Waking up in Alfie’s bed, cuddled up close to him with my head on his hairy chest, I could almost be tempted to stay here forever – not just in Marram Bay, but here in this bed. I feel so protected and safe with him. He’s still sleeping so I stroke his chest. It’s been so long since I felt this way about anyone and it terrifies me. I would love to give staying another chance, but I promised Frankie that if things didn’t get better, I would take him back to London, and I’m keeping that promise. I haven’t done anything with only me in mind since Frankie was born – even moving here was supposed to be to give him a better life – and I’m not about to start now. What he needs right now is familiarity and stability, and he can’t get that here. Still, it’s nice to lie here, pretending this is my wonderful life. I’ll just drink it up for five more minutes before…
‘Lily, Lily!’ I hear my mum screaming.
Alfie wakes up suddenly, jumping up from under me. I’d say it was nice while it lasted but I’ve never heard my mum sound so worried, so I grab my dress from the floor and run downstairs to find her.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask, Alfie close behind me, hopping into his trackies.
‘It’s Frankie, he’s gone,’ she sobs. ‘And the front door is wide open.’
‘Don’t worry, we’ll find him,’ Alfie assures me. ‘Go check the cottage, maybe he went back there.’
‘OK,’ I say, dashing back for my shoes. ‘Do you think he’s run away again?’ I call out from the bedroom.
‘I think he might have,’ Alfie calls back. ‘And I think he’s taken Kitty with him.’
I should have known that he’d try and run away again, like he did last time he was upset. Is this going to be his new thing? Just darting from his problems? Just like his dad? I remind myself that I’m just upset and scared, and that I just need to focus on finding him and then everything will be OK.
I run down the hill from Alfie’s farm to the cottage, with a level of athleticism I never realised I had. It’s amazing, what we’re capable of when we need to be.
I run into the living room, check the bedrooms and the bathroom – I even check the garden, but there’s no sign of him. Now that the storm has passed, I can see just how damaged the kitchen is. If ever there were a metaphor for my life, this cottage is it. Knackered, beaten, broken and empty.
I hop into my car, which doesn’t start until my fourth attempt, but I’m just so grateful that it does. I try and think about where he might be going – last time he said he was going back to London, but there are no signposts or anything around here, just country roads and fields. I consider an 8-year-old’s logic – if the way into Marram Bay is this way, then he might think the other way is the way out of town, and the way back home.
I drive along slowly, terrified he’ll be in the long grass at the side of the road somewhere and I’ll miss him. I keep going – I don’t know how long for – because I don’t know what time he snuck out, so I don’t know how far he could’ve got. I pull over, searching for my phone to call Alfie and see if he’s found him on the farm, but I must have left it there. Shit!
Maybe it will be like before, he’ll just be out on the farm, looking at the alpacas, showing them to Kitty. It’s a good sign, right? That he has the kitten with him?
Maybe I should give up searching this road, because there’s no real evidence he went this way. Maybe I should go back to Alfie’s and call the police. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Eight-year-olds shouldn’t just wander off on their own, I need to call them, we need to get a search going as soon as possible.
I make a U-turn and head back for the farm and, this time around, the journey feels like it takes much longer than it did in reverse. I cover a bit of ground I haven’t yet, just in case he might have taken a different route, but there’s no sign of him at all.
I’m about to drive straight past the cottage, when I notice a crowd of people standing outside.
‘Alfie?’ I say, getting out of the car. ‘Have you found him?’
‘Not yet,’ he says. ‘But everyone has come out to help.’
I glance around and, despite it being early in the morning, I can account for almost everyone I’ve met since the day I arrived here.
‘People have brought you clean clothes, blankets and food. Jeff is out back, patching the back of the cottage up until you can get it fixed. Everyone else is here and ready to search, so come on, let’s go.’
‘Why would they do this?’ I ask him quietly. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, it’s just confusing.
‘Because you’re one of us,’ he tells me. ‘Because you’re having a hard time, because your kid is missing, and because I asked them to. I don’t think it hurt that I posted all about you getting the delis to sell my products last night either.’
‘Thank you,’ I say, squeezing him tightly.
‘OK, get in my car,’ he insists. ‘I’ve got a few ideas about where we can look.’
Alfie, noticing how worried I am, stops in his tracks to comfort me.
‘We’re going to find him,’ he insists firmly, holding me by my sides. ‘I promise you, we’re going to find him.’
I nod, but I’m still terrified. My mind is jumping to all sorts of horrible conclusions.
As I climb into Alfie’s car I notice another pull up outside the cottage. Avril gets out.
‘Wait,’ I say, quickly opening the door again, as I notice her lift something out of the back of her car. It’s Kitty, closely followed by Frankie.
‘Alfie, he’s there,’ I squeak, jumping out and running over to him. ‘Frankie, oh my God, Frankie. Shit!’
‘Swears,’ he says as I grab him and damn-near squeeze the life out of him.
‘My God, it’s so good to hear you tell me off,’ I say, twirling him around.
‘Mrs Snowball says that saying “God” like that is just as bad as swearing, that it’s taking the Lord’s name in vain,’ he says.
I put him down and place my hands on his face.
‘You ran away again – you promised me you wouldn’t.’
I don’t wait for an answer, I turn to Avril and hug her tightly.
‘Thank you so much, where did you find him?’
‘Outside Clara’s,’ she says. ‘Waiting for them to open, but they were both still in bed. He said they wanted chicken nuggets. I don’t think they were waiting there for long.’
I realise by ‘they’ she means Frankie and Kitty.
Frankie may have only been out on his own for an hour, but the time I spent looking for him is easily the most terrified I have ever felt in my life. It’s going to be a long time before I let him out of my sight – and maybe my arms – again.
‘I can’t even imagine how scared you must’ve been,’ Avril says. ‘I was just in the right place at the right time. I saw Alfie’s post in the group about Frankie being missing. Maybe we should let you in the group – you know, for security reasons.’
I hear what she’s saying.
‘Thank you,’ I say again. ‘Thank you.’
‘You gave us quite a scare, kiddo,’ Alfie says. It touches me, to hear him use my nickname for Frankie.
‘Come with me,’ I say, leading him towards Alfie’s car. ‘Do you mind if we have a quick chat?’
‘Go for it,’ he says, taking Kitty from Frankie. ‘I’ll look after her while you talk. Give me a wave if you want me.’
‘Thank you, everyone. For everything. Thank you so much,’ I say to the crowd of people who all came out just to help us.
I climb into the back of Alfie’s car with Frankie and take him by the hand.
‘I know you’re upset about your dad leaving – I am too. And I’m sorry we didn’t really get to talk about it last night, with everything that happened. The fact is, I could tell you all sorts of stories, about how your dad has important work to do around the world, which is what he wanted me to tell you, but one day you’re going to be old enough to figure out for yourself that that just isn’t true.’
‘Doesn’t he love me?’ Frankie asks, his bottom lip quivering. I feel my heart just crumbling to dust inside my chest.
‘He does love you,’ I tell him. ‘He just doesn’t show it properly. He has the love, he just lacks things like responsibility and he’s selfish. The truth is, he wasn’t ready to be a dad when you were born, and he’s still not ready now. But that’s a problem with him, not you. You are amazing.’
He nods.
‘One day, when you’re older, if he comes back, you can decide whether or not you want a relationship with him. Maybe he’ll stay longer next time, maybe he won’t. But all you need to remember is that you have a mum who loves you, and a gran who loves you.’ I look outside the car window where I spot Alfie watching us. ‘I think Alfie loves you too.’
‘Do you love Alfie?’ Frankie asks. His question takes me aback.
‘I do have very strong feelings for him,’ I admit. ‘He’s a very good man.’
‘Then why do we have to leave?’ he asks me.
‘Leave? You ran away,’ I remind him. ‘Don’t you want to leave?’
‘I heard you, last night. You said we were going back to London. I don’t want to go back, I want to stay here with Alfie and Kitty and all my friends at school.’
Before I have a chance to say anything, Viv gets in the other side of the car.
‘You had us worried sick,’ she tells him, before her anger dissolves and she grabs him and hugs him, holding him tightly.
‘I’m sorry, Viv,’ he says, his voice muffled by her body.
‘He ran away because he overheard me saying that we were moving back to London,’ I tell her.
‘You’re not, are you?’ Viv says. ‘And just when I was thinking of moving here too.’
‘What?’
‘Biagio has asked me if I want to move in with him. I mean, it’s lovely living with you two, but I can’t be sharing a bed with my daughter, not when I’m pushing forty.’
Frankie and I both giggle at her blatant lie.
‘Is it not a bit soon to be moving in with him?’ I ask her.
‘Darling, when you know, you know,’ she tells me. ‘You’ll never need convincing of anything that you feel sure of. I know who I care about, I know what I’m comfortable with and I know what I want. Always go with your gut, my girl.’
I think for a moment, although I’m not sure why. I want Alfie. I want to stay here and I want to make a go of it with him, with the deli – sure, things will be tough while we figure out what to do about the cottage, and the deli…
I wave at Alfie, beckoning him over.
‘Shift up,’ he says, opening my side of the car. I do, and he squashes in the back with us. Well, I say he squashes, it’s not exactly cramped in the back of a Range Rover.
‘So, we think we might stay here,’ I tell him. ‘All three of us. Viv is moving in with her fancy man, apparently.’
‘Good for you,’ he tells her with a chuckle.
‘Well, I definitely have room for two at my place,’ he says. ‘And I still need someone to look after Kitty – although, she’s not old enough to eat chicken nuggets yet, mate.’
‘Can we live with Alfie, Mum?’ Frankie begs.
‘Thank you,’ I tell Alfie. ‘If we could stay until the cottage is sorted.’
‘We’ll see,’ he replies. ‘Maybe I’ll convince you to stay a bit longer.’
I smile.
‘I can’t believe everyone came out to help,’ I say, blown away by the support. ‘No one thought I’d faked the kidnap of my child for sympathy then?’
‘I told you, people were impressed you said you’d stock my products,’ he tells me with a laugh. ‘You just needed to prove that you loved the town, so that the town could love you back. The Apple Blossom girl did a good thing and people saw that.’
We hold eye contact again. That long, lingering eye contact I’ve gotten so used to sharing with him. It’s so calm, yet so full of possibilities, and when I have his attention like this, my breathing always quickens.
‘Let’s leave these two alone for a second,’ Viv suggests. ‘They can figure out who is going to sleep where and we can go and make sure Kitty is OK.’
‘OK,’ Frankie replies, holding onto the word a little longer than usual, in an almost knowing way.
Once it’s just the two of us, I shift up a little to give Alfie more space, but he follows me.
‘So, you’re staying,’ he says.
‘I am,’ I reply.
‘And you’re going to move in with me.’
‘For now,’ I laugh.
‘You’ve tried my shower, right? No one leaves that shower.’
‘That is true, you do have a good shower.’
‘And my bed,’ he says, running a hand up the side of my face and into my hair where he holds the back of my head. ‘My bed is pretty good, right?’
‘It’s a pretty good bed,’ I tell him coyly. ‘I’ll give it another go.’
Alfie pulls me close and kisses me.
‘I love you,’ he whispers. ‘I think I’ve loved you since the second I laid eyes on you. Or maybe since the second time I laid eyes on you. The first time you were surrounded by cow crap and very angry.’
I laugh and I feel a tear escape one of my eyes, which Alfie quickly wipes away.
‘I love you too,’ I tell him. ‘Always have. But, listen, it’s not an easy job, taking on someone else’s kid, you have to be sure.’
‘That’s true,’ he says, thinking carefully for a moment. ‘But so long as you promise to be a good mum to my dog, cat, alpaca, ducks – and Phillip, of course, he’s a handful – then I think we might just be able to make it work.’
Alfie not even thinking twice about the fact that I come with Frankie tells me everything I need to know about him. He’s a good man and staying here with him is absolutely the right thing to do.