Today I am working from home, and by working from home I mean I’m sitting on the unusually vacant sofa with my notebook (that is now officially just a notebook and not a diary, because I never actually wrote anything in it) doodling the name of the deli – kind of like a young girl would do with her crush’s surname.
It’s much colder today, especially now that the storm is starting to pick up outside, so I’m curled up with a big pot of tea, a leftover brownie and a blanket wrapped around my legs.
Life doesn’t stop because of a bit of bad weather (rainstorms and soon to be 50 mph winds, specifically), especially here on the coast where everyone seems used to it, so after a session here trying to come up with titles, I need to pop to the deli to accept a delivery, then I need to rush over to the school where Frankie and his schoolmates will be singing for the mums and dads as part of their autumn celebration. I hated doing stuff like that when I was at school but, now that it’s my kid taking part in them, I can’t get enough of them.
‘Look at you,’ I say to my mum as she walks out of our bedroom. I guess I’m used to sharing my space with her now, I don’t really think twice about it. It’s just the new normal, sharing my bed with my mum. I suppose we need to talk about what’s happening long-term, I’m just scared to do it in front of Nathan in case he thinks he’s included.
‘Just something I threw together,’ my mum says, giving me a twirl. She’s wearing a red jump suit that you might think is too young for someone her age, but she looks amazing it in.
‘Are we going to talk about you and Biagio?’ I ask.
‘Lily, I really like him,’ she gushes.
‘You really like everyone,’ I laugh. ‘But thank you for convincing him to come and work for me, he called yesterday to tell me. I called Eric and Amanda and told them all about him, how well the tasting party went, what kind of new things we should stock – I didn’t mention the whole Great British Fake Off debacle. So they’re delighted.’
Viv laughs.
‘Everything will be fine,’ she assures me. ‘And…I don’t know, it’s just different with Biagio. It’s true what they say about Italians being the best lovers.’
‘Ah, Viv, please, you’ll put me off my brownie.’
‘Sewage backing up out of the toilet wouldn’t put you off a brownie,’ she reminds me. I scrunch my face up in disgust but realise she may have a point. I do love chocolate.
‘He’s nice to me,’ she says, softening a little, letting her usual sassy guard down. ‘I feel like he cares about me, and about what is on the inside.’
‘That’s really nice,’ I tell her. ‘Well, go, have a lovely lunch with him, try and keep it PG if you’re going to a restaurant.’
‘I will,’ she laughs. ‘See you at the concert.’
‘See you,’ I laugh.
I feel like ‘concert’ is a term too grand to describe forty kids singing in a small hall, but it’s nice to see her excited about it too. Even Nathan is coming, despite the fact that it clashes with Escape to the Country, which Frankie is more excited about than anything. He went off to school this morning with a real spring in his step, after spending extra time in the bathroom getting ready so that he would look his best for his performance. He was over the moon to learn that he’s invited to Simon’s birthday party, and it sounds like the kids at school are starting to embrace him, even if the adults still aren’t crazy about me.
Nathan comes charging into the cottage like a baby elephant, dropping a pile of papers down on the table in front of me.
‘New Delhi!’ he bellows.
‘That’s probably a bit too meta for somewhere like here,’ I tell him. ‘Plus, I already came up with a name: Apple Blossom Deli. I forgot to tell you.’
I didn’t forget to tell him, it just didn’t seem important to keep him in the loop.
‘What?’ he asks, puzzled.
‘Calling the new deli, New Deli. I think it’s a bit too meta for the area, everything is kind of traditional and—’
‘No idea what you’re talking about,’ he interrupts me. ‘What I’m talking about is the job I just got offered in New Delhi, starting ASAP, they’re paying for flights over later today. Pack your bags, go get Frankie from school, let’s do this.’
His excited ranting stuns me into silence for a moment. Eventually, his words set in.
‘What? You want us to go to New Delhi with you? Like, move there?’
‘Yes,’ he says excitedly. ‘I’ve got a job offer – and it’s a real, charity gig this time, not like before. Look, I admit, you were right, I’d run out of money, I was struggling to find work to keep up the lifestyle, but now I have something. It’s part of a big programme that supports disadvantaged children – and there’s even work in elephant camps, can you imagine? Working with elephants. Frankie will love it.’
I walk over to Nathan and give him a reluctant sniff.
‘I’m not high,’ he laughs. ‘Look at the paperwork. I just went to the library, checked my emails, saw the offer – everything is in place.’
‘I live here,’ I say slowly. ‘Frankie lives here. He goes to school here. I have a job here.’
‘But no one likes you,’ he says, a little too enthusiastically. ‘The deli is gonna flop, Frankie doesn’t like that stupid school really. Lil, the other day he was telling me about his best friend – some guy called Henry? He’s like 70 years old.’
‘Erm, he’s in his sixties,’ I correct him. ‘Nathan, we haven’t been here long. There’s no reason for me to just up and leave and – with you. Why would I move to India with you?’
‘So we can be a family again,’ he says, rubbing my shoulders. ‘Look, I’ll admit it, seeing you with that farmer, it makes me jealous. We’re meant to be together, me and you, not you and him. And we have Frankie together, and doesn’t he deserve parents who are together and love each other?’
‘He would have that if you hadn’t left before he was born,’ I tell him, wiggling his hands off me. ‘Oh God, is that why you tried to kiss me? Nathan, there’s nothing between us. You know that as well as I do.’
‘Just, give it a chance,’ he says, taking my chin between his thumb and his index finger. ‘Give family a chance. Give love a chance.’
‘Nathan, seriously, get off me,’ I say, swatting his hand away.
I sit back down on the sofa and put my head in my hands. I feel Nathan sit down next to me.
‘Well, OK, maybe the romance will take time, but don’t you want the adventure? What we always talked about? And Frankie would love it!’
‘Nathan, no,’ I tell him firmly. Looking him in the eye so he knows I’m serious. ‘Even if I didn’t have a job to do here. No.’
‘I could just take Frankie,’ he suggests, and I feel my entire body flinch. Over my dead body he’s taking my kid away from me.
‘He doesn’t even have a passport,’ I lie. I’m not sure if that was a suggestion or a threat, but I’m not risking it.
‘Oh,’ he replies. ‘I could go and you guys could meet me once you’ve finished setting the deli up?’
‘Or you could not go,’ I suggest. ‘You could stay here for your son and get a real job.’
Nathan thinks for a moment. I can see the mental anguish on his face and I realise that he’s considering going anyway, with or without us.
‘Nathan, don’t you dare,’ I say. ‘You can’t just drop back into his life and then piss off again after just a few weeks. He loves you. He loves you as much as he loves me. You’re too important to him now.’
‘So come with me,’ he says.
‘Or what, you’ll just go? You’ll leave your son? When I look at Frankie I’m just overwhelmed by how much I love him. I could never leave him. Everything I do is for him. I can’t believe I made such a perfect little person.’
‘We made him together,’ Nathan reminds me. ‘That’s why you should come with me.’
‘No, that’s not what I mean,’ I say. ‘Anyone can have sex and get pregnant – that’s just how you make a baby. What I’m talking about is what a smart, thoughtful, funny, caring young man he’s become, and that’s nothing to do with you, that’s how I raised him. I made him. Me alone, and I’m so proud of him. I don’t want to take him to another continent, to teach him how to feed elephants. I want him to get the best education. I want him to go to university – if he wants to – to be whatever he wants. You just want him to be a mini you.’
‘Because there’s something so wrong with that?’
‘Absolutely, yes,’ I say. ‘You want to take an 8-year-old out of school, to live in India, while you wash elephants.’
‘Lil, listen to me, I’m trying to be reasonable here. I’m going – I can’t turn this job down. It’s everything I’ve dreamed of! I’m trying to do the right thing by taking you guys with me.’
‘Nathan, we’re not coming. And if you were any sort of man, you would stay here and continue to build a relationship with the son you only met this month.’
I watch the cogs turning in his head, until Nathan confirms my worst fear: he’s not thinking about what he should do, he’s thinking about how to tell me.
‘Lil, I’m taking this job, and I’m going today.’
‘And how are you going to explain this to your son?’ I ask him.
‘I’ll have to leave within the hour,’ he tells me. ‘Maybe you could explain it to him? Daddy has important work to do abroad, you know, like you said before?’
I shake my head.
‘Nathan, I know doing the right thing doesn’t come naturally to you, so I’m going to really spell this out for you. If you were any kind of man, you wouldn’t go at all. If you had just a shred of decency, you’d turn up to his concert this afternoon and then you’d tell him yourself that you’re leaving him, so soon after coming into his life. It’s not my job to do your dirty work for you.’
‘I’m not sure I can do it,’ he says.
‘I’ll be there,’ I say.
‘No, I mean because I’ll miss my flight. I need to hit the road, to make my flight from Heathrow.’
I can’t help but laugh.
‘Nathan, you’re going to ruin his life,’ I tell him plainly. ‘It’s that simple. You can’t abandon him again.’
He nods thoughtfully.
‘Look, I need to go to work for a delivery. Sit here, think things over more carefully, come to the concert, watch him sing, look him in the eye and then see if you still want to give him up, just so you can travel, OK?’
He puffs air from his cheeks.
‘Yeah, OK,’ he replies.
‘OK, so I’ll see you later?’
‘Yeah, OK,’ he says again.
I stand up, grab my coat and my bag and head for the door.
‘Please, think carefully,’ I remind him. ‘He’s not just a kid, he’s a person. And one day he’s going to be a grown man and he’s going to understand every decision you’ve made, and not necessarily in a good way.’
He nods.
As I hurry through the strong wind and rain and get into my car, I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. He’ll do the right thing, I tell myself. He has to.