“Tess?” I hear Ant say seconds after he pulls the front door of my apartment open.
At first, I think I’m hearing things; there’s no way he just said what I think he said, but then he opens the door wider I damn near hit the floor at the sight of her.
Tess…
She looks so fucking beautiful in a pale yellow sundress, her hair falling around her shoulders. The sight of her takes my breath away, as cliché as that sounds.
I’m standing in the kitchen which is open to the rest of the apartment, unable to move a fucking muscle. I feel paralyzed, in complete and utter shock. Seeing her standing inside of my apartment is absolutely the last thing I expected.
“Hi, Ant.” She gives my friend a small smile, purposely keeping her gaze on him as he closes the door and joins her in the living room.
“What are you doing all the way out here? I thought you were still in New York.” He gives her a quick one-armed hug, meeting my gaze over the top of her head.
“I’ve been at Bree’s the last couple of days. She only lives about an hour north of here.”
“I didn’t realize she was so close,” he quickly adds.
“Neither did I.” Her gaze darts around nervously.
She couldn’t look more uncomfortable if she were standing on a rug of hot coals. It’s painfully obvious that she’s terrified to be here right now. She looks around the space, her eyes touching my face for only a brief moment before she sets her gaze back on Anthony.
Ant looks almost as uncomfortable, glancing at me and then back to Tess who knots her hands in front of herself, not saying anything else.
The tension in the room so thick it’s damn near suffocating.
“Uh…” Ant rocks back on his heels, finally breaking the awkward moment. “I’m gonna…” He looks between the two of us. “I’m gonna take off for a bit, let you kids catch up.” He shoots me a knowing look before grabbing his wallet and keys off the breakfast bar. “It was good seeing you, Tess,” he calls over his shoulder as he makes his way toward the door.
“Yeah, you too,” she offers, watching him exit the apartment without another word.
It feels like an eternity from the point that the door latches closed to when her gaze finally finds mine, by which point I’ve grown extremely anxious.
“I didn’t know he was staying here.” Out of everything she could say, I didn’t expect those words to be the first out of her mouth.
“Yeah, he’s been here a few months.” I shrug, not sure what else to say.
“It must be nice, having a familiar face around I mean. Does he plan on staying in California permanently?”
The last thing I want to talk about right now is Ant, but I force myself to answer her anyway.
“I don’t think he’s a hundred percent sure at this point.”
“I see.” She looks around the apartment, doing everything she can to avoid my gaze.
As much as I want to let her work her way into telling me whatever it is she’s doing here, if I have to exist in this awkward in between stage for even a second longer I just might fucking burst.
“What are you doing here?” I don’t mean for it to come out as harshly as it does. It leaves my mouth on a rush, and I immediately suck in a sharp breath preparing for her answer.
“I needed to see you,” she offers apologetically.
“How did you even know where to find me?”
“Your mom.”
“You called my mom?” I can’t help the impressed grin that pulls at my mouth, but it does nothing to quell the uncertainty inside me.
She shrugs. “You didn’t give me much of a choice.”
“I didn’t realize you needed a choice,” I answer truthfully. “I thought you had already made yours.”
“You changed your phone number,” she observes, hurt evident in those beautiful blue eyes of hers.
“We said all we needed to say. I walked away ready to leave you behind, but in order to do that, I had to make sure that I made a clean break. No way to contact you or you me—no more of the back and forth. It was the only way I could think to even give myself a fighting chance.”
“And is that what you still want? To leave me behind?” She shuffles from one foot to the other, clearly very nervous.
Fuck—I’m nervous, too. My heart is pounding relentlessly against my ribs, and I swear I haven’t taken a real breath since she walked in the door.
“You didn’t give me much of a choice,” I bite, crossing around the kitchen counter to stand at the edge of the living room just feet from where Tess is.
“That’s not what I asked.” She shakes her head, taking a hesitant step toward me. “Do you still want to leave me behind?”
“What does it matter, you’re with someone else?” I grind out, my entire body tensing as she takes another step and then another until she’s standing just a foot in front of me, her eyes locked on mine.
“What if I weren’t, would it make a difference?”
My heart beats even faster. Every single thing that ran through my mind the moment I laid eyes on her now seems within my grasp, and yet I’m hesitant to accept it so easily. We’ve done this song and dance before, and the last thing I want to do is get my hopes up and think she’s offering something that she’s not.
“That depends, are you still planning to marry…” I pause when I realize I don’t even remember the fucker’s name.
“Bennett,” she clarifies.
“I don’t care,” I snip, growing even more impatient.
“No.” She shakes her head softly. “I’m not going to marry him.”
“And does he know this?” I question, a tight knot forming at the base of my throat.
“He does.”
She takes another step, leaving just inches between us. She’s so close I can smell her sweet scent, hear the sound of her shallow breath, feel the tension seeping off of her. And yet not one part of our bodies is touching, a fact I’m acutely aware of.
“Now answer the question,” she adds. “Do you still want to leave me behind?”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, thinking over my response before actually speaking it.
“I never wanted that. Not ever. But I didn’t see another way.”
“You were right when you said I was scared. I was, I still am. But I finally realized that living a life without you was a hell of a lot scarier than the risk that I might lose you again.”
“What are you saying, Tess?”
“I’m saying I love you. I’m saying that not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you. I’m saying that you’ve been with me—a part of me—since that first night on that balcony. I gave you my heart back then Sebastian, and I don’t ever want you to give it back.”
“I never planned to anyway.” I grin, allowing my fingers to brush down her forearm, her skin prickling under my touch.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to find my way back to you,” she whispers, eyes welling with unshed tears.
“I’m sorry I let you go to begin with.” I bring my hand up to cup the side of her face, feeling the overwhelming urge to pinch myself to make sure this is real.
“Don’t ever do it again okay?” She half laughs, half cries, the sound coming out a little jumbled mess of emotion.
“Never.” It’s the last word off my tongue before my lips land on hers.
It’s soft and hesitant at first, but then quickly morphs into something else entirely. Tess has a way of lighting my body on fire, and feeling her mouth pressed to mine for the first time in over four years has my entire body engulfed in the burn. I relish in the pain, in the pleasure, in the unspoken promise the kiss holds.
I put it all out there. I bleed everything I am into that kiss, willing Tess to feel how much I love her—how much I’ve always loved her.
I never expected Tess. Not five years ago, not a year ago—not today. I never planned for her to change my life the way she has. I didn’t expect it or want it, but the moment I touched her, tasted her, felt her heart beating against mine; I knew there was no going back. I had no idea just how right I had been.
I pull Tess closer, kiss her harder, afraid that the moment I open my eyes she’ll be gone; that this will have all just been some cruel dream, and I’ll wake up to find myself staring at the same painful reality that I was yesterday. That I’ve lost her forever.
Only I know that’s not true. I can feel it in my bones, in the way blood pumps through my veins, in the trail of heat Tess’ touch brings to the surface; I know it’s real. And while it’s still hard to wrap my head around—I know she really is here, touching me, kissing me, whispering she loves me against my lips.
It’s everything I’ve dreamed of since the moment I lost her. Only now I appreciate it all a little more. The sweet noises she makes when my tongue slides against hers. The way her fingers tangle in my hair. The way her body responds to me as if it were made for my touch. All things I took for granted before. All things I overlooked because I thought they’d always be there. These are the things I’ve missed most of all.
When we finally break apart, my forehead resting against hers, our breathing labored and hearts clamoring, there are no words left to speak. Even after all this time, Tess still knows me better than anyone has ever known me. And right now, she knows that every single word I’ve said to her over the past couple of years has been true. I know she can feel it— she can feel me, just as I can her.
It’s strange to go from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs in the matter of minutes, but that’s what Tess has always done to me. I wish I could say it scares the hell out of me to have a person hold so much power over me, honestly, it probably should. But in this moment, with Tess pressed against me—her blue eyes boring into mine, her soft hair on my fingertips—fear is the absolute last thing I feel.
Maybe it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment. Maybe it’s because I truly believe that Tess is the person I’m meant to spend my life with. Or maybe it’s because no matter the outcome, having Tess even for a short time is better than not having her at all.
Every moment, every touch, every kiss is a blessing that I will never take for granted. Because at the end of the day I know what it means to live without her, and I never intend to do it again.