Rachel finally went home at the end of the week, tired but feeling stronger each day. She had a nurse coming to help her for a few hours in the morning, her housekeeper coming every day in the afternoon to help with meals and cleaning up, and Jamie was with her the first few nights before she sent him home. Ashleigh came as often as possible, but she had her hands full with Bella and her work on Vampire Legend. Rachel’s friends from the show called and texted regularly and Jamie called every day, but it was Vlad who seemed intent on immersing himself back in her life whether she wanted him to or not.

He’d sent flowers when he’d been in Russia, but the bouquets that started arriving when she got home from the hospital made her smile. With each passing day, they got bigger and more extravagant. By the end of a week, she had them in every room of the house, taking up entire tables. When Ashleigh came over to spend the evening after not seeing her for a few days, she burst out laughing.

“Seriously? Are these all from Vlad?” Her eyes twinkled with amusement.

“Yes.” Despite promising herself she wouldn’t even consider giving him another chance, Rachel couldn’t help but grin. “And you should see the cards. He’s pulling out all the stops and quoting the most romantic poetry… Lord Byron, Walt Whitman… I didn’t even know he knew who those people were.”

“I’m sure the guys who’ve gone to college and were forced to read that stuff helped out.”

“Still.”

“It’s pretty sweet.” Ashleigh sank onto the couch. “Has he broken through the walls of your cold, dead heart yet?”

Rachel snorted. “Don’t make me laugh—it hurts!”

Ashleigh grinned. “Seriously, Brock said he’s so sad and depressed without you.”

“Remember how sad, depressed, and embarrassed I was when he left me at the altar?” Rachel’s eyes blazed with intensity.

“I know, but what good does this do you? You still love him, I know you do. You hanging on to the anger just means both of you are miserable.”

“This isn’t about anger. I’ve forgiven him. I just can’t forget and I definitely shouldn’t give him another chance to hurt me. I’ve already lost so much.”

“But you’re already getting better and the doctor said you won’t need radiation or anything. You’re going to beat this, Rach.”

Rachel met her eyes sadly. “I’m never going to have kids. And if we get back together, Vlad is never going to have kids. I can’t do that to him.”

“He knows you had a hysterectomy, doesn’t he?”

Rachel shrugged. “I don’t think he understands what it means. I don’t think something like that is even on his radar. And even if he does, he’s twenty-three. He might say he’s okay with no kids, or adoption, but in ten years he might realize the enormity of that decision.”

“But you harvested eggs,” Ashleigh said softly. “Didn’t you?”

“Yes. But there’s no guarantee they’ll be viable when the time comes, and we’d have to find a stranger to carry the baby, which is worrisome to me anyway. I mean, anything can happen… You hear horror stories all the time. When all of this happened, I didn’t have time to think about it, so Jamie did the legwork and I showed up, signed the papers and let them do whatever they needed to do to freeze a bunch of eggs. I’m going to have to really wrap my head around the process if I decide to use them.”

“If?” Ashleigh cocked her head. “Hon, I think it’s way too soon to make a decision like that.”

“I know, but those are the things I have to think about, whether I’m with Vlad or someone else.”

“You’re not going to be with anyone else,” Ashleigh muttered. “I know he screwed up, but you can’t possibly believe you’re not going to fix it.”

“Right now, I don’t believe in him, no matter how hard he’s trying.” She rested her cheek on her fist, elbow on the edge of the chair. “It’s really hard. Every time he calls, texts or sends me another present, I want to throw myself in his arms and let him make everything okay. Then I remember our wedding day and I…can’t. I just can’t.”

“If you wait much longer, I’m going to be hugely pregnant and I don’t want to be fat in your wedding pictures.”

Tears puddled in Rachel’s eyes. “If we were to do it again, we’d elope.”

“No.” Ashleigh shook her head. “No, no, no and fuck no.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows, taken aback. “What?”

“No.” She leaned forward. “This fucking wedding curse of the Sidewinders has to be broken. Dom and Molly eloped. Drake and Erin eloped. Karl and Kate eloped. Toli and Tessa had a wedding, and both he and Erin got shot. Brock and I eloped. Zakk and Tiff still haven’t gotten married because the history makes them so nervous. Well, I’m here to say you and Vlad are going to break that tradition if I have to drag you to the church myself.”

Rachel smiled faintly. “We’re a long way away from another wedding, Ash. A long way.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“You can’t force me to trust him again. I still love him, but trust is something else altogether.”

Ashleigh sighed. “But you could try, couldn’t you?”

“Right now? I honestly don’t know.”

Later, after Ashleigh had gone home and Rachel was staring mindlessly at the TV, she reached for her phone. She had to thank Vlad for the flowers and beg him to stop sending them. As pretty as they were, they were all going to die, and it was a colossal waste of money. Especially when they’d worked so hard all summer to stop mindless spending and pay for the wedding in cash, so they didn’t run up credit card debt. They both made a lot of money, but they spent indiscriminately and had agreed to save more than they had in the past. She had no right to tell him what to do with his money anymore, though, so she thought about how to word what she wanted to say.

The flowers are beautiful. Thank you.

She was startled to see him respond immediately. Not as beautiful as you. I miss you.

I miss you, too.

You do?

Of course.

I love you more than anything, Rachel. Please give me another chance.

I love you, too, but I’m not ready. And there’s still a lot we have to talk about.

Like what?

Well, how about the ridiculous amount of money you’re spending on flowers when we agreed to stop wasting money.

This is different. I can’t remember the last time I bought a video game or DVD or anything like that.

You bought me something from a very expensive gallery in Manhattan and—

She stopped typing abruptly because her phone rang. She scowled as she answered.

“You haven’t even looked at the painting?” he demanded.

“No. At first I was still too angry and since the surgery, I haven’t had the energy.”

“I can come hang it on Sunday.”

“Vlad, it’s the start of hockey season. You don’t have time to drive three hours to L.A. and back again in one day.”

“I’ll fly, and I can spend my time off any way I want.”

She sighed. “Fine. If you want to come on Sunday, you can come.”

“I’ll see you then.”

“Good night, Vlad.”

“Good night, my love.”

Rachel put the phone down and relaxed against the pillows behind her. This would be the perfect opportunity to tell him they had no future together now that she wouldn’t be able to give him kids. They were important to both of them, and though there was still a small chance it could happen, there was no way she would risk it. If something went wrong and the eggs weren’t viable, Vlad would most likely leave her and that would be a thousand times harder in five or ten years than it would be now. It would be best all around if she let him go and moved on, no matter what he said.

Rachel was slowly getting on her feet again, and by the time Vlad arrived on Sunday, she was looking and feeling better. Ashleigh had taken her to get her hair done yesterday at a spa she frequented, and she’d had food delivered this morning so she and Vlad could have lunch. He was supposed to arrive around eleven thirty and she watched the door restlessly. She was in yoga pants and a T-shirt, her hair pulled up in a ponytail and her face devoid of makeup. It felt weird to have been without makeup for this long, but Vlad didn’t care about that. He told her she was beautiful all the time, so at least she wasn’t self-conscious. There was a pretty good chance she would cry when he left, so not wearing makeup was probably a smart move.

She’d forgotten he still had a key and started when she heard it in the lock.

“Hi.” His soft smile melted her heart a little and she slowly got to her feet.

“Hi.” She lifted her cheek when he leaned down and brushed his lips across it gently.

“You look better,” he said, one hand cupping the side of her face.

“Thanks. I’m starting to feel human. Doc says at least three more weeks before I can go back to work, but I have to be careful because they think it was a gallbladder and they’ll see a much bigger scar when I’m in costume.”

Vlad frowned. “Why is you having cancer a secret? This isn’t something for you to be ashamed of.”

“I know, but it’s personal, and frankly, I’m not ready to deal with the questions.”

“What questions?”

She sighed, unsure she was ready to dive right into that conversation. “Are you hungry? I ordered salmon and Caesar salad for lunch.”

“I can always eat,” he murmured. “But we have to talk.”

“I know, but the fish will be terrible if we let it get cold.” She moved to the kitchen but he gently pushed her into a chair.

“I’ll get it,” he said, reaching for the takeout boxes on the counter. “They’re still warm. Is the salad in the refrigerator?” He got everything out and sat across from her, his eyes never leaving her face.

“So, how’s pre-season going?”

Vlad shrugged. “I’m on the fourth line now, which is different. I’m used to playing with Cody and Toli. Having me with Dmitri and one of the rookies is…hard. Dmitri’s a pro, but the new kid is nervous, unsure of himself.”

“Then it’s good he has a seasoned player like you to guide him,” she said gently.

“The other guys are unhappy, too. They have Zakk playing center, which isn’t his favorite, but without both Jamie and Matt this season, we have to compensate until we know who’s staying…”

He talked about the team for a while, and Rachel listened with interest. Though what she wanted to talk to him about weighed heavily on her heart, she enjoyed hearing what was going on with the team. It was a big part of his life, and for most of this year it had also been a big part of hers. One thing she would miss more than anything would be spending time with him and his friends. She and Ashleigh were tight, of course, which meant she’d see Brock, but she had friendships with several of the guys on the team and those would be awkward to continue if she and Vlad were no longer together.

“Rachel?”

Her head snapped up and she met his gaze guiltily. “Sorry, I’m getting a little tired.”

“Come, take your dish and let’s sit on the couch.” He held her elbow as they walked out to the living room and she got settled on the couch.

“Thanks.” She leaned back gratefully. She was doing better, but her torso was still unbelievably sore; there was no way she’d be back to work anytime soon, which was depressing.

Vlad sat next to her, finishing his salad and she finally put her plate on the coffee table.

“Would you mind if I put my feet up?” she asked softly.

“Of course not.” He helped her lift her feet, settling them on his lap. She wanted to move away but had neither the physical strength nor the emotional willpower, so she let them rest there.

“We should talk about some things,” she said after a few minutes of silence.

“Like?” He was stroking the top of her foot.

“Vlad, I think you have some unreasonable expectations.”

“About us?”

“About the future.”

“In time, you’ll trust me again, if I have to spend the rest of my life earning it.”

“It’s not that.” She took a breath. “Did they tell you everything about my surgery? What the cancer was?”

“Er, the uterus, yes?”

“Yes.” She paused. “When they took out the cancer, they took out…everything.”

“Yes, Toli explained that.”

“Everything, Vlad. My uterus, the cervix, my ovaries…”

“This means there is little chance the cancer will come back, right?”

“Yes, but it also means there’s zero chance I can have a baby.”

Vlad didn’t move, his eyes focused intently on hers. “I know.”

“You’ve been thinking about hockey and winning me back,” she said gently. “I know you, and I’m sure you haven’t taken the time to think about what that really means. Vlad, you’re twenty-three. Ten years from now you could change your mind a hundred different times. There’s a very good chance you’ll want children. Your own children, and if I can’t give them to you, you’ll find someone who can. Someone other than me.”

“I would never—” he began.

She shook her head vehemently. “This is too big a thing for you to make a decision right now. You have to take time, away from me, to think about it. Talk to your friends, maybe even see a therapist—I’m going to—because this is a big deal. It changes our whole future. Even if you hadn’t left me at the altar, this would change everything for us.”

“My love, it’s you I want, not children. We can adopt children who have no one else, like Brock and Ashleigh did. Children like me, who wouldn’t otherwise have parents.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “I know it sounds lovely, but even Brock and Ashleigh are having one of their own, too. I don’t think I would survive if you decided you wanted one five or ten years from now. It would hurt too much.”

“Rachel…” He looked devastated, his eyes filled with sadness.

“When you left, we had a really big issue to work through, and a tiny part of me believed you would come home and be sorry, make it up to me… Somehow everything would be okay again. But this? This isn’t something you can make up to me, or I can make up to you. The life we planned is gone, and I think it’s better for both of us if we walk away now.”

“No.” He sat up and slid over so her knees were over his lap. He gripped her hand in his and squeezed it tightly. “I love you. You’re not a crush or casual fling—you’re the love of my life, my soulmate. I did a terrible thing to you, but when I say I’m back, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how long it takes me to convince you of that. We want children, and we’ll have them; it doesn’t matter to me how.”

“It might matter to you in a few years, that’s the risk I’m not willing to take.”

“I’m not going to leave just because you think it’s better for me. That’s not how this works.”

“It is if that’s what I want.”

“It’s not what you want. I know you.”

“You knew me. I’m different now. Everything is different now.”

“No, it’s not. You’re still you, and I’m still me.” He dropped to the floor on his knees, leaning up against the couch so they were face-to-face. “Nothing matters to me if I can’t have you. Not hockey, not the future, nothing.”

“In time, you’ll feel differently.” Tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Rachel!” He looked ready to protest so she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, as softly and tenderly as she knew how.

“I love you,” she breathed against his mouth. “But I can’t, Vlad. I’m sorry. I couldn’t trust you when I was whole—how can I possibly trust you now that I’m broken?”

“You’re not broken,” he whispered harshly, his own eyes filling with tears. “For all we know, I have a low sperm count or you would have had miscarriages. There was no guarantee we were going to have our own children, even before.”

“You need to go,” she said in a shaky voice. “Please. This hurts too much, and I’m already in more pain than I can handle.”

“Don’t send me away.” His voice was as ragged as hers.

“I’m sorry.” She pushed gently at his chest. “Go. Be happy. Find someone else.”

“This isn’t over,” he said, slowly getting to his feet. “I’ll go now, because I don’t want to cause you more pain, but I’ll be back. When I asked you to marry me, it was forever, in sickness in health. We didn’t have to go through the ceremony for that to be real.”

She turned away, burying her face in the pillow as Vlad let himself out of the house.