Harlow

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“When I first stepped off the plane in Iraq, it felt like I’d entered a different world,” Miles begins, his eyes locked on the river that stretches out before us. “It was like the person I was before no longer existed and I was forced to become something else. To be someone else. Most of the time I didn’t even recognize myself. Other times I didn’t want to.” He pauses, letting out a slow breath. “I told you a little bit about my friends that were killed. What I didn’t tell you was how it happened.”

“Miles.” I hold up my hand to stop him, sensing how hard this is for him.

“No.” He shakes his head. “Just let me get this out. I was too afraid to tell you the truth before, but you deserve to hear it now.”

“Okay.” My voice quiet.

“We were  searching a building. My team was to go in first. Make sure the field was clear, floor by floor. Something we had done countless times before. When we reached the second floor, there was a boy, maybe early teens. He caught one look at us and took off running. I sensed that something was off, but we had our orders and I made the call to keep going. It wasn’t uncommon for us to encounter regular civilians.” He takes a long pause. “We were ambushed minutes later. They came at us from all sides. We got separated in the chaos. Me and Tripp were pinned down on the third floor, and we’d lost contact with the rest of our group. Then the whole building exploded. It blew out the entire side of the building where Tripp and I were huddled. I got hit with debris and blown back a few feet. Tripp, uh, he took the full force of the blow. There was nothing I could do for him.”

My heart thuds violently in my chest as Miles goes on. As hard as it is to hear, I hold onto every single word he says.

“It’s all kind of a blur after that. I couldn’t hear anything. There was dust and rock everywhere. And then I saw him. The boy. The one who had spotted us. I didn’t think. I just lifted my gun and pulled the trigger.” The words catch in his throat and he takes a couple deep inhales to calm himself. “Seconds later, a man and a woman came around the corner with two much smaller children, clearly trying to escape the war zone they had found themselves in. I still had my gun raised and my finger on the trigger. I was prepared to kill them all if I had to. But then the woman looked down at the boy I’d shot, and I knew instantly that he wasn’t to blame for what happened. He didn’t run away to tell the enemy we were here. He ran away to warn his family, and I killed him for it.” His shoulders shake as a sob runs through him.

“Miles, you couldn’t have known.” I try my best to soothe him, but there are no words that can possibly help what I’m sure he’s feeling right now.

“I should have known.” He looks at me, tears welling in his eyes. “I should have known.”

“You did what you thought you had to do to protect yourself.”

“Did I?” he questions like he’s really not sure. “I’ve asked myself that very same thing millions of times over the last eight years. What could I have done differently?” He pauses for a brief moment. “I watched that mother mourn over her dead son. I stood there with my gun pointed at them and saw first-hand what I had done.” He blows out a breath. “I think I was in a state of shock by the time the boy’s father thought to act. I pulled the trigger as he approached, but I was out of ammunition without any time to reload. He knocked me back to the ground. Before I had even processed what was happening, he was on top of me with his hands around my throat.”

My fingers instinctively slide across my neck, remembering how it felt when Miles’ fingers had bit into my skin that night.

“All I remember thinking was there was no way I was going to die there. I somehow managed to get the upper hand. The next thing I knew I was on top of him. I remember choking him so hard. I was prepared to kill him and for doing nothing more than trying to escape. The woman was screaming. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but it was enough to get my attention. That’s when I realized the two children were still standing there. They were over the body of their dead brother, watching their dad die too. Even then I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Tripp was dead. I had no idea where any of my other brothers were, and as far as I knew, I was going to die in that building. Being that certain of death does something to a person.”

“Did you kill him?” I ask when he stops talking and turns his gaze back out to the water.

“Another team arrived, otherwise I would have. I don’t know what happened to him. I was ushered out so quickly I don’t know what happened to any of them. I thought when I got home things would get better, but honestly, it was harder being here most days than it was being there. At least there I didn’t have to face the monster I’d become. But here, being home – around my family and friends – having to live with what I’d done. The innocent boy I had killed. I couldn’t even bare to look at myself in the mirror most days. I’ve dreamt of that man and his son nearly every night for the last eight years. That is until you.”

He reaches over and takes my hand.

“You quieted the demons. You gave me a sense of peace I didn’t think I would ever find. And I thought that was enough. But then I woke up... And my hands,” he chokes on his words. “They were around your neck.”

“Miles.” I slide from the rock and reach for his hands, pulling him down with me. “Look at me. I’m fine.”

“I almost killed you too.” Tears brim his eyes, and it takes everything I have not to resolve into a puddle on the ground.

“But you didn’t kill me. And what you did to that boy...I can see why that haunts you. But Miles, you have to find a way to forgive yourself. You aren’t that person. You have to know that.”

“But I don’t know that. Or at least I didn’t for a very long time. After that night at your apartment, I panicked. I was so afraid of hurting you again that I pushed you away which only hurt you more. I never wanted that. It killed me to let you go, Harlow. It gutted me.” He cups one side of my face in his hand. “People have been telling me for years to get help, but I never listened. I let the pain and guilt fester until it was eating me from the inside out. It wasn’t until my demons were passed to you that I realized they were right. The next day all I wanted to do was run to you and beg for your forgiveness, but I knew if I did, and you took me back, it was only a matter of time before we ended up right back there again and I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t come to you until I was sure.”

“Sure of what?”

“That I wouldn’t hurt you again.”

He slides his hand down the side of my neck and onto my shoulder before letting it fall away.

“I started seeing a therapist twice a week and joined a local veterans’ support group. It’s amazing how hearing stories like your own, seeing what other people have gone through and overcome, will do for a person. I’ve been sleeping at night and just generally feel better. Relieved even. Because instead of holding it in and obsessing over it, I’m finally letting it go. I’m freeing myself of something I’ve carried with me for far too long. I’m not miraculously healed, but I feel stronger every day. It won’t happen overnight, but eventually, maybe I’ll even find the strength to forgive myself.”

“You will,” I tell him, taking his hands in mine. “Because despite what you think, despite what you see, I see the real you and I wouldn’t change one single thing about the incredible person you are.”

“You’ve always managed to see past the darkness. Even when it was right in your face, all you saw was the light. I think that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you so hard and so fast. Because you made me see it too. I never meant for things to happen the way they did, and I can’t change that I hurt you, but what I can do is promise that I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”

“What are you saying?” I ask, fearful to allow myself to be hopeful.

“I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m saying I promise to continue to get the help I need. I’m saying I swear I will never hurt you again. I’m saying that I’m so deeply in love with you that the thought of living without you makes it hard to breathe.”

I blink back the tears that are building behind my eyes, feeling overwhelmed with a million different emotions all at once. A part of me is ready to throw caution to the wind and jump right back in. The other part of me is terrified  even to consider it.

Miles didn’t just hurt me. He completely leveled my entire world in a single blow. I’d be crazy not to be a little hesitant at least.

“I miss you, Harlow. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss the way you make me feel. I miss how my heart nearly pounds out of my chest every time you walk into a room or how with one look you can bring me right to my knees. You are my light at the end of the tunnel, Harlow. You didn’t just save my life. You are my life. Tell me I can still fix this. Tell me it’s not too late.” He takes my face in his hands and lowers his forehead to mine.

“It’s not too late,” I whisper, knowing there’s no sense in fighting it.

Miles pulls back, and despite the tears swimming in his eyes, he’s wearing the widest smile I think I’ve ever seen.

“I love you, Miles. It wouldn’t matter if it was seven weeks ago or a year from now, all you had to do was say the words.”

“I promise never to hurt you again.”

“Don’t make that promise because you will hurt me again. And I will hurt you. It’s part of being in a relationship. Instead, promise me that you’ll always stand and fight by my side, no matter how tough things get. And that you’ll always share with me how you’re feeling. That you won’t ever shut me out again. That’s all I really want.”

“I swear it,” he says, leaning in to press his lips to mine.

The instant the contact is made my entire body flutters to life. It feels like I’ve been holding my breath for nearly two months and suddenly I can breathe again.

I drink him in, revel in his taste and his smell, wondering how I was able to go so long without feeling the way I feel in this moment. The way only Miles can make me feel.

I knew when this all started it wouldn’t be easy, but then again most good things never are. It’s the things you have to fight for that mean the most. And I will fight for Miles until my last breath, even on the days he won’t fight for himself.

“I love you.” I feel his breath against my lips.

“I love you too,” is my only response and it’s the one I mean the most.