand and offer him a hug. “Wow. It’s been a long time,” I say, gesturing to the seat across from me which he quickly takes.
“Yeah, it has.” He sets his coffee on the table in front of him, an awkward silence stretching between us before I quickly speak again.
“What are you doing here? Are you visiting your family for holidays?” I press.
It’s so weird seeing him. He hasn’t changed a bit. And just like that, I feel like I’m there all over again. Sebastian’s face instantly flashes in front of my eyes, and it takes everything in me to shove the image down and focus on Ant.
“Yeah, I just came down for New Years. I’m actually getting ready to head back to campus.” He takes a sip of his coffee, stretching his long legs out underneath the table.
“How’s Boston? I bet it’s amazing there.”
Anthony got accepted to Boston College shortly after Sebastian was accepted to LSU. And while he didn’t earn the full scholarship that Sebastian did, he still got lucky enough to play for their football team.
“It is. I love it.” He smiles, the action easy and carefree.
God, what I wouldn’t give to smile like that and actually mean it.
“That’s incredible.”
“I love living there,” he continues. “Everything about Boston is so alive.”
“I’d love to go there one day,” I say, lacking anything of real interest to add to the conversation.
“You still planning on heading to the Big Apple in the fall?” he asks without missing a beat.
“If I get into Columbia, yes, that’s the plan.” I sigh, trailing my fingers across the top of my cup that’s still ninety percent full of the hot chocolate I ordered nearly an hour ago.
“You will,” he states like there’s no question in his mind.
“Well, I wished I shared in your confidence but thank you.” I shift in my seat.
Anthony and I have never been close. Even throughout my relationship with Sebastian and his with Courtney, we never shared a real conversation. Sure, we hung in the same circle, ate lunch together every day, hung out after every football game, but we never connected beyond him being Sebastian’s friend and me being Courtney’s. It almost seems strange sitting here with him, just the two of us, especially given how long it’s been and everything that’s happened.
“How is she?”
Ant’s question comes straight out of left field but doesn’t surprise me one bit. It’s the exact same question that was on the tip of my tongue the second he sat down—how is he, but I fought the urge to ask.
“She’s good.” I relax back into my chair, taking a drink of my not so hot chocolate. “She just found out she got accepted to the University of Alabama.”
“Alabama. Wow.” He thinks over that for a long moment, taking a drink of his coffee before continuing. “Well… That’s awesome. Good for her.” I can tell there’s more he wants to say, but for whatever reason, he decides against it.
“Yeah, she’s doing pretty good. She misses you,” I say, knowing Courtney would probably kill me if she knew I was telling him this. “Though I’m sure she’d never admit it.”
“I know that all too well.” He chuckles, like he’s remembering something funny.
“Have you guys spoken at all?” I ask, already knowing they haven’t.
Even after all these months, I still don’t know the specifics of why they broke up. Courtney blew it off—saying he wanted to go into college unattached which is why he pulled away from her toward the end of his senior year—and before I could turn around twice she was sleeping with someone new.
I always suspected there was more to the story, especially given how quickly she forced herself to move on, almost like she was trying to prove a point to him. I’ve pressed her a few times, but she’s never given me much more than that.
“No. I’ve text her a couple times but to be honest, life is pretty crazy right now. My course load is insane and as you know, I’ve never been one to excel in the classroom.”
“Well, you always managed.” I smile over my cup, taking another long pull of my drink.
“So, have you talked to him?” His question causes the thick liquid to catch in my throat, and I end up sucking it down the wrong pipe nearly spitting the sweet, chocolaty goodness all over the table.
“You okay there?” He eyes me curiously, not sure if he should get up and help or just let it run its course.
I hold a hand up as I sputter and cough. It takes me a full minute to clear my throat enough to speak again.
“Wow. Sorry about that. Wrong hole.” I clear my throat again, trying to shake it off.
“I take it from your reaction that you haven’t… Spoken to Sebastian, I mean.”
“I haven’t.” The hollow feeling in my chest expands, and I feel like at any moment it’s just going to swallow me whole.
Every time I talk about Sebastian I walk away feeling like I’ve lost him all over again. It’s why I avoid speaking about him at all costs. But now that Ant’s here—right in front of me, bringing it up—I can’t help but want to know everything.
How was the season, is it over yet?
Did he get a lot of play time as a freshman?
Is he happy?
Does he ever talk about me?
Is he dating anyone?
The last question that filters through my mind makes my stomach twist, and heat floods my face and spreads down my neck. Just the thought damn near sends me into a full-on panic attack. My heart is drumming violently against my ribcage by the time Anthony speaks again.
“I guess I’m not surprised. I just thought… I don’t know.” He shakes his head like he’s decided against saying whatever he was going to say.
“You just thought what?” I can’t stop the question from coming out. Now that he’s started it, I need to know what he was going to say.
“You and Sebastian were something special, Tess. It’s been a while since we’ve spoken, and I guess I kind of thought he’d have wised up by now and realized that leaving you behind was a mistake.” He gives me an apologetic smile.
“Yeah, well…” I knot my hands in my lap, feeling the heaviness and sadness of his words settle on my shoulders like a thousand-pound weight.
“For what it’s worth, I think he made a huge mistake.” I look up to find his gaze locked on me.
“You do?”
“You were the best thing that ever happened to Sebastian. I just hope he pulls his head out of his ass long enough to realize he’s shit without you before someone else snatches you up.”
“Thank you, Anthony. That means a lot coming from you. But I think it’s safe to say that ship has sailed. He’s been gone for six months, and I haven’t gotten so much as a text message.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” he says unconvinced.
“Well I am,” I say, tears burning the back of my eyes just saying the words out loud.
Truth is, I knew we were over way before he left; him leaving only solidified this fact. He didn’t even so much as say goodbye to me the day he left. He disappeared from my life without a trace, and if it weren’t for the memories that haunt me daily, I’d almost think he never existed to begin with.
“I know we may not have always been the closest,” Ant says, pulling my focus back to him. “But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t rooting for you, Tess. You made my best friend tolerable for the first time…” He thinks about it for a moment. “Well, ever.” He laughs.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I was rooting for you and Courtney, too.”
“Yeah, well.” He shrugs. “You see where rooting for each other got us.” A half smile plays on his lips before he quickly adds, “I guess I should probably get going. I just stopped in to grab a cup, and when I saw you over here I knew I had to come say hi.”
“Well, I’m glad you did.” I smile up at him as he stands.
“You take care of yourself, Tess.”
“You too, Ant.”
He nods, throwing me a half wave before spinning around and walking away. My eyes stay locked on him until he steps out onto the sidewalk and disappears around the corner, leaving me feeling even emptier than I did before his arrival.