It’s been a week since the graduation party at my mom’s—a week of restless nights and a sickening knot in my stomach that has only gotten worse as the days pass. I wish I could say that I found peace in my choice, happiness even, but I can’t seem to muster that feeling no matter how hard I try.
Bennett returned to the city the day after the party to start the process of moving into the studio apartment he leased—the apartment I’m expected to move into as soon as I get the rest of my things from my dorm moved over.
It’s taken me a lot longer to pack than either of us anticipated. I just can’t seem to get the motivation to move any quicker. I feel torn, depressed—uncertain of every single thing that stands before me.
I haven’t been able to commit to a job. I don’t know what it is, but nothing feels right. Bennett says not to worry that all of it will come with time and he can cover the bills until then. He still thinks my inability to accept a position comes down to how I feel about the companies that I’m interviewing with. God, I wish it were that simple.
Honestly, I’ve received two amazing offers and would normally be ecstatic to accept either one, but I just can’t seem to do it. I’ve picked up the phone more times than I can count to make the phone call, the one where I accept a job and finally settle on a path, but every time I hear the ring on the other end of the line, I panic and hang up.
Working on packing the contents of my desk into the last box, I look around my dorm room and wonder where the last four years have gone. My roommate, Joanie, moved out last week and now that the last of my things are being packed away the room is completely bare.
I let out a deep sigh, the sound echoing around me. What I wouldn’t give to rewind time—experience this all over again—and yet at the same time I’m so relieved that it’s finally over. There’s such a contradiction of emotions raging inside of me.
Reaching into the last desk drawer, I pull out some random pieces of paper with notes and reminders scribbled on them, some pens and post-its, but when I reach the very bottom I pause, every muscle in my body tensing.
Staring up at me is a much younger version of myself, one with a wide smile and happiness in her eyes. I forget what it feels like to be that girl. It seems like such a lifetime ago. Next to me in the picture is Sebastian—we’re laying on my bed, the camera outstretched above us. Instead of looking at the camera too, his eyes are locked on me, a wide smile on his lips.
With shaky hands, I retrieve the picture from the drawer and run my finger along the outline of his face. I remember the day this was taken. It was during winter break and Sebastian and I had holed ourselves up in my room for a week straight, him only leaving when my mom came home and coming back the second she left.
That was hands down the best week of my life.
It’s strange how it took seeing this picture to remind me that it ever even happened. A memory I once held so dear, pushed into the back of mind and discarded like so many others. I stored it all away—every moment, every kiss, every touch. I couldn’t bear to relive any of them because if I did I would have to remember what I lost, and that was something I simply couldn’t do.
I turn the picture over in my hands, the inscription on the back causing tears to well instantly behind my eyes.
My everything.
It’s only two words and yet those two words say more to me than anything else ever could. Because it reminds me of what that meant back then.
I close my eyes and let it all come back. Every single piece of the past I stored away. I let it flood through me, pulling me under until all I can see is Sebastian. All I can feel is Sebastian. All I want is Sebastian.
The last five years disappear and suddenly I’m there again—to the night where it all began. I can see everything so clearly—hear the noise of the party going on downstairs, feel the warm breeze on my face. And then I hear his voice, and my eyes shoot open.
Like being doused in cold water, the fog I’ve spent the last five years living in lifts and everything comes into focus. Bennett. Sebastian. My past. My present. My future.
I know what I want. I think I’ve always known.
Sebastian was right. I let fear rule my choices. Even though I couldn’t see it at the time, it’s now staring me right in the face—the truth that I’ve fought so hard to deny.
Shoving the picture into the back pocket of my jeans, I quickly empty the rest of the drawer into the box and tape it up haphazardly, only half paying attention to what I’m doing.
My mind is set on the task ahead. I don’t have to worry that I’ll chicken out or that I won’t be able to find the strength to do what I know needs to be done. I know I will. Because for the first time in a very, very long time, I’m prepared to fight for what I want instead of hiding from it.
***
Within an hour I have the last of my boxes packed into my car and am making the twenty-minute drive across the city to Bennett’s apartment. It’s crazy to think that after four years of living in New York that I can still manage to fit every belonging I have in the hatch of my run down old Jeep. I think I’m leaving with less than I came with, though I’m not sure how that’s possible.
Bennett meets me out on the street within moments of me pulling up to the curb prepared to help me carry my stuff upstairs. Jumping out of the driver’s seat, I stop him just as he rounds the back of my Jeep.
“I’m not staying.” I’m surprised I’m able to push the words out without my voice shaking.
He misunderstands.
“Okay, well let me carry this up first,” he offers, his hand freezing mid-air when the next rush of words leaves my mouth.
“No, Bennett. I mean, I’m not staying here. I’m not staying in New York.” He drops his hand and looks at me, eyebrows drawn in confusion.
“I don’t understand.” His warm chocolate eyes hold my gaze and even though I know I’m doing the right thing, my heart is still breaking for what that means for Bennett—for us.
“I need you to understand that this was real for me—all of it. I wasn’t prepared to open my heart to anyone when you stumbled into my life. I tried to fight against it, tried to resist you, but you made me love you anyway; even when I didn’t want to. I didn’t realize it back then, but I needed you more than I would’ve ever thought possible. You became my rock, my strength. You held me up when I didn’t have the strength to do it myself, and you never once asked me for anything in return.” I pause, letting out a shaky breath.
“But no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I wish I could be your wife someday—I just can’t.”
“What are you saying, Tess?” The question is an automatic response. I can tell by the look on his face he still hasn’t fully processed what I’m doing.
“I’m saying I can’t marry you, Bennett. I can’t be with you, not in the way you deserve. You deserve a woman who will give you her whole heart. A woman who will love you more than anything in this world. A woman who will never have to split her love between you and someone else. I can’t stay here and pretend to be that woman anymore. Because the truth is I gave my heart to someone when I was sixteen-years-old, and I never got it back.” I swipe at the tears now falling down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Bennett. I’m sorry that I made you believe I could give you something I can’t. I’m sorry that I made you promises I’m now going to have to break. I’m just so, so sorry.” My bottom lip quivers as I speak.
I know I’m the one doing the hurting here, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me to do it. It doesn’t mean that the part of me that loves Bennett isn’t already mourning the loss of him. No matter how sure I am about what I want it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve loved the man standing in front of me for the better part of almost two years, and I’m going to miss him horribly.
“I-I don’t understand. Why did you say yes? Why did you agree to move in with me? Why do any of it if you were just planning on leaving me anyway?”
“I wasn’t planning for this. In fact, it’s something I hadn’t decided until earlier today. I meant it when I said yes. I do love you, Bennett.”
“If you loved me you wouldn’t be doing this right now.” The first sign of anger sparks in his voice.
“It’s not that simple,” I try to explain.
“Sebastian,” he cuts in, his eyes full of questions and hurt.
There’s nothing I can do or say, I know the truth is written all over my face.
“How long has this been going on? Have you been seeing him behind my back?”
“Of course not. I would never do that to you. It’s not something that’s been going on for a certain period of time, more like something that I buried and refused to face. I know it’s hard to understand, and I’m sure right now you probably hate me, but please know that at the end of the day I’m sparing us both. I never could’ve made you happy, not truly, not when my heart exists somewhere else.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Bennett takes a step back, shaking his head like he’s still trying to process it all.
“Don’t say anything. Just let me go.” I reach out and take his hand, turning his palm upright before depositing the engagement ring he gave me into it. I close his fingers around the ring and mine around his hand.
He looks down at our point of contact and then back up to my face, the emotion so evident in his eyes that I nearly lose my ability to go through with this. It’s hard, saying goodbye to someone like Bennett, knowing the pain and shock I’m sure he’s feeling. But at the end of the day, I know this is the right thing for both of us.
He opens his mouth like he wants to say something—maybe even try to convince me to stay—but then he closes it without a word. The moment stretches on for what feels like forever, his brown eyes locked on mine, a mixture of both anger and sadness behind them.
“Go,” he finally says, pulling his hand away from mine.
“Bennett.”
“Go, Tess.” He raises his voice, a slight shake to it. “Don’t make this any worse than it already is. Just leave. Please.”
I bite my bottom lip, willing myself not to say another word as I nod only once and silently back away, slipping into my Jeep seconds later.
I wish I could say it was easy—pulling away from that curb—watching a man I agreed to marry just one week ago disappear in my rearview mirror, knowing I’d likely never see him again. But it wasn’t. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Nothing about any of this is easy. And while I’ve gotten through the part I was dreading the most, there’s still the matter of Sebastian and the worry that maybe I’m too late. Maybe last week was his breaking point and I pushed him too far. Maybe this is all for not. Maybe…
And while that thought sparks fear deep inside me, I also know that I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t at least take the chance.
***
“You’re sure about this?” Bree looks up at the apartment building and then back to where I’m sitting in the passenger seat of her car.
I arrived in California two days ago. After realizing that Sebastian had changed his phone number and Courtney had no idea what his address was, I had to resort to contacting his mother. To say that was an unpleasant conversation is quite the understatement, but at the end of it, I did manage to get Sebastian’s address out of her; though truthfully, I didn’t think she was going to give it to me.
Now, sitting next to Bree, looking up at the brick six-story building in front of me, I realize that making that phone call was nothing compared to what I’m about to do now. My stomach is a mass of nervous knots, and I swear my hands have never sweated so much in my life. My nerves, which I thought couldn’t get any worse when I woke this morning, only intensified on the hour drive down from where Bree lives.
I’m an absolute total wreck. It’s not lost on me that this is very possibly the way Sebastian felt when he came to me. I just hope this visit will end up with a different result than his previous two.
“I’m sure,” I finally manage to answer Bree’s question, letting out a slow breath as I look back in her direction.
She gives me a warm smile and reaches out to pat my leg. Everything about her is so motherly now. From the way she acts to the way she looks, you would never guess that just five years ago she was a wild child who rocked a red bob and always sported thick black eyeliner and short skirts.
There’s no trace of that girl anymore, at least not on the outside. Her red hair is now back to her natural brown and hangs a few inches past her shoulders. She usually keeps it tied back in a low pony, but today she has it down and wavy. She’s traded in her dark eyes and bright lips for more neutral tones and clear lip gloss, and her short skirts have been swapped for cute jeans and flowy tops.
But even with all that, even with how much she’s changed and grown, I still see little pieces of the old Bree that shine through. She might have grown up and traded in her bad girl ways, but she is still the same spitfire she’s always been; she just reins it in more now.
“You can do this, Tess,” she reassures me. “Just walk up there, knock on his door, and tell him you love him.”
“Just like that.” I laugh nervously. “You make it sound so easy.”
“He loves you, and you love him. If you both focus on that it should be easy.”
I nod, mustering a small smile. “I hope you’re right.”
“Only one way to find out.” She looks up at the building and then back to me. “Go, you got this.”
“You’ll keep your phone on you in case I need you to come back?” I ask for the tenth time.
“Yes, now stop stalling and go.”
“Okay.” I let out another deep breath before pushing open the car door and climbing out, Bree shouting words of encouragement my way until I close the door.
The walk up to Sebastian’s apartment is like a blur. By the time I reach his door my entire body is shaking, and I’m fairly certain that had I eaten anything today it would now be on the shiny hallway floor rather than in my stomach.
I take a deep breath in and slowly let it out at least five times before I manage to reach out and rap on the door with my knuckles.
I can hear movement inside almost instantly followed by the sound of footsteps, each one getting louder the closer they get to the door. My breath lodges in my throat, and I squeeze my hands together in anticipation.
This is it.
This is what everything has led up to.
This is the moment of truth.