They spent the rest of the day indoors, but the next day he dragged her out. They drove south to a small beach that was popular with surfers but wasn’t very busy on a day like today where the surf was calm. Since he supposedly had an injury, they hoped no one would spot him running, but he needed to stay in shape and couldn’t spend the week being idle.

Vanessa had packed a picnic lunch for them and Vlad got Rachel situated on a blanket on the sand before going to run. He was a sight in tight bike shorts, no shirt, and barefoot. Watching him take off along the shore, Rachel couldn’t help but appreciate how sexy he was.

Having him in bed beside her the last two nights had been wonderful, and she’d slept better than she had since before the wedding, but in the back of her mind she’d resigned herself to letting him go. She wanted him to have everything he’d ever dreamed of with regard to a family, and she no longer was able to provide it. Part of her was losing her resolve to push him away because each moment they spent together reminded her of how much she loved him and the future they’d planned. That future was gone, though, and she refused to dangle her frozen embryos as the bait to keep him around. He had to be sure he was okay living without children of his own, and the only way to assure herself of that was to let him go.

Her plan wasn’t as cut and dried as it had been in the beginning. Every time he came back, he made himself more and more indispensable to her. He only had five days left before he had to go back to the team, and at that point, he would be distracted with hockey. That’s when she would shut him out, giving him the perfect opportunity to stay away. He’d be pissed she did it yet again, and even if he came back to L.A., she’d be gone. She’d looked into spending a week at a spa in Arizona where no one knew her. She planned to immerse herself in yoga, meditation, healthy meals, while having any necessary medical care available as well. She’d let Ashleigh know she was okay, of course, but not where she was or when she was coming back.

Watching Vlad approaching her now, she forgot all about her plan to let him go. Instead, she reached out her arms and drew him down for a kiss.

“What was that for?” he asked, trying to catch his breath.

“I saw this hot hockey player running down the beach and thought maybe he wanted to kiss me.” Her eyes twinkled.

“He definitely wants to kiss you.” Vlad dipped his head and kissed her again, putting one hand on the side of her face, as if afraid she would pull away if he didn’t.

“I missed you.” The words slipped out and she flushed, unsure what she was doing. She shouldn’t lead him on like this when she was planning to give him the boot, but she wanted to be swept up in his love again, like before their non-wedding. She couldn’t help being a little selfish now, after the hell she’d been through the last five weeks or so, and loving Vlad was easy. That was the problem. It had been easy from the very beginning, when he’d first sat next to her at that blackjack table.

They ate and talked, enjoying each other, the hot sun and the sound of waves crashing on the beach. By the time the sun was beginning to set and they were sunburned, tired, and hungry.

“Let’s order in tonight,” she said as they drove home. “I’m too tired to cook, and we both need showers.”

“You’ve removed the bandages now, yes?”

She nodded.

“Will you let me see the scar?”

She glanced at him curiously. “Why? You know what my body looks like, and it’s still kind of ugly. I’ve started using some essential oils and the doctor said it should heal well since I’m not a smoker or anything.”

“I want to see it. I don’t want there to be secrets between us.”

“Okay.” She wasn’t sure why he wanted to see it, but she didn’t care. The doctor had done a good job keeping it as small as possible. They hadn’t been able to do a laparoscopic procedure because he wanted to be able to see everything to make sure there were no other tumors or signs the cancer had spread. If she was honest, the scar was the least of her worries. She was far more focused on getting her energy back and feeling like herself again. Vlad had helped in that department in just the few days he’d been here and the thought of letting him go again had her on the verge of tears.

It was the right thing to do, she told herself firmly. Then she repeated it over and over, hoping maybe it would sink in enough for her to believe it.

With each passing day, Vlad watched Rachel war with herself on whatever inner battle she was waging. Whether or not she wanted him to stay, whether or not she wanted to adopt children… He didn’t know and she wasn’t telling him. They talked about almost everything else, from the details of his discoveries in Russia to what he wanted to do when he couldn’t play hockey anymore to the lives of their friends. It was so much like the way it had been before their wedding, he cursed himself for screwing everything up. He wanted to drag her down to the courthouse and marry her today, to ensure he never did anything stupid again, but she wasn’t ready and if he was honest with himself, neither was he.

They still had a lot of feelings to sort through and she’d changed the subject when he’d suggested seeing a couples’ therapist in the off-season. As if she were positive they wouldn’t be together then. He had a sneaking suspicion she was still trying to decide if they could try again, but she didn’t express any of her doubts aloud and he was trying to be as patient and supportive as possible.

Ashleigh was coming over tonight to have dinner and hang out, so Vanessa had put a whole chicken with sweet potatoes and cardamom in the oven for them. There were fresh strawberries and cream for dessert, and Rachel had thrown together a salad. Vlad opened a bottle of wine just before Ashleigh arrived and they’d just taken the first sips when they heard her voice in the foyer. Ashleigh had a key so she rarely knocked, and they called out to her.

“Hey.” She sank into the nearest chair and put her feet up. She was almost five months pregnant now and though the baby occupied a tiny mound on her stomach, she’d been complaining about the extra weight because she wasn’t used to it.

“How was your day?” Rachel asked, sitting next to her.

“Exhausting.” Ashleigh leaned her head back and closed her eyes. “The baby’s so active. It’s the weirdest feeling to have something moving inside of you—you want to feel it?” The moment she said the words her eyes popped open guiltily. “Oh, geez, Rach, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Rachel said the words but she’d gotten pale, her hands frozen on her lap.

“How’s Brock doing being away from you so much?” Vlad interjected, trying to change the subject.

“We’re both pretty miserable,” Ashleigh admitted. “We knew it would be hard to be apart, but he misses almost all my doctor’s appointments, the ultrasounds, everything. I haven’t even found out the sex yet because I want to do it when we can find out together.”

“Have you thought about cutting back on your hours on Vampire?” Rachel asked quietly.

“I can’t until you’re back,” Ashleigh said softly. “Writing your character off the show for all these weeks has meant my part is twice is important and I’m in almost every scene now.”

“I’m sorry,” Rachel whispered.

“I’m not complaining, but there’s no way I can cut back until you’re back.”

“I may not be back,” Rachel responded.

“What?” Ashleigh and Vlad both stared at her in shock.

“I’ve been thinking maybe I want to do something else for a while,” she said. “The weeks we’re on set seven days is a lot, and if nothing else, this cancer stuff has shown me that life’s too short to work all the time.” She looked away, as though she couldn’t bear to see the confusion on their faces.

“What else would you do?” Vlad asked after a moment.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Maybe write a book or go back to school… I have a little money put away, but if I sold my house I could live for a couple of years without doing much of anything.”

Ashleigh’s mouth fell open, but Vlad gave her the tiniest shake of his head and she closed it again. “I don’t think you should sell your house,” she said slowly, “but renting it out might not be a bad idea until you decide for sure what you want to do.”

“I don’t know.” Rachel got up and went into the kitchen, leaving Vlad and Ashleigh staring at each other.

“What the fuck?” he whispered under his breath.

“I have no idea,” she whispered back. “What do we do?”

“I’ll talk to her tonight.”

They didn’t talk that night, though, because Rachel fell asleep as soon as they went to bed. In the morning, she was back to her normal, cheerful self and Vlad didn’t want to burst their bubble of happiness. This was their last full day together because he had to leave sometime tomorrow to be at practice the following day. He’d hinted she should come with him, but she’d demurred, claiming she was happier in her own house and bed, in close proximity to her own doctors even though she was healing well.

“Are you hungry?” she asked, lifting her cheek for a kiss.

“Is this a trick question?” he joked, joining her at the kitchen counter.

She ran a hand along his flat stomach and shook her head. “I still don’t understand how you do it. You eat all the time but you’re all muscle.”

“Lots of protein, limited carbs, and low sugar,” he said. “Though you know I don’t deprive myself of anything.”

“It’s been nice not worrying about my body these last few weeks,” she said, pulling eggs out of the refrigerator. “But I’ll probably have to start thinking about it again soon.”

“I thought you were thinking of not going back to work?” he asked carefully.

“I was in a mood last night,” she admitted. “I can’t leave my job. I mean, I love working on Vampire, and I have a contract. I can’t leave in the middle of a season. I need at least one more year to pay off this house and a few credit cards.”

“Have you been paying them down?” he asked guiltily, since they’d agreed to stop spending and he’d done nothing but run up more bills lately.

“Yes. I paid off one and have one more. I haven’t charged anything new.”

“I’ve been bad,” he admitted. “Between the trip to Russia, the fine from the team, and a four-thousand-dollar dinner Cody made me buy as part of my punishment for missing the beginning of camp, I’m not saving at all.”

“You’ll get back on track once you’re immersed in hockey,” she said.

He cocked his head. “You keep saying things that make me wonder what we’re doing.”

“What do you mean?” She busied herself at the stove.

“Rachel.” He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her, forcing her to look at him. “Tell me where we stand.”

“Nothing’s changed,” she said quietly, her blue eyes raising to meet his. “I told you we weren’t getting back together. You showed up and practically moved in, and I have to admit it was nice having you here with me, helping me get past the worst of the recovery. But now I’m better and you have to get back to Vegas. We both have to move on and you know it.”

“I don’t know any such thing.” He wanted to shake her, but instead folded his arms across his chest. “Hasn’t it been good between us? Aren’t you happy?”

“I am, but I was happy before, too. Then you ripped my heart out and stomped on it in front of four hundred people. I don’t know I’ll ever get past that and trust you the way I should.”

“So we’re back to the wedding again?” He momentarily looked away. “I did a fucked-up thing, but I don’t believe that’s what this is. I think this is about you convincing yourself I’ll want a baby in a few years. I saw your face when Ashleigh asked if you wanted to feel the baby move.”

Rachel turned away. “It doesn’t matter what it’s about, does it? I’m telling you to go.”

“I’ve offered to go to counseling to talk about what I did, and you change the subject every time. You’re pushing me away because you feel broken and I don’t know how to convince you you’re not.”

Without warning, she slammed the spatula on the counter and whirled to face him. “Listen to me and listen good. What we have now is good, but I don’t think it’s enough. The white picket fence and the happy little family dream is gone. Because of your past, you’ll always want it and, to be honest, I don’t anymore. I did, but now that I can’t have my own kids, I don’t. I don’t want other people’s kids, even if you do. I’m sorry if that makes me a bitch, but that’s how I feel, and you can’t tell me how I feel is wrong.”

“No, of course not, but—”

“Stop trying to convince me, to change me. That’s not how a relationship is supposed to work. I’m heartbroken and sad and tired. Nothing in my life is the same and nothing you say will fix it. Because I love you, I want you to be happy, so I’m letting you go. Find someone who can give you that family you’ve always wanted. It’s not me, Vlad. Not now, not ever.” She turned off the stove and stalked out of the room.

Frustration shot through him and he followed her, grabbing her by the arm as gently as possible. “Please stop. Please talk to me.”

“There’s nothing left to say. I think you should leave today.”

“Rachel, you’re a broken record with this bullshit,” he growled. “I know you’re overwhelmed, but why would you make such rash decisions less than a month after surgery? You know everything is still raw.”

“Because I love you enough not to be selfish,” she shot back. “Do you love me enough to do the same?”

Vlad was startled into silence.

“Do you?” she challenged, her eyes flashing. “Do you love me enough to let me go now instead of later, when you realize you want something I don’t want and break my heart all over again?”

“That’s not fair,” he whispered, shocked and hurt by her words.

“No, it’s the only thing that’s fair. I need you to go now, to love me enough to spare us a greater pain a few years down the road.”

For long seconds they stared each other down. Finally, it was Vlad who backed away, his jaw set angrily. “That’s what you think? You truly believe I’m going to wake up one day and leave you?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore,” she hissed, “but it’s not what we originally planned. I know that for sure. I also know how desperately you want a family and that’s not going to happen.”

“If you believe I’ll change my mind, why don’t you think there’s a chance you’ll change yours?”

“I’ve thought about adoption a lot, and I don’t want to,” she said simply. “That’s what it boils down to.”

“Since when?” he demanded. “You’ve encouraged Ashleigh since she first mentioned adopting Bella.”

“That was for her. It’s not for me.”

“I don’t know what’s going on in your head,” he muttered, “but if your intention is to hurt me the way I hurt you, it’s not working. I know you’re lying.”

She blew out a breath. “I want you to take your things and go. Today.”

“What if I don’t?”

“I’ll call the cops.”

“Do it.” He didn’t blink as he stared at her.

“Come on, don’t be a dick. I’m asking you to leave. Why is that so hard? Go home, leave me alone. Jesus fucking Christ, why won’t you listen to me? I just want to mourn the loss of my future in peace. Can’t you please do that for me? Please?”

He was so angry and frustrated, he turned on his heel and headed for the guest room to pack. If he listened to her any longer, he might say things he shouldn’t, and he was already on shaky ground with her.