Chapter 18
“For three days you have been in here, don’t you think it’s time to come out?” Claire said as she wrinkled her nose. The stench in the chamber had become unbelievable. Every day Mairi was asked the same question, and every day there was a refusal. Mairi had only been in the hall for dinner. She ate quickly and then ran back upstairs without the luxury of enough time to clean the chamber. Neala had lost her patience and wanted only to prevent the rest of the second floor from stinking. Aliana refused to try at all, as the smell and her pregnancy had not been agreeing. All she could do was offer, again. Mairi paced and muttered. Claire noticed that she still wore the dress she had arrived in and that that could partially explain the odor, plus the added stench of a severely unwashed body.
“Claire. ‘Tis you, Claire,” Mairi’s said. “Why have you come here?”
Kindness, we are trying kindness . . .
“Hello, Lady Mairi. I have come this afternoon to ask you to join me outside. The rain has stopped, and the sun is out. Some fresh air might be nice, don’t you agree?” She wanted to add, “We need to clean you room because the stink is now in the corridor.” But she agreed that Neala was probably right, a soft approach was best for now.
Mairi halted her erratic pacing. “Why would I go outside? I need to pray for deliverance. I must stay here and pray. This place is godless, and I must pray for escape.” Her words trailed off as her motion began anew.
Time for a new approach . . .
“But, Lady Mairi, surely your prayers can be heard outside as well as they can be heard from here.”
“I had nay thought of that,” Mairi answered as her pacing came to a halt.
“Then I am glad I had the thought. Come outside and we can pray together. I will join you.” Neala was going to owe her a bit for this. There was work she should be doing.
Mairi turned and squinted at her. “You would pray with me? No one has ever offered to pray with me.” Her voice almost squealed with delight. “Come and kneel beside me, let us begin now.”
Claire continued with a firm voice. “No, Mairi. Not in here, but I will join you outside.”
“Did you ken, Claire, there is no chapel here and no priest? I am alone with no guidance. Who will guide my penance? There is no priest for the wedding. ‘Tis all sin, Claire, I am drowning in sin.” Mairi fell to her knees, as if the weight of this reality was too much to bear.
Claire questioned who might have shared the lack of clergy with the unstable woman. “I am aware of these things. Come with me outside and we can pray about them, together.”
“Why would you do this?” Mairi asked with a suspicious voice.
Not surprised to hear the lack of trust, Claire answered, “Because it is a nice day. There are many things we could do outside, walk, see the horses, or even help with the chores. However, if you wish to pray, then that is what we will do.”
Still on her knees, Mairi pleaded, “Will you stay with me? I dinna wish to be left alone outside.”
Claire heard the fear and wondered what had happened to make Mairi this way. “Of course, Mairi. I give you my word. When we are done outside, I will bring you back to your chamber myself.” She offered her hand and a smile to the woman on the floor. “Let’s go.” She fought the urge to pull away as Mairi placed a filthy hand in hers. Instead, she grasped the hand as they walked to the door.
Mairi froze as she saw the three women in the corridor. “Why are they here? Do you try to deceive me?”
“There is no trick. These women have been ordered to clean your chamber.” Claire spoke as if to a small child. “It is what they do. No one will touch your things. The chamber will be scrubbed, the bedding changed and aired properly. Surely, this is not surprising.”
Mairi shifted closer to her. “Why would they do this now? I have not been here that long, have I?”
“No, Lady Mairi, it has only been a few days.” The confusion Claire heard made her wonder if it was more than mistreatment that made Mairi the way she was. She held firm to Mairi’s hand as they made their way downstairs and out of the keep. She was grateful for the fresh air of the yards. Mairi let herself be steered to the area by the cliffs. The sea breeze would make the job tolerable. If nothing else, the view of the water and the sound of the waves below brought some peace.
Mairi fell to her knees. Claire realized she knew nothing about this woman. “May I ask you a question, my lady?”
“You may call me Mairi. None have ever used my title before. Why start now?”
She was surprised by the statement, given Tavis’s adamant stance that all use his title. “I was just wondering how old you are? I am twenty-four.”
Mairi answered, “I am eighteen until fall.”
Claire blinked at the number. Mairi was more of a girl than a woman. “I was born in the fall, too. There is already much we have in common.” She hoped for a sign of understanding and was rewarded with a head nod.
“Enough talk, Claire. We must pray now. You must use all your strength to pray for deliverance. If we pray hard enough, mayhap I shall be released from this farce of a marriage.” Mairi all but pleaded the request.
Taken aback by the coherent string of words, Claire asked, “If not marriage, then what would you do?”
“I was ready to make my final vows when my father’s men came for me. I had thought they were there to provide my dowry to the sisters. Instead, they took me away. Now I must marry with no priest. How can that be? There is no marriage without the Church. Is this to be a hand-fasting? The Church frowns on that. No matter what, I sin here. My soul is doomed, Claire, doomed.”
The small dark eyes glowed with desperation, and she wished there was some small way to offer hope. “I haven’t been here that long either.” Claire counted the weeks in her head. “Maybe five weeks or so. I’ve found that everyone here is very nice and welcoming. If you spend some time getting to know them, maybe it will begin to feel like home to you, too.” Claire knew that this place was home now. In her heart, it felt like home.
Mairi fidgeted and whispered, “‘Tis a place of sin. It will be my ruin.” Her words trailed off to mutterings.
“I didn’t mean to upset you Mairi, I’m sorry.” Claire attempted to let the breeze from the sea wash away the guilt she felt at upsetting Mairi.
With a voice of panic, Mairi said, “Pray now, Claire. Pray hard. Together we will ask for guidance. Please, Claire, pray.”
“Shhh, it’s all right. Okay, let’s pray.” Mairi settled down, and her head bent in muttered prayer. Claire settled into a crisscross position with her legs and turned her hands palms up while resting them on her legs. Meditation had never been a favorite pastime, yet she found it easy to relax her mind as the waves crashed to the rocks below.
“Claire, Claire, what have you done?” Mairi’s voice took on panicky tones.
The crazed voice jolted her back, and Claire blurted out, “I forgot something.” Without success she tried to focus her mind on what she had forgotten, only to realize Mairi stared at her.
The displeasure was evident in Mairi’s tone. “Aye, you forgot to stay awake. Claire, ‘tis a verra bad thing to fall asleep when praying, and the sisters would surely punish you for such a thing. Count your good fortune they are nay here.” With a small grin, she said, “I will nay tell, Claire.”
“Forgive me, Mairi. I meant no insult. I was just, well, just tired.” Claire offered a weak smile and hoped this had not ruined what she was trying to accomplish. This was the first hint of a smile she had seen from the girl.
“You must tell them you need less work if it makes you this tired. Why are you so tired, Claire?” Mairi asked with actual concern in her voice.
Because I spend my nights with the man you are going to marry. We spend our time making love and talking and then do more of both. I do without sleep because I can’t do without him. He should have been mine and he could have been mine, but I tried to do what was right. Now I live my life knowing it’s wrong but am unable to stay away.
“Cerwyn has been cutting his teeth, and I help care for him during the night when needed.” There was at least some truth to mix with the lie.
Mairi shook her head in disgust. “Uggh, bairns, I dinna like them. They are foul wee creatures.” Mairi rose to her feet. “May we go back now?”
Claire noticed the light of the afternoon had faded. “Of course, Mairi. We have been out here most of the afternoon. Your chamber should be more than ready by now. In fact, it’s probably close to time for the evening meal.”
Mairi glanced at her as they walked. “Will you sit beside me at the meal?” Her voice was a mere whisper.
Stopped by the request, she found Mairi looking down at her own feet, seemingly bashful. “Yes, I will sit next to you.” It was obvious the questions came with a hesitation and an expectation of refusal.
Mairi rewarded her with a timid grin. “May I go to my chamber now?”
“You don’t need my permission for anything. This is your home, and you should go where you want.”
“Then I will go to my chamber. Will you come with me? There is still much praying to be done.” Again Mairi shifted from foot to foot with nervous steps.
“I would, Mairi, but there are matters I must see to in the study.”
“You are a lass, and yet you tend the accounts. ‘Tis verra strange, Claire.” Mairi stared into the distance. “One of the sisters tended the books, and that was not wrong. Mayhap there is no sin in your work.”
With the potential for an easy departure, Claire added, “Then we have one less matter to pray upon.”
A harsh giggle escaped Mairi’s lips. “You should nay jest. If you have duties, attend them. I would not see you punished for work left undone.” Mairi abruptly turned and ran for the stairs.
Surprised by the swift departure and how quickly Mairi could move, Claire made her way to the office.
The only true task she had left was to put away the papers that still covered the desk. Mentally scolding herself for not doing this yet, Claire began to rearrange the books on the waiting shelves.
“‘Tis too fine an afternoon to be stuck inside, lass.”
The thought of quiet time evaporated when she heard his voice. She turned from the shelves and saw Nolen leaning in the doorway. “I am only straightening up.” His posture made her wonder how long he had been there.
He moved to the desk and rummaged through the opened book. “Do you always have such old documents out?” Nolen held out the older wedding contracts and dowry statements from Ian’s mother. “I begin to doubt your abilities to manage the affairs here if this is where you look for coin.” His cold blue eyes dimmed the casual smile on his face.
Claire refused to reveal how uncomfortable Nolen made her. “It is my experience that everything must be taken into consideration. I was only making sure the laird was aware of everything he laid claim to.” She took the papers from his hand and placed them with the other old contracts. Claire was grateful for the excuse to move to the other side of the desk.
Still, she could feel Nolen’s stare on her. “That land is not far from ours. Trust me when I say ‘tis not worthy of your consideration.”
“I will pass that news along, thank you, Nolen.”
“Actually, ‘tis Sir Nolen. I provided service to the Crown and have been rewarded.”
It would have been impossible not to notice the pride in that statement and also the bragging quality. “I’m sure it was well deserved, Sir Nolen,” Claire offered politely. The attempt to be distracted by her task did nothing to encourage his departure. Maybe this is what Mairi and I should pray for tomorrow.
Nolen waved his hand in a dismissive gesture, “There is no need to use my title, lass. ‘Twas something merely I wished you to ken.” Claire’s heart raced as he circled the desk to stand in front of her. “I am no mere servant to another man. There is coin in my pocket and lands in my future.”
Unable to prevent the back step her feet took, she said, “How nice for you.” Even with the polite conversation, Nolen made her incredibly nervous. She grabbed the books from the desk and held them to her chest, aware of the defensive nature of this stance. “If you’ll excuse me, this needs to be done.”
He followed her steps and remained in front of her. Nolen reached to brush her cheek. “I am of equal standing to you as both of us are from fine clans. We will not be here much longer.” Nolen’s gaze moved from her face down her body and back up again. “Believe me when I say there will be little here for you. Mayhap there are other things we should discuss besides worthless land. A future with me would certainly hold more promise than one here.”
The urge to scrub her face was replaced by her confusion of what he said. She stepped away to place the books on the shelf, and Claire felt him at her back, too close to her back.
“The offer I make is a fine one, lass.” Nolen raised his hand to touch her braided hair and whispered, “You are a bonnie thing.”
Claire’s whole body screamed to turn, punch, and take him down but instead settled for a more polite response. “Please release my hair, Nolen.”
Nolen whispered in her ear, “Forgive me, the temptation proved too great to bear. I can see you have been raised to be treated as a fine woman.” Claire knew it was no accident his lips brushed against her ear. “You are correct. I should speak with your cousin. Come, there is much noise in the hall, allow me to escort you to the meal.” He stepped back and motioned for her to walk beside him. “We can talk over dinner.”
Her mind reeled, knowing he had made some type of offer, but she wasn’t sure what kind. Claire was even less sure what her response should have been, so she kept quiet instead. Never so grateful for the commotion of a full hall, she excused herself as Cerwyn jumped into her arms.
“Larry! I find Larry!” Cerwyn squealed with delight and banished the last few minutes of uncomfortable confinement.
“Are you ready to eat, little man?” she asked the child as her gaze found Ian. His warm smile was the remedy for any situation, and even the encounter with Nolen disappeared.
“Claire.” Ian’s voice was warm as he approached. “Soon, sweeting, the evening meal will be a time for us. Forgive me that we now sit apart.” His hands ruffled Cerwyn’s hair as his eyes searched hers for understanding.
The sincerity with which he spoke touched her. “I have this one to keep me company.” With a quick wink, she stepped to avoid Tavis and Nolen as they approached.
With her gaze again on the child in her arms, she asked him, “Where is your mama?” She followed his pointing finger. “Let’s go see her.”
As they approached Aliana, Claire said, “It’s good to see you out of your chamber. How are you feeling?”
With a look of disgust, Aliana said, “Dinna ask, cousin. But I am finally hale enough to join the meal. I believe the worst is past and that Neala has found a better blend to calm my stomach. You have my thanks as always for your care of my son and for being a help to the household. Truly, without you I ken not how it would be. Let us sit, feed this one, and see if I can eat a bit.”
Before they reached the table, Mairi stepped to stand beside the women. Aliana moved away, and the wrinkle of her nose let Claire know that the stench of the woman was still too much to bear. Even Cerwyn pushed out of her arms and climbed into his mother’s lap at the other side of the table.
Mairi’s voice was almost too quiet over the noise of the hall. “You will still sit beside me, Claire?” With a quick shrug to Aliana, she let her know there was little choice.
Her stomach did not like mixing food with the filthy smell, but she was unwilling to be cruel. “I promised and I always keep my word, Mairi.” She sat down as the would-be bride joined her and wondered how Ian had managed to eat the last three nights surrounded by the odor. The question was on Ian’s face as he sat beside Mairi but never asked. She hoped this new seating arrangement would buy her distance from Nolen. Thankfully, this dinner was with him at the opposite side of the table, and Hagan now had to deal with his conversation.
The only positive to the meal was that Mairi had been content. It was the first meal the bride ate without muttered gibberish. The shy smiles she gave Claire should have been a reward but seemed more like subtle punishment, as she had never been a fan of a smile with a mouthful of food. Owing to the bad manners, bad smell, and Nolen’s constant attention, the evening meal dragged on.
Claire rose from the table as Mairi signaled the end of the women being in the hall. She wondered how long the men would remain. Time moved too slowly, and she wanted her time with Ian to begin. Neala’s offer to attend Mairi allowed Claire to follow Aliana into the nursery.
“He was easy to get to sleep this night. How long did you have to run him today?” Aliana questioned as they left Cerwyn in the care of Margaret.
“Most of the morning. Apparently it was well worth it.”
Aliana ushered Claire to the chairs within her chamber. “Come and sit. There are matters of which we need to speak.”
The serious tone was so unlike their normal evening chats. Claire asked, “Is everything all right?”
“Nay, Claire,” Aliana replied. “Tell me, where did I fail you? I have tried to be a fine cousin to you, and where did I fail?”
Taken aback by the question, she asked, “What are you talking about Aliana? You haven’t failed me.”
“You are wearing my brother’s dagger. I ken very well what that means. Had I nay been so ill with this child I carry I could have kept a better watch over you. You were given to the care of this clan, and that makes you my responsibility.” Aliana’s voice rose.
The angry voice filled Claire’s ears as she listened, and it made her realize she should have talked to Aliana immediately and not let her find out this way. No wonder she is so angry. “Aliana, if you let me explain . . .”
“What is there to explain, Claire? You warm my brother’s bed. The only question I have is did this start here or when he visited the Douglas stronghold? Did Ian seduce you as he has others? Or did he bring you here because your skills were so great?”
Claire willed her choice of words to not be spoken in anger, to not make her feel shame for the choice she made and most of all, to ignore the thought of others. “You need to stop now, Aliana, before this goes too far. Let me explain.”
The angry woman rose to her feet and wagged a finger at Claire. “Did your clan send you away because you disgrace them with your ways?”
On her feet to meet the accusation, she pushed the offending digit down. “You have no idea what you are talking about. Stop now and listen to me.”
The door banged open and halted the argument. “What are you two yelling about? I can hear you down the corridor. Wife, explain this to me,” Hagan demanded as he stormed into the chamber and slammed the door closed.
“Your cousin is playing the whore for my brother. ‘Tis why I am yelling.”
“Wife, choose your words with great care. You have no idea what you are saying. Aye, there are matters you need to ken. Had you not been so ill the last few days, I would have spoken to you about all of them,” Hagan said with a harsh tone.
“Hagan, tell her. If we tell her maybe she will understand.” Claire’s only thought was that the lies had led to this, maybe with the truth, all of it, Aliana could be made to see reason.
Hagan stared at his wife. “Leave, cousin. I will handle this.”
Aliana demanded, “Hagan Douglas, what am I not being told? Answer me! What could you two possibly ken that would make Claire’s foul behavior understandable?”
“If you won’t, then I will, Hagan.” Claire flinched from the hostility on Aliana’s face. “I met your brother roughly three days before we arrived here. He was tied to a tree. I could see him tied in the sunlight, while I stood in the dark of night.” This tale was hers to tell and she was going to tell it her way, all of it, from the door and battle, to the inn and escape.
“When we finally made it here, we both realized we couldn’t ignore what was needed. The prosperity of this clan was depending on the marriage. Unlike your great grandmother, I did not pack gold. Whatever we may have wanted, well, it didn’t outweigh the consequences. Your husband offered to honor me as a cousin, to give me a place here and a name. Your brother and I stayed apart until the day Mairi arrived. It was obvious the marriage would be empty.” She was exhausted from the long-winded tale and reliving the details. “I’m sorry that I lied to you. Ian and Hagan thought it would be easier for me to fit in if no one else knew the details of my travels. I am not your cousin. However, since the moment we met, it has been a pleasure to consider you my friend. I’m sorry if this deception and my choices have changed our relationship.” Claire turned to leave.
Her hand was on the latch when she felt Aliana’s hand on hers. “That was a fine tale.”
Claire smiled at the statement she had heard many times. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. Good night, Aliana.”
“Forgive me, cousin. I did nay ken any of this.” Aliana turned to glare at Hagan. “We will speak of this later.” With her back now against the door, she faced Claire and expelled a sob. “I should be calling you sister.”
“No, Aliana.” She held Aliana as the woman sobbed and begged forgiveness.
“Dinna argue with me. I should be, and I wish I could. I ken nay where all of my anger came from. It was so wrong of me. I will not tell a soul. I swear this to you. In so many ways you have been poorly treated and wronged. In no way will my actions add to this. Forgive me. All will hear the word ‘cousin’ from my lips every day.” Aliana’s eyes grew wide. “You are truly from away? From the legendary land of Arizona?”
The day had simply held too much. The crazy woman had acted sane, and the sane woman lost it. However, the sincerity was obvious, so Claire offered, “I am and I forgive you, Aliana. Had it been me in your place, the reaction may have been similar.”
“Thank you. Besides, Cerwyn needs you, as do I.”
“My wife speaks true. Our son has a great affection for you.” Hagan pulled his wife from Claire’s arms into his own. “I ken that you will have many questions for me and later for Claire. I was only seeking to provide her with safety and what was deserved for saving your brother’s life. Never would I keep any great secret from you, my love.”
Aliana’s face burst to life. “Claire, you must tell me of your home. Every detail I would hear. Come and sit by the fire, we will talk.”
Hagan turned to smile at Claire. “This is why we did nay tell her, as now you will have no peace.” He held Aliana’s face in his hands. “Your brother waits for her. There will be plenty of time for your curiosity on the morrow.”
“I promise I will answer your questions, all of them,” Claire offered to cheer her friend.
“There is one more matter to be discussed before you see Ian this night.” Hagan’s comment brought her back to attention.
No more, not tonight. I don’t think I can do more.
“Can it wait until tomorrow? I am exhausted.” Between the crazy day and the emotional roller coaster with Aliana, more was too much.
“Nay, Claire. You need to be aware of this. In a different situation, these would be fine matters to discuss with my cousin.” The look Hagan gave her led her to believe it was not good news. “After the meal, Nolen took me aside and asked for your hand in marriage.”
Aliana burst out, “What?”
“Yeah, what she said. Oh my goodness, what did you say?”
Hagan held out his arms to pacify the agitated women. “I merely spoke the truth. I told Nolen that you were promised to another while thanking him for his generous and honorable offer. There should be no further discussion about this from Nolen.”
Claire sighed with relief as the encounter in the office began to make sense. She hoped now he would just stay away. “Thank you for taking care of it. I cannot stand the man, but your face tells me there is something else. What is it?”
“Ian overheard the conversation. He did nay take it well. Without a word to me, he left to seek his chambers. Had I nay heard the yelling from the corridor, I would be with him now. Ian has been alone with these thoughts far too long now.”
“Tell me you don’t believe Ian thinks I would want Nolen.” After the last several nights, she found it virtually impossible to believe Ian would doubt her feelings for him.
Hagan answered, “Truly, cousin, I dinna ken. Ian is a hard man to fully understand. I do ken that he has some guilt for asking you to settle for what he has offered. There is fear that you will grow weary of nay having all that you should. From what he has said, Ian is certain you were raised to expect everything a fine lass should want from life and her man.”
“So you are saying Ian expects me to want Nolen? I have made no secret that I don’t like him.”
“What my husband is trying to say is that my brother would expect you to want this offer. Most lasses want only the security of a husband. Many would gladly accept any man offering what Nolen does, a high rank, lands, and coin. The fact that Nolen is young and handsome would only sweeten the offer. Most clans would simply accept and pack you to ride with him regardless of your desires. Granted, this is nay our way, but ‘tis the way in the lands around us,” Aliana said.
“Claire, Ian fears that you will want more later,” Hagan explained. “While I agree Nolen is nay a man I would wish my cousin to marry, the offer he makes is a fine one. This is what has Ian concerned. Many come to visit here from other clans, and you will meet many men. Without a formal bond holding you to Ian, other offers will surely come. You and Ian are fine together. In my own way, I am pleased you have one another. That being said, the path you two walk is nay easy. While it never is, yours has greater complication. Be sure this is what you want, Claire.”
“Hagan, Ian is all that I want. I have thought of every reason to stay away, but I can’t.” She hoped she had made herself clear. “He is everything to me.”
“Sometimes there is no choice,” Aliana said. “We ken exactly what you mean, ‘twas the same for us. Save your words for my brother. ‘Tis late and he is like me, so Ian will assume the worst.”
Claire walked in a daze to the door, only to be stopped by another hug from Aliana. “Thank you for your forgiveness, cousin.”
“Thank you for your understanding. Good night, Hagan. I will see you both tomorrow.” She left the chamber, and as she walked the short distance to Ian’s door, she felt her apprehension grow with each step.