Chapter Thirteen
Lennon
This is better for her.
Then why the fuck does it hurt so much?
I walked into the garage and used my cell as a flashlight to find the breaker box. It only took a few flipped switches to get the lights back on. Cheers erupted from inside the house, but I felt anything but grateful.
I wanted to chase down Jade and tell her that I hadn’t meant what I’d said to Blaise. That I was terrified by what our kiss made me feel; what it meant to me. That I’d snapped because I was mad at myself for wasting the last four years of my life not kissing her, being with her, knowing her. That I was lying to myself when I thought her hating me would be better for both of us.
But I couldn’t.
Because she meant the world to me. And I would not put her in the position to be hurt by me.
I crushed her on purpose. Such a dick.
I knew that, and hated myself for it. But it was better to hurt her now than later. Which I would. Because that’s what I did, right? Why so many girls hated me after dating me…because I couldn’t give them all of me. Because my music would always be dominant in my heart. But for a second, I’d thought Jade’s name would be branded on it for life.
Whoa, life?
It was too soon to even think about a life together, but I couldn’t separate the thoughts. If I let myself love Jade like I wanted to, there would be no going back. No amount of time or distance would pass where I wouldn’t want to be with her. Where I wouldn’t want her to be mine. But she deserved better. Deserved someone who could be with her every day instead of leave her worrying by the phone, agonizing over what parties I was attending, what girls were allowed backstage, and so many other things that seemed to doom relationships on the road.
I’d seen the stories play out a thousand times by following the bands I loved. Hell, I’d seen it firsthand while waiting backstage at local gigs. So many rock stars. So many broken hearts.
I wouldn’t do that to Jade.
She may be hurting now, but I’d rather her heal quickly now, than steal her heart only to break it worse later.
You could be better. You could be different.
“Smooth, little brother,” Liv said, shutting the garage door behind her. She hugged her thin jacket around her, her flip-flops smacking against the concrete as she walked over to where I stood frozen in front of the breaker box. “Did you plan the blackout? Get people all jazzed right before the show?”
I huffed. “No.”
Her eyes widened for a second as she looked me up and down. She took a step closer, concern coloring her features. “What happened to you tonight?”
I rolled my eyes. “Nothing.”
“Lennon,” she chided, eyeing the fists clenched at my sides. “What the hell is going on?”
I arched my head back, closing my eyes as I took a deep breath. “I fucked up, Liv.”
“It’s okay,” she said, reaching for my hand. “We’ll handle it. Whatever it is. We can fix it.”
While I loved her instant show of support without having a clue what I’d done, it wasn’t enough to mend me inside. “Yeah?” I asked, shaking my head as I finally looked down at her. “What about a broken heart? Can we fix that?”
“Shit,” she hissed, her shoulders dropping. “What chick is it?” Her eyes snapped to the property outside. “I’ll cut her for hurting you.”
A dark laugh ripped from my lips. “No. Me. It was all me.”
“Oh,” she said, and smacked my chest so hard it stung. “What did you do?”
“Ouch!” I rubbed at the spot, backing up from her a few steps. What was it about my sister’s hits that hurt ten times worse than roughhousing with the band? “Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters!”
“It really doesn’t, Liv!” I snapped. “I’m going on tour. Whoever I may have hurt is better off.”
She sucked her teeth. “That is such a cop-out.” I glared at her, and her spine straightened. “Whoa,” she said. “You like…really care about this girl.”
I flung my arms out to the sides, totally unable to explain the depths to which my feelings ran for Jade.
“Okay,” she said, her tone softer. “You pushed her away?”
I nodded.
“In a dickish way, I imagine?”
“Why is that what you imagine?” I asked, wishing like hell it wasn’t true.
“Because you’re a guy.”
“Low blow.”
“Hey,” she said, running her fingers through her mess of hair. “You’re the one out here hating yourself.”
“I am not—”
“Lennon,” she cut me off. “I can see it.”
“Fine.”
She nodded like my admission was all she needed to know that she was right. That she’d always been and would always be right when it came to anything we ever argued about. I used to think it was older-sibling-syndrome, but she’d been spot on the mark with me tonight.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I never wanted to hurt her. Didn’t know she was close enough for me to burn. But she was…and I did. And now…” I swallowed hard. “It’s still better that she stay away from me. Before my being on the road ruins her more.”
“Lame.” Liv had the gall to boo me as if I’d sung horribly on stage.
“Forget this,” I said, washing my hands of her as I turned to head back outside.
“Stop.” She grabbed my arm, spinning me to face her. “I’m sorry, but seriously? Using something that hasn’t even happened yet as an excuse to end something before it even starts? That isn’t hardly fair.” She let my arm drop. “And it sounds like you didn’t even give her a choice in the matter.”
“What choice can I give her, Liv?” Sure, we may hit the lottery and be happy, but the odds were against us. “A long-distance relationship? One that may never have an end date?”
There was no telling how many tours I’d go on, or if we’d have to move to be closer to where we recorded the new album if we landed the contract. Being in a successful band meant I had to be flexible to keep climbing the charts, and that was one reason why I’d tried to be so careful all these years.
Nothing to tie me down. Nothing to make me long to come home instead of doing what I loved.
“Look,” she said, shrugging. “I get it. Long-distance is hard enough on its own without adding the whole I’m a-hot-rock-star-with-thousands-of-fans thing to it. That is a massive amount of pressure, especially on a new relationship.”
I nodded, something sick settling in my gut. I had half hoped she’d lay some brilliant solution on me where we could all live happily ever after. But her words illustrated how much she agreed with my first and foremost train of thought—Jade deserved more than what I had to give her.
“But,” she said, eyeing me, “she deserves that choice. To decide if being with you is worth the risk of heartbreak. You forced her hand, and even if it was out of the goodness of your heart—which, little brother, I know is a solidly good heart—it wasn’t your decision to make. Now if you think she’s not a long-timer…someone who could make you happy beyond a summer fling and vice versa, then that’s a different story.” She sucked in a long breath and wrapped her arms around me.
I stood stock-still at first, but then finally relented to hug her back. She let me go and walked back toward the garage door that led into the house.
“Lennon,” she continued, her hand on the knob.
“Yeah?”
“If you think it could be something, though?” She pressed her lips together. “You need to fix it. Or at least try. Because anything that has you in knots like this seems like something. And that could be worth the pain.” She shrugged. “Just saying.” She flashed me a smile before walking inside and shutting the door behind her.
I was split in two. My sister being all the help in the world and no help at all. I wanted to rush to Jade, drop to my knees, and beg her to forgive me. I also wanted to let her go so she wouldn’t have to be subjected to whatever may happen in the future.
Hurt.
Hope.
Both battled for clarity.
After lingering for far longer in the garage than I needed to, I silenced the hopeful voice in my head and stomped back toward the stage to triple check everything.
“Hey, man,” Blaise said after I’d done so many sweeps of the stage I knew the show would go off without a hitch. “I’m sorry.”
I shrugged, unable to respond.
“I didn’t realize she was standing there.”
“Neither did I.”
“What happened between you two?”
I glared at him before shaking my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
He nodded. “All right. I get that.” He sucked his teeth. “Just…the guys and I would understand if you needed to, you know…go get the girl.”
I huffed. The world decided to come together tonight to support me chasing down Jade. You know, after I’d broken her trust. Perfect.
“I know what I said before was a dick move,” he continued. “I was just pissed. Setup has been a bitch without you.”
“I had to leave to get the—”
“Music. I know, man,” he said. “I shouldn’t have gone off like that. Especially since I know she means something more to you than you’ve ever let on.”
“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “It can’t go anywhere. We’re bound for the road, her to college. Wouldn’t be right.” I didn’t want to get into this argument again. Liv had made me conflicted enough without Blaise chiming in, too.
“Stranger things have happened. You could make it work.” He shrugged. “Wouldn’t it be worth trying?”
The fantasy played out in my head—Jade showing up at shows on the tour, waiting for me backstage, helping me feel grounded in a way no one else ever could. She’d draw our album covers and help me study on the road. We’d laugh, and banter, and I’d do my best to rile her up in public whenever I got a chance. We’d be happy.
Another image. One of her livid at me for staying out too late at a party, one I needed to be at to keep up appearances. Or a picture was released of me and a fan, some girl who got a little too close and the context got muddled. The pain in her eyes. The distrust. The regret at ever getting into it with me.
“I’d end up hurting her,” I finally said.
“How do you know that?” Blaise challenged.
“Because,” I said, shoving my hands into my pockets. “When does it ever work out for rock stars? You get a choice—the audience or the girl. You can’t have both.”
“You’re wrong, man.” He shook his head. “You’re scared.”
I scoffed. “Of what?”
“Of not being enough for someone like her.”
I glared at him. “When did this become an episode of The View?”
“Screw you,” he said, chuckling. “I’m trying to help you.”
“Well, don’t.” I’d had enough help for one night—Liv’s bouts of wisdom between smacking me for being an idiot.
And even Jade had helped me. She’d come to my rescue in all the ways I didn’t know I needed to be saved. And it had only landed me with a heavy heart and a craving for her lips.
“See you in a bit,” I said, slowly walking toward the house.
“Find her, man!” Blaise called out, but I ignored him.
He’d always been the most romantic of us all, helping with the love songs in the band, but it wasn’t a quality I valued at the moment. I didn’t want to hope. I didn’t want to think that finding out what we could be to each other would be worth the pain later on.
I wanted Jade to be happy.
And I knew that wouldn’t come from me no matter how badly I wished for it to.
I paused before entering the house, eyeing the car crunched into a tree at the bottom of the hill.
What the hell happened there?
I shook my head, hoping whoever had hit the tree was okay, but assumed they were since there were no ambulances or cops in sight. Pushing through my front door, I entered a house full of chatter and laughter and music, everything the party should be. Nostalgia didn’t hit me, and the need to stop and talk with everyone didn’t, either. Tonight hadn’t gone at all like I’d planned, and it wasn’t even time for the show to start yet.
A horrid scent stopped me short in the main hallway, and I jerked open the bathroom door. It only took a quick sweep to realize someone had pranked me, and I had a good fucking idea who it was. I slammed the bathroom door, the motion feeling good to have a source for my anger other than myself.
Stomping to the kitchen, I hunted for a water. I wanted a good hard drink but knew that wouldn’t help me perform any better than this anger would.
“Braylen!” Fynn shouted as he peeked into the kitchen. “Braylen!”
“Fynn, whoa, man.” I grabbed his shoulder, my own plight forgotten when I noticed the panic in his eyes. “What’s up?”
He fisted a handful of his hair before taking a long breath. “I’m an asshole.”
“No.” I tilted my head, letting go of his shoulder. “You know who is an asshole? The asshole who did an upper decker in my fucking guest bathroom.” I scanned the area for Jarred, knowing he’d just taken our long-standing war one step too far. Tonight was so not the night to fuck with me. “That wasn’t you right?”
“’Course not,” Fynn said.
“Then, what makes you think you’re an asshole?” I motioned toward the drinks and walked with him to snag one.
“I fucked up with Braylen.”
Oh no. Not him, too.
Why are we jerks tonight?
“Ah, damn it, man,” I said, hating that we had both hurt the girls in our lives. Not that he and I were in the same situation, but damn if I didn’t feel his pain. “How’d you blow that one?”
“Blindness.”
“Shit,” I said, raking my fingers through my hair. I had told him on numerous occasions how perfect she was for him. “Been trying to enlighten you for a year now, bro.”
“I know,” he said, snatching the water I offered him. “How’d you know?”
Because I knew love when I saw it. Because I’d been avoiding my own heart for years.
My eyes snapped over his shoulder, and everything inside me froze and set ablaze at the same time when I locked eyes with a pair of green ones that made my world freeze.
Jade was still here.
She hasn’t left.
Did that mean there was still hope? That she wanted to give me a chance to make it all right again?
“I’ve got a sixth sense about relationships,” I finally answered Fynn, unable to stop my racing heart or the flash of a smile that tugged at my lips.
Her cheeks flushed, but now I wasn’t certain if it was because of anger or want. And I hated that a huge part of me needed to find out. Because her sticking around after I’d let her go only made me believe she could see through my bullshit. And if she could, then maybe I was being the asshole my sister said I was by making a choice for her without talking to her about it.
“What was that?” Fynn asked as Jade spun on her heels and disappeared behind the corner.
I wanted to tell him everything that had happened, but from the panic in his eyes I knew he needed me right now. Not the other way around. And I wasn’t about to leave him hanging. “Next time,” I said, waving him off. “Now talk. What’d you do to Braylen?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I may have asked her to help hook me up with Katy…among other things.”
“You are an asshole!” But I was no better.
“I didn’t realize!”
I sucked my teeth. “Having the right girl lay groundwork for the wrong one? You are so fucked.” Just like I was beyond screwed for botching things with Jade.
“Thanks,” he said. “You’re a big help.”
Neither one of us had played this night right. We both ending up setting ourselves back with the girls of our dreams. And while there was a possibility I may be totally out of luck with Jade, maybe I could help him.
I pushed off the counter and rubbed my palms together, a plan hatching that made my heavy heart feel just a tad lighter. “Nah, but I will be.” I glanced upward, hashing out the details in my head before it all came together. “Oh, hell yeah. I will be. And you’ll owe me.” He’d owe me so much maybe he’d be able to help me figure out what to do about Jade, if anything.
“What do you have in mind?”
“Depends,” I said, needing to test how deep his feelings ran for Bray. I crossed my arms over my chest. “How far are you willing to go to fix this?”
“To get Braylen back?” he asked. “I’ll do anything.”
“Good man!” I clapped my hands together. “Recovering from something so major requires a huge sacrifice on your part,” I explained. “And what better way to prove she’s the one than getting up on stage and laying your soul bare?”
Fynn’s eyes bulged out of his head, and I swear the dude turned four shades whiter. He’d always been afraid of getting in front of people to talk in any kind of capacity—damn near passed out when we’d taken public speaking Junior year.
“It has to be about her,” I continued. “She has to know that nothing else matters.” The wheels in my head kept on turning the more I spoke. “She has to know that you didn’t mean to be an asshole. That you only wanted what was best for her.” An idea formed in my mind, the clarity of the entire night making me feel like the biggest idiot in the world. “But sometimes we think we know what is best for someone when in reality we haven’t got a clue. We’re just…stupid.” I shook my head.
I was an absolute idiot. I let the notion that I’d eventually break Jade’s heart get in the way of actually giving her a choice in the matter. She deserved to know the truth about how I felt for her, and then she could decide if the risk was worth it or not. Making the decision for her was such a punk way to go, and I hated myself even more for it.
Liv had been right—not that I would tell my sister she was right. Ever.
“Um,” Fynn said, tilting his head. “Are we still talking about Braylen?”
I blinked out of my revelation and cleared my throat. “Of course we are.”
“Okay.” Fynn eyed me like he knew better but thankfully didn’t push me on the subject. “What’s the plan?”
For him? It was risking his sanity to get on stage and tell the girl of his dreams he loved her and that he was an idiot. I’d just pray the exec would be late and miss this improv, or if she did see it…then enjoy the spirit of it all.
For me?
Well, it’d take a hell of a lot more than singing on stage to earn Jade’s heart back.