I woke up early on the day of the funeral, and I didn’t know what to wear, but Mom let me borrow her red cashmere sweater.

“Can I wear red to a funeral? They always show everybody in black in the movies.”

“You can wear anything you want, and Grandma always liked you in red. She always used to buy you red sweaters for school picture day. Every time I walked in her hallway, it would make me smile how all your school photos were in red,” she said. “It’s fitting you wear red.”

I heard two Sweetie Gals songs on the way to the church.

“Hey Emme,” Kylie said, coming over to hug me.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” I said. “Sorry I haven’t called you back. I’ve been so out of it.”

“I know, and it’s a half-day anyway, so my mom let me cut out early so I could be here,” she said. She told me everybody missed me at school, and she said Darren kept asking about me.

“Margaux is coming, and Rory said she’ll call you tonight. Oh, Tyrell gave me a sympathy card to give you,” she said, digging in her purse. “He said he’ll help you with the math stuff when you get back, too.”

“Tyrell is so thoughtful. You know, Brendon’s supposed to come today,” I said.

“Are you sure?” she asked. “The student council’s supposed to have a mandatory meeting after school because it’s a half-day. I guess he’s going to miss it for you.”

He probably forgot about the meeting when he said he’d come.

My mom and Caroline were worrying about whether there would be enough food for everyone at the luncheon after the service. We stood in the hall of the church and greeted everyone as they came inside. Margaux walked up, clutching Seth’s arm. She was always hanging on him trying to show what a close couple they were. Meanwhile, he always seemed like he wanted to escape. I had to admit I was impressed he had agreed to come to a funeral with her. She must have told him about the luncheon afterward. I was still looking for Brendon when Caroline touched my arm and told me it was time to go inside.

My mom and Caroline walked in first with Grandpa, and then my dad, Uncle George, and I followed behind them. I sat next to my dad and Grandpa in the first bench. Grandpa got emotional, so I spent the service comforting him.

Father Jerzy ended the service, and the choir began singing “How Great Thou Art.” The family was supposed to leave first, so I followed my dad out of the pew. Kylie waved to me as we walked down the aisle, and I noticed my cousins, Tara and Rodney, hadn’t come to the funeral. I helped Grandpa down the steps to the church basement where the luncheon was being held. The tables were all set up, and Grandpa wanted to sit down. Kylie and Margaux stood in the doorway until I motioned them over. They didn’t know what to say to Grandpa.

“Thank you girls for coming,” he said. “Emme, you should go and sit with your friends. I’ll go sit with Aldeans.”

“This might be super inappropriate and all, but who is the hot guy with the highlighted hair?” Margaux asked as Grandpa went over to sit with his nephews.

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I asked.

“Yeah, but Seth’s in the bathroom,” she said. “I’m free to look as long as I don’t do it in front of him.”

“The one in the navy suit? I know he’s my cousin, but I don’t see this side of the family very often. I’m guessing either Fredrick or Austin,” I said.

“How old is he?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I think they’re both still in high school. Um, Seth is on his way over here,” I said.

“Margaux, only you would try to pick someone up at a funeral,” Kylie said. “Next time, don’t bring a date.”

I could tell Margaux was wishing she hadn’t brought Seth. Mom walked by and told us to wait until everyone else had gone in the food line.

“We weren’t expecting this many people to come, but Theresa’s whole family came, and she has twenty grandkids,” Mom said. She handed me some money. “If they run out of food you can run to the fast food place next door.”

Father Jerzy came over and gave me a hug. “Why aren’t you guys in line for lunch?” he asked. “Aren’t you hungry? We’ve got lots of good food.”

I explained my mother’s worries about there not being enough food for everyone. He shook his head.

“The women who cook for these events always make extra so everybody can have seconds or even thirds. Go help yourselves,” Father said. “Just save me a cupcake—chocolate, not vanilla.”

We got in line and piled our paper plates high with potatoes, pasta salads, and rolls. I hadn’t eaten much the night before, and I was starving. I even went back for seconds. Seth and Margaux hit the dessert table, and they brought us each a piece of spice cake and a cupcake.

“Margaux, we’ve gotta take off,” Seth said. “I have to be at work by three.”

Margaux started to get up, but Kylie said her mother was going to pick her up after the luncheon, and she could give her a ride home. Seth left and Margaux forced me to get information on my cousin.

Aunt Caroline brought Austin over to the table, and Margaux moved right in on him. She even ended up getting a ride home with him. Father Jerzy came over to say we were going to the cemetery next, so Kylie gave me a hug and promised to call me later.

“I’m sorry he didn’t show today,” she said. “I’m sure he wanted to be here.”

“Whatever, it’s fine. I’m so grateful you were here, Ky. Thank you.”

I got in my Uncle George’s car to ride over to the cemetery.

“You okay, Em?” Caroline asked.

“Yeah, my boyfriend was supposed to be here, but I guess he couldn’t make it.”

“Well, it was nice of him to come yesterday and for his family to send over dinner.”

“I would have felt out of place coming if I were him,” George said. “He came yesterday, and it was nice your friends came today to support you.”

“Way more than Tara and Rod did,” Caroline said. “I asked their mother where they were today, and she lied straight to my face and said they had school today, when I know full well St. Lucy’s had the day off.”

“You know, Margaux left with Austin,” I said.

“You’re kidding me? Austin’s supposed to be at the cemetery because he’s a pallbearer,” she said.

We arrived at the cemetery, and Mom told me to pick a rose from the flower arrangement next to the door as we walked into the chapel. It didn’t matter that Austin left because the funeral director wheeled the casket in. Father Jerzy said a few words and had my grandma’s sister, Theresa, and Grandpa both sprinkle holy water over the casket. That’s when it hit me—this was final. My grandmother was actually in the box in front of us, and we were going to leave her. I could feel my anxiety rising as I realized this was the last time I’d ever be in the same room with my grandma. Adrenaline pumped through my body as the people started filing out, but I just sat there. Once I left this room, I wouldn’t have a grandma anymore. How could everyone just walk out and go about their lives? Caroline put her hand on my shoulder.

“Honey, it’s time,” she said.

I wanted to be the last one out, so I waited until everyone had passed by, and then put my hand on the casket. I didn’t know what to say, so I said “good-bye” to Grandma in my head and placed the rose on top. I sat in the backseat and cried quietly the whole way home. It started to rain when we got out of the car, and I wanted to go back and tell them they couldn’t leave my grandma out in the rain. I couldn’t stand the thought of her being outside in the rain and getting cold. Crying, I went up to my room and tried to write in my journal, but I had too much going on in my head to put into words. Brendon and Kylie both called, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

I came downstairs at five o’clock, and there were still a few family members at the house. My grandpa was sitting with his cousin, Eddie, who was speaking Polish to him. Grandpa couldn’t remember where he had slept the night before, but he could suddenly speak in Polish without any hesitation. My older cousin Carla came over to sit with us when Eddie left. She had lost her grandmother last summer, and I hadn’t gone to the funeral because I had plans to go to the beach with Kylie the same day. Yet here Carla was, and she had taken off a day of work for my grandmother.

Grandpa started to cry, which made me cry, and Carla didn’t know what to do. She and I were never close, seeing as she graduated from high school when I was in the first grade, but she sat there with us and tried to be supportive. If I had been her, I would have backed away slowly and left the room. I asked her for her e-mail address before she left. She seemed surprised, but wrote it down for me.

After everyone left, I went upstairs and took off my makeup. Putting on my favorite fuzzy pajamas, I got into bed. I put a cartoon on my laptop and just wanted to forget about my life for a little while.