With my mum by my side, I sit Frankie down on the sofa and try to explain to him that he does have a dad and that he’s here if he wants to meet him.
Frankie just stares at me for a moment. I can practically see the cogs in his brain turning.
‘Would you like to meet him?’ I ask.
Frankie continues to think it over. I look over at Viv for support.
‘Your dad is a very important person,’ she tells him. ‘He’s being doing work all around the world, I’m sure he’ll have a lot of stories to tell you.’
‘OK,’ Frankie says. He looks terrified, the poor little thing.
‘How about, I finish cooking dinner and you, your mum and your dad sit down at the table and just have a chat, see what happens.’
‘OK,’ he says again. It’s hard to read him, to figure out if he doesn’t want to meet Nathan or if he does, but he’s just nervous.
‘You sure, kiddo?’ I say, squeezing his hand.
He nods.
I lead him over to the table and sit him down before heading outside to get Nathan. I feel my heart sink as I watch a cloud of smoke escape from the window of the campervan.
‘Nathan,’ I call out. He pokes a head out of the window curiously, a small, rolled up cigarette hanging from his mouth as he looks to see who might be calling his name.
I widen my eyes at him, which causes him to quickly stick his head back in, closing the window behind him. In a few seconds he’s out of the van, hurrying over to the front door.
‘You didn’t think a change of clothes might be nice?’ I say.
‘None with me,’ he says. ‘If you fancied washing me some maybe?’
He makes a move for the front door, but I stop him.
‘Nathan, listen to me. Frankie is the most important thing in the world to me. If you hurt him…’
‘You’ll what, kill me?’ he laughs.
‘I’m serious,’ I insist. ‘You’re getting a second chance that you absolutely don’t deserve.’
‘Take a chill pill, Lil,’ he laughs. I’m not a violent person, but I could change my mind for Nathan.
‘OK,’ I say softly. I want to believe that this is the right thing to do, but for some reason it feels like I’m jumping out of a plane without a parachute, just hoping and praying I find a soft landing.
Frankie looks dumbstruck as Nathan walks over to him.
‘Oh wow, look at you,’ Nathan says. ‘My little boy, all grown up. The man of the house.’
I don’t point out that he never actually saw Frankie when he was a baby, or that he’s the man of the house because Nathan left.
‘Should I hug him?’ he asks me.
‘Maybe just give him some space,’ I suggest quietly, seeing how nervous and confused Frankie looks. ‘You’re basically a stranger.’
We both take a seat at the table. Frankie is sat at the end and Nathan and I are either side of him, facing each other.
‘I’m sure you have a lot of questions for me,’ Nathan says.
‘Were you in prison?’ Frankie asks him. I exhale deeply. I can’t believe those are his first words to his dad.
‘No, of course not,’ he says before turning to me. ‘Although there was a little incident with a bag of W-E-E-D when I was in the States that saw me locked up for a night.’
I think that was supposed to impress me.
‘Nathan, he’s 8 years old. He can spell,’ I point out.
‘Oh, right, sorry.’
‘Didn’t you want to be my dad?’ Frankie asks him.
Just hearing him say these words hurts me, so I can’t even begin to imagine how he must be feeling and, as for Nathan, that must sting.
I watch as Nathan struggles to find a worthy explanation when, the truth is, that he didn’t want to be a parent, he wanted to go off travelling and have fun with zero responsibility, so he left me alone and pregnant to figure things out for myself.
‘Your dad didn’t want to leave you,’ I lie. ‘He had important work to do abroad, that no one else could do.’
At this stage, I feel like I’m practically being sarcastic. I hate lying to my son, but if it spares his feelings, then it’s worth it. Nathan meaningfully nods along with my tale.
‘And, the truth is, we didn’t know if he’d ever be able to make it back, he was so far away. And he knew that I could look after you all on my own, so he went off to look after kids who didn’t have a mummy or a daddy, to make sure they had water and an education.’
Frankie nods. He’s such a sweet kid, of course he’s trying to understand.
‘Dinner is nearly ready,’ Viv calls.
‘Your dad just wants the chance to get to know you, if you’d like that,’ I tell him.
‘OK,’ Frankie replies.
‘OK?’ Nathan says. ‘Awesome. Come here.’
He leans over and gives Frankie’s shoulder a squeeze.
‘Well, we can all hang out and just see what happens,’ I say.
‘This is great,’ Nathan says. ‘So great. Totally rad.’
I try to remember if ‘rad’ was in his vocabulary when we were together. I really hope not.
Viv places a large bowl of mashed potatoes and a jug of gravy down on the table before heading back towards the kitchen area. She comes back with a plate of sausages and places them down before taking a seat opposite Frankie.
‘Bangers and mash,’ she says enthusiastically. ‘I’ll bet it’s been a while since you’ve had my bangers and mash, ey, Frankie?’
‘Whoa, Viv, what are you doing?’ Nathan says, horrified.
Viv gives him a puzzled look.
‘Meat?’
‘Oh, sorry, darling, are you still doing that? I suppose I just assumed you’d grown out of it like Lily did when she was at uni.’
‘You gave up being a vegan at university?’ he shrieks in my direction. ‘Lil, what happened to you? Wait – we were together after that. You never said anything. Oh, so, I’m not the only one who makes mistakes then.’
I roll my eyes. If Frankie weren’t here, I’d point out to my darling ex that giving up not eating animals and giving up a child were hardly comparable.
‘So Frank eats meat and dairy too?’
‘Who?’ I ask him.
‘Frank,’ he replies, before he realises what I’m getting at. ‘Frankie. You eat meat and dairy?’
‘Yeah…is that bad?’ he asks Nathan.
‘Only if you’re down with the torture and slaughter of helpless animals,’ he replies.
‘OK, enough,’ I interrupt.
‘You’re in luck,’ Viv says. ‘I made too many potatoes, so there are a few boiled ones left over.’
She hurries over to the kitchen grabs them, before sitting them down in front of Nathan. Just a plate of boiled potatoes.
‘Gravy?’ she asks.
‘Is there meat in it?’ he replies.
‘There’s Bisto in it,’ she laughs.
‘Yeah, there’s meat in it,’ I tell him as I serve Frankie his dinner, before loading up my own plate too.
‘What do you eat?’ Frankie asks him seriously.
‘I enjoy a nutritious diet, rich in whole foods,’ he tells him, as though that’s going to mean anything to him. ‘Fruit, veg, whole grains, nuts and seeds.’
‘That sounds rubbish,’ Frankie says honestly.
‘Well, sausages might taste nice, Frank, but pigs have feelings too, y’know. They want to be happy, living in beautiful places, not raised on crowded factory farms, only to be murdered so you can eat them.’
Frankie’s eyes widen with horror.
‘Nathan, he’s 8 years old,’ I insist. ‘Stop preaching, just eat your potatoes and be self-righteous and hungry.’
Frankie pushes his food around his plate.
‘It’s OK, kiddo, don’t let him put you off.’
‘Can I make you an omelette, Nathan,’ Viv suggests. ‘No cheese.’
‘Viv, omelettes are eggs,’ he points out.
‘But, hens lay eggs anyway? I don’t understand.’
‘Let’s not get into it now, hmm?’ I say.
The number of foods my son is interested in eating is too few as it is. He can’t afford to be put off the few things he does enjoy or he’ll starve.
‘So are you staying locally?’ I ask Nathan. ‘There are so many B&Bs here.’
‘I, er, wondered if I could stay here,’ he says hopefully, popping an entire potato into his mouth.
‘Here?’ I reply, shocked. ‘There’s no room here, sorry.’
I mean, there really isn’t any room here, but even if there were, there’s no way I’m going to let him just move in. He feels like a stranger.
‘Oh…it’s just, I don’t really have any money at the moment. It was hard enough scraping together enough to get home.’
I feel my brow furrow, because I see what’s going on here. The only reason he’s come back is because he has finally run out of money and options, and to pretend that it’s because he wants to finally connect with his son is despicable.
‘You can sleep in your van, right?’ I say.
‘Erm…’
‘It’s a campervan, right? They’re made for living in. You can use the bathroom here.’ Please! ‘But you’ll be fine on the drive, won’t you?’
If Nathan really does want to be here, he’ll be happy to sleep outside, just to be close to his son.
‘Yeah,’ he says, although he doesn’t seem happy with my suggestion. ‘OK.
‘Just you watch, Frankie, I’m gonna turn everything around. I’m gonna get a job, I’m gonna show you what a great dad I am – your mum will be begging me to move back in.’
I stab an entire sausage with my fork and raise it to my mouth.
‘Don’t count on it,’ I say, before taking a meaningful bite.