Nathan was my childhood sweetheart. We met the week we started secondary school and became almost immediately inseparable. Before I met Nathan, I was a good, simple girl. I loved pop music, trashy movies and make-up; I just wanted to grow up and marry a member of a boy band and live a happy life. Nathan wasn’t like the kind of guy you’d find in a boy band though. He didn’t care about being cool or dressing like the other kids, he cared about the environment and whether or not my lip gloss had been tested on animals. He made me care about things that your average teenage girl didn’t care about, and I felt like it made me a better person. I adapted to his vegan lifestyle, which, if truth be told, I probably wasn’t very good at. My mum didn’t understand it, so I was responsible for my own food consumption, and without all the trash your average teenager eats, I quickly lost weight.
‘You look like a starved and abused animal from an RSPCA poster,’ I remember my mum telling me one day, when I came home with a patch of my long hair shaved off at one side.
Nathan’s middle-class parents didn’t approve of his rebellion either, so when he was 16 he finished school, got a job and started renting a flat. Sixteen-year-old me though she was so cool, with her boyfriend who had his own home. Most 16-year-olds spent their time sneaking around, trying to grab private moments with their boyfriend, but not me. We would hang out on an evening, like an old married couple, watching documentaries and cooking healthy vegan meals (he did most of the hard work, if I’m being completely honest, but he let me help). It was just the two of us against the world, until I finished my A levels. I got a place at Middlesex University – my mum was so proud of me, she said I’d be the first person in our family to go to uni – but Nathan didn’t want me to go. We’d never really talked about what the plan was, but I thought I was going to go to uni and hopefully start some kind of career after, and he thought I was going to move in, get a job and start contributing towards the bills. We fought about it for days before eventually breaking up. I tried my best to think of a compromise – I was only going to be living in student accommodation a couple of hours away, and the plan was to come home at weekends – but Nathan wasn’t interested in any of them.
By the time I was halfway through my second year, I’d changed – a lot. While my hippy style remained (it just felt like a big part of my personality) I found myself with less free time for all the causes Nathan and I would spend our days fighting for. I also found myself dropping my vegan diet which was down to a combination of opting for quick and easy foods, and trying to put a little weight on because I was self-conscious of my lanky, skeletal frame, and I didn’t know how else to tackle it. It worked though, and soon enough I was just your average student, living in a flat that I shared with my friend/course mate Jasmine. Until one night that changed everything.
‘I really don’t think that’s the answer to your problems,’ my friend Jasmine said, looking at my laptop over my shoulder as she leaned forward to grab another slice of pizza. A piece of pepperoni fell off, landing on the living room floor; my friend simply shrugged her shoulders.
‘Online dating or eating chocolate?’ I asked.
‘Both.’
‘I’m just seeing who’s out there,’ I replied. I took a break from staring at my laptop screen to grab a handful of chocolate buttons. As I attempted to remove a few, I struggled to free my hand from the bag. I sighed.
‘Are the bags getting smaller or are my hands getting bigger?’ I ask my friend.
‘It might be a bit of both,’ she laughed. ‘And you’ll have an even harder time bagging a date with fat hands.’
Having been single since Nathan and I broke up, I began browsing dating websites that evening, and this was before they were an everyday thing like they are today.
‘I’m just looking because I’m bored,’ I admitted, shutting my laptop before placing it on the beanbag next to the sofa.
‘You should take my advice,’ she replied.
‘And why is that?’
‘Because I have a date tomorrow and you don’t,’ she reminded me.
‘Is this the same guy as last week, or a new one?’
‘A new one,’ she replied casually. ‘Haven’t heard from that guy from last week since I slept with him. I’ve sent him a few texts and he hasn’t replied so, that’s it, I’m not gonna text him any more.’
‘Oh, wow, that’ll show him,’ I teased. ‘You want to try withholding sex instead of text messages.’
Jasmine grabbed a cushion from the sofa and launched it at me.
‘Hilarious.’
I remember walking over to freezer to check for ice cream, but we didn’t have any. We had plastic ice cubes, slimming meals that no one wanted to eat and a bag of peas that had been defrosted more times than I’ve probably ever eaten peas, because we only used it for icing injuries – I’m sure, by now, you appreciate just how often I experience those.
‘Ergh, we ate all the ice cream,’ I moaned.
‘You’re only eating because you’re bored anyway,’ Jas said, pouring the remaining chocolate buttons into her mouth as she hit play on another episode of Scrubs.
‘I’m bulking for the winter.’
‘We’re nearly into February,’ she reminded me. ‘You should be working on your summer body.’
‘Yeah, that’s why I was looking for ice cream,’ I replied, stretching out my arm to grab my laptop again.
There were two tatty old sofas, so naturally we’d always take one each. Jasmine lay back before lifting up her T-shirt and patting her belly, which was bloated from all the carbs we’d consumed that evening.
‘Ahh, if only the men of London could see us now,’ she joked.
My phone buzzed with a text message – something it didn’t often do which made me eyeball my phone suspiciously.
‘Someone loves you,’ Jasmine said. She would say this every time anyone got a text.
I picked up my phone and I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was a message from Nathan – after over a year of no contact. He was just texting to see how I was doing, but we ended up swapping messages back and forth for a couple of hours before chatting on the phone until 5 a.m.! It was weird, like we’d never been apart, and it made me realise just how much I missed him. A couple of months later, when I went home for Easter, we ended up meeting up and then one thing led to another – and by ‘one thing led to another’ I don’t mean that we had sex that night. Well, we did, but what I actually mean is we realised we still wanted to be together and the only way that seemed possible was for me to drop out of uni after my second year and move back home to be with him.
I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, that was an insanely stupid thing to do for a boy, but I thought I was in love, and I was so much happier with him around. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enjoying uni, because I loved student life, but I knew that was only ever going to be a temporary arrangement and my relationship with Nathan was for the rest of my life – or so I thought. Jas thought I was stupid, quitting for a boy (I told myself she just didn’t know – or love – him like I did), and while I’d guess my mum thought the same, she told me that she’d always support me, so long as I was sure of what I was doing.
Of course, I was terrified that he’d hate me if he knew I was a dairy-consuming, meat-loving ‘murderer’ now, so I never owned up to that fact, snapping back to vegan life for the man I loved. Sure, cheese seemed like an insignificant thing to give up when you compared it to something like my education, but I thought I was in love.
So I moved in with him, I got a job, and we started saving up for our future together, which we decided we’d spend travelling the world, helping people in need. All we needed was enough money to get our tickets and to live on until we got settled, and we’d be good to go. This happened much quicker than we expected and, by the time I was 22, I was getting ready to travel the world with the love of my life. Just eight weeks before we were due to leave, I found out I was pregnant.
‘What do I do?’ I ask Alfie, my legs still locked around his waist. I’m not sure why I’m asking him, it’s not like he has the backstory needed to offer any kind of advice.
‘Talk to him,’ he suggests.
There’s a knock on the front door.
Still in shock, I hop down from the worktop and answer it.
‘Surprise,’ my mum says, holding out her arms for a hug, a bunch of flowers in one hand and a bottle of Prosecco in the other.
‘Viv, you’re early,’ I say, grabbing her and giving her a hug.
‘And your blouse is all the way open,’ she says with a laugh, nodding towards my bra. I guess Alfie must’ve done it while we were kissing – God, he’s good.
I quickly wrap it closed, holding it with my arms.
‘I thought it might be a nice surprise if I got here early,’ she says. ‘I didn’t think you’d be busy, I…’ My mum breaks eye contact as her voice trails off.
‘Well, hello,’ she says, as I realise Alfie is standing next to me in the doorway. I see that glimmer in her eyes, the one she gets when she sees a handsome young man. My mum is such a cougar.
‘Hello,’ he says politely. My mum passes me the flowers and the Prosecco, which I struggle to hold on top of pulling my shirt closed. She offers Alfie a hand to shake, but as his hand touches hers, she pulls him close for a hug.
‘Mum, Nathan is here,’ I whisper weakly. Seconds later, he appears.
I notice my mum’s expression change as she suddenly realises.
‘We thought we’d surprise you,’ she says.
‘Well, you did that,’ I say, annoyed.
‘Hey, Lil,’ Nathan says, finally breaking his silence. I ignore him.
‘This is a terrible surprise, Mum,’ I tell her. ‘He has no right to be here.’
My mum, embarrassed, changes the subject. ‘So, is this your neighbour?’ she asks.
‘Er, yeah,’ Alfie replies awkwardly, running a hand through his hair.
‘I have every right to be here,’ Nathan insists. ‘I’m here for my son.’
I laugh wildly.
‘Are you joking?’ I reply. ‘Would you even know him if you saw him?’
‘Viv showed me photos. He looks just like me.’
‘He looks nothing like you,’ I insist. ‘You have no right to just turn up and think you can be his dad – he has no idea who you are.’
‘Oh, because you’re such a great mum?’ he replies. ‘Banging the neighbours on your lunch break.’
I feel the rage bubble up inside me.
‘I should go,’ Alfie says.
‘Tell you what,’ my mum starts, taking Alfie by the arm. ‘Why don’t you give me directions to the school, and maybe a nice local café, I can get a cup of tea in me while I wait for Frankie to finish. We can leave these two to talk.’
‘I’ll give you a lift,’ Alfie suggests.
‘I have nothing to say to him,’ I insist, annoyed that he’s turned up like this and driven Alfie away.
‘Just hear him out, darling,’ my mum suggests.
I sigh. ‘Alfie, I’ll call you later, OK?’
He gives me a half smile. ‘See you, Blossom.’
‘Blossom,’ Nathan sniggers once they’re gone.
‘I suppose you should come in,’ I say reluctantly.