Grandma was still in a semi-coma the next day. The nurse came in, and I told him she had squeezed my hand.

“Probably just a reflex. I wouldn’t read too much into it,” he said.

“But the morning nurse thought she seemed more alert.”

“Mara is young. I don’t want to give you false hope,” he said as he walked out the door. I made a face at my mother.

“He’s a disciple of doom. He should not be around sick people,” I said. “Grandma could get up and salsa dance, and he’d say it was a reflex and oh, don’t read too much into it.”

My mom cleared her throat. “He doesn’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“Whatever. How can Grandma get well with someone like him around? Kylie says your attitude has a lot to do with your recovery, and he’s just a big, stupid—”

“Yeah, well, your dad’s not much better these days,” she said.

Dr. Anton came in, and I got up and asked if we could talk in the hall. My mom followed me. I didn’t want to talk in front of Grandma in case she could hear us because I only wanted her to hear positive things.

“They’re moving her to hospice tomorrow,” Dr. Anton said.

“So you don’t think there’s any chance she’ll recover?” I asked.

“Not unless she wakes up, and even then, as you know, the test results showed she wouldn’t have her sight, and she probably wouldn’t be able to speak either,” Dr. Anton said.

“What?” I stared at my mother, and when she nodded, I realized she already knew. “Mom, why didn’t you tell me?”

“We didn’t think she’d come out of the coma and didn’t see the need to upset you,” she said.

“So what are they going to do for her at hospice?” I asked. “She can’t feed herself, so what do you do then? A feeding tube or something?”

“Her living will allowed for the tube, but it said nothing extraordinary, so there will be no ventilators if she should require one,” Dr. Anton said. “There’s nothing more we can do. Now we just want to make her comfortable.”

“Emme, Grandma would be terrified if she woke up and she couldn’t speak or see,” Mom said. “And the doctors don’t think she’s going to wake up at all.”

“But she’s trying. She’s been making noises and squeezing my hand like this,” I grabbed Dr. Anton’s hand, which made her jump.

“I know it seems like she could wake up, but she’s not going to. This time the damage was too severe,” Dr. Anton said.

“You’re all giving up on her, but she’s strong. She’s going to wake up. I know she will.” I was crying, and my nose was running.

I wiped my face and tried to get calm before I went back into the room. After all, I didn’t want Grandma to know how bad things were. If she didn’t open her eyes, they were going to send her someplace where she’d fade away and not even have a chance to get better. I walked over to the bed.

“Grandma, if you’re ever going to wake up, you’ve got to do it now,” I said.

She shifted slightly, but didn’t open her eyes. Aunt Caroline came in, and I could tell she and my mom wanted to be alone with Grandma, so I went to the cafeteria. I bought a bottle of water and sat in a booth by myself. Looking across the room, I saw a girl sitting by herself. She was obviously upset, and I wondered if I should go over and say something to her, but I figured she’d probably tell me to mind my own business. It was a good thing I didn’t go over there because a guy came in and sat with her. He moved to her side of the booth and put his arm around her. I wished somebody was here with me. I could have asked Kylie to come with me to the hospital, but I knew she’d be uncomfortable. Darren had asked if I wanted him to come with me, but I said no because it would have been weird for me. Brendon knew how much hospitals weirded me out, but I couldn’t ask him to come with me. Part of me wished somehow he knew I needed him to be here, and he’d just show up. I even daydreamed about it, but he obviously wasn’t reading my mind.

Mom and Aunt Caroline had each other to confide in, and I had no one but Grandpa. Lately it felt like he didn’t even know where he was half the time. It wasn’t like my mom and I didn’t get along, but we weren’t super close the way some girls were with their moms. Even as I kid, I was never running up to her getting hugs like the rest of the kids on the playground because she wasn’t that type of mom. I knew she liked to think of herself as being a “cool mom,” but sometimes I just needed somebody to make me hot chocolate and sit with me while I cried. She was a great mom, but she was never going to be that person. Grandma was the one I went to when I needed to talk things out and be my shoulder to cry on. Right now I needed someone for a heart-to-heart more than ever, and I didn’t know who I could turn to.

I tried talking to Kylie early on when my grandma first got sick, but Kylie’s own grandmother wasn’t doing well, and I could tell this whole thing freaked her out. Margaux wasn’t exactly a sympathetic shoulder because you didn’t know what she might say, and I hadn’t known Rory long enough to unload on her. I had friends, but I didn’t have anybody who I could have a deep conversation with. This was the sort of thing I would have been able to talk to Brendon about, but there was no way I could call him now. I just wished I didn’t feel so alone.

Darren called me when I got home. He was concerned about Grandma and asked me all sorts of questions. He asked how I was holding up, and I said I was tired.

“Em, I just want you to know I’m here for you, okay? Do you want me to go with you to the hospital tomorrow?” he asked.

“No, but thanks,” I said. It was nice to have him offer, but I didn’t feel like I could open up to him about all this just yet. I got out my math book and tried to start my homework, but I couldn’t concentrate. I checked my cell phone to see if I had any new messages and saw Brendon’s number. Crap, the one person I would have wanted to talk to, but he didn’t leave a message, and I felt weird calling him back. What would I even say? “Saw your number and wondered what you wanted?” No, I’d wait and see if he messaged or called me again.

Brendon e-mailed me on Tuesday, but it was just a reminder about some stupid student council thing. I kind of wished he had put a “hello” or even a “you suck” in it. At least then it would be more personal. I was glad I hadn’t called him back after seeing his number on my phone because I would have felt stupid if he was just calling about the fundraiser. Then I noticed the e-mail wasn’t a forwarded one, which was weird, but maybe I was just hoping he had only e-mailed me about the fundraiser.

Later, I was walking to my locker after class when I saw Lauren walking with Brendon. She was holding onto his arm, and they appeared like the perfect couple. They both had the same dark hair, and they both had green golf shirts on. It was so cutesy it made me want to throw up. Lauren stood on her toes to whisper something in his ear. He put his arm around her and leaned over to hear her. There was a time when I had let Darren put his arm around me because I wanted Brendon to think there was something between Darren and me to make him jealous. Now watching him do it was making me ill. Margaux kept telling me I only wanted to get back with Brendon because I was jealous Lauren and the redhead were interested in him.

I watched Brendon walk to Lauren’s locker. Apparently, he had been keeping some of his books in her locker since he and I weren’t together anymore. I tried not to let it bother me, and I focused on putting my stuff in my bag. Just as I shut my locker, I saw Lauren stop almost in front of me, and she reached up and kissed him on the cheek. The worst part was she had done it right in front of me, and I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t seen it. He seemed surprised, but probably because I was standing there. I went straight down the hall and into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall.

I was late to creative writing, but Mr. Horowitz was late, too, and I scooted in right before he came through the door. Rory leaned over and whispered that Brendon had been waiting outside the room when she got to the class. I passed her a note asking if he was looking for me. She nodded. Mr. Horowitz told us to get into groups, and Darren moved his desk around to face Rory and me. We were exchanging papers when Mr. Horowitz called Darren over.

“Did Brendon say anything to you?” I asked Rory as soon as Darren was out of earshot.

“He wanted me to tell you he was looking for you. What’s going on with you guys anyway?” she said.

Darren came back to his seat then and said he was going to have one of his stories published in the school’s literary magazine. I was excited for him, but a little jealous, too. His work was exactly the sort of serious stuff the editors of the Litzine liked. My writing didn’t have the edge Darren’s did, but I thought it was good, even if my classmates didn’t throw praise my way. After class, I took my time packing up in case Brendon might show up again. Darren kept telling me to hurry up, but I told him I had to go to the library and he didn’t need to wait for me. I hoped Brendon would tell me Lauren was trying to make me jealous, and he didn’t want me to misunderstand, but he didn’t come back to the room.

I went to the library and went to the computer to look up books on To Kill a Mockingbird for my paper. I wrote the call numbers down and went to look for my books. I went around the corner and saw Brendon talking to the redheaded girl, which was weird since he should have been in class. I didn’t want them to see me lurking in the shadows like a freak, but the books I needed were down the same aisle, so I stood behind a bookshelf and waited for them to leave. From where I was standing, I couldn’t hear their conversation, but I did see her link her arm through his. They left the aisle, and I got my stuff. I was heading to a study room when I walked right into Brendon and dropped everything. How suave.

“Hey,” he said, leaning down to pick up my stuff.

“Hi.” I tried not to look at him because I was sure he would be able to see how upset I was just by looking at my face. He brushed my hand as he picked up one of the books, and all my emotions rose in my chest. I felt like I could just let go and pass out.

“Thanks.”

“Is everything okay? I tried to call you last week. I had this weird feeling—I dunno, anyway, are you okay?” he asked, putting his hand on top of mine.

“Brendon, c’mon, we’re going to be late,” the redhead said, coming around the corner. I jumped to my feet and walked away with my face burning. I thought he seemed sort of sad, but maybe I just wanted him to look depressed. It upset me so much, I ended up blurting the whole thing out to Darren on the phone.

“Emme, guys are different,” he said. “We don’t wait around to see if the girl still likes us. If we say we’re sorry, and she doesn’t accept it, then we deal with it and move on. And it sounds like he’s definitely moved on since he has two girls hanging all over him.”

“So you wouldn’t wait around?” I asked.

“Well, I would, but guys like Brendon don’t,” he said.

What did he mean? Because Brendon was good-looking and had a little money, it meant he didn’t have to have to follow the same decency codes as the less attractive guys? Were there different rules for hot guys?

My stomach hurt as I got into bed that night. My face felt hot like I had been crying, but I was too numb to cry. Darren was right. Brendon had moved on, and I was stupid for thinking he still felt anything for me—if he ever did. I just couldn’t believe he could get over me so easily. Could I have meant so little to him? It had taken me months to get over John, and I hadn’t even been in love with him. Of course, part of the reason it took me so long to get over John was the betrayal and the fact I had to keep seeing him and his ex around school, which made me cry for weeks. But maybe I wasn’t in love with Brendon, either. Maybe my feelings were hurt, and I’d get over it just like I did with John—the stupid spiky-haired jerk who only got back with his ex because she’d sleep with him and I wouldn’t. I wonder if Brittanie regretted it because he ended up dumping her for another girl.

I asked Margaux the next day if she had heard if Brendon was dating either Lauren or the redheaded girl who I now called “the Little Mermaid.” She hadn’t heard anything, but said Lauren was definitely into him. All she knew about the redheaded girl was her name was Nicola, and she used to do fashion shows at the mall. Fabulous. Margaux tried to make me feel better by saying one of her new boyfriend’s friends thought I was cute. Unfortunately, it was the one who had a collage of half-naked girls in his locker. Lucky me.

My day only got worse when I found out I was making a D+ in geometry. My teacher suggested I stay after school in the math lab for help. Tyrell came over and sat in the desk next to me.

“How did you do on the last quiz?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes. “I would have done better if I had handed it in blank,” I said. “I thought you were a math whiz, though.”

He laughed. “I just need to make up a quiz because I was gone all last week.”

I had been so wrapped up in my own junk I hadn’t even noticed he hadn’t been in class. I asked what happened, and he said he hurt his shoulder playing football and had surgery on it.

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

He was telling me about the operation when our teacher came over to work with us. Afterwards, my parents came to pick me up, and I asked Tyrell if he needed a ride. He shook his head, and I walked to the car. Grandpa was sitting in the back, and my mom was in the front seat with my dad.

“Sorry we’re late. Grandpa’s appointment ran over,” Mom said.

“How did it go?” I asked.

Dad sighed. “The doctor still says it’s senile dementia and hardening of the arteries, but I still think he has Alz—”

“Clint, I think the doctor is a better judge than you are,” Mom said. “Anyway, the doctor explained Alzheimer’s is when a person does irrational things like frying your purse on the stove, and he doesn’t do things like that. He just has problems with his short-term memory.”

Grandpa just sat there, looking out the window. I asked if there was any medicine he could take, and my mother shook her head. It didn’t take any intuition to tell that she and my dad had been arguing before I got in the car. We went home, and my mom went into the bathroom and slammed the door. Grandpa stood in the doorway like he didn’t know where to go. He was just waiting. My phone rang, and I led Grandpa to the living room.

“Grandpa, I have to get this call, but go sit down, and I’ll bring you a snack, okay?”

It was Darren, wanting to make sure I was okay. I thought it was sweet of him to call, and I told him I had to go do something for my grandpa, but I’d e-mail him later. I went to the living room, and Grandpa was still sitting there, wearing his hat and coat. It made me sad he hadn’t bothered to take them off, so I hung up his stuff and poured him a glass of fruit juice. Then I cut up some carrots and celery for him to eat. I decided to bring my laptop downstairs so I could be with Grandpa as I did my homework, seeing as my parents had both disappeared as soon as they walked into the house. Grandpa didn’t say anything as he ate, and I wondered if he realized anything was wrong.

“When’s Mom going to make dinner? I don’t want to get too full for supper,” he asked. I knew he meant my grandma when he said “Mom,” but I pretended he was referring to my mother.

“You mean Gabrielle? She’s going to heat up the spaghetti from last night,” I said.

“Oh, Gabrielle’s cooking then,” he said. “Why not Mom?”

“Because she had a stroke, remember?” I asked.

“Oh, right. I just forgot for a minute,” he said.

Mom and I went to the hospice after dinner. Grandma’s hospice room was pale green, and it had an ethereal feel to it. It felt like I could close my eyes and be transported. I didn’t know how Grandma could ever get better in a place which made me feel like death was coming for me. I was afraid of the way she was in the hospital with all the tubes stuck in her, but now there was something so scary about the way she seemed in a trance deeper than sleep. As much as I wanted to give her a kiss, I just couldn’t do it. Her skin had a waxy look, and I was terrified to touch her other than to hold her hand.

Mom came back in the room and said we should get going. She went over to the bed and leaned down to kiss Grandma, so I went on the other side and leaned over too, but I pretended to kiss her because I couldn’t do it. My heart felt heavy as I was walking out of the room, and I realized I would always regret it if I didn’t give Grandma a kiss while she was still alive. Saying a prayer for strength, I ran back and gave her a kiss.