Brendon was waiting at my locker after school, and he asked me how things were going. Maybe it was because the moon was in Taurus, which was always a bad time for me, but something inside of me just let go.

“Like you care. You didn’t even take a minute before you started seeing someone right after we got into an argument, so excuse me if I don’t take you seriously when you ask how I am,” I said.

“Seriously? You didn’t return my calls. I tried.”

“That was you trying?”

“Oh please, I tried to talk to you again and again. I threw my dignity away, but I could never do anything right—”

“—I’m sorry you feel being genuinely sorry ruins your dignity. You never got it at all. You didn’t understand why I was mad. How was I supposed to be okay with you saying you’d go to a dance with another girl?” I said.

“I know exactly why you were mad, and I had no idea how to convince you I wasn’t with Lauren—” He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair. “I tried to make it up to you a million times, and you just wouldn’t let me. Emme, I can’t talk about this right now because I have a meeting. I have to go,” he said, walking away.

I had wanted him to turn around and tell me every day without me had been awful and to swear he’d never take me for granted, but he didn’t. Instead, I went to meet Kylie and Zach.

“Emme? Where were you? C’mon let’s go,” Kylie said. “Geez, what’s the matter with you?” she asked after I brushed past her.

“Nothing,” I said, and we walked out to the parking lot. She switched the radio on in the car and flipped through the stations. She stopped on a Sweetie Gals song. What were the chances I’d hear a four-year-old song that reminded me of Brendon today? I leaned across the seat and changed the station. She raised her eyebrow at me, but didn’t say anything. She didn’t speak to me until we got to my house.

“So what’s wrong? I’m sorry I was such a jerk before, but I’ve been PMS-ing today,” she said.

“Trust me, she’s yelled at everyone today,” Zach said.

“It’s okay. I was late because I ran into Brendon and he—ugh! I mean you realized you were rude and apologized, so why can’t he ever apologize? Why are guys so insensitive?”

“I thought he did apologize,” Kylie said.

“Only because I got mad at him,” I said. “He doesn’t even get why I’m still upset. He thinks he can just say ‘sorry,’ and I’ll forgive him because he’s cute.”

“Did he say it like, ‘oh well, sorry,’ and then expect you to just forget about it, or did he say it like he realized he had messed up and wanted to fix it?” she asked. “The dance thing—yeah, it’s major, but maybe he wasn’t thinking.”

“He claims he tried to make it up to me, and I wouldn’t let him. He said he wasn’t seeing Lauren, and he put it all back on me.”

“Wow, he wants you to know he’s not with Lauren? Sounds like he’s trying. But can I just say maybe he’s right because you do tend to get kinda defensive—see? You’re doing it now, Em. I make one tiny comment, and you give me that look,” she said.

“What look? I don’t have a look,” I said.

Kylie rolled her eyes. “The one where you look like you’re going to turn me into an ice cube. Would it be so bad to give him another chance?”

“He obviously doesn’t want another chance because he walked away from me in the library.”

“Maybe he was upset and needed to get away. You should call him,” she said.

“And let him hang up on me? He’s moved on with the Little Mermaid.”

“You don’t even know if he likes her. Call him or else you’ll wonder ‘what if’ forever,” she said.

I don’t know if it was because I had gotten another D on a math quiz and I felt the need to add to my crappy day or maybe it was because I heard yet another Sweetie Gals song on the radio and took it as a sign, but I called him at night. At first, I thought he didn’t recognize my voice on the phone because he had no emotion in his voice, but it didn’t change after I said, “It’s Emme.”

I realized it had been a mistake to call because I thought he’d do the talking, but he didn’t. We sat in silence, and I had no idea what to say because I didn’t know what he was feeling. I didn’t want to look desperate, like I was trying to get back together if he had moved on. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to him.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” I said. “And to say I was sorry I got an attitude with you earlier.”

“I’m fine…and you?” he asked.

“Okay. How are your classes?”

“Good. Yours? Just a minute.” He put the phone down, and I could hear him talking to someone and the TV on. Then I heard a girl’s voice. Here I thought there was half a chance he was home upset over me and instead he had a “friend” over. He came back on the line, and I told him I had to go. I hung up feeling worse. Sure, he didn’t hang up on me, but he didn’t sound thrilled to hear from me either.

Rory and I ate lunch together the next day. She told me she had been in love with Tom ever since the night of the writing competition. He still thought he was better than the rest of the class, and now he’d only work with her or Darren, the ones he considered the “serious writers,” if we had to work in groups.

“I know Tom comes off kind of jerky, but he’s sensitive and deep,” she said. “He said he liked the way I tipped the ends of my hair purple. Most people don’t even notice because my hair’s so dark.”

I nodded, even though I thought Tom was an arrogant poser. Most of the guys in the class were depressing, and I was sick of hearing all the poems on death. It was more like a therapy group than a writing class. One guy had written a poem about how it would feel to be dead, and a girl wrote a poem I thought was about birds, but Rory said it was actually about suicide.

“If I wanted to deal with death, I’d hang out at the hospice full-time. I go to class to get away from death talk, you know?” I said. “I thought it was supposed to be a fun class.”

“Yeah, fun for people who like to cut themselves,” she said. “So do you like Darren?”

“He’s sweet, but I suck at relationships. I have, like, trust issues, but I don’t even think it’s just me being paranoid because both times I was right. Anyway, I do like him, but I’m not sure if I want a boyfriend right now.”

“Plus, you still got a thing for Brendon,” she said.

* * *

Margaux and I went to have coffee the next day, and she asked me to go to Lauren’s party with her. I didn’t want to spend the evening hanging out in the house of some girl who was always trying to date my ex. Instead, I wanted to veg on the couch and watch To Catch a Thief on TV. Was Margaux trying to get me out of the house to cheer me up, or was she was too self-centered to realize I was going through a lot right now just because she didn’t want to go to the party alone?

“You don’t even talk to Lauren at school,” I said. “So why would you want to go to her house?”

“Puh-lease,” she said in her annoying baby voice. For some reason, she thought it made her look cute. “I’ll do your math homework for a week.”

“You don’t even do your own homework,” I said.

“Well, I was going to let you copy Tyrell’s when I was done with it,” she said. “Please go with me? You can see what Lauren’s like in her…crap, what’s the science term? Natural habitat? C’mon. Don’t you want to see what her house looks like?”

“Okay, but you totally owe me,” I said. “And we’re doing signals. If I want to leave, I’m going to say something about having to babysit early tomorrow morning, and then we leave, all right?”

She said her brother, Dominick, would give us a ride to the party, and then we could call him to pick us up. Rory walked into the coffee shop and sat next to me at the counter. She was in a bad mood because she had seen Tom walking with his on-and-off again girlfriend.

“I think I’m going to straighten my hair for Lauren’s party,” Margaux said.

“I’m going to it, too,” Rory said. “But only because Tom’s going.”

* * *

Dominick dropped us off at the party, and the second we walked into the living room, Margaux walked over to three junior guys and started flirting with the taller, blond guy. My house was nice, but Lauren’s house didn’t just beat it, it kicked its butt and took its wallet. My house was white with dark wood, but her house was warm shades of yellow and brown. It was also spacious. The kitchen opened into the family room and living room, and even the downstairs had one of those walkout apartment things, which meant Lauren had her own little part of the house with a family room and flat-screen TV. Rory and I met up downstairs and saw Lauren’s perfect, yellow bedroom, which had a sitting room with a huge chaise lounge. It was like something you’d see in a magazine.

“Can’t you just see some actress sitting on chaise lounge, posing with, like, her journal for In Style?” Rory asked.

“Would it be weird to look in her bathroom?” I asked, peering in.

“No, but don’t open any cabinets,” she said. “I read in this magazine how some girl opened up the medicine cabinet and the owners had put marbles and stuff in there so they’d know if anybody snooped.”

Crap. I had wanted to see what kind of makeup or, more importantly, shampoo Lauren used. It irritated me that even her hair was the opposite of mine. Her straight, dark hair always fell perfectly into place and stayed bouncy. Mine was never straight or curly—just wavy, and it was a weird shade of dark brown that got a red tint from all the minerals if I washed my hair in hard water.

“Look at her tub,” Rory said. “I love these claw-foot ones. Like something out of an old movie.”

I shrugged, but I was dying inside. She had the exact tub I had always wanted. Whenever I got stressed during an exam, I’d always go to my “happy place” in my mind, which was a claw-foot tub full of warm water and bubbles. Now my “happy place” had been invaded by Lauren and her tub of evil. I decided to take a chance and opened the cabinet under the sink. No shampoo, but I did find out her “natural look” got a little help from several makeup counters.

“Look at these pads,” Rory said, looking over my shoulder. “Aren’t those for people who wet themselves? Does Lauren pee in her pants at school? Dude, I will never be able to look her in the eye now, knowing that.”

“I dunno, she could have a medical condition,” I said.

Rory moved the package, and then I saw it, sitting in the little container that held her lipsticks and compacts. There was a plastic disk, which could only be one thing.

“Oh wow, Lauren’s on the pill?” Rory said, as my stomach felt like it was dropping fifty stories.

“Do you think that means…?”

“Probably just for cramps, you know, another medical condition,” she said, closing the cabinet.

Rory wouldn’t look at me as she stood up. Was this the reason Brendon was so quick to go back to Lauren? It was like John and Brittanie all over again.

“Crap, somebody’s coming,” Rory said, pulling the bathroom door shut. “If someone tries to come in here, we’ll just say we had to pee.”

“Together?” I whispered.

“We’re super close—now shut up.”

I stood at the door listening and realized Lauren was in the room with her best friend, Madison.

“So what’s going on with you and Brendon?” Madison asked.

“I dunno. He’s being weird,” Lauren said. “He calls me and stuff, but something’s off.”

“Is he still into that Emme chick?”

Lauren sighed. “I checked his phone the other night, and her number was on it. So I don’t know if he called her or if she called him, but it was definitely her. It was probably her calling him. She’s so pathetic. I wish he’d just get her out of his system. They have nothing in common, so I have no clue why he’s not over her.”

Rory put her hand over my mouth in case I was tempted to scream. We waited five minutes after we heard Madison and Lauren leave before we opened the door.

“So he’s not her boyfriend, and she’s aware you’re still ‘in his system,’” Rory said. I nodded, but the part about me being “pathetic” was echoing in my mind, and what I had seen in her bathroom was making me queasy.

We went upstairs just in time to see Lauren walk up and slide her hand up Brendon’s arm. Meanwhile, Tom was over in the corner with his girlfriend.

“Well, this is fun,” I said as I watched Brendon talk to Lauren. He started to walk away, and she pulled his arm back.

“I know. I want to go, too. I’m going to find Katia,” Rory said. “Come with me.” She started to head toward the hall when she noticed Brendon and Lauren in deep conversation. “Let’s try the kitchen.”

I tried motioning to Margaux I wanted to go, but she wouldn’t look in my direction, and I didn’t want to go up to her since Brendon and Lauren were over there. Rory came back and said Katia wanted to stay.

“Tom and his girlfriend are making out, and I just want to get out of here. Do you want to go to a movie or something?” she asked.

Margaux kept ignoring me, so I decided to leave without telling her. I was glad Rory had her car because I don’t think I could have stood one more minute of watching Lauren hang onto Brendon.

We went to the theater, which was filled with a bunch of little kids who were sticky from who knows what. The only movie not sold out was The Cutie Pies’ Big Adventure.

“I hate the Cutie Pies,” she said. “My little brother watches the show, and it makes me physically ill.”

“Well, we could walk the mall until the nine o’clock showing of the new Ally Patterson movie,” I said, and she groaned. “I know you hate Ally and mall walkers, but I’ll buy you some licorice at the candy store, and we can go to the bookstore.”

“Okay, but if I get run over by any strollers—”

“I’ll protect you,” I said.

We went to the candy store and stocked up on licorice ropes and gum for the movie. Then we had blueberry-peach smoothies and read magazines and tabloids until the movie started. I had completely forgotten about my problems until the grandfather in the movie was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I wanted to leave, but I didn’t want to have to go into why I wanted to with Rory. She just sat there, chewing her licorice. I finally lost it when the old man in the movie wandered away from the home and got hit by a car.

“Hey, do you mind if we go?” I asked.

“It’s almost over,” she said.

“I know, I just feel sick all of a sudden,” I said. I got up and walked out of the theater as Ally was asking the doctor about her grandfather’s condition. Rory followed me out of the theater and asked if I wanted to stop in the bathroom before we left. I assured her I wouldn’t puke in her car, and she took me home. My dad was sitting in the kitchen when I came in.

“How was the party?” he asked.

I shrugged. “We ended up going to a movie. Any news on Grandma?”

Dad shook his head. “We went up there, but nothing’s changed. I’m glad you went out tonight.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Your mom and I are concerned over how much time you’ve been spending in the hospital and at the hospice, along with watching Grandpa, too. I know you want to be there for your grandparents, but we worry it might not be healthy for you. Sometimes I forget how young you are to go through all of this. I was in college before I dealt with anything like this, and I know how it impacted me. You’re mature for your age, but you are still a kid—sorry, teen,” he said, smiling. “You have been so strong for everyone, and I don’t think your grandfather would be doing this well without you. Still, I don’t want to put too much on you.”

“I want to be there for them, and I feel like Grandpa is calmer if I’m there.”

“Yes, but I don’t want you to sacrifice your high school years either, including homework or going out with friends. Your mom and I realized we might have leaned on you a little too much, so just know we appreciate it, but you get to have a life, too.”

I nodded, and Dad gave me a hug.

“This is your way of saying it’s not going to be okay, isn’t it?” I asked.

He squeezed me tighter. “You can always read between the lines, can’t you?”

“Please don’t put Grandpa in a home. I don’t mind sacrificing going out if it means he can live with family.”

“Honey, we’re not there yet. No decisions have been made, but I appreciate your willingness to help. Not many teenagers would offer.”

Tears were running down my face now. “Promise you’ll—”

“I promise you we will consider every avenue possible and do what’s in his best interest, okay? Because it might come down to it that staying with us isn’t in his best interest.”

I wiped my eyes and nodded. Dad went to work in his office, and my cell phone rang. It was Margaux, wondering if I got home okay. I was still so emotional from my talk with Dad, and it showed.

“A lot you care. I could be dead in a ditch since you abandoned me,” I said.

“Someone said you left with Rory. Nice of you to tell me you were leaving. Seth took me home,” she said.

“Nice of me? Excuse me, who took off and left who now?”

“We just went to get some soda,” she said.

“For an hour? Which one’s Seth? The skinny one who looks like the chemistry teacher?” I said.

“He does not look like Mr. Carpenter. Anyway, he wanted me to meet his friends—”

“While I sat waiting like an idiot? I just—you knew I was anxious about going there in the first place, and I wish you could have been more sensitive and understood when I wanted to leave.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I’ll buy you lunch at the mall to make it up to you tomorrow,” she said.

Well, I would have gone anywhere to get away from my house and all my problems. Her brother came over to pick me up in the morning. Margaux and I went to Sami Boutique’s first, and we both found stuff to try on. I called her over to my dressing room to show her the dress I tried on. She came over with her cell phone.

“I’m leaving a message for Seth,” she said.

“Do you guys have plans later?” I asked.

“No, he just wanted me to check in,” she said, putting her phone away.

“For real?”

“He likes to know where I am,” she said, walking back to her dressing room. She was acting like they were a couple now, when they had just met last night.

“So you guys are going out now?” I asked, struggling to stuff myself into a pair of size seven jeans. Why did I always try to force the issue when I was actually a size nine?

“We’re just hanging out,” she said. She always used to complain guys only said “just hanging out” if they thought somebody better was going to come along. “Don’t you think he’s cute?”

I knew Margaux needed my approval because she couldn’t go out, or “hang out,” with anyone her friends didn’t find hot. I could have ended the whole relationship there with one “Eww,” but I said he was cute so I wouldn’t have to listen to “What’s wrong with him?” all afternoon. It was just easier to go along with what she wanted to hear.

I didn’t end up buying anything, but Margaux did buy me a lip gloss, so I knew she wanted me to forgive her. We decided to eat, and she mentioned she was craving pizza. I knew she was trying to get me to go to the cheap pizza place in the mall since she had offered to pay, but I wanted something healthier and said I had been dying for a salad from Hill’s. We got a booth and ordered iced teas and breadsticks while she checked out the menu. She told me she had invited Seth to go horseback riding tomorrow and asked if I wanted to come along.

“I could invite one of his friends to come, too,” she said.

“No thanks,” I said as the waitress came to take our order. “I get anxious around horses.”

“I wish you’d come. It won’t be any fun without you.” She was slipping into baby talk again. How did she flirt with guys if she drove me crazy with the baby voice? I wondered if Seth was deaf or something.

We finished eating, and I decided to ask Margaux what she thought about the whole pill thing I saw at Lauren’s house.

“I need to ask you about something—”

“Let’s go to the candy store,” Margaux said, grabbing my arm. “I need some gum.”

While I wanted to get her advice, Margaux just wanted to talk to the guys who were in the candy store, and, of course, they came right over and started talking to her. One of the guys, Steve, said he was a senior at a nearby school. He was a little shorter, had a mustache, and was one of those guys who actually wore their class rings. Not my type at all. She was giving him her cutesy voice, which was just a step away from her baby voice. He ended up buying us gum, which made me uncomfortable, but we were out of there before he had a chance to ask for any phone numbers. Margaux was all about getting a guy to ask for her number, but she rarely wanted to date the guys. She just wanted them to ask her out. It made me uncomfortable because these guys would go out of their way for her, and I wished she just let them know she wasn’t interested. We were walking to the makeup counter at the department store when I saw Brooke, Jayson’s girlfriend, walking with some guy.

“That’s Brendon’s brother’s girlfriend,” I said. “I wonder who she’s with.”

Margaux shrugged. “Probably just a friend. What do you think of this liner? Is it too plum? I want it to be plum, but not too plum, you know?”

I said the liner was fine, but my instincts told me Brooke was cheating on Jayson. She wasn’t holding the guy’s hand or anything, but I knew something wasn’t right.

We went to a few more stores, and I noticed Margaux kept checking her phone for texts when she thought I wasn’t paying attention.

“I thought you two didn’t have plans for tonight,” I said.

“Nothing planned.” She bit her lip. “I just thought he might want to do something tonight.”

I was planning to ask her if she wanted to come over later tonight, after I got home from visiting Grandma, but I didn’t feel like being second choice, so I said I needed to get home. Margaux called her brother to pick us up, and we waited in silence. She kept trying to start a conversation, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk. We used to have so much fun together, and now she was acting all stupid over a guy. Her cell phone rang, and she almost dropped it in her frenzy to answer. It was obvious it was Seth.

“Hmmm? Just a sec, Em, did you want to do something tonight?” she asked. I knew she’d freak out if I said “yes,” but at least she pretended to care.

“I have plans already,” I said. She was busy making plans when her brother pulled up. Normally she and I sat in back and had Dominick play chauffeur, but this time I got in front with him. Margaux was still talking to Seth, and Dominick asked if she was annoying me half as much as she was him. I nodded.

“I want to throw her stupid phone out the window,” he said. “Hey, do you guys want to stop and get some ice cream?”

Margaux had told me once before Dom liked me, which was why he didn’t mind driving us around. He was a nice guy, but it would be too weird to date my friend’s brother. I would have stopped to get ice cream, but Margaux said she had to get home to meet Seth, so Dominick dropped me off.

“Hey,” I said, coming into the kitchen where my mom was making a smoothie. “What time are we going to see Grandma?”

“I went earlier, and she was agitated.”

“She was conscious?”

Mom sighed and shook her head. “Like she’s been, but they gave her something to calm her. So we decided not to go back tonight. It’s what’s best for her, Emme.”

I wanted to ask questions, but my mom appeared so tired and older than I had ever seen her look. As she moved a strand of hair out of her face, I saw how lifeless her eyes were. As much as I wanted to talk about what was going on with her, I didn’t want to add another burden on her, so I went to my room to check my e-mail.

To: tryBus

From: Rsegwick

Hey! Are you doing anything tonight? I was thinking about going to a psychic fair and maybe seeing another movie or something. Interested? Call me when you get home because I’ve got some BIG news.

Rory

We made plans, and I got my dad to drop me off at her apartment. Rory was waiting in the hall when I got there.

“Do you want to do the psychic fair? I cleansed my chakras so I’d be open for a reading,” she said.

As we drove to the fair, she told me her big news. I thought it was about Tom, but Katia had called her this morning and told her Brendon and Lauren got into an argument after we left the party.

“Katia said she only heard part of it, but it was over you. Lauren wants you completely out of the picture, and Brendon’s obviously still into you,” she said. “Katia said Lauren was in her math class last year when they were dating, and she was always coming in late because of him. If he wrote her a note, she’d make a huge deal of reading it so that everybody could see, but they used to fight all the time,” she said. “Basically Katia said when they broke up last year it was because Brendon told Lauren she was too clingy, and he didn’t want a girlfriend right now. But then he started dating you, and Lauren was super annoyed.”

“I don’t know why she’s mad at me,” I said. “She’s the one he’s going to the dance with, and it’s not like he’s throwing himself at my feet.”

“He still checks up on you though, right?”

“Yeah, but I think he doesn’t want things to be weird between us, and he kind of knows what I’m going through, so it makes sense he’d check on how my grandma’s doing,” I said. “Trust me, I wanted to read more into it, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.”

We got to the fair, and there was a list of all the different types of readers who were there.

“I’m going to the woman who deals in karma and past-life stuff,” Rory said. “What about you? There’s guardian angels stuff, numerology, auras, past-life regressions, astrology—anything sound good to you?”

I decided to go for a reading with a woman who seemed like a younger version of my grandma. She handed me her tarot cards and told me to think about my question while I shuffled them. Even though I had a million things I wanted to know about my future, the first image that popped into my mind was Brendon, so I thought about our relationship as I shuffled.

“I’m going to do a past, present, and future reading first,” she said as she pulled out a card. The Death card came up first. Great, I ask for guidance on my relationship, and I get the death card. Lovely.

“This means your thoughts and beliefs will change as you let go of old habits. You might question what you’re doing, but there are new opportunities on the horizon, so you must move forward and let go of the past. Open yourself up to what the future can bring you,” she said. I wondered if it meant I had to let go of my relationship with Brendon or all my feelings about relationships.

“The present card is the Lovers card, which means a relationship has recently come into your life or you need to make a decision regarding love soon. Your intuition is going to be strong now, and you will be using your heart rather than your head to make decisions. There’s a strong emotional attachment toward someone,” she said as she flipped over the next card. “Your outcome card is the Universe, which means you must focus on changing something in your life in order to succeed. This card is about having confidence and success.”

I didn’t say anything, and she continued. “It’s all telling you that you need to let go of old negative habits and be willing to change and open yourself up. If you do it, then success is imminent. But I don’t need the cards to tell there’s something on your mind, so let’s try this. Pick a few cards from the deck.” She put the cards face down as I picked a couple.

“Okay, King of Cups reversed,” she said, nodding. “This means there are some questionable dealings in your life right now. Also loss, suffering, sickness. It also represents a man who cares only for his personal welfare. There is deceitfulness around you.”

All I could think of was a cartoon character running around saying, “There’s treachery afoot.” Of course, it was cute when a cartoon toddler said it, but not so cute when someone was telling you how someone was trying to deceive you.

“The next one you picked was the Tower. Right now, soul searching will save you a lot of trouble. If you don’t listen to what your intuition is trying to tell you, then you might as well prepare for the worst. We all need to forget our ideas on how things should turn out because there are bound to be surprises, and I’m getting you’ll definitely have an unexpected revelation soon, but I’m sensing it’ll be positive—if you open yourself up to it.”

The next card dealt with the stereotype of the broken-hearted lover, and she said I was to ignore the stereotype because it was all about holding onto the past and not moving forward. She said I wasn’t missing what was in the past, but it was an excuse to avoid new relationships.

“Wait, I’m confused. Does this mean I don’t want my old relationship back?” I asked.

“Do you think you were over-romanticizing it?” she asked. I shook my head. “Maybe the past you need to let go of isn’t the relationship itself, but the events which led up to the relationship going sour.”

She flipped over my next card. “The Nine of Wands is warning you about looking for trouble. How much of the fears are based on the pain of the past? You need to see each situation for what it is and not apply things from other areas to it. If there is trouble, then you’ll be able to rise to the challenge. You’re prepared for whatever comes your way. Don’t use all your energy into protecting yourself because you can’t experience life this way.”

The next card she flipped over was the Ace of Cups, which was about love. She told me the card’s appearance “proclaimed a time of great connectedness,” and the walls I had built up were coming down. I didn’t say anything, and she told me to pick another card.

“The Four of Swords represents recuperation, healing, and leaving a stressful situation behind in order to clear your head and reevaluate your plans.”

Well, it certainly fit with all I had been going through at home.

“Do some soul searching to gain direction. This card is telling you to trust love and don’t let fear keep you away,” she said.

Rory came over to me when my reading was over. “My reader practically said Tom and I were soul mates,” she said. “Of course, she did say my soul mate could be like my grandpa or my hamster or whatever, but she did say I had met my soul mate already and it had male energy. It’s gotta be Tom. I don’t even own a hamster.”

Rory decided to get an aura reading, and I went to an intuitive reader, Layla, who also worked in picking out crystals for you.

“I’m sensing three cords around you. One you need to let go of because it’s tethering you to someone who needs to be released. It might be a loved one who is ill, and you’re worried they might die.” I didn’t say anything, but I could tell I didn’t need to because she put her hand over mine. “It’s okay to let go for both your sakes, but only do what is comfortable for you. There’s another cord, and I feel someone is almost suffocating you. You need to cut this one for certain. There’s another one holding you to a person, but I don’t feel any negative energy behind this. I just feel there’s something holding you two together, but it’s more on his end,” she said. “He wants to stay connected.”

I wondered if it was either Brendon or Darren. She noticed my bracelet and asked if I knew about the healing powers of rose quartz. I told her Grandma had given it to me and asked her what else would help Grandma’s condition and my situation with Brendon and Darren.

“Well, for your grandmother, pink calcite helps us release old fears and is good for grief and unconditional love. You said you gave her lapis, which is also good for strokes and bringing emotional baggage to the surface,” she said. “Your bracelet is also for relationship stress and comfort when you feel sad. Peridot’s good for grief, too.”

“What about like dementia? My grandpa—it’s not Alzheimer’s, but—” My voice broke.

“My father had Alzheimer’s,” she said. “Agate is good for it and so is rose quartz. It looks like your grandma knew what she was doing when she gave you the bracelet. Here, I’m going to give you an agate and a polished rose quartz you can put in your grandfather’s room.”

I asked her how much I owed her for the crystals, and she said shook her head. “I’ve had to deal with dementia and Alzheimer’s before, so this is my little way of helping. What we put out, we get back.”

Thanking her, I got up to look for Rory. I had an unsettled feeling about everything. It felt like the readings brought up more drama than I expected and made me feel sick. This fair was supposed to give me peace and answers—wasn’t that the whole reason people got into stuff like this? Enlightenment and peace? Instead I felt anxious and uncomfortable with knowing too much was coming around the corner. As I went searching for Rory, I saw a woman sitting at a table with the banner Life Coaching with Cheryl, and it was only ten dollars for a session. Well, what did I have to lose?

“Hi, I want a session or whatever. I’m not real sure what a life coach does, but I felt like this was where I needed to be,” I said, sitting down.

Smiling, she asked me to share what was troubling me. This was different, seeing as the rest of the people at this fair had told me what my problems were.

“Where to start? Well, my relationship is in the toilet, my grandmother is in a semi-coma and no one seems to think she’ll recover, my grandpa apparently has dementia, and I’m losing it,” I said.

“So a lot on your plate right now,” she said.

“I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, and every time I think I know, I do something stupid.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I want to get back with my boyfriend, but it seems like every time we’re around each other and things are going well, we suddenly get into an argument.”

“Does he seem to start it or you?” she asked.

“I guess I do, but it’s in reaction to things he’s done.”

“Do you think it’s unresolved feelings coming to the surface or self-sabotage?”

“Why would I sabotage something I want, though?”

“Do you have any reason to fear getting close to him? A fear of intimacy or perhaps mistrust?”

I swallowed hard. “Well, my last boyfriend did cheat on me, and with this new guy—well, I’m uncomfortable with the way his ex is around him so much, and honestly, it’s like every other girl seems to flirt with him.”

“Okay, but does he give you any reason to not trust him? Does he encourage these other girls and is anything shady going on you know of?” she asked.

Shifting in my seat, I had to admit Brendon hadn’t done anything outright.

“I guess not. Maybe my ex is making me question everything, and well, I feel like I’m numb over this whole thing with my grandma. I’m not sure if I’m in denial or what, but it’s like I feel torn between going to see her and staying with my grandpa, who is confused all the time now.”

“Dementia is difficult,” Cheryl said. “I had two grandfathers with it and a great-aunt. It is a game changer for a family.”

“Does it ever get better? The dementia, I mean,” I asked.

She patted my hand. “Not health-wise, but you learn to love them a little deeper. You see them vulnerable, and for some people it can change the relationship in a good way. I can tell you care a lot about your grandfather, and it will strengthen your bond. With my grandfather, I became the caregiver as I watched him when I came home from school so my mom could go out and do her cleaning jobs at night. Grandpa and I got closer, and although it hurt he sometimes called me by his sister’s name, I knew deep down he loved me. And there was this innocence to him which made me want to be there for him and help him feel less confused.”

“I get it,” I said as my eyes watered.

“This might sound strange, but I get the feeling you’re blocking your own intuition and common sense and relying on things like New Age things and crystals to make decisions for you.”

My back straightened. “What do you mean?”

“Intuition can be a gift or something negative, depending on how you use it and where it’s coming from. All of the tarot cards, aura readings, etcetera—it shows a lack of faith in the future. I’m not trying to knock what others are doing here, but my purpose is to try to get people on the right track and not just buying yet another crystal to try to solve a problem which talking things out would help.”

I tried to move my left arm, which had a stack of crystal bracelets on it, out of her sight.

She laughed. “You can wear your bracelets as long as you don’t rely on them to give you superpowers. I used to be so into numerology and wouldn’t make a move unless my horoscope said it was okay. Now I come to these events to try and help others who were like me and afraid to make their own decisions. Sometimes I find someone who realizes their chakras didn’t need to be opened, but their emotions did. I did turn to New Age stuff when things weren’t going right in my own life, and it did way more harm than good. It’s dangerous to open your mind to occult things, so I come here to try to help people sort their own stuff out.”

“I think that’s what I’ve been doing,” I said. “It seemed more reliable to add up numbers than to…I dunno…”

“Trust your own reasoning and instincts?”

“But lately it feels like they’re always wrong,” I said. “And right now I can’t get hurt by another guy—especially with everything else going on in my life.”

She nodded. “So often people go to get their cards read because they’re running from something, and they want someone else to be responsible for making the next decision. But it’s okay to make a wrong decision because it’s how you grow as a person. What you’re going through now with your grandparents is uncertain and scary, and I want you to know anyone in your position would be scared, so it’s okay to admit. And after what you went through with your first boyfriend, it makes sense you’d have trust issues, but you should stop and look at this new guy and not put any of the old guy’s stuff on him.”

“Makes sense. Numerology-wise we do fit, and I thought I was getting signs about us, too.”

“Do you think you’re relying on those things instead of your own feelings because you don’t trust yourself?” she asked.

My stomach did a flip, and I knew she was right.

“Sometimes it feels like my intuition doesn’t work when it comes to this kind of stuff—like I’m too close to the situation. I can sooner pick basketball game winners than I can a decent boyfriend,” I said.

“Take a step back and just look at the facts and look at who these boys show you they are—not what their birthdates show you, but what they reveal to you through their actions.”

“Makes more sense than what I’ve been doing.”

“I’m not telling you to take off your bracelets, I’m just saying rely on your own good judgment instead of a card or a horoscope, okay? New Age stuff often tells you what you want to hear, and it’s not a healthy way to live.”

“This was so not what I expected, but exactly what I needed,” I said.

Cheryl got up and hugged me. “You remind me so much of me when I was your age. Someone set me on the right path, and now this what I do in trying to make up for all the tables of people promising to change your life with a chakra cleansing. I know these people mean well, but sometimes it’s easier to put a bandage on something, rather than fix it from the inside. When people are lost, they need more than a crystal or reading, and some of this stuff can be dangerous.”

“Thank you,” I said, and Cheryl squeezed my hand and gave me her card.

Rory was waiting for me and showed me her aura picture. “Did you learn anything interesting?” she asked.

“Definitely.”

“Ooh, you got some crystals,” she said.

“One of the readers gave me some for my grandpa.”

“You mean your grandma?”

“Well, he’s going through a lot right now, too,” I said. My parents had been so secretive about Grandpa’s condition and not wanting anyone other than my aunt and uncle to know. It made it seem like it was something to be embarrassed about, even though it wasn’t. I mean, maybe Grandpa wouldn’t want the whole world knowing he couldn’t remember his wife was in the hospital, but it was nothing to be ashamed of.

“He has dementia,” I said.

“I didn’t know. My great-grandma had it, too. Is this why you wanted to leave the movie the other day?” she asked. “You should have said something. The movie brought back some stuff for me, too. I wish you had told me because I was getting a little upset during it. I didn’t want to look like a dork crying, so I just kept stuffing food in my face.”

“This time let’s go see a comedy,” I said.

She drove us to the theater, and as soon as we walked in, she asked me, “You wanna just forget the movie and go get coffee or something?”

“Why?”

“Okay, fine, Brendon’s here and I didn’t want you to freak out in case he’s with Lauren,” she said. “I’m pretty convinced he’s into you, but if I could read guys, then Tom wouldn’t still be with his loser.”

I just saw the back of his head as he walked into the theater. He was with a group of people, but I couldn’t tell if Lauren was there. We sat in the back, and I stared at the backs of heads, trying to figure out which one was Brendon. I finally picked him out and realized he was sitting next to Lauren, and I spent the whole movie watching the two of them. My hopes went down the toilet. I wished I had never heard Lauren was jealous of me because it just got my hopes up, and in the end it didn’t matter. She was with him and I wasn’t.

When I got home, I saw I had an e-mail from Darren, asking me to call him.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked.

“Do you want to go to homecoming with me? I mean, we could just go and make fun of people.”

“Seriously? I’d love to. It’ll be fun.”

I called Kylie the second I got off the phone, but I got her voice mail, so I called Margaux.

“Cool. We’ll all go together,” she said. “Seth, Kylie, Zach, and I are all getting a car together, so you can ride with us. Oh, and Kylie and I are getting our hair done together before the dance, so I’ll call and see if they can fit you in, too.”

When school started, I pictured myself going to homecoming with Brendon, but going with Darren would be fun, and after all, he was always there for me when I needed him.