Rory was absent the next day, so I ate lunch with Darren. He had a greasy fish sandwich, and it smelled so gross it made my grilled cheese sandwich taste fishy. I felt someone watching me and saw Brendon staring at me from across the room. He was sitting with a couple of his friends, and I wondered why he was there, since he had a different lunch period. I also wondered why Lauren was practically sitting on him. She was so obvious. He didn’t seem to be paying attention to her, but she was helping herself to his French fries, when she had perfectly good fries on her tray. He gave me one of his lopsided smiles, which was the only time he ever seemed unsure of himself. Of course, Brendon looking insecure only made him look hotter. I decided to write him a note in fifth period. With Grandma’s health so bad, I was starting to see you shouldn’t hold grudges or hold back about how you feel. Besides, lately I felt so alone. I couldn’t talk to Mom about everything because she was going nuts with Grandma in the hospital and Grandpa not knowing where he was half the time. I needed Brendon now.

Hey,

I’m sorry about getting mad about the reading. I know you couldn’t help how your friend got sick. And I’m sorry about the whole thing at the mall. I miss you.

Love,

Emme

It was just three sentences, yet I had poured my heart into them. I felt so vulnerable. I asked Sam to give it to him, and Brendon was waiting at my locker before sixth period.

“Hey. I’m so glad you gave me the note,” he said. He brushed my hair back and slid his arm around me. “Wait for me after seventh period, and we can hang out, okay? I’m going to lie and say I’m sick so I don’t have to go to the homecoming committee meeting.”

“You’re on the committee? I thought there were mostly girls on it.”

He laughed. “Anything for the transcripts. The college I want to get into only takes the top students, and you have to be well-rounded. My dad only reminds me daily.”

“So aren’t you going to ask me to homecoming?” I asked, standing up on my toes to kiss him.

He pulled back. “Crap. I already said I’d go with Lauren.”

“What? When?”

“She just asked me on Sunday, and you and I were broken up, and the co-chair has to go to the dance—”

“We were not broken up!” I said.

“You said you needed a break!”

“Did it even occur to you to try and work things out with me? Or did you run straight to Lauren the second I got out of the car?”

“You mean the way you run to Darren every time you get mad at me?”

“Don’t make this about—”

“It’s perfectly okay for you to hang out with him, but I can’t have female friends—”

I started to say something, but he cut me off. “I know your ex-boyfriend got back with his old girlfriend, but not every guy is like that. Why does everything have to be so complicated with you?”

“So not the point!” I said. “The point is you said you’d go to a dance, like, five minutes after—”

“Could you please lower your voice?”

I couldn’t believe he was more concerned about me making a scene than the fact he had basically crapped all over our relationship. And I was too shocked about the dance to even start crying. Moving past him, I ran into the girls’ bathroom, went into the big stall in the back, and stared at “Randi’s a loser” until the bell rang. I couldn’t believe he had said he’d go to a dance with another girl without seeing if we were going to work things out. As I walked to class, I told myself I shouldn’t care about what he did since he obviously didn’t care about me, but it hurt to think I could be replaced so fast.

After my class, I decided to walk past Brendon’s classroom. I don’t know if I was hoping to find him devastated and crying, but what I saw was Lauren waiting for him. He didn’t look upset at all as they walked off together. I followed them, and he stopped at the vending machines to get a soda. He took a drink, and she reached up and took the bottle from him, her raspberry-colored nails clutching it. I watched her drink out of his bottle, and then I walked away. I was angry, hurt, and trying hard not to care. Maybe some part of me had wanted Brendon to think there was something more between Darren and me, but now I was afraid he thought I had moved on and it was okay for him to move on, too. Then I wondered if I wanted him back because he had moved on. I had forgotten how thoughtful he could be and how he shared things with me he could never tell anyone else…and his big brown eyes and the way he’d focus them on me.

I went to class and tried to concentrate as Mr. Horowitz told us he had decided we should start writing journals. “We’ll write about different things, like a book you wouldn’t normally pick up, or a public spot and write about the people walking by,” he said. “And we’re going to go on a field trip to the art museum to write about the paintings next week, so get these permission slips signed—and no forgeries. Tom, I’m looking in your direction. Real signatures, people.”

“What’s wrong?” Darren asked, leaning over.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You sure?” he asked. “Well, I’m here for you, if you want to talk about anything.”

Margaux and Kylie came over after school when they heard about Lauren going to the dance with Brendon.

“She, like, pounced on him in a weak moment. She was waiting for an opportunity, and then she just went for it,” Margaux said.

“It sucks he said he’d go,” Kylie said. “But it’s not like he said he was going as her boyfriend. I mean, you said he seemed happy when you gave him the note—”

“Hello! He agreed to go to a dance with another girl,” Margaux said. “He’s obviously not into Emme enough to turn Lauren down. I’m sorry, Em, but seriously, what’s he gotta do? Wear a sandwich board saying, ‘Emme, I’ve moved on. See ya?’” Margaux grabbed a rice cake. “What the crap? This package says they use natural fertilizer on the rice? Does it mean animals are, like, pooing on the rice cakes?”

Kylie and I put our rice cakes down. “See, this is why I don’t eat organic,” Margaux said, getting up. “Don’t you have any junk food around here? I know your mom eats Cheeze Puffies; don’t even lie. Ooh, score. Corn chips.”

Kylie said she saw the same thing happen on Sunset Falls, and the couple on the show realized it was all a big misunderstanding, and they got back together.

“Of course, Angelique had amnesia at the time, so that was a big factor, but whatever,” she said. “Anyway, I just don’t get why Brendon would think it would be okay to go to the dance with another girl.”

Margaux rolled her eyes. “Did he even wait until you were out of the car to ask her? Besides, he’d lose it if you were going with someone else.”

“Lauren asked him—”

“That’s what he wants you to think,” she said, as Kylie smacked her arm.

“But it’s not just anyone he’s going with,” I said. “It’s his ex. His perfect, annoying, stupid ex.”

“Lauren’s an honor student, she’s not stupid—oh, you were being sarcastic…yeah, sorry,” Margaux said. “Anyway, the only way to deal with this is to let Brendon see how it feels. Turn the tables so he can see what it’s like to be completely humiliated—”

She stopped when I glared at her. “Thanks. Makes me feel so much better,” I said.

“If there was any hope for you guys to have a relationship, then Brendon would have to make a clean break from Lauren for it to work—if you even had a relationship left. I mean, would you even want him back if he’s just going to keep running back to her? And now Lauren knows if you’re out of the picture, then she can have him.”

“True,” I said, and Kylie nodded.

“If you guys get back together, then you’ve got to let him know you won’t put up with it,” she said. “And you need to make him see he’s not the only guy in the world interested in you. Trust me.”

She was right. After all, I had felt like crap for days because of him, and he needed to see what it was like to be pushed aside. I had always been sort of worried about Lauren because of what had happened with John and Brittanie, but deep down, I thought Brendon and I had some deep connection. It felt like we were meant to be, and he wouldn’t want to run back to her, but I guess I was wrong.

The next few days were a blur. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about how crappy things always came in threes. My grandma’s stroke was one, and the breakup/dance thing was two, so what would the third thing be? I’d get attacked by rabid squirrels? Or maybe the escaped killer from the Samson prison would find me. Maybe I’d get run over or something. I just hoped it was quick and painless. Sure, I knew I needed to focus on positive stuff, but the only silver lining was how at least Brendon’s date with Lauren had taken my mind off my grandma’s condition for two seconds. How did people go on with their lives when crap happened to them? I wasn’t the only person in the universe who had bad stuff going on, so how did those people get out of bed in the morning? Because if it wasn’t for my school’s militant get-your-tush-to-class-or-fail policy, I would have stayed locked in my room and watched soaps all day. At least I had the field trip to take my mind off things.

On the day of the field trip, Mr. Horowitz had us spilt up into groups of five when we got to the museum and let us wander around. We were supposed to write down our feelings while we were there. Rory and Darren were in my group, and we went through the rooms and made fun of the exhibits. I had a sinus headache from the stupid weather, which couldn’t decide if it wanted to rain or not. I tried to hang back so I could be by myself, but Darren wouldn’t leave me alone. Normally, I thought he was cute and funny, but today he kept bumping into my shoulder, and it was irritating. I wanted to ask for some space, but I didn’t want to be mean, so I decided to sit down and start writing. I found a bench away from everybody else and started to work.

Instead of writing about the artwork and the people in the museum, I started writing about my grandma. I wrote about the time everyone in the family went to get a Christmas tree, and she and I stayed back and made Christmas cookies. I was getting into it when Darren sat down next to me.

“Whatcha writing?” he asked, nudging my leg.

I covered my pad with my hand and shrugged. I wasn’t ready to show it to anybody yet, so I said we should go join the group. As we walked out, I noticed he kept trying to get me alone. He had a way of muscling everybody out with his shoulder, and pretty soon he and I were the only two walking together.

We got back to school, and Darren walked with me to my locker. Before we had the fight, Brendon used to leave his physics book in there because it was closer to his class. I hadn’t run into him at the locker in a while, but today he was there getting his book. I could have sworn his book hadn’t been in there for a week, but maybe I hadn’t been paying attention. Out of nowhere, Darren started asking me how Grandma was doing.

“Do you want me to go to the hospital with you again?” Darren asked. I felt weird, since Darren was now acting like he was my boyfriend or something. After all, he had only gone to the hospital once, yet he was making it sound like it was a regular thing. But I didn’t want to get into it in front of Brendon, so I just shook my head. Then Darren put his arm around me and gave me an awkward hug before he walked off.

“Hospital? What’s going on?” Brendon asked.

“Grandma had another stroke. Darren gave me a ride to the hospital, which is how he knew about it.”

“Oh man, Em, you should have called me. I would have gone with you,” he said, putting his hand on my arm. “I had this feeling something was wrong, and I was going to call you, but—well, how is she?”

I shrugged. “It’s not good this time. I’m not sure she can come back from it.”

“Can I drive you home?”

“My mom is already on her way to pick me up.”

He walked me out and told my mom he was sorry to hear about Grandma.

“I’ll call you,” he said and gave me a hug before walking away.

“How come he didn’t know about Grandma?” my mother asked. I told her I didn’t feel like talking about it, but she wouldn’t let it go.

“It’s no big deal. We’ve just been having some issues since he bailed on coming to my reading,” I said, but left out the dance part.

“You owe him a second chance at least. You think your father goes to every event important to me? And think how many events of your dad’s I blow off? I’ve gotten out of reunions, company picnics—”

“Mom, can you please leave it alone? I don’t want to think about guys right now.” And I didn’t want my mom to know I was such a loser my boyfriend had moved on less than thirty-six hours after we split up.

I was so confused about my feelings for him. At times, I felt like we had this deep connection where he knew when I needed him and he understood me, but then I felt like he had let me down and didn’t care. I had enough to worry about with Grandma, and I didn’t want to let Brendon in again and then have him leave me, too. Besides, how could I be completely sure he even wanted a second chance? Just because he was nice to me at my locker didn’t mean he wanted to get back together.

We got to the hospital, and the doctor said Grandma was now in a semi-coma, but she didn’t “appear to be in any physical pain.” Why couldn’t doctors ever talk like normal people? Even the simplest things sounded clinical and cold coming out of their mouths. The doctor said Grandma had thrown up right before we arrived. Mom tried talking to Grandma, and she seemed to respond to her voice. Grandma would sigh or scrunch up her face when we’d ask her things. I was anxious, and after a while, mom took me to get a cup of tea.

“I know Grandma’s scared too, but I’m so uncomfortable in her room. And I get freaked out when she makes those noises,” I said, taking a sip of my tea. “Great, I just burned my tongue.”

My mother blew on her cappuccino. “I wasn’t going to tell you this, but yesterday, she rolled over, and I almost knocked a nurse down running out of the room. Honestly, I’m just not good in hospitals. I tried volunteering once at a hospital, and I passed out when I walked in a room where they were taking blood.”

I felt better knowing I wasn’t the only one getting weirded out. Mom said my Aunt Caroline and Uncle George were coming on Friday to see Grandma. She asked if I’d stay with Grandpa while they were at the hospital.

“By the way, Grandma said something last time I was here about a bracelet she wanted you to have. The pink and silver charm one you used to play with when you were little. I put it on your dresser,” she said. “Grandma said something about how you might need it. I don’t know exactly what she was trying to say because she was kind of out of it and slurring her words together.”

“It’s rose quartz,” I said. “And she’s right—I do need it now.”

“Why?”

I didn’t want to tell her rose quartz was considered the “heart healing” and love stone, and since my love life was in the toilet, it just might help. Instead, I just said I wanted something of Grandma’s to make me feel better. I wondered if Grandma somehow sensed I needed it or if it was a weird coincidence.

* * *

That night, Darren invited me to a party. I didn’t want to be around people, but he insisted.

“It’ll take your mind off things,” he said.

I said okay and wore Grandma’s bracelet. It became obvious the night was going to suck when we walked into the party and some guy stared at it and said, “What’s with the weird bracelet?”

“It’s my grandma’s.”

“Yeah, it looks like something an old lady would wear.”

I held back my urge to smack the guy and fought off tears. Darren introduced me to a bunch of people who I couldn’t have cared less about meeting. I had a quart of organic dairy-free mint chocolate swirl ice cream waiting for me at home, and I would have rather stayed home, watching TV and eating.

“You want me to get you some pizza?” he asked. I shrugged, and he brought back two lemon-lime sodas and a slice of pepperoni and sausage pizza. I wasn’t a huge fan of lemon-lime soda, but I kept drinking it to avoid talking to anyone, and hello, I didn’t eat meat. I picked off all the pepperoni and sausage and managed a bite of pizza. His friend, Greg, took a look at my plate and said there was cheese pizza in the kitchen. I said this was okay, but I could taste the sausage grease on my slice.

“Sorry, let me get you a different slice,” Darren said. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Unlike most guys, Darren actually stayed with me all night. Usually, guys walked in with you, and then went off with their friends while you sat there wondering what to do, but he made sure I was okay, and if I needed anything, he jumped up to get it.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “I was hoping this would take your mind off things, but I guess it would take a lot more than a party, huh?”

“Yeah, but thanks for bringing me,” I said.

“I just didn’t want you sitting home and worrying about your grandma. If I could do anything, you know I would, right?” he asked. He leaned forward like he was going to kiss me, but then he pulled away. On the way home, I tried to figure out why he pulled back. Was he afraid I wasn’t over Brendon? And did I want him to kiss me? Part of me was so hurt over Brendon and Lauren and didn’t want to date anyone, and part of me wished Darren hadn’t pulled away.

When I got home, Dad told me Brendon called, but I just wanted to slip into my sweatpants and curl up in bed with my ice cream. I had just gotten underneath the covers when the phone rang. It was Darren wanting to know if I had heard anything about Grandma.

“Nothing’s changed.” I didn’t feel like talking about it—it hurt too much, and I also wasn’t sure about my feelings for him. It didn’t seem right to have these heart-to-heart talks if he was going to think I was leading him on. I just wanted to get off the phone and think for a little bit.

“Oh, hold on, I’m getting another call.” I clicked over, and it was Brendon. Since he had called before and I had just spent the last two hours with Darren, I switched back and told Darren I had go.

“Who is it?” he asked.

“Kylie,” I said, not wanting to confuse him—or myself. “Thanks for taking me to the party. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” I switched back over to Brendon.

“How’s your grandma doing?” he asked.

“She’s in a semi-coma, and the doctors are running more tests.”

He offered to go with me to visit her, but I didn’t want him to have to go through it. Besides, he was just offering to be polite. Nobody in their right mind would want to sit in a hospital room—especially when someone in their family had also suffered a stroke. Who’d want to relive that?

“How are you dealing with everything?” he asked.

“Not well. I feel like I’m underwater half the time and super tired.”

“I’ll let you go so you can get some sleep,” he said. “Just wanted to know if there was anything I could do. So…let me know if you need anything, okay? Anything.”

The next morning my mother called the nurses’ station, and they said Grandma seemed more alert, but I had a bad feeling. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t shake it. My parents went to meet Aunt Caroline and Uncle George, and I stayed with Grandpa. The four of them were exhausted when they came home. Caroline was crying and holding Grandpa’s hand. He asked her what was wrong, and she didn’t answer. Later, Mom told me Dr. Anton didn’t think Grandma was going to improve, and they were going to move her to hospice care in a few days.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

Mom cleared her throat. “Well, it’s where people go when they’re not expected to improve.”

“Do they know for sure, or are they just giving up on her?” I asked as tears rolled down my face.

“She hasn’t come out of the semi-coma, and her latest scan showed there’s…well, a lot more damage from this latest stroke.”

My body felt ice cold. “But some people are in hospice for months, right? Margaux’s great-aunt is in hospice, and they went to a baseball game with her a couple weeks ago.”

“Emme, every case is different. I know it hurts, but we have to think of what’s best for her,” she said as she wiped her eyes.

“I don’t want to be selfish, but I just want her here,” I said.

“I know. Honey, I need to talk to you about how ‘out of it’ Grandpa has been lately. You know Aunt Caroline had called Grandma’s room on the day she had her stroke. Grandpa had picked up the phone, and he was confused.”

“What do you mean?”

“Grandpa said she couldn’t talk, and Caroline asked where she was, and he said, ‘On the floor,’ and Caroline said, ‘What do you mean on the floor?’ So she called the nurses’ station from her cell phone, and they came running.”

“But all you have to do to alert the nurses is hit the blue thingy on the phone, and they come right away. Why didn’t Caroline just have Grandpa call them?” I asked.

“Well, Caroline couldn’t believe Grandpa hadn’t done it himself,” she said. “When he didn’t react, she knew something was wrong. Grandma said he had been slipping lately, but I don’t think we realized it had gotten so bad. I was hoping him not asking about Grandma was about being in shock or denial, but it’s more serious, and it’s not going to get any better. Em, I don’t know what we’re going to do. We have to keep a closer eye on him, okay?”

I nodded.

That evening I went downstairs to get a glass of apple juice. Grandpa was getting ready for bed, and he came over to give me a kiss.

“Good night, sweetheart,” he said. “Now where do I sleep?”

“You’re sleeping in the guest room, remember?”

“Oh, right, right, right. The guest room.” He nodded.

I knew he didn’t remember where the room was, so I walked him to the place where he had slept every single time he had ever stayed at our house. He climbed into the bed, and I put the blanket over him.

“Where’s Mom sleeping?” he asked.

I didn’t feel like getting into it and upsetting him, so I said she was in the other room. He seemed satisfied with my answer, and I switched off the light. My parents were in the family room, and I sat next to my mom.

“What are we going to do?” I asked.

“About Grandpa?” she asked, and I nodded. “He’s going to stay here for a while, and then he’s going to stay with Aunt Caroline until we can find something more permanent.”

“Like a nursing home? Mom, the place Grandma was in made me want to kill myself. Plus, Grandma had a lot of issues with walking and needed around-the-clock care—for her it was a safety thing, but you can’t put him in there. We can take care of him.”

“Emme, it’s getting harder and harder the more confused he gets, and it might be best for him to be someplace where there are others more—”

“He’s not like those people. Some of them don’t even know where they are,” I said.

“Does he?” my dad asked.

“Yes, he just gets a little confused sometimes.”

“Em, he doesn’t even know what’s going on with your grandmother,” he said. “We need to take him back to the doctor because I think he has Alzheimer’s—”

“Clint, his doctor, said it’s hardening of the arteries, and it’s just gotten worse,” my mother said.

“Well, I think they’re wrong,” he said. “Let’s just take him in for a checkup anyway.”

“Fine.” My mother got up. “Good night.”